Tag Archives: Grief

Ugh!!! Frustration & Other Stuff

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It’s been a frustrating morning. I went to the social security office today and have to go back tomorrow. It’s difficult enough to go when you don’t have an anxiety disorder and/or PTSD but add one or both conditions it makes it that much more difficult.

As difficult as social security is for me to go to and to deal with them, dealing with the grief of my grandma being in hospice care is that much more difficult. Knowing my grandma is going to pass away sooner than later is painful and I don’t want that to happen yet I know it is a part of life. Death is painful to deal with yet when you are aware of someone about to pass away you tend to appreciate the person more as well as life in general.

Being more appreciative of my grandma now is a good thing and not taking her life for granted, I’m going to be visiting her. I’ll be taking some art supplies with me as well as music and books to keep me busy when my grandma sleeps. The art stuff I’ll be taking is collaging and coloring supplies as its the easy to travel with on the city bus and less messy for my grandparents home.

I should get going so I can go visit my grandma. I hope everyone has an awesome day. Peace Out, World

Therapy + Winter Olympics = Good Self-Care

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!!  Today, overall has been good with some challenges. Challenges that I will be able deal with, with the help of my mental health treatment team. I saw Gilbert today and we talked about my grandma and the grief I am dealing even though she is still alive. Grief of loosing my grandma and the unknown on when she is going to go.  We also discussed some trauma related stuff. Stuff I never even told Diana. So, I feel like with all the work I did with Diana, I made a lot of progress today with Gilbert as I don’t think it would have been possible even five years ago. Gilbert also gave me some therapy homework. That is to acknowledge one thing I did well today and sit with in for five seconds. So I’m going to do it.

I also went to Art Group today and made a collage. A collage on how I want to view myself. I showed Gilbert my collage. He said that he’s “impressed” my collage from art group and other art I do outside of art group.

Now I am watching the Winter Olympics and enjoying myself. I love the fact that watching the Olympics can be helpful for me and is self care for me. Self-Care that is much need right now as I deal with my grandma being in hospice care as well as sharing some trauma related stuff with Gilbert.

Thanks, very much for reading. Peace Out, World!!!

The End of the Road

Posted on by Gertie

Think back to a moment where you’ve come to the end of the road with something important in your life—a relationship with a lover; moving out of your childhood home; graduation from school; etc. Write a scene wrapped around that moment, describing how you felt (good and bad) and how you closed the door on that chapter in your life.

This writing prompt is difficult as I can come up with a lot of end of road stories that have influenced me to where I am at in the moment in time. If it wasn’t for end of road experiences I wouldn’t be in recovery. In recovery with an eating disorder or mental health. I wouldn’t be working on my recovery with self-harm.

Its the end of the road experiences that I have experienced has been what Oprah called Awe-Ha moments. Moments that have changed my life and hope that the experiences I have had can help change the lives of others so they can go on and help others themselves.

Thinking about the end of the road not only has me thinking about my recovery but my grandma and her currently being in home hospice care. For her its the end of the road yet she still has her sense of humor. The same sense of humor that I have to help me through her dying. I hope as I deal with my grandma dying I hope I can laugh at life like she has.

Ugh, I Just Want to Sleep

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I am still wide awake. I’m not sure exactly why I am not able to sleep but it’s starting to get a little annoying. Yes, maybe it’s because I have “treatment resistant insomnia” but I think something is bothering me. I’m not sure what but something is.

Yes, I realize it could be my grandma and dealing with her being at deaths door because she is in hospice care. Dealing with my grandma being in hospice is not easy yet I honestly don’t think it’s the reason I am unable to sleep.

I just wish I knew why I couldn’t sleep because if I did then maybe I could sleep. It’s something that I need to be able to work on my recovery. Hell, it not only helps with my recovery be it helps with staying physically healthy.

Thank you for reading. It’s appreciated. Peace Out, World!!!

Grief Before Death

Posted on by Gertie

I’m not sure what to call it as it’s not quite depression yet I feel like its too soon to call it grief as my grandma is still alive. I’m feeling sad about my grandma as she doesn’t have much longer to live. I don’t want her to die yet I don’t want her to suffer anymore.

To help me through this I have been using my support system a great deal. They have been there for me. I, have realized though this difficult and challenge time is that some folks I thought would be there for me are not but others have stepped up to the plate while other have gone above and beyond the call of duty.

Junior of course being one of those folks going above and beyond the call of duty. He has been making sure I’ve been taking care of my basic needs. When he is at work he has made sure someone checks in on me.

Having friends to help me through this challenging time has been a blessing to me. I am grateful for those individuals. Without friends, life would be that much more difficult for me.

Thanks for reading. Peace Out, World!!

At Grandma’s House

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It’s Sunday afternoon and things aren’t going so well for my grandma. She is having trouble staying awake and talking when she is awake. She still has her sense of humor and laughs at my purple hair. Hell, she doesn’t like my purple hair but thats okay, she’s eighty-eight years old.

Seeing my grandma like this is difficult yet rewarding. Being able to help my family especially my grandparents is rewarding for me because they helped my dad raise me. My grandma was like a mother to me or attempted to be a mother when she wasn’t being a grandma to me.

As difficult as it is right now for me I am doing good self care like blogging and other stuff. I need t get going and help my grandpa out with my grandma. Have a great day. Peace Out, World!!!

How Much Death Can One Person Take?

Posted on by Gertie

This is a difficult post to write. It’s difficult to write because it is going to be a post about death. The death of friends and family as well as having to look into putting my grandma into hospice.

This year has not been the easiest of years for me regarding people passing away. It started out when I found out that a close friend died by suicide and was found on New Years Day. I lost a total of eight friends, one cousin and three clients. How much death can one person take?

On top of that I found out my grandma’s doctor’s informed my grandpa that hospice care for my grandma might the best option for her. I was told that she only has six to nine months to live due to Parkinson’s related stuff. It’s never easy to hear that your grandma doesn’t have long to live especially if she helped raise you.

I’m hoping that with the help of my mental health treatment team, I can learn to deal with the grief. Grief of loosing so many people over the last few years.

Thanks for reading my depressing post. Have a great day!!! Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It’s late on Saturday night. This is the time of year that is the most difficult for me even when I am doing well. Its difficult due to trauma related shit which is the reason I have PTSD. When you add Depression to the mix it just makes things worse.

So more or less Christmas is a shitty time of year for me due to trauma but Christmas is even more difficult this year. I found out late last night (Friday) that one of my cousins died yesterday. She was only 48 years old. She passed away suddenly due to health issues as she slept taking a nap. Her two sons found her and did CPR on her till the paramedics showed up. The difficult thing was that I needed to tell another cousin that my cousin died as well as an uncle. To make matters even more difficult I had to inform a mutual friend of mine on my cousin that my cousin died. Telling three people that someone passed away is not a great way to start off the holiday weekend.

As difficult as yesterday was especially with the holiday weekend at least my Yule or Winter Solstice went well. I spent it with Junior and some of our closest friends. We had fun. We ate lots of food and played some awesome board games.

That’s all have for now. I’m struggling with some PTSD symptoms and need to do some relaxation skills. I hope everyone has a great holiday. Peace out, World.

Feeling Supported & Heard In An Angering (& Unethical) Situation

Posted on by Gertie

Long time, no blog. It’s been a few weeks since I last blogged. Actually, its been neatly a month since I last blogged since that last time I did was on Halloween.

I’ve actually attempted to blog a great deal this past week or at least since last Wednesday but failed to do so as I was (and still am) pretty angry. Angry over what happened last week. Actually, it happened a week ago today which would make it last Wednesday (November 15th).

The thing that got me so angry was that I was informed by my therapist that I no longer am a part of the therapy services per her supervisor who happens to be the program manager of the program I am a client of. Needless to say I was angry. I was angry on how it was communicated to me. I unfortunately (figuratively) shot the messenger, who happened to be my therapist by yelling and screaming at her. She didn’t find out about me not being able to continue with therapy till the day before by her supervisor. So needless, to say my unexpected last session with my new therapist didn’t go all that well. I truly believe that my therapist heard what I was telling her. Not because I was yelling at the poor woman but because of her body language, what she was saying as well as her tone of voice. I do NOT blame my therapist whatsoever in this as this was NOT her decision as she was only made aware of it the day before. Unfortunately, I was not able to thank her for all her help.

Another unfortunate part of this, is that the other members of my treatment team were NOT made aware of this till I left them an angry voicemail. I left my case manager a voicemail as well as her supervisor a voicemail. Both of which had no clue about it. The supervisor of my case manager called me and he said that I must have misunderstood my therapist and would look into it and call me back when he looked into it. He did call me back to inform me that I did in fact not misunderstand what my therapist had said. He and my case manager were not informed of this drastic change in my treatment team nor the timing of it.

My case manager and her supervisor as well as my now former therapist are acutely aware that the timing couldn’t have come at a worse time for me. Finding out the news that I am no longer able to get therapy services at this moment in time came three days before the four year anniversary of the miscarriage of the first set of twins. It also came a few weeks shy of the one year anniversary of me finding out that Diana left the mental health agency I’m a client of due to cancer. It also comes during the holidays as well as other anniversaries regarding traumatic events. In fact both my case manager and her supervisor agree that what the program manager did is extremely unethical for anyone to do in the mental health field.

As angering and unethical as this situation is, I don’t blame my case manger, or her supervisor or even my now former therapist. I blame the program manager one hundred percent on this. In fact because of this I have lost trust in my treatment team.

Despite feeling unsupported by the program manager and being angry with the asshole, I do feel supported by all the other staff on the team. My case manager, her supervisor, and my group leaders have been quite supportive of me the last week. My treatment team is working hard to gain my trust back.

As I end this post I hope to let you all know in a later post on the “reasoning” behind why I lost therapy but right now is not the best time due to me still being highly angry. Thank you for reading and I hope to blog on the more regular basis. Happy Thanksgiving and Peace out!!!

Everyday Inspiration; Day 8: Reinvent the Letter Format

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! Today’s assignment for Finding Everyday Inspiration, is to write your blog in a letter format. I’m having difficulty do this because it appears to me that the only people I can think of righting a letter or letters to, can and will bring up some major pain to me.

The first person I thought of righting a letter to as part of this assignment was the person who abused me as child. The person in this particular case would be my brothers dad. It brings up a great deal of pain and anger. Both emotion’s that I really don’t want to deal with at the moment.

The second person I thought of writing a letter to as a part of todays assignment was to Diana. The therapist that departed the agency I am client of unexpectedly due to a cancer diagnosis. This brings me much pain and grief as I was unable to say goodbye to her. A goodbye as in a final session however this was unable to happen because she needs to focus on getting better. I am unsure how she is doing or if she is even still alive. I’m still grieving over the loss of her as my therapist especially it was all of sudden and quite unexpected.

The third letter I thought about writing was to the two sets of twins I lost in two miscarriages. As expected that brought up a great deal of sadness and pain. Pain and sadness I really don’t want to acknowledge. As any parent or expectant parent will tell you is that the greatest pain a parent can endure is loosing a child. I can say this without a shadow of a doubt because I’ve endured a great deal of pain in my life due to various traumas and the greatest pain I’ve endured is loosing my children via miscarriage. Loosing a child is quite difficult.

In fact WordPress suggested to write a letter to someone about a joyous time. I attempted to do so when I started this post by writing a letter to Diana. Unfortunately, it was bringing up a great deal of grief and sadness for me as Diana has helped me with a great deal in my recovery.

It is my hope that maybe someday, I can do this assignment when it doesn’t seem so overwhelming for me at this moment in time. Sometimes it difficult to acknowledge to others when things can be hard and/or overwhelming for me. So thanks for being  understanding.

As, I end this blog post, I want to thanks you for reading. I appreciate you for your readership. I hope everyone has a great day. Peace Out, World!!!