Tag Archives: Anxiety

Middle of the Night Struggles

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is one seventeen in the morning here in Seattle and I am struggling. I am struggling with the lack of sleep. The lack of sleep is due to insomnia and PTSD. The lack of sleep is also causing me to struggle more with my PTSD and some increased depression symptoms. Both the depression and PTSD is causing some anxiety and anger. Neither emotion is an emotion I like to deal with. Hell, I try my best to avoid both emotions.

On the note of emotions, I have been using the coping skills in the Emotional Regulation module of Dialectal Behavioral Therapy (DBT). These skills are very helpful for me especially right now. In fact, all the DBT skill in all four modules are helpful for me. As I do my DBT skills I remember that when I made an active choice to be in active mental health recovery it was when I decided to be in an intensive outpatient DBT program and that gives me hope that things will get better, and this too will pass.

I do not have anything else to discuss or share or to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Stormy Weather + Anxiety About Job Interview = Doing Diamond Painting

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is still quite stormy here in Seattle. May people have lost power. Thankfully, I have not lost power, and I hope I have not just jinxed myself. I hope I didn’t just jinx myself because I have a virtual job interview on Zoom. Having a virtual job interview on Zoom, one must have electricity and working internet. So, I am hoping that I don’t lose power because I really want to do this job interview as I really want this job, and this windy weather is causing me anxiety about not being able to do it.

To help combat the anxiety I am having regarding the job interview, I am planning to do some artwork. The type of artwork I am doing is diamond art/painting. The diamond art/painting that I am doing is the one with the tuxedo cat in a tree. I am glad I chose this particular diamond art/painting because it reminds me of my own tuxedo cat, Billie. I am also very happy that a neighbor introduced me to diamond art/painting. I really enjoy doing diamond art/painting.

I do not have anything else to discuss or write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

My 6th Post of the Day

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! The weather is still yucky here in Seattle. In fact, the weather is yuckier and worse than it was when I posted my last blog post. So much worse that my lights are flickering. So, let’s hope that my electricity does not go out.

Since I still have electricity, I am going try to write this post as quick as possible especially since my anxiety is high. My anxiety is high due to the fact that I have a job interview tomorrow. It is a peer position and a local level one trauma hospital that has a behavioral health agency. It is part time which is something that I need right now especially regarding my recovery and being able to go to therapy. I need to stay healthy mentally to be able to work in mental health.

Speaking of health, I am still feeling like shit with this stupid cold. It is getting slightly better, but it takes so freaking long to get one hundred percent better. The good news is at least I do not have Covid, and I am so happy about that. Having Covid sucks even more that a cold and I should know as I have had Covid. At least I am feeling somewhat better and that is all I can ask for.

I do not have anything else to discuss or write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated on my end of things that you the reader read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Anxiety Over Job Interview Tomorrow

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! In twenty-four hours from I will be in a job interview. I am having some anxiety over the job interview I am not sure why I am so anxious over it. I do not think I should be so anxious over this job interview as the program manager of the program I am interviewing with knows me. He was a supervisor at a previous employer which is an employer I succeeded at and no he was not my direct supervisor. I also do not think I should be nervous about the interview is because it is a part time job that will suits me great, and the team is only six-member team. Plus, it is at an employer I really would love to work at. Maybe the reason why I am so anxious about the job interview is because I really want the job.

I do not have anything else to discuss or write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is that time again, where I do my weekly check-in. Sadly, the symptoms of my PTSD and depression have been acting up. My anxiety is also acting up. The various symptoms of multiple mental health diagnoses rearing their ugly heads, I have to keep my emotions in check. One of the main emotions I have to keep in check is my anger. For me, I tend to stuff my anger till I do one of two things which are emotionally explode by screaming, yelling and cussing or I self harm. Thankfully, I have not self harmed in over a year. Since my anger has been an issue I know I need to work on, I have been discussing it with my therapist. I had an appointment with my therapist this past Wednesday. I informed her that I feel like my anger has an extremely short fuse. We discussed how the journaling about my anger is helping. We also discussed what I call going back to basics which are eating regularly, staying hydrated and sleeping well. We discussed how challenging the basics can be and how doing the basics can help lengthen the fuse. I am grateful for the practical suggestions as well as the out of the box suggestions my therapist gives to help me with my mental health recovery.

Besides going to therapy this past week, I went to Red Robin with some friends several times this week. I enjoy spending time with friends and I love Red Robin as Red Robin is my favorite restaurant. One of the times I went to Red Robin this week was due to the fact that it was one of my closest friends birthdays and wanted to celebrate her on her birthday. It is always good to spend time with friends and create happy memories at places like Red Robin.

I, of course spent time with my cat, Billie. I love my cat so much and he helps me with my emotions. He is my Emotional Support Animal (ESA) for a reason. I am so grateful that he is my life.

I do not have much else to write about or discuss in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Nightmares = No Sleep In Seattle

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is a few minutes after three o’clock in the morning here in Seattle. I am sadly unable to sleep partly due to insomnia and partly due PTSD. It took me forever and a day to fall asleep and sadly got woken up by a nightmare once I was asleep. Having insomnia and PTSD sucks shit.

I had a challenging time falling asleep due to insomnia as well as some pretty intense trauma responses from PTSD symptoms. I am pretty sure that the trauma response from PTSD symptoms was due to the fact of the family drama last night that I wrote about in my last post.

Since the lack of sleep and waking up from a nightmare due to PTSD symptoms, I realized that I was angry about it all so I ended up journaling. It appears that the journaling is about my anger is helpful for me. I am glad I am taking my therapist’s suggestion regarding writing down my anger as well as calling friends afterwards. In fact, I called one of my closest friends and talked to her at length. I then called my partner, Junior who came over to my place and we talked at great length about everything. I am beyond grateful for my close friend as well as my partner.

In fact Junior is going to stay the rest of the night here at my place to give me moral support. He is helping me color my gigantic giant coloring poster. As we colored my cat, Billie was in my lap. In fact Billie is still in my lap as I write this particular blog post. After I am done writing this particular blog post, I will continue coloring with Junior as my cat, Billie sleeps in my lap.

I do not have anything else to discuss or write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Family Drama + PTSD = A Sh!tty Trauma Response

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! I am currently dealing with some shitty and intense trauma response due to family drama and PTSD symptoms. I am pretty sure the family drama with my aunt is what caused the PTSD symptoms and ultimately the trauma response that I had.

This will be a long post due to it being a long story. As I have posted before, my mom died two days before Thanksgiving Day here in the United States. It’s been extremely challenging for me for many reasons. Sadly, I posted an angry and pain filled post on my Facebook wall under my given name which started some family drama. I apologized many times to many people in my life especially my family. I know I hurt many people and most understand and have forgiven me or at least started to forgive me in their own time and own way except one aunt. That one aunt is the person I offered to pay for their train ticket from Seattle to where my mom’s funeral is going to be which is Olympia at the end of this month. I offered to pay for her train ticket due to her having car issues as well as having some financial issues and wanted to be helpful. My aunt lives in the Bremerton area and could easily take the ferry from Bremerton to Seattle and take the train. So, I have to text back and forth with her a handful of times regarding tickets which leads to the drama this evening.

I texted my aunt about the train tickets close to 8:30 this evening Seattle time. She informed me that she doesn’t need me to pay for her tickets and is unsure if she is going to take the train if she does she will pay for her own. She also stated that she doesn’t respond to phone calls or text after 7:30 unless it is urgent. I texted an apology and let her know that I usually text people after 8:00 due to peoples bedtime routines and that I won’t do it again. She then texted me to next her again tonight which I wasn’t going to do nor will I do now that I know her boundaries. Anyway, this aunt then calls me up and screams at me and has mentioned every thing I have done wrong in her eyes that she heard through the “grapevine” or witnessed yet she hasn’t been in my life very much for various reasons. She brought up so painful shit that I experienced which caused some anger in me as well as an anxiety attack or two. I ended up hanging up on her and blocking her phone number temporarily for my own sanity.

Since my aunt caused so much anger I did what my therapist had suggested and wrote out my anger. I wrote my anger and anxiety in my journal I bought myself for Christmas. So, I wrote six pages in my journal regarding my anger and trauma response regarding my aunt calling and screaming at me. After journaling I reached out to some of my natural support system of friends like my therapist suggested in therapy. I reached out to two friends who were happy to talk with me and I am so grateful for their listening ear.

After journaling and talking with two friends I of course cuddled with my cat, Billie and as I am writing this particular blog post Billie my cat is still cuddling with me. I think after I am done with this particular blog post I will color as I love to color.

I know my mom wouldn’t want all this drama after her death or regarding her funeral. I just wish she was still alive. I miss my mom so very much. I hope she knew how much I loved her even though we didn’t get along at times.

I do not have much more to write about or discuss in this particular blog post except to say I am sorry for posting about my family drama and my anger. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is that time in the week that I do my weekly check-in. I know it has been a few weeks since I have done a weekly check-in and I hope you can forgive me for not doing one. I do not have an excuse for not doing one and I am not using the holidays as an excuse.

As all of you know this past week we had New Years Day. I watched the drone and firework show that was held at the Space Needle. I stayed home and watched on television so I didn’t have to be out in the cold with a bunch of strangers. I was at home in my pajamas with my cat, Billie bringing in the New Year watching an awesome firework and drone show that was at the Space Needle. I enjoyed it and I am grateful that I was at home with my cat, Billie.

New Years is also a time when people reflect on their lives and how they can change in a positive way. I do this throughout the year and New Years is just a good reminder to do that reflections are a good thing to improve myself.

One of the ways I am wanting to improve myself is to continue to go to therapy. In fact I went on Thursday for an appointment with my therapist. We discussed how I can deal with some uncomfortable emotions like anxiety and anger. We discussed how writing down my feelings can be helpful which reminded me to show her the journal I bought myself for Christmas. She liked the fact that I already had the idea of writing down my emotions as well as thinking that my journal is pretty. She also thinks that writing down my feelings especially my anger is a form of harm reduction. She thinks this due to the fact that I tend to stuff my anger and then emotionally explode by screaming and yelling when I’ve had the last straw when something makes me angry. So my therapist thinks writing when I am angry is a good thing and she suggested that afterwards to reach out to a trusted natural support person. I really like the idea of reaching out to a friend after writing about my anger.

I do not have anything else to discuss or write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader continuing to read my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Missing My Mom + Holiday Emotions

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It has been two weeks and one day since my mom died. It has been challenging dealing with all that goes with losing a parent especially this time of year as it is the holiday season. Dealing with my mom’s death is adding to the holiday anxiety I struggle with every year which sucks shit and is something I discussed with my therapist today.

In fact my therapist and I discussed a great deal about my emotions especially anxiety and anger as I struggle with both. I struggle with both anxiety and anger as I tend to stuff both of those emotions that end up leading me emotionally and verbally exploding or sadly self harming. I thankfully haven’t self harmed in over a year which is a good thing but sadly I have emotionally and verbally exploded which is not a good thing. We discussed various ways to let out my anxiety and anger especially my anger. In fact my therapist suggested a couple of things to deal with my anger that are a little silly but I think will be helpful. I am really appreciative of my therapist and I am so grateful for her as well as her help with my mental health recovery.

As much as I am appreciative of and grateful for my therapist, I am also extremely grateful for today’s weather here in Seattle as it was sunny. Granted it was chilly outside but I am so grateful for the sun and that it was not freezing or below freezing outside.

Not only am I grateful for today’s weather here in Seattle, I am also beyond grateful for my precious senior kitty, Billie. I love my cat so very much and I don’t know what my life would be like without my cat. The best part of having a cat or any pet is their unconditional love.

I do not have much more to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Anxiety of Tomorrow U.S Presidential Election

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! Tomorrow is Election Day here in the United States and sadly we are an extremely divided country. Many people across the nation have strong emotions and opinions about the person they are voting for and sadly have a strong dislike for people voting for the other person. I am unable to comprehend why people highly dislike other people just because of their politics.

The election tomorrow is causing myself and many other Americans some extreme anxiety. I am concerned about what could happen if the person I am not voting for wins and am scared to death what the other person’s voters will do if the person I am voting for wins. There is nothing I can really do at this moment except to use some skills to help with the election anxiety that I am dealing with. Let’s hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow and the days following.

I do not have much more to discuss in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it wasn’t for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!