Tag Archives: Sleep

Still No Sleep for Me

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World from my corner of the world known as Seattle, Washington. Tonight I am on crisis coverage for work but thankfully, most if not all the calls happened earlier in the evening as well as earlier in the middle of the night. It is still the middle of the night here in Seattle and I am unable to sleep. If I can get to sleep it’s a light sleep or a sleep that wakes me up from a nightmare where I am crying, paralyzed from the body memories and scared shitless.

Honestly, part of me is glad I am on crisis coverage tonight for work but I am also thrilled that the calls have subsided a lot so I can refocus. Now lets hope I am not sticking my foot in my mouth and I get a shit ton of calls from clients and/or social workers from hospitals.

On a good note that is not too surprising Billie has been keeping company and giving me his undivided attention and of course his unconditional love. I love my Billie so very much and how he knows when I need the extra attention and love even when I can tell when he would rather have his own space. My cat truly knows how to take care of me and I hope he knows how much I truly love him. He is my best friend and yes animals can be best friends.

Speaking of friends, a friend introduced me to Diamond Art after she finished a piece for a mutual friend of ours. So, I ordered a bunch for myself and honestly got really frustrated and throughout the first two I started and gave up. Part of the reason is that I didn’t read the instructions and did not ask my friend questions. So, for the last week or so I have read the instructions and have been doing diamond art. I am finding it fun, frustrating, time consuming and a lot of progress. Which I can all correlate to not just my recovery but the recovery of other people. So, I decided to thank my friend tonight in the middle of the night on social media, specifically Facebook. My friend responded back asking if I would want to meet in the community room of our apartment building for a short while so she could give me some pointers on diamond art. I learned a lot from the education my friend gave me about Diamond Art. I love learning new things especially when it comes to creativity. I am great that this neighbor has become a great friend. After spending an hour together we came back upstairs to our own apartments.

When I got back to my apartment I was and am still feeling like harm by hitting a brick wall but I will not act on the urges of self harm especially since I am about to do a mindfulness meditation practice with my cat Billie in my lap as I do it through the Calm App.

On that note, I am going to hopefully get some sort of sleep after I am done writing this particular blog post. I don’t have much more to say except I am tired a fucking hell. I also want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Not the Best Night for Sleep for Me

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World from Seattle. It is the middle of the night here in Seattle, Washington and I have not received much sleep tonight. Partly because I am on crisis coverage for work on the team I work on. There have been a handful of clients calling in crisis needing to talk and I totally understand. Life can and is challenging at times.

In fact life is challenging for me at the moment due to me dealing with my own type of crisis due to a recent trauma which is the other part of why I am unable to sleep. I am unable to sleep due to insomnia as well as PTSD symptoms such as nightmares which doesn’t help my depression whatsoever.

On that note since I have not been able to sleep due to being on crisis coverage or dealing with my own shit, I have been doing quite a bit. Lets start with the obvious of me spending time with my kitty cat, Billie. Not only do I love Billie but Billie provides unconditional love as well as helps me with mindfulness meditation practices.

Not only does Billie help me with mindfulness meditation practice, Billie also reminds me to do mindfulness meditation practice with the Calm App. I do several mindfulness meditations with the Calm App as well as with Billie and other ways I have learned to do mindfulness meditation practice.

Besides doing mindfulness meditation practices, I have been doing some art as well as some crafts. I have been doing art work by coloring as well as diamond art. The crafts I have been doing happen to be latch hook and cross stitching. Both diamond art and latch hook, I am finally sort of kind of getting the hang of it. I am really enjoying being able to do various types of arts and crafts.

I am also learning something else besides new types of arts and crafts. I am learning about Tarot and Tarot Cards by reading about it in a couple of books. Specifically books for beginners. I also have three sets of Tarot Cards as well as a Tarot Workbook. I also have three or four Tarot Card journals to put in my Tarot Card readings; specifically on myself and once I get comfortable with other people’s readings.

Since I mentioned journals and workbooks I got a couple of new journals I will start writing in. One of which will help me get myself out of my comfort zone. I also have several recovery workbooks, that I have had over the years and have never started and/or finished. So, It is my plan to not just work on the journal stuff along with the tarot stuff but the recovery workbook stuff as I feel like most everything I have mentioned has and will help me with my recovery. That includes working yesterday as well as being crisis coverage till eight in the morning Seattle time today (Monday).

Good thing I don’t have to work later today (Monday) like I normally do but I had three doctors appointments that were all sadly cancelled last Thursday and Friday. I do have a “fourth” appointment which is a follow up appointment due to a recent emergency room visit from self harming myself by hitting a brick wall. My hand still hurts like hell and the bruise is nastier than hell but at least the swelling is going down.

I do not have much more to discuss in this particular blog post. I am sorry it is such a long post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great Monday ahead as I have the day off even though I am going to see my doctor. Peace Out, World!!!

A Bit Of A Set Back

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World from Seattle in the middle of the night. I am tired as hell because I have been in the emergency room due to self harm. I punched a brick wall in the emergency stair well of my apartment building. Thankfully, nothing is broken and my hand is just extremely bruised and swollen. I am now home from the emergency room. I am NOT suicidal nor was I when I was self harmed. The doctors and the social worker were cool and supportive as well as appeared to understand why I self harmed. I self harmed because the PTSD symptoms from the recent sexual assault were bad which triggered other PTSD symptoms from other traumas I experienced throughout my life. I did a safety plan with the doctors and social worker.

Now that I am home and not at all ready to go to bed despite being tired I plan on doing my safety plan. I of course spent time with my cat, Billie who is currently curled up in my lap purring as I think he is happy for me to be home. In fact my hand is hurting as I type this blog but I can deal with it especially since I received some powerful pain medicine. Plus, my cat, Billie is helping me not focus on the pain.

I think if I can tolerate the pain in my hand, I will try to do some art work. Specifically, I will color. I will also attempt to do some diamond art as well. Not only that I will do some dot to dots if my pain doesn’t get too bad. It’s cool that they have adult dot to dots.

I think I will also attempt to do some crafts. One craft I will attempt to do but might not be able to do so if my hand hurts too badly is cross stitching. I love to cross stitch. Another craft I can do and learning how to do it is latch hook. I don’t really need to use my bad hand to latch hook.

Of course I will be listening to music if I am doing any art work or crafting. Music helps me be creative and also helps me deal with my emotions.

If crafting or art work is something that I cannot do due to my self harm injury of punching a brick wall I can always read. Reading helps me refocus if I am reading non fiction and it also helps me get out of my own reality if I am reading fiction.

I of course will be getting some sleep tonight. I just don’t know when at the moment. Due to the current lack of sleep, I did text and email my supervisors that I will not be into work later today. I am sure they won’t be too happy about it but the doctors and social worker think I should let my hand heal a little bit especially since Thursdays are my Fridays and my weekends are Fridays and Saturdays. I love my job and wish I could go to work later today but since part of my job is writing (typing) notes, it is best to give my hand a rest even though I am typing this blog post.

Before I go to sleep I plan on doing a mindfulness meditation with the Calm App. The Calm App is amazing and I appreciate being able to use it to help me with my everyday life as well as my recovery with my mental health challenges.

I do not have much more to say in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Mixtures of Emotions of Not Going to Work Today

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World from Seattle!!! Right now I am having some mixed emotions about not going to work today as I don’t start work till 12:00noon on Mondays and it is 2:22pm in the afternoon. I didn’t go to work due to vomiting most of last night which is most likely due to food poisoning. Not only my depression and PTSD is severely acting up. Going to work when my mental health challenges are acting up seems to help when I am at work as I am not focusing on my own shit. I love my job and love helping the clients I serve as well as helping out my colleagues.

To catch you up from my last blog post, I ended up doing a mindfulness meditation with the Calm App with my cat Billie, on my lap purring. I think he gets as much of the Calm App as I do. I am grateful that Billie, my cat joins me with my mindfulness meditation with the Calm App a good eighty percent of the time. In fact even when I don’t do the Calm App, I still am able to do mindfulness meditation with Billie my cat when he lays on my lap and purrs. It’s amazing how both the Calm App and my cat, Billie help me with my mindfulness meditation practices.

After doing mindfulness meditation practices, I ended up going back to sleep since I woke up pretty early and vomited most of the night. I must have needed the sleep as I think I still need the sleep because I am still tired as hell. I think the lack of sleep was a combination of vomiting most of the night as well as insomnia and PTSD symptoms related to the most recent trauma I experienced as well as other past traumas I experienced in the past as child and young adult.

So, enough about other boring crap and back to more boring shit. When I woke up from a nap, I decided to make sure I ate some lunch. As I tend to not eat due to trauma related shit as well as being depressed. I really think the PTSD and trauma is what is causing the depression symptoms which highly sucks shit. After eating, I took a shower which helped me feel slightly better but not better enough to feel like going to work would be helpful for me, my clients or my colleagues.

As much as I wish I felt well enough to go to work as it could be helpful but I am partially happy that I didn’t go. My plan for today is to do some arts and crafts while listening to music. One of the art projects I plan on doing is coloring and of course while listening to music. Another art project I will attempt to do is Diamond Art while listening to music. I am also planning on doing craft projects that include Latch Hook and Cross Stitch. Of course music will be playing in the background.

In fact everything, I am doing today is a part of my DBT Skills. DBT skills help me a great deal when I don’t sleep well as well as when my PTSD, Trauma issues and Depression happens to be acting up. I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t struggling with self harm because I am. That is why I am planning on doing everything I mention in this particular blog post but will not self harm.

I don’t have much more to discuss in this particular blog post except that spending time with my cat Billie, doing mindfulness meditation practices and being creative will be quite helpful for me. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Too Early To Be Up

Posted on by Gertie

Good very early Monday morning, World! I sadly have to work today but at least I do not have to be at work till twelve noon, pm. So, my plan to get back to sleep is not only to read a book that I am really enjoying reading. I am looking forward to how it ends.

I will also do some artwork by coloring. In fact I will be coloring as I listen to music. I really enjoy coloring and doing artwork especially when listening to music.

I should get going as I need to relax so I can get back to sleep so I cannot be a cranky bucket at work. I hope everyone has a great work week. Peace Out, World!!!

Too Tired to Sleep & It’s Only 1:49pm Seattle Time

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World. I haven’t had the best sleep most of last night and all day today. Despite how I attempted to sleep last night for a good night of sleep as well as getting a good nap today, I was unable to do so. It sucks shit that I am so sleepy especially when I am trying to do various things to relax enough to get some sort of sleep.

One of the things that I had done on several occasions is doing mindfulness meditation practices which helps a great deal especially when I am so tired as well as being so anxious. I am so grateful for mindfulness meditation through the Calm App.

Something else I did was going to go to the Farmers Market in my neighborhood. In fact I took a friend with me to hang out with this friend. I wanted to treat her to an awesome food known as a breakfast sandwich. She agrees it’s the best breakfast sandwich she has ever had. Even though I go to this farmers market every Saturday, my friend and I are going to attend together twice a month.

After parting ways with my friend from the farmers market, I came home to spend time with my cat, Billie asI am listening to music. Specifically, I am listening to my Childhood Playlist music on Spotify. In fact it is over 16 hours long and close to 175 songs.

Speaking of music I am planning on listening to music as I do some arts and crafts. I plan on doing some art work via coloring. Coloring helps me keep myself grounded. The crafts I am planning on doing is cross stitching. That is if my cat Billie doesn’t want to play with the string. I am also going to attempt to teach myself how to Latch Hook. I am doing my best to teach myself to teach myself to Latch Hook but I am finding somewhat interesting and relaxing.

Due to the lack of sleep, everything I have been doing today has been helping with the PTSD shit although it still pretty bad due to the lack of sleep.

I do not not have much more to say in the particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of my things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you not reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

A Rude Awakening Due to Multiple Building Fire Alarms Going off At the Same Time

Posted on by Gertie

Good extremely early Saturday morning to everyone. It appears that the fire alarms on my street and the street behind my street decided to go off all at the same time. As of right now, the fire department has no clue what is going on. All I know is that it is extremely loud with all the alarms going off as well as the sirens from the fire trucks and police cares. It does sucks it is just the entire block that the fire alarms are going off.

I am currently outside with my cat Billie, waiting for the all clear to go back to my apartment. Of course Billie is in his carrier sleeping away as I read a book to pass the time as I have no clue how long this is going to take. My cat, Billie seems to e content at the moment when I am anxious as fucking hell. At least I have a book to read when all the clear is given.

When I get back to my apartment, I plan on cuddling with my cat and listening to music as I do art work. Specifically I plan on coloring. My cat, listening to music and coloring helps me a great deal when I get triggered by fire alarms. Oh goody we have received the all clear to go back in our apartment buildings. Now, I can cuddle with my cat as I listen to music and color or cuddle with my cat and read. Hopefully, I can get back to sleep.

I don’t have much more to say in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog as if it wasn’t for you the reader reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. It is greatly appreciated from the end of things that you read on my blog. Again, thanks from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Too Early To Be Awaken on My Weekend

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! As I start this particular post it is exactly 3:45 in the blasted morning on a Friday morning in Seattle. A Friday that is considered my weekend as Friday’s and Saturdays are my weekend. It is too early to be up this early during my weekend and it sucks shit. I woke up due to the fact of an extreme nightmare that consisted of body memories that make it feel like not just the most recent trauma happened but past traumas happened all at the same time. Having nightmares that include body memories are not the easiest thing to deal with especially so early in the morning.

Sadly, my PTSD symptoms are increasing my depression symptoms. Increased depression means that I have to be more intuned with myself regarding self harm urges as well as making sure that I don’t become suicidal. Thankfully, I am currently not suicidal. Sadly, I do have some self harm urges but at least they are at a manageable level. A level where I can create my own safety plan without the help of others such as friends or my mental health treatment team with the exception of my beloved cat, Billie as Billie helps a great deal with my safety planning.

I think I will start my safety plan with some mindfulness meditation to help me get into a better head space to help me with the rest of my safety plan.

As of right now, I think I will work on some artwork. Specifically, the artwork I will be working on is some coloring. Coloring is a great way to help me relax and focus on something creative that will help me do something more challenging to do when I am currently in the head space that I am currently in especially when I listen to music as I color. Music and coloring appear to be helpful together for me to refocus. So, I am hoping that as I color and listen to music with my cat laying by my side I can get into the mindset of reading a novel I am reading.

The novel I am currently reading is The Sorority Murder by Allison Brennan. So, far it is keeping my attention especially when I am in an okay head space. I highly recommend the book. I am really enjoying this book and encourage you to read the book.

In all honesty I hope I can get back to sleep due to the insomnia that is caused by stupid ass PTSD symptoms and I really hope my safety plan will help with me falling back to sleep. At least I know my cat is quite helpful with helping me sleep.

I do not have much more to discuss in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog as if it was not for you my reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you read my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a good Friday ahead of them. Peace Out, World.

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It is Saturday evening and I am starting to do my weekly check-ins again. I just want to keep you the reader as engaged as possible. I know it sounds silly especially since I just talk about my boring life.

So, this week I went back to work after being gone for about a month due to medical reasons. Well technically I was on leave due to a trauma. A trauma that hit me to my core that sadly triggered some severe PTSD symptoms from past traumas. Traumas that I personally don’t really want to deal with especially things I thought I already dealt with.

Enough with discussing trauma and back to discussing work. Being back to work is a bit weird. I am happy to be back to work but it just feels weird. I love my job and am grateful to be back and only had to take my extra break once.

Part of my work week I spent two days at the Peer Pathways Conference. It was a huge growing experience for me. Hell, it was a growing experience for many in attendance for many folks who attended the conference this year. It was also great to meet in person again. I did have some sensory overload during the conference however I enjoyed myself.

I also had a session with my therapist which was hard but hard in a good way. My therapist is awesome and appreciated what she has to say. I also had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner. We of discussed meds and one of them was increased to help with my PTSD symptoms.

It wouldn’t be a weekly check-in without discussing my awesome cat, Billie. I love my cat and am grateful to have him in my life. It is hard to think about life without him. He is a very good and loving kitty.

I don’t have much more to say. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Plans

Posted on by Gertie

Sunday

  • Walk
  • Mindfulness Meditation
  • Work
  • Dinner with neighbors
  • Art (Color)
  • Spend time with my cat, Billie

Monday

  • Walk
  • Mindfulness Meditation
  • Art (color)
  • Work
  • Spend time with my cat Billie

Tuesday

  • Walk
  • Mindfulness Meditation
  • Work
  • Art (color)
  • Spend time with my cat, Billie

Wednesday

  • Walk
  • Mindfulness Meditation
  • Peer Pathways Conference
  • Art (color)
  • Spend time with my cat, Billie

Thursday

  • Walk
  • Mindfulness Meditation
  • Peer Pathways Confernce
  • Dinner with my grandpa to celebrate his birthday
  • Spend time with my cat, Billie
  • Art (color)

Friday

  • Walk
  • Mindfulness Meditation
  • Lunch with a good friend from high school
  • Appointment with my therapist
  • Appointment with my psychiatric nurse practitioner
  • Art (color)

Saturday

  • Walk
  • Mindfulness Meditation
  • Farmers Market
  • Art (color)