Weekly Check-In

It is Saturday morning and that means its time for my weekly check-in. I enjoyed my three day weekend last week.

I unfortunately called in sick most of last week because I wasn’t feeling well. I was dealing with a migraine that just wouldn’t go a way. Missing work is not my favorite thing especially since I love my job. I did end up going to see my doctor yesterday. She agrees that it was a migraine. She suspects that my migraine was caused by a combination of weather change, allergies, the fluorescent lights in my work environment and my depression symptoms increasing.

My doctor prescribed  me some allergy and migraine meds as well as suggested ways to decrease my exposure florescent lights. For example go for two, ten minute walks to get some natural light which will also help with my depression symptoms. My doctor also informed me that she would be in communication with my therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner.

Long story short, my doctor did get a hold of my therapist who in return called me. Diana and I discussed on ways I can decrease my depression symptoms. We of course discussed the skills that help the most. The plan we came up with was to hang out with people from my natural support systems or at least call and talk to some of them on the phone. Other things on the list are, to blog, go on a walk, color, journal, read, and of course lots of chocolate.

Its amazing that I have health care professionals that are willing to communicate with each other. You don’t find that much now a days or at least here in the United States. I am grateful that I have people who look out for me. My therapist emailed Junior and Mama Bear to let them know what was going on even though they both already knew. Junior is working an overtime shift so he’s been checking up on me via text. Mama Bear took me out to breakfast and did some walking.

Yes, I still have my migraine but at least the pain is subsiding with meds and skills. I am grateful that I have health care professionals in my life that care. I am just as grateful that I have natural support system the love and care about me. Have a wonderful weekend everyone and peace out all.

Advertisements

It’s Been A Long Week

     Well, it’s a rainy Tuesday evening and the rain seems to fit how I am feeling at the moment. I haven’t blogged in a while because my dad is on the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) on life support. My family and I have been informed that we might have to stop life support or put him on a tracheostomy which is another form of life support. Unfortunately, my dad does not have a power of attorney nor is he married. That means by proxy I am the legal next of kin. It’s been quite difficult on me but more difficult on my grandparents. I just don’t want my dad to be suffering. I really want a miracle so my family and I don’t have to make such a difficult decision. The doctors say we have about a week to make the decision.

     I know my dad would want me to go about my normal day tomorrow. I see my therapist then I go to my last shift at the homeless shelter. After my last shift at the homeless shelter I go to my first shift at the warm line. I know without a doubt that my dad would be approving of my decision of going about my day. I also know that my grandparents are in town and if any turns for the worst they will notify me. My grandparents are supportive in my decision. I just wish it wasn’t such a difficult one considering the condition my father.

     I love my daddy so much. I just wish a miracle would happen. I would like you my readers and followers to pray for him or send out positive energies or vibes. I am not sure when I will be able to blog next considering my dad’s heath condition. Peace out and have a good evening.

Struggling A Little Bit

     It’s another Thursday and I have been struggling a bit for about a week or two now. I didn’t realize how badly I was struggling till this past Monday (8/11/2014) when I dissociated. The unfortunate part of the dissociated state it that I ended up cutting. I am so disappointed that I cut. I hadn’t cut in three years. When I started coming out of the dissociated state and realized what I had done, I freaked out and called 911. Of course the fire department came and checked me out and then I was taken to the emergency room.

      My experience in the emergency room wasn’t the best I have had in the 14 years I have been going to this particular ER for both psych and medical reasons. On the positive side both of the physicians were caring and sincere in wanting to help me. It was both the nurse and the social worker that didn’t make my experience all that great. The nurse was just negative with me the entire night. She told me that I needed to get my act together and that if it wasn’t for the HIPPA law that she would tell my boss’s about what happened. (Side note: The nurse shops at the grocery store I work at on the regular basis). When the social worker finally talked to me her demeanor was as if she didn’t want to be at work or got the short straw to talk to me. I told the social worker what the nurse said and the social worker told me that the nurse would never say that and I that I was being “hostile.” The question I have is how can I be hostile if I am sitting on the floor in a corner of the room with a blanket around me and sucking my thumb holding a stuffed animal. If that’s “hostile” then I would hate to think what her (the social workers) point of view is on violent behavior. The social worker then had the guts to tell me that she didn’t believe me that I dissociated. As she told me this one of the doctors came in to check on me and well he didn’t seem too happy with the social worker at the moment. The doctor asked how I was doing and I said I was doing better (which I was) and then said that he believed me. This doctor has treated me before and knows that I dissociate. Well, to make a long story short the doctor talked to the social work who in return said, I’m only apologizing because I was asked to. I really don’t like it when people are forced to apologize to me or others when they don’t mean it but am grateful that doctor cared enough to talk to her. His heart was in the right place. Thankfully, I wasn’t hospitalized. I was sent home.

    For me being sent home was a good thing. It means that I am far enough in my recovery process that I can continue to do what I need to do in my everyday life. For me going on with my life is what I need to do. That means continue going to my volunteer training at the Warm Line as well as going  to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. That also mean I will go to work tomorrow as well as on Saturday and any shifts I have next week. For me if I wasn’t in recovery I wouldn’t have bothered going to the Warm Line training this past Tuesday as well as my listening shift last night nor would have I gone to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. I consider this episode as a relapse. I am picking up where I left off before I dissociated and harmed myself. Another thing I am waiting on is my therapist to call me back. She was sick on Tuesday and doesn’t work on Wednesdays and hoping she is back in the office today. If she is still out today I will just see her at my regularly scheduled appointment. As much as I am beating myself up over what happened I have to get up and dust myself up and make the choice to continue my recovery process.

     I debated whether or not to share this with you because I didn’t want to trigger anyone nor did I want to worry anyone. I decided to blog about after I discussed it with my natural support system and they said it would be a good idea because it will show that I am human (which I am) and that I can pick up with my life even though its a little difficult at the moment. Yes, I know I blogged on Tuesday but I didn’t have my mind wrapped around what happen the night before and needed some space before I blogged about it. Now there is enough space and decided blog about what happened with the encouragement from the people who care about me. I am hoping that me blogging about this shows that people with mental illness can work through there issues as they continue with their everyday life. For me to continue with my everyday life is key to my recovery. It is my hope that this blog entry can show others struggling with mental illness that recovery is possible even if you relapse and that hope is out even if you relapse. I am worried about what my therapist is going to say on Monday but I will deal with that when it comes. As much as I don’t like my job I am looking forward to work tomorrow. I am grateful that I am able to work. Continuing to go on with my everyday life is something I’ve learned to do to not go farther backwards.

     Speaking of continuing with everyday life I need to get going. I need to eat and get my work clothes ready for tomorrow before I go to my volunteer training at the Warm Line. Have a good rest of your Thursday. I hope I didn’t trigger or worry anyone. Peace out!!

It’s A Beautiful Sunny Wednesday!!!

     It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. So beautiful that my boyfriend and I went rollerblading around a lake. In fact the lake is a local park. We went around the lake twice and each time is 3.3 miles so that equals 6.6 miles. All I can say is that I got my exercise in today. We also had a picnic at this park. We had fried chicken, macaroni salad and lemonade. It was all very tasty. All I know is I am tired now. I’ve had a busy day.

     I started out the day by going to see my shrink. My shrink in not a psychiatrist, he is a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner. I discussed with him about the increased PTSD symptoms due to the 5 year anniversary of a trauma and how it triggered eating disorder urges and self harm urges. He of coursed asked if I acted on any of those urges and I said no because I didn’t act on those urges. He has a good since of humor and I like that. I’ve only been working with him for a little of a year when my last psychiatric nurse practitioner retired. I had worked with her for 7 years and grew to trust her. I specifically asked my therapist for a male prescriber because I usually only work with women when it comes to doctors and mental health stuff due to my trauma history. Diana my therapist was happy to oblige to my request and new who to suggest and thankfully he had room for another client. Anyway my shrink and I discussed if we needed to change meds or if a med increase needed to happen and thankfully he agreed with me that neither needed to happen. Like I said my shrink has a great sense of humor and it turns out that we have a similar sense of humor.

    After I saw my shrink I went to my volunteer job. I love my volunteer job. Like I’ve said in previous blog post, I volunteer at local homeless shelter that specializes in Mental Illness and Co-Occurring Disorders. The clients there are always so appreciative of everything they get. Well most of the clients are. I enjoy my volunteer job.

   When I get back from my volunteer job that’s when my boyfriend and I went and had our picnic in the park and rollerbladed around the lake in the park twice. We got back to his place in time to watch the news. The big topic is still the legalization of being able to sell pot in my state. It became legal yesterday. In fact it even made NBC’s Nightly news  again tonight. That makes two nights in a row. I just want them to not make a big deal about it. I just don’t care. I don’t smoke the crap but that’s me.

    Anyway my boyfriend is finding it difficult to pick out a movie to watch. I’m thinking I might just pick one out before his head explodes. I’m thinking a comedy is in order. I love comedies.

    I should get going because my boyfriend and I want to watch a movie. I hope you all enjoy the rest of your Wednesday. Enjoy the nice warm weather everyone. Peace out and don’t get sun burned.

A Blog Before Bed

     Well, I’m going to try to make this blog a short one since it’s 11:39pm (pacific time) on a Tuesday night. My dad was able to go home from the Emergency Room after having a seizure. I am so glad he was able to go home. He doesn’t do well in hospital. His doctors at the hospital were great as well as the nurses. My dad of course flirted with the nurses and it embarrassed the hell out of me.

     I of course updated my blog a few hours ago to let you all know about my dad while waiting in the E.R. with him. I also did a lot of reading. I read The Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens as well as some Wonder Woman comics. Reading helps a great deal. I also listened to music. I listened to some Tori Amos, Nirvana and Jimi Hendrix . I even listened to a little Country Music. Music has helped me a great deal with my recovery process.

    Speaking of my recovery process, I ended up sitting behind an old clinician on the bus home from the E.R. Due to laws she was unable to say hello to me tell I said hi. It took me some time to work up the nerve to say hello. In fact this particular person was one of the first clinician I had as an adult. She was shocked as hell that I’ve been working for 9 years with the same company. Hell, if I was her I would be shock as well. She asked how long it had been since I was last in the hospital for psych reasons as well as the last time I cut. I told her 2 1/2 years was the answer to both of those questions. She also commented on my weight and how healthy I looked. When she worked with me I was still struggling with Anorexia and Bulimia. I told her I haven’t done the eating disorder stuff in 15 years. She said she was proud of me. That’s the only two things we talked about regarding my mental health. The cool thing was that we talked about work. Not just about my job and my job seeking to become a peer counselor but her work as well. She is now the lead social worker on a one of the psych wards of the only Level 1 Trauma Center in my state. It was nice to see someone who once worked with me when I was at my worst and can now see how far I have come in my recovery. Recovery is not an easy process. In fact I think is will be life long process and I am fine with that.

     Well, it’s now 11:51pm(pacific time) on Tuesday night and I need to get to bed. I am a little tired. I have to get up early in the morning to have breakfast with a friend of mine. I am sure most of you are already in bed at the moment. Let me rephrase that, if you live in North America I am sure that most of you are asleep. If you are still up this time of night please enjoy the last 9 minutes of Tuesday. I hope to blog sometime tomorrow. Peace out and have a good nights sleep (and don’t let the bed bugs bite).

Just A Brief Blog For Now

     As I am blogging this Tuesday evening I am sitting in the Emergency Room waiting room because my dad had a seizure. Right now he is getting a MRI. I have had many MRI’s and they are not fun. I’m in the waiting room of the E.R because it’s the only place I can get Wi-Fi. I told my dad that when he gets back to the room to let his nurse know so she can come get me. In fact his nurse if friend of mine from the high school I graduated from. She was one of the few people who stuck up for me in high school when I got bullied. She also helped me with my homework. More or less she tutored me. Now back to my dad. I think he will be okay. Their is the possibility that he might have to stay overnight for observation. He usually does stay over for observation when he has a seizure. My dad has had a multitude of test so far this evening due to his seizure. I hope they just make up their minds if they are going to keep or let him go.

     In fact I was suppose to go to a baseball game this even with a friend but my dad ended up in the E.R and well he is more important than a baseball game. My friend understands and was able to find someone else go with her on such short notice. I am grateful that she was able to find someone on such notice because then her money isn’t wasted.

     Well I best be going. I hope to blog later on when I am home. I hope to let you know how my dad is doing. I love my dad so much. He raised me with the help of my grandparents. I will blog again later. Peace out and enjoy the summer.

Nightmares Suck!!!

     Good morning Thursday! It is 1:46 in the morning pacific time and I am awake from a screaming nightmare. Waking up from a nightmare is not very fun. I am tired as hell. Waking up my boyfriend from my nightmares is not my idea of fun. He is helping me through this difficult moment of waking up from a horrific nightmare. PTSD is a daily struggle. In fact it is a nightly struggle as well. If it wasn’t for his support or the support of my friends when my nightmares act up I would have some pretty lonesome nights. I choose to depend on my support system to help me through difficult moments like my nightmares.

     Another way to help myself through rough times like these is read books such as A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles  Dickens. Most of the time I end up reading a comic book. Mainly I read Wonder Woman comic books to get my mind back on track so I can get back to bed. Sometimes watching comedies like The Cosby Show helps me relax enough to get back to sleep. Sometimes I watch comedy movies to help make me laugh. Laughter make me relax to where I can calm myself down enough so I can eventually get some sleep.

    If it wasn’t for the love and support of my boyfriend supporting me right now I would be dealing with it by myself. I also get support from friends when I ask for it. The hard thing for me is asking for the help. So accepting help from my boyfriend is a major accomplishment for me. Depending on your natural support system is a major sign of the recovery process.

    I think it’s time for me to try to go back to bed and get some sleep. I do have a doctors appointment in the morning regarding my burned fingers. They still hurt like hell. Have a good night sleep all. I will let you all know what my doctor says about my burned fingers after my appointment. Peace out and have a goodnight sleep.