Everyday Inspiration; Day 3: 1-Word Inspiration


I chose the word home because home can mean many things to different people. Home can be many places as well. I’ve called and currently call many places home.

Let’s start with my first home. My first home is the place I grew up. In fact I grew up in Anaheim, California. Not too far from Disneyland. Hell, you could seen the Disneyland fireworks from both my front and back yards of my childhood home. You didn’t even to to sit on the roof of the house to see them. I lived there with my dad and grandparents. Even though I don’t live there or have family that live there anymore that will be home.

Another place I called home as a child is Olympia, Washington. Hell, it still feels like home as an adult when I go and visit. I spent my summers and winter vacations in Olympia to visit my mom as my parents have been divorced since I was a toddler. I still go to Olympia to visit my mom a few times a year, now that I live in the Seattle area.

Now lets talk about my current home in Seattle. My home is where my cat is as well as the teddy bear I had since I was born. It’s also that place I like to be most as my cat loves me unconditionally and my teddy bear doesn’t judge me. I am sure my cat, Billie Dean judges me but that’s okay because I know he loves me.

Last but not least home is also where my grandpa lives which isn’t far from where I live. It’s home for me because of my grandpa loves me and he helped raise me. I guess just being with my grandpa makes me feel at home even if we are in the car driving some place.

Apparently, Mr. Sandman Forgot to Stop by My Place

Good Saturday, Morning, World!!! It is five zero four (5:04) in the blasted morning here in Seattle area. In fact as I looked out the window it is currently foggy outside. In all honesty, I wish I was able to sleep despite liking fog when I don’t have to be out in it.

As far as my cat, Billie Dean, he is sound asleep. Something I wish I was doing at the moment. Sadly, Mr. Sandman forgot to stop by my place so I could get some sleep. I just would like to sleep a solid eight hours, preferably at night. I am however grateful that Billie, my cat, is still asleep or he would most likely be wanting to play. And as much I as enjoy playing with Billie, I am just way too tired to play with him at the moment which is why I am glad he is sound asleep.

Since I haven’t been able to sleep I have been listening to a podcast about philosophy. Specifically, I am listening to the podcast Philosophize This.” Of course as I listen to this podcast, I am coloring. In fact I am coloring the creepy, morbid Disney Horror coloring book that I ordered off of Amazon. I’m hopingo to show you updates on the pictures I am coloring.

I do not have very much more to say in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you read my blog. If it wasn’t for you the reader reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great Saturday ahead of them. Peace Out, World!!!

Not Sorry About My Not So Rated G Post

Good Very Early Morning, World!!! Or at least it’s very early in the morning here in my corner of the world, known as Seattle. Apparently, some readers got offended by my last post regarding coloring a morbid coloring book that is all Disney characters. I received an email from WordPress that it disturbed some of my readers but it doesn’t break any rules or community standards. All they wanted was me to put a “Trigger Warning” at the beginning of the post. I totally understand about getting triggered by things and when I do, I talk with my mental health treatment team as well as other who are in recovery. I also use the skills I learned through therapy when I am triggered. Am I sorry the post triggered other, no not really. I feel bad that I triggered others but I’m not sorry about it as it could be a way for people to learn to cope by using coping skill that help them. For me coloring this coloring book is a way for me to heal from some things that are Disney related. For me coloring and doing a morbid coloring book is a form of self care and healing for me.

As far a the morbid Disney coloring book, it appears that my cat, Billie would like to help with me at times. He doesn’t seem bothered by the morbid Disney coloring book. I love my cat and how he likes my morbid sense of humor.

I do not have much more to say in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading it. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader read my blog. If it wasn’t for you the reader reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. It means a great deal to me that you read my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

A Disturbing Way to Start a New Year by Coloring; Do a Disney Horror Coloring Book

Saw fart this is what I have what I have done with my start of my Disney Horror coloring books.

So, I ordered a morbid Disney graphic coloring book off of Amazon to have as I have love hate with relationship with Disney. I was going to see if my clients would want to do them as well. I quickly realized it would not be great for my clients to do. So I am have decided I will work on this particular horrific Disney coloring book myself and share my progress with you my reader. So here is the start of the first picture. I hope you like it so far. It will get more morbid as I do more pictures. I hope I can share this on a regular basis as I am sure the farther along I get in the coloring book the more morbid it gets. This is not the Disney I knew growing up near Disneyland. I’m pretty sure this is not the Disney any of knew in our childhood.

I don’t know have much more to say expect to say thank you for reading my blog plots. I appreciate it from my things that you read blog. If it wasn’t for you the reader I wouldn’t be writing my blog. Thank you again from reading my blog.. Peace Out, World!!!

A Random Middle of the Night Ramblings


Happy Middle of the night, World!!! I am unable to sleep once again when I should be sleeping and it suck shit. I highly don’t like not being able to sleep especially in the middle of the night. Not being able to sleep well affect my mental health a great deal which is why do have some skills I am able to do on sleepless nights.

So tonight’s skills will be doing art work while listening music like ACDC and Guns & Roses. I will be doing art work by coloring. Coloring Disney Horror scenes some that can be disturbing to others. I hope that I will be able to show you a completed Horror Disney page when I am done but just now it could be triggering to so some folks and not wise to chose children. I feel like it was perfect for me as I have a love hate relationship with Disney for many reasons. And yes I will be listening to some hard rock music while coloring Horror Disney pictures.

I am pretty sure my cat, Billie Deal will want to be helpful with with the coloring part of my plan. I love my cat Billie so much and how he is a a cuddle bug as well as a love but.

I don’t have much more to say in the particular blog post middle of the night rambling post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, do reading my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. I hope you all have great weekend and hope you are getting more sleep than I am. Good Night and Peace Out, World!!!

Monday Of Mourning R.I.P Robin Williams

     It’s another Monday and in all honesty is a Monday of Mourning. As many of you have heard or read; Robin Williams passed away at the age of 63 from a suspected suicide. The news has said that he suffered from Depression but in all actuality he suffered from Bipolar Disorder, ADHD and couple of other things I cannot remember. I waited a few hours after I heard the news about Robin Williams to blog about it because I wasn’t sure what to say. I realize there is really nothing much to say than what others have said however I will share my memories regarding Robin Williams.

     My first memory of Robin Williams is watching reruns of Mork & Mindy on Nick & Nite in the middle of the night as a child. Mork & Mindy helped me through some rough moments when things got really bad with the abuse I suffered as child. Sometimes I wished I was an alien from another planet with a life for that cared. His humor helped me through out my life.

     Robin Williams got me through my childhood with Mork & Mindy while in my late tweens and early teen he got me through with Hook, Aladdin, Fern Gully, and Mrs. Doubtfire. In my mid to late teens the movies The Birdcage, Good Will Hunting, Patch Adams and the discovery of Dead Poets Society helped me through being a teenager. Plus, the numerous other movies he has made through my twenties and into my thirties has touched my life. All the movies I’ve mentioned plus many more I have watched time and again because I know that they help out with some part of my life or just a simple movie night with friends. 

    We all have moments we will remember where we were when we heard the news of something major. For me, Robin William’s death is one of those moments. I had come home and turned on my computer and looked on my Facebook when I heard the news at 4:15pm (pacific time). I found out on Facebook. Robin Williams has had a profound impact on my life. I have met him on several occasions as well as received hand written letters from him. In those letters he encouraged me with my recovery process with my mental health issues. I just wish he was still here so he could encourage others in their recovery process. Robin Williams was a very important person in my life regarding my recovery. Hell, he still is.

    Robin Williams I know you are know longer with us but I know you are somewhere out there reading this. Just know you have had a profound influence on my life. Thank you so much for being a positive influence in my life. Thanks for making me and billions of others laugh till we peed our pant. We will miss you very much. You are so very much loved.

    I am ending this blog in tears. I hope to blog tomorrow about how the rest of today went. I normally don’t cry but I feel like its a good time to cry when a person who influenced your life passes away. Again I hope to blog again tomorrow. I hope the rest of you Monday turns out happier. R.I.P ROBIN WILLIAMS

Nightmare Leftovers

     Hey! I guess I can say it’s officially Friday since it is 1:34 in the morning (pacific time). Its been Friday for an hour and thirty four minutes now. I guess a Happy Friday is in order. Happy Friday, everyone!!!

     I have been up for about an hour and a half now due to a stupid ass nightmare. Thankfully, I’m at my boyfriends house and he is helping me through what I call the nightmare leftovers. Sometimes the nightmare leftovers are difficult to deal with. Depending on what type of nightmare I had, I can wake up in little girl mode. Most of the time when I am in little girl mode after a severe nightmare like tonight I don’t realize that I’m in it because the nightmare felt like the trauma was happening all over again. It can take quite awhile for me to get out of little girl mode. Tonight it only took an hour for me to out of little girl mode. According to my boyfriend, I was 9 year old Gertie for that hour. Apparently 9 year old Gertie thinks my boyfriend is a safe person and that is a good thing. My boyfriend is a safe person. I have stuffed animals at my boyfriends house to help me through rough moments even if the rough moments are not when I am in little girl mode. My therapist says that its a common thing for people to dissociate after a severe nightmare or PTSD symptom. The dissociation is getting less and less as well as farther apart as I continue to work through the pain of my past with my therapist. Well, I’ve gotten off track. Back to the nightmare leftovers. My boyfriend is a strong man (both emotionally and physically) and is able to handle the nightmare leftovers pretty well. When I become little Gertie my boyfriend gives me one of my stuffed animals to hold and puts on a Disney movie. I guess tonight 9 year old Gertie wanted to watch The Jungle Book so my boyfriend put it in for her to watch. When I get out of little girl mode I usually put on some music to help get grounded again. I put on Nirvana to help me get grounded and it helped me. See, another part of the nightmare leftovers is that it takes a while for me to recuperate from the nightmare especially if I was in little girl mode. The part that is most difficult for my boyfriend is when he wants to cuddle with me (when I am not in lil girl mode) to try to comfort me and I cant because its difficult for me to be touched. That part is difficult for me as well however its quite difficult for him and I wish I stand being touched after a nightmare. I am extremely grateful that my boyfriend is patient with me and whatever symptoms any of my mental heath diagnoses may bring. I just wish I had the patients with the symptoms that he has with them. Nightmare leftovers suck because being intimate with my boyfriend isn’t going to happen when we go back to bed. Cuddling maybe but not sex. I am getting really sleepy.

     I am thinking should get going so I could get some sleep. I might even have my boyfriend cuddle with me so I can feel a little bit safer. He always makes me feel safe. I should get going and try to get some sleep. Hopefully, I can get some sleep. I know my boyfriend will stay up with me if need be. It is now 2 o’clock in the morning and I really need sleep. Peace out!

Just Another Thursday

     Well, its Thursday evening and its another beautiful day. Life is going fairly well despite my PTSD symptoms acting up still. As much as I don’t like dealing with my symptoms, I do have to say the nice warm and sunny helps a great deal with dealing with them. I love it when it gets warm outside.

     As many of you know who follow my blog or read it on the regular basis, Thursdays are my Sundays. I go back to work tomorrow. I don’t mind my job however I’m getting frustrated that I’m still in the same position and the same employer. Only time I get a raise is when minimum wage goes. I make 10 cents about minimum wage. You would think that if someone has been employed someplace for 9 years that they would get a pay raise especially since I train the other courtesy clerks (baggers). I bag groceries at a grocery store and feel like I should be doing something more with my life. I am 30something and feel like I’ve accomplished nothing with my life. In reality I have accomplished a lot. I’ve maintained employment with my current employer for 9 years. I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I also have the received certification as a peer counselor.

     Speaking of peer counseling, I’m still seeking a job as a peer. It seems that at this point in time that there are no positions at this time or the ones out there require at least a year of paid experience. How am I suppose to get paid experience when I’m not getting a job in the field. You would think volunteer experience would be enough. Oh well. I’m sure the right peer job is out there for me somewhere.

     Enough about me being frustrated with not being employed in job I desire. Something I’ve been doing to help with my PTSD symptoms is watching baseball on television. I love baseball. Unfortunately, the baseball team I was rooting for lost. That’s okay because it ultimately helps out my favorite baseball team (The Angels).

     Speaking of baseball and my favorite baseball team I watch the Disney movie, Angels In The Outfield. Its not only a cute movie but an adorable movie as well. I enjoy Disney movies. They tend to have a good moral to the story (most of the time).

     I also talked to my little brother today. He is doing great. He is so funny. I try to talk to him at least twice a week. He is the reason why I chose to start the recovery process as well as stay in recovery from mental illness. I want him to know anything is possible.

     I don’t have much to discuss at the moment. That means I will end this blog entry for now. I hope to blog again tomorrow. Have a good rest of your Thursday evening. Peace out.