Tag Archives: Anxiety

A Creative Type of Day Due to Mindfulness

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! Well, it must be one of those days where I am able to be creative and I am enjoying this immensely. I am extremely grateful that I have been able to be creative today.

One of the ways I have been creative today is by painting. I, finished two painting that I am really proud of. In fact of the paintings my cat accidentally helped me with. She stepped in some paint and then walked on the canvas which I think is very cool and unique. Sadly, I had to give her a quick bath in the sink before paint fully dried on her paws and fur. She is not a big fan of taking a bath but at least she “helped” me create an awesome painting even though that was not her intention. Maybe, one day I will share this painting with you someday.

Another way I have been creative today is that I have written several poems. Something I love to do yet struggle to do because I never feel like they are good enough. Sadly, I tend to throw away a good portion of my poetry due to the fact that I don’t think they are worthy of being read. I have been having others such as a good friend of mine hold on to my poetry as I hope that someday I can create a book full of my poetry.

Another way I have been creative today is play my flute. I love playing my flute and just like coloring, it is form of mindfulness for me. Playing the flute has been a life saver for me since I started playing at age twelve. It has helped and still helps me with my mental health challenges. It also helped me make friends in school as I was in the junior high and high school bands. And being in band is what helped me graduate high school. So you can say that playing the flute helped me graduate high school even though I am really not that good at playing it.

I think the reason why I have been so creative today is because I have done several mindfulness exercises today. I have done some much mindfulness today because of my anxiety and am learning that mindfulness not only helps with my anxiety but helps me be creative. I am grateful that I am slowly getting back into mindfulness on the daily basis.

I do not have much else to say. I hope to blog again this evening and if not then tomorrow. Have a great rest of you day. Peace Out, World!!!

The Struggle Is Real

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I think my funk is now becoming a struggle. The struggle is becoming real. Real as the words you are reading on this post. I am not wanting to be in another struggle with intense mental health symptoms as I don’t know how much I will be able to handle. No I am NOT suicidal nor am I at risk of harming myself. I just fear that I could become suicidal which is something I will have to notify my therapist about.

Speaking of emailing my therapist, I think it is something I will need to do after I am done writing this post. The reason why I am thinking I am in need of emailing my therapist is because this is the third night in a row where I have not been able to sleep. Sadly, my sleep medicine wasn’t helpful tonight. Another thing I think my therapist is needing to know is that I haven’t showered since Wednesday (March 20th) which is not a good thing. I also think it would be a wise idea to inform him that my psychosis is starting to act up again. For me my psychosis includes hearing voices and when I am in an extreme depression I start seeing things. Thankfully, I am not seeing things and only hearing voices. Thankfully the voices are only at a whisper at the moment. I am nervous that if I inform my therapist of this that I could be put into the hospital but overall I am pretty in control of things at the moment with the exception of the dissociation. I really think emailing my therapist about everything I have mentioned will be a good thing as it is something he will need to know so he would know how to help me during our session. My therapist is pretty cool. I trust him. I really think he does understand most of what I experience with my mental health challenges.

Something I am doing in regards hearing whispering voices nobody else can hear is listening to music. Music helps drown out the voices and that is extremely helpful for me to deal with the voices. It is amazing how helpful and soothing music is for people who have mental health conditions. Hell, music even helps “normal” people. I love the fact music is quite helpful. If it wasn’t for music I wouldn’t have graduated high school and I really think it has been quite helpful in helping me not die by suicide. Just a reminder I am not a risk of attempting suicide or self harming. Music is one of things I think that speaks to everyone.

I do not have much more to say as I don’t want to end up repeating myself. Plus I am needing to email my therapist about the increase of my mental health symptoms. I hope everyone has a good Monday. I also hope that everyone has a good work week if you work a typical Monday thru Friday week. Peace Out, World!!!

Sunday Night Struggles

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It is eleven o’clock at night on a Sunday and I am struggling. Struggling with the symptoms of the mental health challenges I am diagnosed with. Symptoms that I wish that were not acting up at the moment especially since I thought I was making some progress. The PTSD symptoms I am having are quite severe. Severe enough that it has been cause several hours of dissociation. The depression is causing me to want to isolate. Isolation is not a good thing especially since my psychosis is starting to flare up again. I am starting to hear voices again and that is not a good sign. At least the voices are at a whisper. All of the above mentioned symptoms is causing me some high anxiety.

At this moment in time I am starting to watch the eleven o’clock news. I am pretty sure that is going to to be the same shit that was on the evening news. I just wish the news shared feel good stories as they wouldn’t make watching other parts of the news so depressing.

Since my last post I have been reading Yesternight by Cat Winters with my cat, Lil Gertie, on my lap. The book is very interesting so far. It is one of those books that is difficult to put down especially since it is a page turner. It was hard to put down to watch the eleven o’clock news. So far I am only a quarter of the way thru it and hope it continues to be a page turner.

As I mentioned, Lil Gertie, my cat has been sitting in my lap as I have read. Having her on my lap at helped a great deal with the symptom’s of my mental health diagnosis especially the PTSD symptoms. She has been quite helpful with the dissociation as it is difficult to dissociate when you have a cat seeking your attention most of the day. I think she was doing this so I would not dissociate. I love my cat, Lil Gertie so much. Adopting my cat, Lil Gertie, has been one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I do not regret getting her whatsoever. She is my little furbaby.

I do not have much else to say in the post. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a great nights sleep. Peace Out, World!!!

Mental Health Challenges Suck Sh*t

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I just finished watching the evening news. There was really nothing good on the evening news but when does the news have good news. It seems like the news is nothing but Politics and depressing news. But then again politics can be depressing. Or at least the last two and half years, politics has been nothing but negative and depressing. More so than ever. I wish the news could share a minimum of two feel good stories each half an hour they are on. But that is just my own personal opinion.

On the plus side, the weather in Seattle hasn’t been as “bad” as the weather people said it would be. It was sunny with some clouds which is good thing because there was suppose to be a “storm” according to the weather people on the news. The weather people really don’t seem to know what they are talking about.

My Anxiety, Depression and PTSD are not relenting and wish the hell I could get a break. My mental health challenges appear to have increased symptoms which suck shit. I haven’t taken a show since Wednesday and that is never a good sign. I just wish I could take a bath because that would be a wee bit easier for me but unfortunately my apartment doesn’t have a bathtub in it. It does have a shower but a nice hot bath would be nice on occasion. I know I need to take a shower but I don’t feel like taking one. I know ultimately I will feel a ton better but I am just too depression to do so.

I think I am going to start reading my book Yesternight by Cat Winters. I think reading it will be quite helpful for me to get out of my own head. I really hope it is a good book like people having been telling me it is. It seems like an interesting book by what I read on the back cover.

I do not have much more to say. I want to thank you all for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Have a great rest of your Sunday evening. Peace Out, World!!!

In a Bit of a Lil Funk

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! As of lately I have been in a little bit of a funk. A funk that appears to be sticking around long than desired and expected. The bump in the road I thought I was experiencing has now turned into a funk and it is not very fun. I was making some progress and now I am in a funk.

Dealing with the symptoms of Anxiety, Depression and PTSD is not the easiest of things to do. To add to the difficulties is that I am dealing with some dissociation and that sucks shit. I know what I need to do to combat the symptoms and I will let you know what I plan on doing to combat those symptoms. Most of what will help combat my symptoms is doing something creative which I mentioned in a previous post that I posted yesterday. I am also including a couple of other things as I know they will be helpful as well.

I, of course will be listening to music as I do the activities I plan on doing to help reduce my symptoms. Music always appears to be quite helpful for me especially when I am combining listening to it while doing something else. Oh how music soothes my soul.

One of the things I plan on continuing from yesterday is writing. Specifically writing poetry. I am wanting to create some poems about what is going on with me emotionally at the moment. Not sure how many I can write today but it is my hope that I can create about ten poems this next week. I am not holding my breath about writing that many but it is my goal that I will be able to do so.

I will also continue to work on the paintings I started yesterday. In fact I think I may be almost done with one. I hope to share it with you at some point during this week. Painting is a great hobby despite it being expensive. That is why I tend buy a lot of canvas at the same time as it cheaper to buy in bulk. I usually buy the bottles of paint as I need them as I don’t want the paint to dry up if it is not used right away. I don’t know what I will do with all my paintings as I have no where to put them and they are not ones I exactly want to sell plus I don’t think anyone would want to buy them. I love painting whether or not they are worth any money or not.

Another thing I am planning on doing is reading. I am going to start reading one of the novels I got at Emerald City Comic-Con. The book I think I am going to read is Yesternight by Cat Winters. It was a book that was suggested to me to read. The best part of buy this book is that I was able to meet the author and have her sign it. I am excited about reading this book.

I don’t have much more to say. I just want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great and relaxing Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

 

An Eventful Outing

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I went to the pharmacy to pick up my medicine that I pick up once a week. I have been going to the same pharmacy in my neighborhood for nearly nineteen years and have seen my fair share of characters in the store. Anyway, I was chatting with the pharmacist and pharmacy tech when we all noticed a customer get shoved to the floor by the Loss Prevention (LP) dude for “shoplifting.” When the store manager came over to see what was going on he ended up needing to look at video photo-age to make sure the person who was tackled actually took something. While doing this the LP (or security officer) sat on the person and called 911. Seattle Police showed up and by this time the store manager informs the LP dude that the person he just tackled did not take anything and now the person has a broken arm due to being tackled and trying to break their fall. Needless to say the person who got tackled was taken to the hospital and Seattle Police talked with witness’s and looked at the video. So, after I talked with the police I finally got my meds and the LP dude was getting handcuffed. I am assuming for excessive force  or something along those lines. I am not against Loss Prevention as I use to work at a grocery store for ten years but I am against LP’s putting their hands on people when it is not necessary. Same goes with the police but in this case the police actually did something right and arrested the LP dude.

After seeing all this, I realized I needed to take the long way home. By the long way home I mean taking the scenic route home for a longer walk. Walking helps me with my anxiety. After picking up my meds and an extra long walk, I decided to make me lunch. As I was eating my lunch the building fire alarm decided to malfunction once again. So, I put Lil Gertie into her carrier and we went downstairs to the lobby. As the fire department was doing what they needed to do to turn off the alarm and make sure there was no fire a couple of my neighbors decided to get into a fist fight. So, one of the firefighters got in between the two that were fighting while another called dispatch to get the police to the building. Thankfully, nobody got hurt and the police arrived quickly. Neither one of the people fighting were arrested and neither one of them wanted to press charges which I personally think both parties should have been arrested.

Now that, Lil Gertie and I are back in my apartment, Lil Gertie is curled up in her hiding place as I blog and finish eating my lunch. I should really get going and finish my lunch. I didn’t sleep well last night and need to take a nap. So, after eating, I will take a nap and try to post later on today. I hope everyone has a better day than I have had so far. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. Peace Out, World!!!

The Day After Oral Surgery

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! Right now, I am at my grandpa’s spending time with him. I am mainly here because I had some major dental work done yesterday (Wednesday). I got all my teeth pulled and had dentures placed in my mouth right after the oral surgery. Today, I saw the dude who made my dentures. He adjusted my dentures and they are feeling slightly better than they did. I am still in pain which is why my dentures are still uncomfortable as I am not all the way healed up due to having the surgery just yesterday.

I am really hungry at the moment. I am on a primarily liquid diet with some soft foods. It sucks shit but at least I am sorta able to eat soft foods today. Better than I thought I would. Anyway, my grandpa said he would but me a milk shake later on which will make my day. A milk shake really sounds good right now but I am drinking a smoothie I made.

I don’t have much to say except that the pain sucks and the anxiety I had in regards to the oral surgery is gone now but they quickly subsided when the dentist explained things to me. I am not sure what else to say in regards to this particular post. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope to post more later on today or some time tomorrow. Than you, again for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

A Typical Tuesday Full Of Anxiety

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It started out like any normal Tuesday but due to high anxiety, I ended having an emotional outburst of anger. Long story short I went to the day treatment program I attend at the mental health agency I am a client of. I went because I had an appointment with my therapist today. Anyway, I asked them to save a lunch for me due to the fact that when they were serving lunch, I was in my appointment with my therapist. Unfortunately, they did not save me a lunch. A couple of people made some snide comments and one person in particular wouldn’t let up so, I had an emotional outburst of anger. Part of it was due to being hungry while dealing with snide remarks while dealing with extreme anxiety dealing with extreme fear and anxiety dealing with getting all my teeth pulled tomorrow (Wednesday).

After leaving the mental health agency I am a client of, I went home and ate. I, then packed for few days to stay at my grandpa’s. I am staying at my grandpa’s for a few days due to getting my teeth being pulled. Yes, I brought my cat, Lil Gertie, with me. She most likely will be sleeping with my grandpa since I will be staying on the couch and he has a queen sized bed but that is okay as I most likely won’t be in much of a cuddling mood once my teeth are pulled. I am glad that my grandpa is letting me stay at his place for a few days as I heal from a mouth full of teeth being pulled.

I don’t have much more to say for the moment. I hope to blog tomorrow after I get my teeth pulled but I don’t think I will be up to blogging tomorrow but I will try to do so. I hope everyone has great rest of your Tuesday. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. Peace Out, World!!!

Boredom Sets In As I Wait For….

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! At this very moment I am sitting in the waiting room of my doctor’s office to see her for our ever two week check up even though I have not seen her since November. Long story short, our schedules didn’t mesh well and the holidays didn’t help with the scheduling. Any way I am sure we will be discussing how things have been going with me both physical health and mental health wise. I am sure we will also be discussing how I have not been using the emergency room on the regular basis and only going to urgent care once as seeing her every two weeks is to help cut down on the amount of times I go to the emergency room. Anyway, one of the things I plan on doing is asking my doctor if she can prescribe me some Ativan for my upcoming dental appointment. Actually, it will be for my oral surgery of taking out all of my teeth. I have anxiety over going to the dentist. I know it sounds a wee bit silly but I do. I know most likely my doctor will not prescribe me the Ativan but at least I will have an answer as if I don’t ask the answer will be an automatic no.

As I wait for my doctor, not only have I been writing this post I have been reading the book Lost Boys by Orson Scott Card. It has been quite helpful to me as I wait to see my doctor. Hell, it was quite helpful to me last night when I was unable to sleep due to sleeping too much for about three days due to depression. I love to read. It helps me get out of my own head space and think about something else for once. It is quite helpful for me and my recovery journey.

I best be ending this particular post as it is getting closer to my appointment time with my doctor. I hope to post more later on today. I hope everyone has a good Monday. Peace Out, World!!!

Lil Gertie’s Health Scare & Other Randomness

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I realize that I have not blogged since New Years Day. I don’t really have any excuses as I know I could have found time to blog. I do have some excuses for the evening of Friday the fourth till yesterday. I mention this as my cat, Lil Gertie, had two minute period to where she was struggling to breathe. I immediately took her to my vet who was out sick however the vet techs looked at her and said it would be a good idea to take her in to another walk in vet clinic which they referred me to. The vet techs sent over Lil Gertie’s records and I went to the referred vet clinic. There, Lil Gertie was checked and she has asthma. The vet put Lil Gertie on steroids, antibiotics and just in case a de-worming med. The vet put her on a de-worming med just in case she has parasites which she says it is extremely unlikely but precautionary especially since I would have seen worms in her stools. The vet said parasites could be the reason for Lil Gertie’s asthma but she highly things it is asthma that was aggravated by a respiratory illness is why she is on an antibiotic. Lil Gertie, is also on steroids to help with the inflammation due to asthma.  Taking Lil Gertie to the vet caused me a great deal of anxiety especially since she had another asthma attack right in front of the vet. Thankfully, I didn’t need to get x-rays done on Lil Gertie since she ended up having another episode of struggling to breathe. The vet said if she has another episode, that I might have to get her an inhaler for the asthma. Seeing Lil Gertie struggling to breathe is anxiety provoking. She does appear to be feeling better. She is upset with me because two of her meds are in liquid form and she doesn’t like to be held still to have some nasty tasting stuff being forced in her mouth. I know I wouldn’t like it.

Now on to my own health issues. First and fore most I made an appointment with an oral surgeon to get my teeth taken out. I will be getting dentures which is something I am not looking forward to but it is something that needs to be done desperately. I have high anxiety regarding dentist. Mainly because I am unable to see what the hell they are doing. But in reality I will feel better about myself once I get a new set of teeth which would be dentures.

Besides my dental issue, I too have been having some asthma attacks which highly sucks. It sucks even more that I think I am coming down with a cold or something like a could. I think I am just worn out and need some rest but I do have sore throat which is not a good thing. I have been drinking plenty of water and orange juice. I am trying to stay healthy especially since I have to make sure Lil Gertie gets healthy. I really do love my cat, Lil Gertie, cause I don’t know what I would do if she were not around.

Anyway, I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I am grateful that you read my blog. I don’t have much more to say. Again, thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!