Tag Archives: Recovered Borderline

It’s Been About A Week

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning!!!! It’s a beautiful day Saturday morning in the region of the United States I live in. Yes, it is still morning where I live. It happens to be 11:49am (pacific time) at the moment or least this is time my cell phone and computer say the time is where I am.

Its been about a week since I last blogged. I am extremely sorry that it has been so long that I have blogged. I’ve been busy with various things that I would love to share with you today.

Lets start with my dad. About two weeks ago my family and I were faced with a difficult decision of the possibility of take my dad off of life support or putting him on a tracheostomy. We had a week to decide and we decided to have he tracheostomy done because he was starting to improve extremely well. In fact I am extremely happy that my family and I made that decision because my dad is now in a care facility that specializes in weaning people off a ventilator. He is now off he ventilator during the day. He is on it at night just in case something happens. He is briefly standing up and sitting. Of course this is with the help of physical therapist. The biggest thing everyone is worried about is his swallowing or the lack there of. I am so happy that my dad is doing so well especially since we (as in my family and I) thought he wasn’t going to make it. I love my dad and I know that he is proud of me.

I know he is proud of me because he told me before all is this happened with his health. He is proud of me because of my new job. My new job is going well. It been nothing but orientations last week and they will continue next week. I really think I am going to enjoy my new job. It’s in the field of my desire even if it’s not the particular job I want. I want to tell you more about it but have to go.

I have to go because I have to finish my laundry and do other chores. I have to go to the stupid post office to mail stuff to social security. Oh how I love sending stuff to social security. NOT!! I have to send stuff to social security because I not only work but have disability benefits due to the mental illness I have. I hope that some day I wont need disability benefits.

Well, it is now officially afternoon. It is 12:09 pm (pacific time). Everyone have a wonderful Saturday afternoon. I hope I have time at some point today to blog more about my job. If not today, tomorrow. Peace Out!!!

Apprehension About New Job

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s another amazingly beautiful Sunday evening!!! I know it’s a beautiful day out however I am extremely apprehensive about tomorrow. I start my new job tomorrow and that is why I am so apprehensive about it. I don’t know why I am so apprehensive about starting my new job. It’s in the field I want to be in.

     My boyfriend is trying extremely hard to make sure my apprehension about the new job decreases. He fixed me my favorite meal. My favorite meal is Mac & Cheese (preferably homemade), Ham, and Corn on the Cob. We had Pepsi to drink and for dessert we had my favorite of Strawberry Shortcake. I love my boyfriend and how he tries to calm my nerves. I love the fact that he knows my favorite meal and that he made homemade Mac & Cheese. How many men out there make homemade anything for their girlfriends?

     I think I will keep this particular blog entry short. I need to make sure I have everything ready for my first day on the job tomorrow. I need to make sure I have what I need to give to my new employer. I hope to blog about my first day on the new job tomorrow evening. I really hope I am able to blog about it but not sure how tired I will be. I hope I didn’t bore you all today with this blog entry. I just hope I don’t forget anything I need for my new job. Well, I am going to call it an evening and a night. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday evening everyone. Peace out!!! 

Last Day Of Work At The Grocery Store

Posted on by Gertie

     Well, it is Saturday, September 6, 2014, 11:19pm (pacific time) and today was my last day being employed at the grocery store I was employed at for 9 1/2 years. I no longer work there because of getting a new job as a Consumer Aide at a local mental health agency that I start on Monday, September 8, 2014. I am not sure how to feel about today being my last day at the grocery store.

     The reason why I am unsure of how I am feeling is because I have a number of different emotions on board at the moment. I am a little sad that today was my last day. A little sad because I was employed at the grocery store for 9 1/2 years and my co-workers and customers have become family to me. I’m going to miss seeing them pretty much everyday. Yes, I will still hang out with my co-workers and about a hand full or so customers because they have become family. I’m also happy that today is was my last day because I know being in the grocery store business isn’t the field I was suppose to be in. Plus corporate was and is just expecting too much from there employees and some of what they expect isn’t always in the job description of the particular job class. I am also a little sad because I started working at the grocery store at the beginning of my recovery process with my mental illness.

     Of course starting my new job on Monday just means I am at a different stage in my recovery. I am at a more stable point of my recovery process. My mental illness is finally at a place where I can let people in and start trusting my natural support system. I’m not saying that I didn’t trust them, I’m saying that I had difficulty asking them for help and letting them in. I am in a good place at the moment even though I had to make a difficult decision in regards to my dads current health crisis. (Side Note: I am happy that I made the decision to have my dad get a tracheotomy.)

      Being in a good place means knowing when I am getting tired. I am really tired and need some sleep. Needing some sleep means I need to end the blog for now. It is 11:35pm (pacific time). Have goodnight and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace out!!!

It’s Been A Long Week

Posted on by Gertie

     Well, it’s a rainy Tuesday evening and the rain seems to fit how I am feeling at the moment. I haven’t blogged in a while because my dad is on the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) on life support. My family and I have been informed that we might have to stop life support or put him on a tracheostomy which is another form of life support. Unfortunately, my dad does not have a power of attorney nor is he married. That means by proxy I am the legal next of kin. It’s been quite difficult on me but more difficult on my grandparents. I just don’t want my dad to be suffering. I really want a miracle so my family and I don’t have to make such a difficult decision. The doctors say we have about a week to make the decision.

     I know my dad would want me to go about my normal day tomorrow. I see my therapist then I go to my last shift at the homeless shelter. After my last shift at the homeless shelter I go to my first shift at the warm line. I know without a doubt that my dad would be approving of my decision of going about my day. I also know that my grandparents are in town and if any turns for the worst they will notify me. My grandparents are supportive in my decision. I just wish it wasn’t such a difficult one considering the condition my father.

     I love my daddy so much. I just wish a miracle would happen. I would like you my readers and followers to pray for him or send out positive energies or vibes. I am not sure when I will be able to blog next considering my dad’s heath condition. Peace out and have a good evening.

Getting A Lil Stressed

Posted on by Gertie

      It’s another Tuesday evening and I find myself getting a lil stressed. Well, it’s late evening. Some might even consider it night time because its 11:29pm (pacific time). No, I am NOT getting stressed because of what time of day it is.

     I am  getting stressed because of some major changes in my life. All the changes going on in my life are good thing. Yes, change can be good and yes, good change can be stressful.

     The change I am talking about include changes in both in my volunteer jobs and paid employment. One job is ending because I got another employment opportunity. In fact it’s an employment opportunity in field I desire. Because of the new job opportunity I have to resign from a much loved volunteer job. It is policy at my new job that you are not a volunteer. That is why the volunteer job is ending. It so happens that my last day at the homeless shelter is going to be my first evening being as call taker on the Warm Line. It just kind of worked out that way. The Universe has a way of having things work out in weird and funny ways.

     The Universe worked everything out just right for me. Like I said earlier my last day at the homeless shelter will be my first evening at the Warm Line. In fact that happens next Wednesday (September 3rd). Then the last day I am available to work at my current employment is Saturday, September 6th. I am a little nervous about my last day at my current employment at the grocery store. I start my new job as a Consumer Aide on Monday, September 8th. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t apprehensive about how everything is coming together in my life.

      The way everything is coming together is part of why I am little stressed. Things haven’t always come together as smoothly as this current situation in my life. In fact the last year and a half has been pretty much been coming together. Most of my life things haven’t worked out or come together. Yes, the last year and half has come together but that doesn’t I haven’t had my hiccups. I am just a lil fearful of another major hiccup but I need to focus on the good things. Yes, I need to focus on the good things even if they are lil stressful.

     I need to get going and do some stress relief stuff. Plus I am a little tired as well. It is now 11:42pm (pacific time) so I am just going to call it a night after I do some stress relief. Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace out!!!

Woo Hoo!!!

Posted on by Gertie

     Woo Hoo!!! I got the job as a Consumer Aide at the agency the runs the homeless shelter I volunteer at. The sad news is that I will have to quit volunteering at the homeless shelter due to not being able to be a volunteer and employee at the same time. As much as it saddens me that I have to quit the my volunteer job at the homeless shelter, I am absolutely thrilled that I got the job. It is not exactly a peer counseling job but at least it is a step in the right direction. I’m a little apprehensive about quitting one job and starting a new one.

      The cool thing about everything is that my last day volunteering at the homeless shelter will be my first evening volunteering as a call taker at the Warm Line. In fact the volunteer stuff all happens the first week of September. Everything that is happening is falling right into place. I start one volunteer job as another one ends. Of course one volunteer job is ending because of a new job beginning. All this also means that I will be saying goodbye to some really cool people at my current employment at the grocery store I work at. My co-workers and customers have become family to me. I am going to miss them dearly even the one or two co-workers and hand full of customers who don’t like me. Hell, no family is going to like each other 100% of the time.

     Well, I am putting my two weeks notice in tomorrow at my current employment when I go into work. As I stated above I’m going to be sad to leave and say goodbye to people I’ve become close with. As of right now according to my new boss I will starting on September 8th. They wanted me to start this Monday (8/25/2014) however I have to put in two weeks notice at my current employment and I am glad that they respect that.

      I found out I got the job at about 9 this morning (pacific time). Its now 2:52pm(pacific time) The reason why I waited a few hours to blog about the new job is because I wanted to let the people in my inner circle know first. I haven’t even posted on Facebook yet. In fact I am not going to post it on Facebook until I put in my two weeks notice at my current employment. I also wrote (typed) my two weeks notice letter to my current employment. I know what you are about to read will seem kind of humorous or leave you scratching your head wondering why I did what I am about to mention but there is method to my madness. I updated my résumé with job descriptions of both my new volunteer job and new paid job. I did this so when I decide to get another job I am better prepared. Just so you all know I plan on being at my new employer for at least a year because it looks better on the résumé and I told them I would be with them for at least a year. I’m hoping that I can eventually become a Peer Support Specialist/Peer Counselor at the agency I got the job at.

     Well, enough about my new job and everything. I need to get  going and get ready for my volunteer training at the Warm Line. I am sorry I haven’t blogged in a few days. I hope to blog again tomorrow but the way I’ve been blogging lately I’m not sure if I will. I hope to. I want to. Anyway, as of right now I hope to blog tomorrow. Peace out.

Monday Cant Get Here Soon Enough

Posted on by Gertie

     Its another Sunday evening and I am so looking forward till tomorrow. As most of the world dreads Mondays, I look forward to them. For most of the world it is the start of the work week. For  me Mondays mark my Friday. Hell, for most of the world it’s already Monday. 

     My shift at work today seemed like it was a 12 hour shift instead of a 6 hours shift. The customers just seemed ruder than normal when most of my coworkers seemed to have an attitude problem due to the rudeness of the customers. I just wish people realized how their behavior can effect others. I mean people working at a grocery store are just trying to pay their bills and take care of their families and don’t deserve to be treated like shit. If we treated our customers the way they treat us we wouldn’t have a job anymore or the company would go under. Its not my fault or the fault of the checker’s (cashier) if corporate decides to discontinue an item. In fact its not always corporate that  does it. Sometimes its the manufacture of the product. The employees at a grocery have no control what so ever what item is discontinued. Oh yeah, if you have an expired I.D/Drivers License we can not legally sell you alcohol. Obeying the law doesn’t give anyone the right to hit anyone. Sorry for bitching but seriously please be nice to the employees of the grocery store or supermarket you shop at. You have no idea how an previous customers may have treated us.   

     Tomorrow I also here back from the agency I had an interview with. I am so hoping I get the job because I don’t know how much I can take from customers or corporate. Working 9 years a grocery store can make anyone stress out. I just need a career change and I hope I get the job as a Consumer Aide.  

     On a good note when I got to my boyfriends house after work he had dinner for me. He had barbequed chicken and corn and made freshly squeezed lemonade for me. Plus we strawberry shortcake for dessert. Oh how I love my boyfriend. He knows how to lessen my stress even if he doesn’t realize I am stressed when I show up. I should get go.

     Well, I should get going. I will try to blog again tomorrow. I am hoping to blog everyday. I am really wanting to add more followers to my blog but not sure how. Well, have a good rest of your Sunday everyone. For those of you in this world that its already Monday then have a good Monday. Peace Out.

Struggling A Little Bit

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s another Thursday and I have been struggling a bit for about a week or two now. I didn’t realize how badly I was struggling till this past Monday (8/11/2014) when I dissociated. The unfortunate part of the dissociated state it that I ended up cutting. I am so disappointed that I cut. I hadn’t cut in three years. When I started coming out of the dissociated state and realized what I had done, I freaked out and called 911. Of course the fire department came and checked me out and then I was taken to the emergency room.

      My experience in the emergency room wasn’t the best I have had in the 14 years I have been going to this particular ER for both psych and medical reasons. On the positive side both of the physicians were caring and sincere in wanting to help me. It was both the nurse and the social worker that didn’t make my experience all that great. The nurse was just negative with me the entire night. She told me that I needed to get my act together and that if it wasn’t for the HIPPA law that she would tell my boss’s about what happened. (Side note: The nurse shops at the grocery store I work at on the regular basis). When the social worker finally talked to me her demeanor was as if she didn’t want to be at work or got the short straw to talk to me. I told the social worker what the nurse said and the social worker told me that the nurse would never say that and I that I was being “hostile.” The question I have is how can I be hostile if I am sitting on the floor in a corner of the room with a blanket around me and sucking my thumb holding a stuffed animal. If that’s “hostile” then I would hate to think what her (the social workers) point of view is on violent behavior. The social worker then had the guts to tell me that she didn’t believe me that I dissociated. As she told me this one of the doctors came in to check on me and well he didn’t seem too happy with the social worker at the moment. The doctor asked how I was doing and I said I was doing better (which I was) and then said that he believed me. This doctor has treated me before and knows that I dissociate. Well, to make a long story short the doctor talked to the social work who in return said, I’m only apologizing because I was asked to. I really don’t like it when people are forced to apologize to me or others when they don’t mean it but am grateful that doctor cared enough to talk to her. His heart was in the right place. Thankfully, I wasn’t hospitalized. I was sent home.

    For me being sent home was a good thing. It means that I am far enough in my recovery process that I can continue to do what I need to do in my everyday life. For me going on with my life is what I need to do. That means continue going to my volunteer training at the Warm Line as well as going  to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. That also mean I will go to work tomorrow as well as on Saturday and any shifts I have next week. For me if I wasn’t in recovery I wouldn’t have bothered going to the Warm Line training this past Tuesday as well as my listening shift last night nor would have I gone to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. I consider this episode as a relapse. I am picking up where I left off before I dissociated and harmed myself. Another thing I am waiting on is my therapist to call me back. She was sick on Tuesday and doesn’t work on Wednesdays and hoping she is back in the office today. If she is still out today I will just see her at my regularly scheduled appointment. As much as I am beating myself up over what happened I have to get up and dust myself up and make the choice to continue my recovery process.

     I debated whether or not to share this with you because I didn’t want to trigger anyone nor did I want to worry anyone. I decided to blog about after I discussed it with my natural support system and they said it would be a good idea because it will show that I am human (which I am) and that I can pick up with my life even though its a little difficult at the moment. Yes, I know I blogged on Tuesday but I didn’t have my mind wrapped around what happen the night before and needed some space before I blogged about it. Now there is enough space and decided blog about what happened with the encouragement from the people who care about me. I am hoping that me blogging about this shows that people with mental illness can work through there issues as they continue with their everyday life. For me to continue with my everyday life is key to my recovery. It is my hope that this blog entry can show others struggling with mental illness that recovery is possible even if you relapse and that hope is out even if you relapse. I am worried about what my therapist is going to say on Monday but I will deal with that when it comes. As much as I don’t like my job I am looking forward to work tomorrow. I am grateful that I am able to work. Continuing to go on with my everyday life is something I’ve learned to do to not go farther backwards.

     Speaking of continuing with everyday life I need to get going. I need to eat and get my work clothes ready for tomorrow before I go to my volunteer training at the Warm Line. Have a good rest of your Thursday. I hope I didn’t trigger or worry anyone. Peace out!!

Just Another Tuesday

Posted on by Gertie

     Well another Tuesday is about over with and I am exhausted. I am not sure why I am so exhausted because I honestly didn’t do all the much today. I pretty much hung out with my boyfriend all day. We spent our time just being lazy. We worked on a jigsaw puzzle most of the day. We worked on the jigsaw puzzle till I had to go to my volunteer training for the Warm Line.

     I am enjoying the training immensely. I have another listening in shift tomorrow and am looking forward to it. I can not wait till I am actually taking calls on the Warm Line because I want show people hope and that recovery is possible. Volunteering gives me a sense of purpose in this world.

     Speaking volunteering I am looking forward to my volunteer shift  at the homeless shelter tomorrow. I cant wait to see the clients tomorrow. They give me so much joy and they have no idea that they do.

      Volunteering anywhere gives me a sense of purpose and I think it helps me more than it does the people I help. Giving of your time means so much more than giving of money. Yes, money helps but giving of your time means much more to the person or persons that you are helping.

      My boyfriend spending time with me means more to me than how much money he spends on me. I rather him save his money. I love simple lazy days with him like today. I love that we can work on a jigsaw puzzle and be content with it. We don’t have to go out to some fancy restaurant to enjoy each others company. I love my boyfriend with all my heart.

      Speaking of my boyfriend I should get going because I want some cuddling time with him. Cuddling is always an enjoyable event. Well, enjoy the last 1 hour and 7minutes that is left in Tuesday everyone. Goodnight and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace out.

Monday Of Mourning R.I.P Robin Williams

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s another Monday and in all honesty is a Monday of Mourning. As many of you have heard or read; Robin Williams passed away at the age of 63 from a suspected suicide. The news has said that he suffered from Depression but in all actuality he suffered from Bipolar Disorder, ADHD and couple of other things I cannot remember. I waited a few hours after I heard the news about Robin Williams to blog about it because I wasn’t sure what to say. I realize there is really nothing much to say than what others have said however I will share my memories regarding Robin Williams.

     My first memory of Robin Williams is watching reruns of Mork & Mindy on Nick & Nite in the middle of the night as a child. Mork & Mindy helped me through some rough moments when things got really bad with the abuse I suffered as child. Sometimes I wished I was an alien from another planet with a life for that cared. His humor helped me through out my life.

     Robin Williams got me through my childhood with Mork & Mindy while in my late tweens and early teen he got me through with Hook, Aladdin, Fern Gully, and Mrs. Doubtfire. In my mid to late teens the movies The Birdcage, Good Will Hunting, Patch Adams and the discovery of Dead Poets Society helped me through being a teenager. Plus, the numerous other movies he has made through my twenties and into my thirties has touched my life. All the movies I’ve mentioned plus many more I have watched time and again because I know that they help out with some part of my life or just a simple movie night with friends. 

    We all have moments we will remember where we were when we heard the news of something major. For me, Robin William’s death is one of those moments. I had come home and turned on my computer and looked on my Facebook when I heard the news at 4:15pm (pacific time). I found out on Facebook. Robin Williams has had a profound impact on my life. I have met him on several occasions as well as received hand written letters from him. In those letters he encouraged me with my recovery process with my mental health issues. I just wish he was still here so he could encourage others in their recovery process. Robin Williams was a very important person in my life regarding my recovery. Hell, he still is.

    Robin Williams I know you are know longer with us but I know you are somewhere out there reading this. Just know you have had a profound influence on my life. Thank you so much for being a positive influence in my life. Thanks for making me and billions of others laugh till we peed our pant. We will miss you very much. You are so very much loved.

    I am ending this blog in tears. I hope to blog tomorrow about how the rest of today went. I normally don’t cry but I feel like its a good time to cry when a person who influenced your life passes away. Again I hope to blog again tomorrow. I hope the rest of you Monday turns out happier. R.I.P ROBIN WILLIAMS