Tag Archives: Recovery

A Wave of Grief

Posted on by Gertie

It is hump day (Wednesday) and I am just checking in. To tell you the truth, I am struggling a little bit with some sadness. Sadness due to the miscarriage. Some days are just better than other days and the last four or five days have been not so good. I have had a wave of grief that has hit me. Don’t get me wrong, there is always a part of me that is sad and grieving over the miscarriages, its just a strong wave of sadness has come over me at the moment.

Sometimes I feel all alone in my grief even though I know Junior shares the grief along side of me. Today, I discussed with him how I was feeling and we cried together. Yes, the crying helped a wee bit but not as much as I would have liked it to. I know grief is a process and that I will always miss the babies I lost. It just hurts that I was unable to meet them.

To make things worse, a lot of my friends are showing baby pictures or pictures of their school aged kids getting ready for school to start on Facebook. I don’t expect people to stop posting picture of their kids but it hurts. It hurts a great deal. The greatest pain anyone can face is that of loosing a child or children. I can say this because, I have lost two sets of twins due to miscarriage and as a child suffered years of abuse that included multiple r*p*s. Hell, I even suffered being r*p*d as an adult. Loosing a child hurts deep within my soul.

I am just grateful that I have Junior in my corner who know the pain of a loosing a child. I am also grateful that my therapist is back from vacation tomorrow and that I will be able to see her first thing in the morning. I know discussing the pain and sadness about the miscarriage with my therapist tomorrow will be helpful. No matter how difficult a session with my therapist is, I always seem to feel better.

I best be going. I think I am going to go for a walk and hopefully, Junior will join me. He usually does. Thank you for reading. Sorry for the depressing post. I know thing will get better as I continue to work through the grief. Have a great hump day (Wednesday) everyone and peace out!!

11 Months

Posted on by Gertie

Today, marks eleven months since I started my wonderful job as a Consumer Aide at a local mental health agency. I love my job. I know it is not exactly the position I desire to be in but its a foot in the door. When, I applied and interviewed for my current job, I knew that I would start looking for jobs as a Peer Specialist (or Peer Counselor) once I hit my one year anniversary. Not because that’s how long the job last because it doesn’t but because the longer you are at a job (or employer) the better it looks to hiring managers. Yes, that means in a month from now, I will be looking for Peer positions. I will be looking within the agency I am employed with as well as outside the agency.

To be honest with you, I am a little apprehensive to start looking for a peer position. I am apprehensive because I fear I will not be what people expect, desire or worse a let them down. Another reason why I am apprehensive is that I have become fond of my clients. Even though it is highly discouraged to have “favorite clients,” it naturally happens. I am also a little nervous that I will get lots of interviews but no job offers. That is what happened when I was looking for peer jobs that last time, which led me to my current position. As you can tell, I am lacking in self-confidence and that is something I am working. on.

I hope that when I do start applying for Peer Specialist positions that it doesn’t take long for me to get a job a peer. It took sending six résumés and cover letters, five interviews and one job offer over a matter of five months before I got my current job. I’m not going to let that get in the way because, I know what hiring managers a looking for now and I have “paid” experience in the field. Not only that, I have been volunteering at the Warm Line for eleven months now and at the young adult shelter for two and half months. I’m sure that all my work and volunteer experience will help me at least get an interview.

I am just thrilled that I am working in the mental health field even if its not my desired position. I love and enjoy what I do. I am grateful that I am able to be an example of recovery looks like to the clients I serve. I am a little sad that as soon as I get a position I desire I will have to say goodbye to my clients.

I best be going now. I need to get ready for the day. I am looking forward to volunteering at the Warm Line this evening. Have an awesome weekend and have some good ole fashioned fun. Peace Out!!!

Daily Prompt: Let’s Go Crazy

Posted on by Gertie

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Let’s Go Crazy.” Sometimes, we act on impulse: it could be something as small as ordering that special dessert on the menu, maybe asking out that cute boy or girl, or as large quitting your job and selling everything you own to become a shepherd in New Zealand. What’s the most crazy, outrageously impulsive thing you’ve ever done? If you’ve never succumbed to temptation, dream a little. If you gave yourself permission to go a little crazy, what would you do?

This (past) daily prompt angers me. It angers me because the prompt is named “Let”s Go Crazy” and is extremely disheartening and discriminating for those who struggle with mental illness. It adds to the stigma that goes with having a mental illness. I understand what the prompt “is asking” but it’s not funny and maybe I am taking it too seriously but it’s demoralizing to those of us who struggle with a mental illness.

No one really wants to “go crazy.” Life is difficult enough without having a mental health diagnoses. It is not an easy thing to go through day to day living and if you have a mental illness on top of that, it is a constant struggle. A struggle that many people do not over come due to the fact that their symptoms are so unbearable that they choose to die by suicide. Unforantenly, it is the only way that some who struggle with mental illness can get any relief from their symptoms.

Living with a mental illness is a constant struggle and choosing to live in recovery is not easy either. Imagine dealing with a sadness that does not go away or having to relive a traumatic experience everyday even when the trauma ended decades ago or worse yet hearing or seeing things that no one else is able to see or hear. Most people can not and/or will not try to comprehend what people like myself and many others experience everyday and a daily prompt’s title saying “Lets Go Crazy” just dehumanizes what those of us who struggle with mental illness go through on the daily basis. It adds to the stigma of dealing with a mental illness.

Not only does stigma effect those who are diagnosed with a mental illness, it effects their friends and family as well. There are great deal of people out there in the world including here on WordPress trying to eliminate the stigma that goes with having a mental health diagnosis. I know it wasn’t the intention of WordPress to stigmatize or discriminate against any particular population they serve but hope that the fine folks who work for WordPress will think about how certain words and/or phrase can affect certain populations.

Before I end this particular entry, I know I may be taking this “title” too seriously and that WordPress wasn’t trying to discriminate but just wanted to share with you the world on how I felt about it. I started blogging to help end the stigma that goes with having a mental illness. Now that I have been on my soapbox, I am going to end this entry for now. Have a wonderful day and peace out!!!

Weekly Goals

Posted on by Gertie

It is Monday and time to set my goals for the week. Before, I state my weekly I would like to discuss how I did with last weeks goals. Last weeks goals:

1) Write sponsored child. Yes, I did this. In fact I wrote to her twice.

2) Sign up for shift at the young adult shelter. Yes, I signed up for two evening shifts. I also tried to sign up for an overnight shift but it wouldn’t let me so I’m waiting to hear back from the volunteer coordinator.

3) Start reading Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. Yes, I did start reading. Only read the introduction.

4) Figure out what day I want to do for my blogging feature. Yes, I chose Friday.

5) Work on cross-stitching for 15 minutes. No I did not do this. I forgot.

6) Color. Yes I did color.

I figure, I did relatively okay. Five out of six goals accomplished, not bad. Now on to my goals for this week with explanation:

1) Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. In all honesty, I think this is going to be a re-occurring goal till I finish the book.

2) Work on Cross-Stitch. Since this was the one goal I did not accomplish last week it is my goal to work on in this week even if it is only for a few minutes.

3) Figure out what topic, I want to do for my blogging feature and pick a start date. Yes, I chose a day on what day I want my blogging feature, I just need to pick out a start date and topic for my first educational feature.

4) Make an appointment for my regular doctor and dermatologist. I need to make a follow up appointment with my regular doctor because of an E.R visit I had. I ended up having a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) and need to make sure it has cleared up. I also need to make an appointment with my dermatologist because, I received an email saying its time for my annual visit to get my skin checked out for possible skin cancer. Don’t worry its just a precaution since it runs in my family.

5) Color. Yes, I’m going to color again. It helps relax me.

Thank you for putting up with my goals. They all play apart in my mental health recovery despite what some people may say. It is my recovery not theirs. Recovery looks differently to everyone. I am glad I chose this blogging event. The event I am apart of is on the following link: http://greenembe.rs/2015/08/03/building-rome-week-31-for-2015/ Have a wonderful week. Have a good work week and Peace out everyone!!

Daily Prompt: Grand Slam

Posted on by Gertie

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Grand Slam.” In your own life, what would be the equivalent of a walk-off home run? (For the baseball-averse, that’s a last-minute, back-against-the-wall play that guarantees a dramatic victory.)

It being the middle of the baseball season, this particular (past) daily prompt grabbed my attention and rightfully so. I love analogies especially ones that involve sports. This particular analogy, if its what you call it, strikes close to home from. (Pardon, the pun in regards to baseball.)

I have had my share of walk-off home runs that have lead to victory, even if I don’t necessarily want to admit it.  It is difficult for me to pick one so I will choose one if its not a long post and I’m not tired, I might share a second one.

The walk-off home run that led to a victory that comes to mind is when I entered the two year intensive outpatient Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) program. My back was literally getting against the wall with being able to get the proper treatment I needed because, I was starting to wear out some pretty good clinicians with my behavior, frequent self-harm and multiple suicide attempts. I was not the easiest of clients and new that if I didn’t accept the fact that, I needed to go into DBT, I would either be a lifer at the state hospital or six feet under (dead). I have the Peer Counselor to thank for sharing their recovery story with me because if it wasn’t for that, I honestly, don’t think  would have gone into the DBT program. The victory of all this is when I not only graduated from the first year but the second year as well.

I will share with you another walk-off home run that led to victory. This one was of the most difficult decisions I had to make in my life and am beyond grateful that I did. This one victory happened a few years before the DBT program I was in. I was nineteen years old and barely out of high school when I was told by my doctor at the time that if I didn’t seek treatment for the eating disorders I was struggling with I would be dead by my 21st birthday. Considering that my 20th birthday was three months away when I was told this, it hit extremely close to home. I didn’t know where to begin to look. I ended up going to a Christian concert where the group who was performing supported a program that helped young women with any number of problems. The program appealed to be for two reasons, it was free and it was Christian. At that point in time in my life I considered myself a Christian. I applied to the program and was in it a month after my 20th birthday. This decision was difficult for me because, at that time they only had to homes, I could go to, one in Nashville, Tennessee and the other Monroe, Louisiana. I had not been so far from home or family. I ended up going to the Nashville home where I graduated in ten months. The average stay is six months. Granted it took me longer to graduate from the program than most of the other girls and women but it was well worth it. It was worth it because, I knew I made the first “real” adult decision in my life and it was a great decision at that. Graduating was the first victory, I felt like I accomplished myself and with out the help of my family.

As you can tell, the two above stories were walk-off home runs that were both victories that ultimately saved my life. I am grateful that, I was able to make these choices because, I wouldn’t have been able to be enjoying life and sharing it with you fine folks. Recovery is a choice and in both examples, I chose recovery.

Now that I told you about my back-against-the-wall victories, I best be going. Thanks for reading. Enjoy the rest of you Saturday. Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace Out!!

Volunteering On The Warm Line

Posted on by Gertie

As I am writing, I am finishing up a volunteer shift at the Warm Line. In fact, I wasn’t even on the schedule for tonight. It just so happened that I was hanging out with the mentor on duty tonight when she found out that we were short on volunteers. She asked me if I could volunteer tonight and I said I could.

In fact we are slow at the moment despite a busy start. I had a couple of difficult calls that involved people wanting to cut themselves or attempt suicide. I am grateful that I was able to help them come up with a safety plan. It is rare that we get those kind of calls. It is difficult to take those calls because I am able to relate to how they feel because I once felt like how they were feeling at the moment.

I think it is because I am able to relate how they feel that I am able to have empathy for them. Empathy is key to being a volunteer on the Warm Line as well as being employed in the mental health field. I love being able to be an example of recovery and offer hope to those who may need it.

Well, I need to get going. I need to help clean up and other stuff to end the night. Have a wonderful evening. Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace Out!!

Common Sense Training

Posted on by Gertie

If you regularly read my blog you know I am Consumer Advocate at a local mental health agency. What you may not be aware of is that the agency I work for requires all full time direct service staff go to monthly trainings. Me being part-time I technically don’t have to go however my new supervisor wants be to attend especially if it is a day I normally work. In all honesty, I am quite happy to attend the trainings even if it is a normal day off for me.

The problem I have is that the trainings that I have attended is that most of the trainings are common sense trainings, especially if you have a degree of some sort in the mental health field and/or have worked in the field for a while. For instance, todays training was on Trauma Informed Care. Don’t get me wrong, I am pleased I went to the training, its that I don’t understand why my employer puts on a training that seems like common sense and I don’t even have a college education. Yes, I have been through trauma and have been a client or consumer of the mental health system for most of my life and maybe its because of my experience that it seems like common sense. My co-workers who I directly work with even thinks its a common sense thing if you have the education and/or working in the field for a while. Maybe, I am just being too hard on my employer.

I am grateful for my job and the trainings I am able to attend through my employer as well as trainings I am able to attend through my volunteer jobs. Any training I am able to attend despite on common sense it may be, I am beyond thrilled to attend because it broadens my “education” and am able to stick it on my résumé.

Now that I have bored you with my complaining about the training I attended, I am going to end this particular for now. Have a good evening all. Peace Out!!!

Goals for the Week

Posted on by Gertie

As some of you know, as part of blogging 101 I joined a blogging event. The event I decided to be a part of focus’s on goals. I chose this event because it best corresponds on what my blog is about. So here are my goals for the week with explanation:

1) Write my sponsored child. I haven’t written her in a while and need to. I will most likely send her one of the many post cards I bought specifically to send to her.

2) Sign up for shifts at the young adult shelter I volunteer at. It has been three weeks since my last shift at the homeless shelter.

3) Start reading Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card I love to read and recently finished Enders Game by Orson Scott Card. One of my goals for 2015 is to read twelve books and so far I have only read one book.

4) Figure out what day I want to do my blogging feature. I hope that once I choose a day then I can start doing research for the blogging feature.

5) Work on cross-stitch for 15 minutes. I have taken up cross-stitching and yet to finish the particular piece I am currently working on.

6) Color. While on vacation, I bought be a coloring poster (about 8inch by 12inch) to color. It is a detailed poster and will take me a while. I hope to be able to share the finished product when I am done.

All of the my goals this week ultimately help me and my recovery. The goals I have chosen this week give me some relaxation, and a sense of giving back to my community and yes that help with my recovery.

Before I go the following link is the event I am a part of: http://greenembe.rs/2015/07/27/building-rome-week-30-for-2015/ Have a great day everyone. I hope you all have a great work week. I know I am. Peace Out!!!

Back To Reality

Posted on by Gertie

I am going to try to keep this particular post a short one. It is now back to reality. The reality of having to get back to the swing of things, now that my vacation is over with. I am fairly close to being done with unpacking. Yes, I do have some laundry to do but it can wait a couple of days.

I am looking forward to going back to work. I do have to say that going back to work at my current employment is a much different feeling than going back to work after a vacation at my previous employer. My previous employer I would be dreading going back to work. My current employer, I’m not dreading going back after a much needed vacation. Loving your job helps a great deal in the transition of going back to work after a vacation.

Junior and I are grateful to be home and be able to sleep in our own beds. We spent most of last night having some intense and pleasurable intimate moments. I am beyond blessed that I have a man who treats me right and does not hurt me. Junior and I our grateful for our intense love we have for each other.

Before I end this post for now, I have to say that I am a little jealous of Junior right now. He doesn’t have to be back to work to Wednesday. He deserves the extra few days off. He doesn’t have the easiest of jobs. He is a firefighter. Well, I should get going and make dinner. Have a wonderful week everyone. Peace Out!!!

A Well Deserved Get A-Way

Posted on by Gertie

There is nothing like coming home from a well deserved vacation. A vacation that needed to be taken. I love my job with a passion but I needed to a break.

I just didn’t need a break from my much loved job but the city. City life can get to a person if you don’t get away every now and then especially if you live near a highly traveled freeway. I am a city girl to the core but even this city girl needs to get away from time to time.

I went to go see my brother in the town that he lives in. While visiting my brother, I did spend some time with my mom. My mom surprisingly respected most of my boundaries. The time I spent with my brother was nothing but fun. My brother, fiancé and myself went to the fair (or carnival) that was being held. We had a blast. Junior and my brother won five gigantic stuffed animals from the carnival games. My brother gave me one of the stuffed animals that he one and the other to our mom. Junior gave me one as well as giving my brother one of three he won and gave the third to my mom. The three of us (my brother, Junior and myself) went to the movies. We saw Antman. I highly suggest you all go see it even if you don’t like comic books or comic book type movies.

After spending a few days with my brother, Junior and myself went to a small town in Oregon that is located on the Columbia River to visit my grandparents. My grandparents own a river front home. Junior and myself did some fishing. Junior caught some salmon and he grilled for dinner one night. It was yummy. Junior and I also swam a lot in the Columbia River while visiting my grandparents. We also helped my grandparents out around the house. We painted the outside of their house, mowed their lawn and fixed a few things that needed to be fixed. It was nice being about help my grandparents out with things around their house. It was also nice to be able to relax while at my grandparents. With all the fishing and swimming I did I got a sunburn and I know that my dermatologist wont be happy with that. I put sunblock on every two hours. My grandparents were and are grateful that we helped about the house. We got all the house stuff done in less that two days and enjoy the rest of our stay at my grandparents.

Now that I am home I am happy to be here. Cant wait to sleep in my own bed. I best be going. Have a great Saturday evening!! Peace Out!!