Tag Archives: Anxiety

Just Check In Post

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! As many of you know is that today is the first day of winter in the Northern Hemisphere. This means it is the shortest day of the year which is never a good thing for me when it comes to the symptoms of my mental health challenges especially the depression. Despite it being a not so good day for the symptoms of my mental health challenges, I have created ways to make it a good day.

First and fore most, I am looking forward to spending the first day of Yule with my friends this evening. I love spending time with friends anytime of the year especially when it comes to celebrating them or their beliefs. I do have to mention that I am having anxiety over this get together and I am unsure why. I have done this get together with these friends for several years now. Granted, I may have anxiety over this get together for some unknown reason but I am really looking forward to spending the first day of Yule with my friends.

It appears that life is throwing me a wrench at the moment with increased anxiety, depression and PTSD symptoms. Symptoms that come when it is the most inconvenient of times but then again there is no convenient time for symptoms to surface. I did email my therapist about the increase of symptoms and that I am not in need of a check in at the moment. I emailed him just to make him aware of what was going on so if I need a check in, he is not surprised.

Before I end this post, I want to remind you my reader about the ads on my blog. I have ads on my blog to earn extra money. The only way I make the money is if you my reader click on to the ads. I am hoping that you my reader can click on the ads so I can earn a few extra cents to dollars. I am hoping that enough people click on the ads so I can get paid the money. The only way they pay out the money is if you reach one hundred dollars and if you don’t reach out one hundred dollars the money just sits there until you collect enough money that reaches one hundred dollars. I hope that you all can do me this favor. I need about twenty dollars to reach one hundred dollars to collect it. So I beg you to click on the ads so I can reach the one hundred dollars.

Thank you for reading my blog and I apologize for begging you to click on the ads. Once I reach one hundred dollars is the moments I turn off the ads on my blog. Again thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a great Friday and awesome Winter Solstice. Blessed Yule to everyone who celebrates Yule. I hope everyone also has an awesome weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Sunday Evening Randomness

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is Sunday evening and I don’t think I will have much to say in this post like I did in my last post. So, lets start with the work thing, I talked a great deal about in my last post. I ended up turning off my phone and took a nap. I really needed the nap as I didn’t get much sleep last night. Well, anyway, when I woke up from my nap I turned on my phone and sent the person who asked me to work for her a text as well as our boss. My boss texted me back saying it was no big deal and he understood that sometimes people activities required the phone to be turned off. But I didn’t receive a text back from the person asking for coverage which okay with me.

Well, tomorrow I am going to the person who does dentures to get a molding of my what little teeth I have left and they will refer me to a dentist that will pull my teeth out as the oral surgeon that was suppose to do it kept cancelling on me for various reason so the person who is going to do my dentures will refer me to someone who will pull my teeth. I am not looking forward to it but at least all I am getting tomorrow is the impressions of what little teeth I have left in my mouth.

I am still dealing with anxiety, depression and PTSD symptoms. Unfortunately, it appears the symptoms are starting to increase which isn’t a surprise to me but it is worrisome as I have been doing really well and improving greatly. I also know that the grief is setting in a little bit more as Christmas is in about nine days and it is the first holiday without my grandma. So with the increased in symptoms and the grief, I am striving to just maintain the next two to three months because of the holidays this month, my grandma’s birthday is next month in January and well my grandma passed away on Valentines Day which is February. So as much as I want to continue to improve and hope I do; all I can expect from myself is to be able to maintain how I am doing currently.

I do not have much else to say. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their Sunday or what is left of it. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone’s work week goes well. Peace Out, World!!!

Sunday Randomness & Work Bullsh*t

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! It is a nice a lazy day with a bit of anxiety that I can deal with at the moment. I, of course of my typical anxiety that I deal with on the daily basis however I received a text from someone at work to see if I could work for her tonight. I always get right back to here saying whether or not I am able to work for her but I am not going to respond to her text for a two or three hours as it is her shifts I ended up covering. In fact all but one of the shifts I have covered were for her so I figure she can wait a few hours for me to respond. I am planing on informing her that I can not work for her tonight. I know I should tell her sooner than later but when I tell her my excuse, I want it to be more believable. I am not going to be lying to her as when I received her text I was busy at the time and have thing planned to do today but it is the type of plans that I can rearrange to go to work but my colleague doesn’t need to know that. I won’t be lying to her when I tell her, “sorry, I just saw your full text. I have been busy all day and am unable to work tonight.”  So, I’m not lying as I haven’t read her full text till I reply to her text. I am just frustrated that she is the one I have filled for every time except once. If I get into trouble for not responding to her text soon enough or covering shift then I will accept the consequences. Technically, on calls are suppose to cover at least one shift a month and I have had a handful of opportunities to do so this month but haven’t wanted to various reasons. Considering the other on call person hasn’t done a shift in months I don’t think I have anything to worry about in regards to getting fired but if I do get let go for that reason I will be disappointed but grateful at the same time. Don’t get me wrong I like my job for the most part. I just don’t like being on call and the irregular hours as it messes with my sleep. If I had a regular shift even if it is a night shift I would have a better sleep pattern.

So, since being on call for a night shift isn’t the right fit for me, I have been looking for other jobs. Even jobs I have had before and really didn’t like. I have considered going back to working at grocery store because at least they would be able to respect my accommodations I need for my disability. I am applying to various places and will only apply at a grocery store as last resort. I really want to become Peer Specialist again. I have been applying for various positions in the mental health field including administrative assistant and janitorial jobs at mental health agencies as once you have a foot in the door, you’re more likely to get hired within the agency.

It is the holiday season and Christmas is nine days away. I can’t help but think how difficult this Christmas is going to be for my family as it is the first holiday season without my grandma. Grief is hard no matter what but it seems more difficult the first year without the person who is gone. I hope all goes well over Christmas and that my family is able to handle it.

I just received another text from the colleague wanting me to cover her shift for her. So I turned off my phone. That way I can say that my phone was off and I didn’t receive her text or if she calls then it will go straight to voicemail. I know I should respond but I don’t want to come up with some lie. I just want to tell her that when she texted me I was unavailable and now that I read them I am unable to work.  Granted I have only read part of the text but not the full text as if I open the text then she will know it was delivered. I just don’t want to work tonight. I know I should just say I am unable to work but she is the type of person that will pressure you into working.

Now back to the grieving process of missing my grandma. I think that is part of the reason why I don’t want to work tonight. Plus, my depression and anxiety is acting up at the moment. Some of my anxiety is work related at the moment but the other part of my anxiety is PTSD related which sucks. It being winter and Christmas time my mental health symptoms tend to get worse due to past traumas, weather and shorter days. I really dislike grief, depression, anxiety and PTSD.

I think I will try to get some sleep since I didn’t sleep well last night. A nap will do me some good and then maybe I can come up with an excuse that is not a lie to my work colleague. I am turning off my phone as a precaution, just in case she or our supervisor attempts to call so it will go straight to voicemail. I informed my grandpa about it and his said “just lie saying you were taking care of me” but I don’t want to lie. I just want to say something like “I just got your text and was unavailable to respond and am unable to work tonight since I just saw the text. I am sorry for the short notice. I hope you understand” and hopefully she buys it. I did read some but not all of the message as I didn’t open the full text message so I am not exactly lying but it feel like a lie in a way even though I have been busy doing other things. An idea I have is to say I am unable to work tonight due to my disability acting up which is true or I have migraine which is also true. So when I do respond later I will most likely tell her that I’ve either been busy or been dealing with a migraine and won’t use the disability until I absolutely need to and using my disability in this case in not an absolute need to.

I think I really need to focus on making sure the symptoms of my depression, anxiety and PTSD don’t increase because I want today to continue to be another lazy Sunday. I love dealing with lazy Sundays and that is what I am gong to do despite the anxiety of not responding to colleague about working for her tonight. I will let it be a lazy Sunday and respond to her later. So here is to an enjoyable lazy Sunday despite others needs, increased mental health symptoms, grief and the expectations that Christmas brings.

Now, I am going to end this post so I can go take a nap. Thank for reading my blog. I hope you continue to read my blog and I will NOT lie to my colleague as I have been busy and have been dealing with a migraine. Not sure which truth I am going to tell her but I will text her later on. Again thank you for reading. Have a wonderful Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

The Evening Before Thanksgiving

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! Long time not blog. I can give you plenty of reasons why I haven’t posted in a while as well as plenty of excuses and have decided I won’t bore you with them. I’ll just go straight into what I am going to post about.

The last few weeks have been filled with anxiety. They have been filled with anxiety because my therapist was out of the office for three weeks due to health problems and finally came back this past Monday (11/19/2018). He still still didn’t look like he was feeling all that well when I saw him yesterday (Tuesday). But at least I was able to see him for a session without seeing him in almost a month. I had an extreme case of anxiety that my therapist wouldn’t becoming back due to health reason after what happened with Diana. Even though my therapist is back only part time due to his health issues, I am glad he is feeling well enough to be back. I just wish he was feeling back to his normal. But at least I will be seeing him weekly just as long as his doctors continue to say it is okay for him to work.

Another thing that has been causing me a great deal of stress for me is that my psychiatric nurse practitioner kept canceling on me due to a family emergency and a death in the family and I had ran out of refills for meds. But thankfully she refilled them before leaving to go to the funeral. I was finally able to see her last Thursday (November 15, 2018). She upped my new sleeping med and even with the increased, it still isn’t helping me fall asleep as quickly as I would like. At least the Melatonin appears to be helping me stay asleep.

Something else that I am not sure I have  mentioned but my regular doctor has been seeing me every two weeks as a precautionary thing to help me stay out of the Emergency Room (E.R) for both physical and mental health reasons. It appears to be helping. In my opinion it has been quite helpful.

Unfortunately, I did end up in the E.R last Wednesday (11/14/2018) due to an abscessed tooth. Thankfully, they were able to get the Dental Resident over from the Dental school to take care of the tooth and pull it. I am now on antibiotics for three weeks due to the severity of the infection.

On that note, I have been dealing with anxiety regarding the upcoming holidays. It is not just the anxiety I am dealing with in regards to the holidays, I have been dealing with the grief of this being the first holiday season without my grandma. I just wish the anxiety wasn’t so bad especially with the added grief. The one thing that has been quite helpful with the anxiety is my cat. She has been laying on my chest as I sit in my chair when I am high anxiety. She does this to help me focus on my breath. I find it quite helpful that she does this even though it hurts my boobs.

Well, I don’t have much more to say. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope that I can post more often and not let things get in the way. Again, thank you so very much for reading my post. If I don’t post tomorrow, I want to wish everyone in the United States a very Happy Thanksgiving. Peace Out, World!!!

The Sh*t That Is On My Mind

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a few days since I last posted. I have attempted to post but hit road blocks and writers block along the way. So today, I am saying fuck it to both the road blocks and writers block and just write what I am thinking at the moment. Yes, it is a scary thought. Yes, I will be writing what I am exactly at the moment. Yes, it might not make sense.

Right now I am dealing with some fucking anger. Anger over the mass shooting in California. Why in the hell is this shit still fucking happening? Why is the media blaming mental health challenges, yet again on the mass shooting? Why are people on social media sites doing the same thing? Seriously, people who have a mental health challenge are more likely to be the victim of a violent crime than a perpetrator of one. Why can’t mainstream media share that?

Okay, if you are a regular reader, you know I live in Seattle, Washington. Anyway a couple of initiatives recently passed here in Washington. One was for better gun control. I personally had mixed feelings on this initiative because of possible HIPPA violations. I would have voted for it if it weren’t for the HIPPA violations. I am all for common sense gun control but when it violates a persons medical privacy then its an issue for me. Another initiative  that passed and I voted for is better and more training for police officers in regards to people who are in a mental health crisis. I don’t understand why people have an issue over more training for police officers. Hell, I personally think any type of training for any career is a good thing.

I am having some high anxiety right now. I haven’t had therapy last week or this week due to my therapist being out sick. I can’t help but think this is going to be another repeat of what happened when Diana left unexpectedly two years ago due to a cancer diagnosis. I feel like I am have very similar conversations with the on call clinicians that I had two years ago as I “have no evidence” that my therapist wont be coming back which is true but when its happened before you tend to worry and be anxious about such things. I just don’t need another change in my mental health care. I hope my therapist gets better and does come back but I’m not holding my breath at the moment. I don’t think the clinicians I’ve talked to over the last two week really understand the fear I am having right now especially with having a new job and the holidays coming up.

Thanks for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a great weekend ahead. I am grateful for each one of you who read my blog. Again, thank you for reading. Have a wonderful evening as well as a good weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

Getting Ready For First Solo Shift

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I attempted to say awake as long as I could last night so I could sleep a good portion of today.  I went to bed at about three o’clock in the morning and got up when my alarm clock went off at five o’clock this evening.

To tell you the truth I am having some anxiety over my first solo shift. I know that there will be other staff around at the shelter downstairs however I am still having some anxiety over it. This time around I won’t have the luxury of being able to take a nap like I was able to do during my shadowing shifts. Yup, that means I have be awake for the entire twelve hours and hope I am able to make it.

I must admit I am still a little sleepy even thought I slept pretty well. At least I got a good days sleep. I just hope my shift goes by fast and not so slowly. I am bringing things to do when things get slow tonight. I am planning on bringing some art work. Actually, the art I am taking happens to be coloring supplies. I am also taking the fantasy I picked back up and didn’t finish so it is my goal to read a few or so chapters tonight. I also hope I can have time to blog during my shift if I am able to do so.

I think I should finish up this post as I need to finish getting reading for work.  If I don’t blog sometime tonight during my shift I will blog tomorrow about how my shift went. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. You my reader are all awesome. Peace Out, World!!!

Thinking Of Ways To Stay Awake

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, once again, World!!! I am extremely tired and am more than reading to go to bed and most likely will be able to fall right to sleep however I am trying to stay awake as I work a twelve hour night shift for Thursday night into Friday morning. Right now it is 1:30 in the morning and it is officially Thursday morning. Late night television is done for the night and now I have to figure out ways to stay awake so I can sleep during the day.

I think after I am done posting this blog, I will take a shower as it will help me wake up. Taking a nice long shower helps me relax as well as wake me up. So I think that is what I am going to do after I am done posting.

After taking a shower, I am most likely going to be doing some binge watching some television. Not sure what television shows I will be watching but I know I will be binge watching some form of television show.

As I binge watch some form of television show I will do some art work. Actually, I most likely will be coloring as it is something that can be done with watching television. Coloring and binge watching television is quite helpful with keeping me awake.

Needing to stay awake all night to sleep during the day so I can stay awake for a twelve hour night shift is difficult at first. But I am sure once I get a regular schedule it won’t be as difficult. As difficult as it is to stay awake so I can sleep during the day so I can stay awake at work, my boss is appears to be quite supportive. He stated that if I needed help staying awake during my shift Thursday night into Friday morning, I could call him and he will help me stay awake. But I feel like doing what I am doing is the best way to stay awake for my shift for Thursday night into Friday morning. It is my first shift by myself.

My therapist informed me that when I get off on Friday morning, that I could call him to check in with him. He also stated that if I am not too busy sleeping during the day on Thursday that I could call him to check in about my anxiety regarding my first shift by myself.

I want to thank you for reading my blog and putting up with all the post tonight. I hope that the shower I take helps keep me awake so I can do some binge watching television as well as some coloring. Again, thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I am grateful for each one of you. If it was not for you my reader, my blog would not exist. I hope that if it is night time where you live that you are having a good night sleep. If it is not night time where you are, I hope that you have a good day. Again thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

It Has Been Five Months

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night which is quite annoying. As annoying as it is to be sleepless in Seattle, today is good and happy day. It is good and happy day because today marks the five month anniversary of me adopting my cat, Lil Gertie. She is an emotional support animal and is extremely intuitive to my emotional needs.

It has been a blessing to have Lil Gertie in my life and am more than pleased that i was able to give Lil Gertie a forever home. Lil Gertie has been in-tuned with my emotional needs since day one but as time goes on, she is becoming more intuitive to my needs especially when it comes to my Anxiety and PTSD symptoms.

Lil Gertie sure loves her wet food. She always begs for it at the same time everyday even though she has dry food available to her 24 hours day. She is not afraid to wake me up when she thinks it is time to be fed her wet cat food. She is one spoiled little cat. Lil Gertie, knows she is queen bee of the house hold. I am really happy that I was able to give Lil Gertie a forever home. She is an amazing little cat and very calm except for when it comes to fireworks and the fire alarm.

Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things for you reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great Saturday. Peace Out World!!!

Frustrating Night

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World. It is just after two in the morning in my corner of the world. My anxiety and PTSD are acting up big time because the building fire alarm went off once again. And once again I had to get Lil Gertie, my cat, into her carrier to evacuate the building. Only this time it was not a false alarm nor a malfunction. Someone’s apartment caught on fire due to the person falling asleep with a cigarette. Thankfully everyone got out safely and uninjured.

Now that I am back in my apartment, the first thing I did was calm down Lil Gertie as the alarm freaks her out. Now that she is calmed down I am reading a fantasy book. I am enjoying the book so far. I am only on the second chapter. I will tell you more about it in a later post.

Now, I think I am going go back to bed and attempt to sleep. I hope everyone has good night sleep. Good night and peace out world!!!

Still Sleepless In Seattle

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! Yes, it is still morning in my neck of the world. It is now 7:15 in the morning in Seattle and I still haven’t been to sleep even though I have tried many times and many ways.

As I mentioned in my last post, I used meditation and mindfulness practices as well as meds. I did take an extra dose of both my anxiety meds and sleeping meds with permission from the doctor on call yet it didn’t help. I also attempted to watch television that is know for it’s comedy and humor which helps a good portion of the time but this time it didn’t help like I was wanting it to.

So, what I decided to do next was to spend time with my cat as she is quite helpful with helping me with my PTSD and anxiety and she helped a great deal. She is now sleeping next to me in my chair as I write this post.

Another thing I have been doing is hopes to help me sleep is reading. I have been reading comic books. Specifically, I have been reading Wonder Woman comic books as Wonder Woman gives me sense of strength to do what I need to do. Yes, I know I am getting strength from a fictional character but if it helps me with whatever I am going through which on this moment is attempting trying to get to sleep then I’ll use it.

So, as I say good morning (and goodnight again) I hope you all have a good day. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. Have an awesome day. Peace out, world!!!