Tag Archives: Depression

In a Bit of a Lil Funk

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! As of lately I have been in a little bit of a funk. A funk that appears to be sticking around long than desired and expected. The bump in the road I thought I was experiencing has now turned into a funk and it is not very fun. I was making some progress and now I am in a funk.

Dealing with the symptoms of Anxiety, Depression and PTSD is not the easiest of things to do. To add to the difficulties is that I am dealing with some dissociation and that sucks shit. I know what I need to do to combat the symptoms and I will let you know what I plan on doing to combat those symptoms. Most of what will help combat my symptoms is doing something creative which I mentioned in a previous post that I posted yesterday. I am also including a couple of other things as I know they will be helpful as well.

I, of course will be listening to music as I do the activities I plan on doing to help reduce my symptoms. Music always appears to be quite helpful for me especially when I am combining listening to it while doing something else. Oh how music soothes my soul.

One of the things I plan on continuing from yesterday is writing. Specifically writing poetry. I am wanting to create some poems about what is going on with me emotionally at the moment. Not sure how many I can write today but it is my hope that I can create about ten poems this next week. I am not holding my breath about writing that many but it is my goal that I will be able to do so.

I will also continue to work on the paintings I started yesterday. In fact I think I may be almost done with one. I hope to share it with you at some point during this week. Painting is a great hobby despite it being expensive. That is why I tend buy a lot of canvas at the same time as it cheaper to buy in bulk. I usually buy the bottles of paint as I need them as I don’t want the paint to dry up if it is not used right away. I don’t know what I will do with all my paintings as I have no where to put them and they are not ones I exactly want to sell plus I don’t think anyone would want to buy them. I love painting whether or not they are worth any money or not.

Another thing I am planning on doing is reading. I am going to start reading one of the novels I got at Emerald City Comic-Con. The book I think I am going to read is Yesternight by Cat Winters. It was a book that was suggested to me to read. The best part of buy this book is that I was able to meet the author and have her sign it. I am excited about reading this book.

I don’t have much more to say. I just want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great and relaxing Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

 

Still Working on My Creative DBT Skills

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I am needing to take a break from both writing poetry and painting. Mainly, I am needing to take a break from the painting as I am waiting for the paint to dry so I can continue working on the painting once it dries. I am still not sure where the painting to going to be but so far it appears to be quite interesting.

Writing my poetry is coming as easy as I thought it would be. I thought I would have a written at least two poems by now but I only have one written. I am however going to be looking at some photos to help me get some inspiration to continue to write some poems.

Writing and painting appear to be helping with my PTSD and Depression symptoms which is a great thing. I am glad I went with my creative DBT skills as I knew they would be the most helpful today. I hope that maybe in a later post that I can share my painting and/or poem(s).

I just want to remind everybody who reads my blog that I have advertisements on my blog. I have advertisements on my blog to help me earn some extra money. The only way I can earn money from the advertisements is if people click on them. I only earn a cent or two per advertisement that is clicked. I, unfortunately don’t get paid till all the combined clicks adds up to one hundred dollars. Sadly, I am only at ninety dollars and am only ten dollars away from receiving the money. I am hoping that you can click on the advertisements so I can get to the one hundred dollars. I wish each click wasn’t only a cent or two but each click is helpful. I would be greatly appreciative if you could click on an ad or two every time you read my blog. .

I don’t have much more to say. I want to thank you for reading my blog as I greatly appreciated it. I hope everyone has a great Saturday. Enjoy your weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Looks Like a DBT Skills Type of Day

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! It is early afternoon in my corner of the world. I have been dealing with a bump in the road for about three to four weeks now. It appears to be turning into a funk but if I have anything to do with it, it won’t get into a funk. But for those of us who deal with mental health challenges sometimes the funk is beyond our control which sucks shit.

As the symptoms of my mental health challenges appear to be increasing I realize it needs to be a DBT skills type of day. I say this because I have been fighting of dissociation due to the PTSD I struggle with. I am also struggling with Depression symptoms. Specifically, isolation. I am also struggling with self harm urges and want to reassure you that I AM CURRENTLY NOT AT RISK of harming myself.

Considering the type of symptoms, I am currently struggling with I realize that using my DBT skills today is key to my recovery and long term goals. Specifically, the DBT skills I will be using all have to do with creativity. For me being creative is what helps me with the dissociation. In fact music will be a major part of my day. I say this as if I am not playing my flute or harmonica, I will be listening to music as I am creative in other ways. I plan on doing some art. I am actually going to be painting. I have an idea or two for what I want to paint. I love painting as it helps me expression my emotions when I am having difficulty expressing them in other ways as well as not knowing what emotion I am currently feeling. Another way, I plan on being creative is writing. In fact I am writing right now as I blog. However, I am planning on writing some poetry as I feel a few poems that may be on the horizon. Poetry is another way to express my emotions. Of course I will be listening to music as I paint and write like I am doing now. Like I mentioned earlier, I will be playing my flute or harmonica at some point today. Of course I will not be listening to music when I am playing one of my musical instruments.

I am thinking that I don’t have much more to say that I will go end the post especially since I am hungry and in need of making lunch. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Saturday and weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Finally Took a Shower

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I finally took a shower. It only took forever and a day for me to psych myself up to take a shower. The things that helped me take a shower was eating lunch and going for a two mile walk. Eating helped a great deal as it gave me the energy to actually take a shower. The two mile walk helped me clear my head to get into a good head space to talk myself into taking a shower. I am really grateful that I ate lunch, took a walk and finally got into the shower. So, I have done some good self care so far today.

I don’t have much more to write about. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope you all have a good Monday and work week. Peace Out, World!!!

In Desperate Need of a Shower

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I am in desperate need of a shower as I haven’t showered since last Wednesday. I have a couple of ideas of why I haven’t showered and one of them is that my depression is starting to creep back in. The other idea is more or less me being in “fuck it mode” due to something I rather not discuss at the moment. I know taking shower will be extremely helpful in regards to feeling somewhat better.

Not only have I not been showering, I have been in isolation mode. I have been managing to not isolate by hanging out with neighbors as well as going for walks. I do need to start reaching out to friends who don’t live in my apartment building because if I don’t my depression will get worse and I will end up isolating from everyone including my neighbors.

The one thing I was going to do ended up being cancelled because the person is on vacation and failed to inform us last week. I was suppose to attended art group today and it sadly was cancelled the last minute due to a communication failure of the group leader. I was really looking forward to attending art group as I know it would have helped me not isolate as well as to motivate me to take a shower.

On a good note, I have taken my morning walks which I think is my saving grace at the moment. I think my morning walks are great form of self care for me and a good way to start my day. I even do an evening walk to clear my head from whatever type of day I may have had. Taking the two walks a day have been quite beneficial for me and my mental health.

Doing good self care, no matter how small, is something that I benefit from. Sometimes it is difficult for me to do self care due to depression. In fact doing good self care is something I make an effort to do as I want to be an example of what recovery looks like.

I don’t have much more to write about in this post except that I will end up taking a shower at some point today. I also want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Have a good Monday everyone. Peace Out, World!!!

No Sleep In Seattle

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! As expected, I am unable to sleep. I expected that I would not be able to sleep tonight due to sleeping a great deal for about three days due depression related to grief. Grief related to my grandma’s passing away on Valentines Day of last year (2018). It is hard to believe that in a little over three weeks it will be a year since my grandma passed away.

Since I am unable to sleep, I am listening to music. Specifically, I am listening to Sleater-Kinney. They are a great local band from the Seattle area. They are actually, if I am not mistaken from the Olympia / Lacey area of Washington. I tend to favor local musicians from where I live as well as where I grew up as I tend to relate to them a bit more than other musicians.

Another thing I have been doing tonight is reading. I started reading “Lost Boys” by Orson Scott Card. I really like him as an author as I have read other books he has written. I thought I would give this book a try. I usually only read book series but thought I would read a stand alone book. Reading is a great distraction from the reality I am facing.

In fact both reading and music are great distraction from the reality I am facing in regards to dealing with my grandma’s death. Yes, it has been nearly a year since she passed away but she was a motherly figure to me. She helped raise me.

I don’t have much more to say. I will try to blog again later on today. I hope I can get some sleep so I am not a cranky bucket. I hope everyone has a great Monday. Enjoy you week everyone. Peace Out, World!!!

No Excuse For Not Blogging

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a few weeks since I last posted. I have no excuses. I have had plenty of time to post especially since I have not been called into work since Christmas week which I didn’t work at all in December either except for a stupid staff meeting. I do have to say the last few days I have been in a depressive state to where I have been sleeping a great deal. Now, I am a little worried that I won’t be able to get any sleep for a few days.

Let me catch you up on what has been going on with me the last few weeks besides not getting called into work and sleeping a lot the last few days due to being in a depressive state. So, my therapist and one of his colleagues came by my apartment to check on the cleanliness of it and both of them were “impressed” by my apartment. They however weren’t surprised on my music selection as when they showed up, I was playing Sleater-Kinney. My therapist did notice I have some things that I need to throw away and have come up with a plan to get rid of the stuff I don’t need and he suggested by getting rid of the access stuff while listening to music.

Another thing that has been happening is that I have been preparing myself for some dentures. I am getting oral surgery done this Wednesday and will be getting dentures. Yes, I realize that being less than two months away from being forty years old and needing dentures is rare but considering that when I was young I was a hard core anorexic and bulimic, I did a number on my teeth. Something I am not proud of and twenty years after I stopped the eating disorders I am paying for the consequences. Consequences I don’t like but at least it is my teeth that I am loosing due to the eating disorders I dealt with as a child, teenager and young adult instead of my life.

As stressful as the upcoming oral surgery is, I think the reason why the last few days I have been dealing with depression and sleeping too much is because my grandma would have been eighty-nine years old on the fourteenth of this month (January). So, I guess I was dealing with some grief.  Grief that I am still dealing with and will continue to deal with. My therapist and I have been discussing it in bits and pieces. Dealing with grief sucks shit.

I don’t have much more to post about at the moment. I just hope everyone has a good rest of their Sunday evening. I hope everyone has a good night. Peace Out, World!!!!

Christmas Eve Grief & Depression

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, once again, World!!! It is still Christmas Eve and I still have not been able to sleep. The lack of sleep that is not helping with the emotions I am dealing with at the moment. Emotions I would rather not be dealing with at the moment.

Today, I will be celebrating Christmas with my dads side of the family and it happens to be the first Christmas without my grandma. I am dealing with the grief and sadness that goes along with it. Despite dealing with the difficult emotions of dealing with the first holiday without my grandma, I am looking forward to spending time with my dads side of my family.

I am however am dreading later this evening and tomorrow as I will be spending it with my mom’s side of the family. Sadly, my brother won’t be there as he will be spending the holiday with his dad. I am not looking forward to spending Christmas with my mom due to her being in active addiction.

Despite all of this my depression is acting up which sucks shit but it feels and looks like a typical Seattle Christmas minus the rain which is a good thing. I am not a big fan of rain but it wouldn’t be Christmas in the Northwest without rain so maybe we will get rain. Just as long as we don’t get snow, I will be okay with it as we had a white Christmas last year. The grey dreary Seattle weather fits my mood of being depressed. I hope that I somehow my spirits will be lifted some how and not by alcohol.

I am just really tired and hope I am able to take a nap at some point today. The lack of sleep sure is not helping my mood or my negative emotions. Sleep is crucial to having improved mental health symptoms or at least it does for me.

I better be going. I need to take a shower and eat small breakfast. I also need to pack some last minute things for my trip to my moms after I spend Christmas Eve with my dads side of the family. I hope that those of you who celebrate Christmas have a great holiday. Peace Out, World!!!

It’s Officially Christmas Eve

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is officially Christmas Eve in all of America. I don’t know how how to feel about it being Christmas Eve as I am tired as hell because I have not been to sleep yet due to insomnia. I also don’t know haw to feel about it because it is the first Christmas Eve without my grandma. Grief has stricken me hard at the moment. At least my cat, Lil Gertie, is helping me a great deal.

On top of not being able to sleep and dealing with grief, my depression and PTSD symptoms are increasing as well. I am debating whether or not to email my therapist about how I am doing at the moment. I think he will be in the office till about one in the afternoon today but I am not a hundred percent sure.

I do know that today, tomorrow and Wednesday, I will be dealing with family and I just need to make sure I have my ducks in a row as best as I can keep them in a row. What I need is some freaking sleep. Hopefully, I can get some sleep at some point today before I get to my mom’s tonight.

Maybe I should email my therapist so I could at least give him a heads up about how things are going for me at the moment. He already know it is going to be a challenging holiday for me. My therapist is awesome and appreciate him. In fact I am grateful for him and how much he has helped me with my recovery.

I don’t have much more to say as I want to try to get some sleep. I hope everyone who celebrates the Christmas holiday has a good Christmas. Have a wonderful holiday everyone. Peace Out, World!!!

A Woe Is Me Moment

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! Right now I am not doing so well. I am dealing with a ton a grief and increased symptoms of depression. I realize that as Christmas gets closer that the grief will increase due to my grandmas death and I know that the symptoms of the PTSD will increase due to childhood trauma that happened around this time of year. So, the next few days will be quite difficult for me and I hope that when I am staying at my moms that I will have access to WiFi so I can keep you up to date on how things are going.

At this moment in time I am trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my day. I know I have to pack to get ready to be gone for a few days. Don’t worry Lil Gertie will be staying at my grandpa’s when I am at my mom’s. At least the one thing I don’t have to figure out for the rest of the day is buying gifts and wrapping them as I am already done with doing that chore.

In all honesty I am not sure what to do with the rest of my evening. I know I have to pack and really don’t want to do that. Some of the things I have to pack are going to be last minute stuff like Lil Gertie’s food and water dishes as well as her food. Packing shouldn’t really be a problem as I will be spending most of tomorrow at my grandpas and then tomorrow evening I will be going to my moms and coming home the day after Christmas. I guess, I’ll pack what I can and then watch movies.

When I pack I have to make sure I have all my coping skills I can bring with me as my mom can get on my last nerve especially since this year I am not staying a hotel but at her place. I am taking plenty of books, comic books as well as coloring stuff. I am also taking my computer with plenty of movies and hopefully I can get on someone’s WiFi as my mom does not have WiFi.My mom doesn’t have cable either so at least if I can’t get any WiFi from someone else I will still have my laptop for movies that I will bring.

Thank you for reading my blog. I don’t have much else to say. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday. Peace Out, World!!!!