Tag Archives: Books

Pondering on What the Hell to Do

Posted on by Gertie

I WILL BE DISCUSSING MY CURRENT STATE OF MIND IN THIS POST. I CAN REASSURE YOU THAT I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR HARM MYSELF IN ANYWAY. I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT I AM CURRENTLY GOING THROUGH AND DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO WORRY!!!

Right now it is six o’clock Monday morning in my corner of the world and I have not slept for three nights now. I am extremely tired and just wish I could get some sleep. I honestly think that the lack of sleep is what’s causing the symptoms of my mental health diagnosis to have increased in a negative way.

I am a good ninety nine percent sure that due to the lack of sleep is what is causing me to be in a slight case of crisis. A crisis I do not want to be in. Right now I have extremely high urges to self harm and am slightly suicidal. I WILL NOT ATTEMPT SUICIDE NOR WILL I HARM MYSELF. Since I am feeling the way I am feeling I called the after hours crisis line that the agency I go to as a client, has. I did a safety plan with the crisis clinician and one of the things on that safety plan was to blog and well that is what I am doing now. The crisis clinician and myself came up with a long enough list for me to do till the agency opens up at eight o’clock in the morning. We did this in hopes that I can get myself to the agency to see my therapist or the clinician who is the on-call crisis clinician for the day. The reason for this is so if I need to be hospitalized the people on the team I am client of will be better familiar with the situation. I honestly don’t like the fact I could be hospitalized but if it keeps me safe from doing any harm to myself then I am willing to go.

Since my last post not only did I call the after hours crisis number, I also read. I read Yesternight by Cat Winters. I am really enjoying the book. I am almost half done with the book. It is an awesome book so far. I highly recommend it. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea but it is a good read so far. In fact reading is what has been helping me keeping myself safe from doing any harm to myself.

The crisis clinician suggested that I continue to keep reading but also suggested that I do some art. Specifically, she recommended that I color. She knows I love to color as I have talking to this particular crisis clinician before. So, when I get done writing this post, I will do some coloring. Coloring helps me a great deal and is a type of mindfulness and meditation practice for me. It helps me calm the fuck down.

The one thing that has helped me a great deal from harming myself in any way is my cat, Lil Gertie. She is a constant reminder to not self harm and to not take my own life. I don’t want Lil Gertie, to be orphaned once again. She has been through a great deal and I don’t want her to go through anything else if I can help it. My cat, Lil Gertie, has been snuggling up to me a lot last night as I am pretty sure that she is acutely aware of how I am doing at the moment.

As I mentioned above, Lil Gertie, my cat, has been helpful in keeping myself safe. She is also the reason why I have not gone to the hospital to get an evaluation. Getting an evaluation at the hospital takes way too fucking long. That is why the crisis clinician I talked to suggested that I go into the agency to see if I really need to be in the hospital or to see if touching base with my therapist more often would be best.

So, at this moment in time I am wondering what the hell I should do. The reason being is that two hours is a long time to wait to talk to someone. On the other hand, it will take a good three hours before I could talk with a social worker at the hospital because I would need to be medically cleared first. So, at this point in time I am thinking waiting two hours is the better option however if the urges to self harm increase or my suicidal thoughts get worse or I end up with a plan to die by suicide I will take myself to the emergency room. AS A REMINDER I WILL NOT SELF HARM OR ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE. IF THE URGES INCREASE I WILL TAKE MYSELF TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. Seeing somebody who knows my history and has access to both my crisis plan and treatment plan is the best option for me at the moment. I will be less triggered this way. 

I do not have much else to say as I have been long winded in writing this post. I just hope I did not worry anyone as the state I am in is not the best place to be in at the moment. It scares the shit out of me when I am suicidal and have intense urges to self harm. I will continue to keep you in the loop about how things are going. If you don’t see me post it is most likely that I will be in the hospital for psych reasons. I really don’t want to be in the hospital but if that is what is needed then that is what I will do. I just hope I can get some sleep as that will most likely decrease the symptoms that I am currently having.

I am thinking that I am done writing this post as I have been long winded. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great Monday or at least a better Monday than I am currently having. Again, thank you for reading. I hope you all have a great day. Happy Monday!!! Peace Out World!!!

SIDE NOTE: I WILL NOT ATTEMPT TO DIE BY SUICIDE NOR WILL I HARM MYSELF.IF THE URGES GET TOO INTENSE I WILL GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.PLEASE REST ASSURE I HAVE NOT HARMED MYSELF IN ANYWAY AND THAT I WILL NOT HARM MYSELF. 

Sunday Night Struggles

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It is eleven o’clock at night on a Sunday and I am struggling. Struggling with the symptoms of the mental health challenges I am diagnosed with. Symptoms that I wish that were not acting up at the moment especially since I thought I was making some progress. The PTSD symptoms I am having are quite severe. Severe enough that it has been cause several hours of dissociation. The depression is causing me to want to isolate. Isolation is not a good thing especially since my psychosis is starting to flare up again. I am starting to hear voices again and that is not a good sign. At least the voices are at a whisper. All of the above mentioned symptoms is causing me some high anxiety.

At this moment in time I am starting to watch the eleven o’clock news. I am pretty sure that is going to to be the same shit that was on the evening news. I just wish the news shared feel good stories as they wouldn’t make watching other parts of the news so depressing.

Since my last post I have been reading Yesternight by Cat Winters with my cat, Lil Gertie, on my lap. The book is very interesting so far. It is one of those books that is difficult to put down especially since it is a page turner. It was hard to put down to watch the eleven o’clock news. So far I am only a quarter of the way thru it and hope it continues to be a page turner.

As I mentioned, Lil Gertie, my cat has been sitting in my lap as I have read. Having her on my lap at helped a great deal with the symptom’s of my mental health diagnosis especially the PTSD symptoms. She has been quite helpful with the dissociation as it is difficult to dissociate when you have a cat seeking your attention most of the day. I think she was doing this so I would not dissociate. I love my cat, Lil Gertie so much. Adopting my cat, Lil Gertie, has been one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I do not regret getting her whatsoever. She is my little furbaby.

I do not have much else to say in the post. Thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. I hope everyone has a great nights sleep. Peace Out, World!!!

Mental Health Challenges Suck Sh*t

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I just finished watching the evening news. There was really nothing good on the evening news but when does the news have good news. It seems like the news is nothing but Politics and depressing news. But then again politics can be depressing. Or at least the last two and half years, politics has been nothing but negative and depressing. More so than ever. I wish the news could share a minimum of two feel good stories each half an hour they are on. But that is just my own personal opinion.

On the plus side, the weather in Seattle hasn’t been as “bad” as the weather people said it would be. It was sunny with some clouds which is good thing because there was suppose to be a “storm” according to the weather people on the news. The weather people really don’t seem to know what they are talking about.

My Anxiety, Depression and PTSD are not relenting and wish the hell I could get a break. My mental health challenges appear to have increased symptoms which suck shit. I haven’t taken a show since Wednesday and that is never a good sign. I just wish I could take a bath because that would be a wee bit easier for me but unfortunately my apartment doesn’t have a bathtub in it. It does have a shower but a nice hot bath would be nice on occasion. I know I need to take a shower but I don’t feel like taking one. I know ultimately I will feel a ton better but I am just too depression to do so.

I think I am going to start reading my book Yesternight by Cat Winters. I think reading it will be quite helpful for me to get out of my own head. I really hope it is a good book like people having been telling me it is. It seems like an interesting book by what I read on the back cover.

I do not have much more to say. I want to thank you all for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Have a great rest of your Sunday evening. Peace Out, World!!!

An Okay Type of Sunday

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! At this moment in time I am tired as hell. I have not had any sleep the last two nights. I have been awake since eight in the morning on Friday and well it is now early Sunday evening. All I want is some sleep. I hope that I am able to sleep tonight. If not then I know the symptoms of my mental health challenges most likely will increase and nobody wants that.

I have been reading most of the day. I have been mainly reading Wonder Woman comic books as it helps me in many different ways. It helps give me a sense of strength that I may not have or feel that I have at the moment. I have yet to start the novel I was telling you about in my last post and hope to start it at some point this evening. The book I hope to start to reading is Yesternight by Cat Winters. I heard nothing but good things about the book.

I ended up having lunch with friends like I do every Sunday. In fact a group of my neighbors who have become good friends have Sunday lunch every week. It is a potluck style meal. It is nice being able to have a weekly meal with my neighbors as it helps us get to know each other and who lives in the building.

After lunch I went grocery shopping with two of my friends who are also my neighbors. I really didn’t need to get much. I just needed milk, butter, mac & cheese, banana’s and yogurt. I do need more groceries however my grandpa will be taking me grocery shopping at the end of the week so I just bought stuff to help carry me through the week with the stuff I already have.

I do not have much more to say. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I am grateful for you my reader. You help make blogging worth while for me. I would still blog without readers but having regular reader helps keep me going. Again, I want to thank you for reading. I hope everyone has a great rest of their Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

 

In a Bit of a Lil Funk

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! As of lately I have been in a little bit of a funk. A funk that appears to be sticking around long than desired and expected. The bump in the road I thought I was experiencing has now turned into a funk and it is not very fun. I was making some progress and now I am in a funk.

Dealing with the symptoms of Anxiety, Depression and PTSD is not the easiest of things to do. To add to the difficulties is that I am dealing with some dissociation and that sucks shit. I know what I need to do to combat the symptoms and I will let you know what I plan on doing to combat those symptoms. Most of what will help combat my symptoms is doing something creative which I mentioned in a previous post that I posted yesterday. I am also including a couple of other things as I know they will be helpful as well.

I, of course will be listening to music as I do the activities I plan on doing to help reduce my symptoms. Music always appears to be quite helpful for me especially when I am combining listening to it while doing something else. Oh how music soothes my soul.

One of the things I plan on continuing from yesterday is writing. Specifically writing poetry. I am wanting to create some poems about what is going on with me emotionally at the moment. Not sure how many I can write today but it is my hope that I can create about ten poems this next week. I am not holding my breath about writing that many but it is my goal that I will be able to do so.

I will also continue to work on the paintings I started yesterday. In fact I think I may be almost done with one. I hope to share it with you at some point during this week. Painting is a great hobby despite it being expensive. That is why I tend buy a lot of canvas at the same time as it cheaper to buy in bulk. I usually buy the bottles of paint as I need them as I don’t want the paint to dry up if it is not used right away. I don’t know what I will do with all my paintings as I have no where to put them and they are not ones I exactly want to sell plus I don’t think anyone would want to buy them. I love painting whether or not they are worth any money or not.

Another thing I am planning on doing is reading. I am going to start reading one of the novels I got at Emerald City Comic-Con. The book I think I am going to read is Yesternight by Cat Winters. It was a book that was suggested to me to read. The best part of buy this book is that I was able to meet the author and have her sign it. I am excited about reading this book.

I don’t have much more to say. I just want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great and relaxing Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

 

The Urges To Self Harm & The Skills That Are Helping

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I am having yet another tough moment with dealing with the one year anniversary of my grandma’s death yesterday (Thursday which was Valentines Day). My therapist and I had an hour and a half session today. I cried a bunch. We also discussed on ways I could keep myself safe for today and the rest of the weekend. We came up with the usual stuff of doing art, journaling, reading, spending time with my cat, blogging and actually starting on the workbook I have discussed in previous post. The workbook is called “The Artist Way.”  I have started reading the introduction and other such things like how to use the work book. I hope to officially start it tomorrow (Saturday) or Sunday.

Of course my therapist and I discussed what books I plan on reading and he agreed that the books I have chosen to read most likely won’t be triggering for me as they are Science Fiction and Fantasy books. He thinks that reading books will be helpful for me to get out of my head even for a moment or two. He also agrees the both blogging and journaling will be helpful for me to process the grief and depression I am dealing with in regards to my grandmas passing away and help me with other shit I am dealing with. Art of course is that skill set for me to do so I have a better way to process my emotions in ways words can not help me express. Lets not forget the affection and love my cat gives me on the daily basis even if she wakes me up at four in the morning to play or wanting food.

The workbooks and the letter to my grandma is the two things my therapist really wants me to focus on this weekend as our next session is on Tuesday. My therapist is challenging me in a good and difficult way he knows I am capable of doing at the moment. He wants to see me to continue to improve with my recovery. He is very recovery related which is a good thing in a therapist.

I do not have very much more to say in this post. I hope everyone has an awesome Friday evening and a good weekend.  I want to thank you all for reading my blog as it is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Again, thank you fro reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

There Is No Place Like Home

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I am home and have been for a few hours. It is so nice to be home and able to sleep in my own bed instead of a couch. My cat, Lil Gertie, appears to be happy to be home as well. I do have to say my apartment is still cold as I had the windows slightly opened when I was gone to have it not be so stuffy in my apartment. It sure seems that it is taking an extremely long time for it to warm back up after closing the windows and turning on the heat full blast.

Since I have been home, I decided to do some art. In fact I have decided to do some painting as I was not able to paint when I was at my grandpa’s. That is okay as it has me more appreciative of different genres of art.

Now I am about to curl up in my own bed to read. I am really enjoying the book I am reading. I hope to do a book review when I am finished with the book. I am reading “Lost Boys” by Orson Scott Card. Orson Scott Card is a really good author or that is my opinion of him.

I do not have much more to say except that there is no place like home. I hope everyone has a good rest of their Monday evening. I would also like to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. Peace Out, World!!!

The Irritability That Seems Like A Never Ending Story

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I am quite irritable at the moment. My grandpa is starting to get on my nerves. First he won’t put in his hearing aids to the television is up to an unbearable noise. Noise to where his upstairs neighbor came down and him to turn it down. He said “no” and then twenty minutes later the cops showed up. Lets put it this way, he refused to turn it down and now the television is turn off. He said if “I can’t hear the t.v then nobody watches it.” Which means he is only punishing himself as well as me. All he needs to do is stick in his hearing aids and put on his hearing aid amplifier and then he would not have to be miserable. I just don’t understand why he could make life easier for himself by putting in his hearing aids. If he would have just turned down the television when the neighbor complained about it then the police would’t have been called by the neighbors. But then again the neighbors dog kept my grandpa, my uncle and myself up last night due to its howling. The dog must have been loud if my grandpa could hear it without his hearing aids. I am don’t trying to excuse my grandpa but his irritability as well as some of mine was caused by the neighbors dog due to the lack of sleep from the dog howling. The other part of my irritability is caused by the commotion that was caused due the loud television and the neighbor. I don’t blame the neighbor as it is Sunday and I wouldn’t want to hear somebody else’s television however her dog kept a lot of her neighbors up last night and not just my grandpa. I guess I am just frustrated over the entire issue as it could have been preventable if my grandpa would have swallowed his pride and put on at least his hearing aids.

Another reason why I am personally irritable is the pain I am in due to the oral surgery I had this past Wednesday. I know I shouldn’t be complaining about the pain as it is only temporary but my mouth hurts like hell and yes, I know I should be grateful and I am but I highly dislike being in pain. I know overall that getting my teeth fixed will help with my self esteem however it appears to me that all I am focused on is the now which is the pain and not what it will help me with later, my self esteem.

I have yet another reason why I am irritable which is me being hungry. I am not able to fully chew yet due to my gums not being fully healed from the surgery and I am not quite use to my dentures. I am pretty much still limited to liquids and some soft foods which sucks but I know once I am healed and use to the dentures I will be able to eat even more than I was able to before my teeth were pulled. I say that because my teeth were so bad I couldn’t eat nuts and I love nuts. I know some people struggle eating nuts with dentures but I know with practice and determination I will be able to eat nuts again.

I think I need to do something to help myself not be so irritable. I think I will read a chapter or two the book that I am reading. I also will do some art work. The only things I have to do art work wise here at my grandpa is collaging and coloring. So, think with the combination with reading and the art work I have to work on will help with my irritability. Irritability that is caused by a number of factors.

I don’t have much else to say and it is almost twelve noon in my corner of the world that I think it time to get something to eat. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated, as if it wasn’t for you my reader, I wouldn’t have continued to blog. Again, thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

 

Just Another Random Post

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I hope everyone is having a good Saturday!!! Right now I am in some pain due to having all my teeth pulled out on Wednesday morning. The only thing they gave me for pain is ibuprofen. It sucks that all they gave me for pain is ibuprofen however I understand due to the opioid epidemic here in the United States. I am hoping that the pain subsides sooner than later because I want to be able to eat solid food again. All I am eating is liquids and some soft food like scrambled eggs and cream of wheat.

I have been spending the last few days with my grandpa due to the oral surgery. He was worried how I would be taking the pain. Not only that, when I get sick or something, my mental health symptoms start to increase so I am thinking that my grandpa wanted to make sure that the oral surgery didn’t increase my mental health symptoms. Yes, my depression and PTSD has slightly increased but I think being around my grandpa has helped a great deal and the fact that my therapist and I discussed on ways to be preventive about my mental health symptoms.

I have been reading a great deal since I got my oral surgery. I am about half way done with the book I am currently reading and that is a major deal since I just had all my teeth pulled and dealing with pain isn’t helpful to one’s concentration. I am also happy that I am half way done with the book as it make me that much closer to accomplishing another one of my 2019 goals. That goal is to read six books this year. I would have a higher number but since I really didn’t accomplish reading any books last year due to my mental health, I decided to make it a realistic goal.

Speaking of goals, the one 2019 goal I already completed was getting my dental work done. Yes, I am in pain from the oral surgery and the dentures aren’t helping much in that department, it is a goal I have completed and can check off my list. In fact it is a major goal that has been accomplished for this year. I am so glad it is done and of the way or at least the major part of it is. I will still need to go in for follow ups regarding the dentures but that is the easy part of the goal.

Since it is nearly one thirty in the afternoon in my neck of the woods, I am thinking I need to get dressed for the day. I am also hoping my grandpa can take me shopping at Walmart so I can use my gift card I received for Christmas. I am not a big fan of Walmart but I am not going to waste someone’s money due to the fact I am not a fan of the place.

With that all being said, I really think I should end this post. I hope everyone has a great Saturday and weekend ahead. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. Again, I hope everyone has an awesome weekend. Peace Out, World!!!

A Relaxing Monday

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I really did not do much today as it was low key type of day. I went to my doctors appointment as planned. My doctor and I decided since I am doing well and haven’t been in the emergency room for over two months for neither mental health or physical health that I will see her every four weeks instead of every two weeks. Which means I am doing better both mentally and physically despite needing to go to urgent care a couple of weeks ago due to a severe cold but my doctor thinks that is better than the emergency room and I did what was needed as a precaution since I have asthma. My doctor and I also discussed my up coming appointment regarding my oral surgery. She wants me to keep her updated on how the oral surgery went via email. I have a pretty awesome doctor.

As much as I appreciate it being Martin Luther King Day and am grateful for all he did, I wish the mental health agency I am a client of was open today. I say this because I miss attending Art Group. I haven’t attended art group since before the holidays. Despite not being able to go art group due to the mental health agency being closed, I did do some art. I did a combo of genre’s. I painted and added some collaging on the painting. I love adding both genre’s together. It makes the art more interesting.

Another thing I did today was read. I am reading Lost Boys by Orson Scott Card. So far I am enjoying it immensely. I love being able to read. I love it so much because it gets me out of my head and helps me forget about my problems even though it is temporary. It is a great escape for me especially since I don’t have the money to go on vacations. Reading is a type of vacation for me.

I do not have much else to say at the moment. I hope everyone who had a three day weekend had a good three days off. Those who did not I hope your work week started off well. I hope everyone has great rest of your week especially if you have to work. I also want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things especially since I have not been blogging on the regular basis. Have a great rest of you evening. Peace Out, World!!!