Tag Archives: Holidays

Sunday Randomness & Work Bullsh*t

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! It is a nice a lazy day with a bit of anxiety that I can deal with at the moment. I, of course of my typical anxiety that I deal with on the daily basis however I received a text from someone at work to see if I could work for her tonight. I always get right back to here saying whether or not I am able to work for her but I am not going to respond to her text for a two or three hours as it is her shifts I ended up covering. In fact all but one of the shifts I have covered were for her so I figure she can wait a few hours for me to respond. I am planing on informing her that I can not work for her tonight. I know I should tell her sooner than later but when I tell her my excuse, I want it to be more believable. I am not going to be lying to her as when I received her text I was busy at the time and have thing planned to do today but it is the type of plans that I can rearrange to go to work but my colleague doesn’t need to know that. I won’t be lying to her when I tell her, “sorry, I just saw your full text. I have been busy all day and am unable to work tonight.”  So, I’m not lying as I haven’t read her full text till I reply to her text. I am just frustrated that she is the one I have filled for every time except once. If I get into trouble for not responding to her text soon enough or covering shift then I will accept the consequences. Technically, on calls are suppose to cover at least one shift a month and I have had a handful of opportunities to do so this month but haven’t wanted to various reasons. Considering the other on call person hasn’t done a shift in months I don’t think I have anything to worry about in regards to getting fired but if I do get let go for that reason I will be disappointed but grateful at the same time. Don’t get me wrong I like my job for the most part. I just don’t like being on call and the irregular hours as it messes with my sleep. If I had a regular shift even if it is a night shift I would have a better sleep pattern.

So, since being on call for a night shift isn’t the right fit for me, I have been looking for other jobs. Even jobs I have had before and really didn’t like. I have considered going back to working at grocery store because at least they would be able to respect my accommodations I need for my disability. I am applying to various places and will only apply at a grocery store as last resort. I really want to become Peer Specialist again. I have been applying for various positions in the mental health field including administrative assistant and janitorial jobs at mental health agencies as once you have a foot in the door, you’re more likely to get hired within the agency.

It is the holiday season and Christmas is nine days away. I can’t help but think how difficult this Christmas is going to be for my family as it is the first holiday season without my grandma. Grief is hard no matter what but it seems more difficult the first year without the person who is gone. I hope all goes well over Christmas and that my family is able to handle it.

I just received another text from the colleague wanting me to cover her shift for her. So I turned off my phone. That way I can say that my phone was off and I didn’t receive her text or if she calls then it will go straight to voicemail. I know I should respond but I don’t want to come up with some lie. I just want to tell her that when she texted me I was unavailable and now that I read them I am unable to work.  Granted I have only read part of the text but not the full text as if I open the text then she will know it was delivered. I just don’t want to work tonight. I know I should just say I am unable to work but she is the type of person that will pressure you into working.

Now back to the grieving process of missing my grandma. I think that is part of the reason why I don’t want to work tonight. Plus, my depression and anxiety is acting up at the moment. Some of my anxiety is work related at the moment but the other part of my anxiety is PTSD related which sucks. It being winter and Christmas time my mental health symptoms tend to get worse due to past traumas, weather and shorter days. I really dislike grief, depression, anxiety and PTSD.

I think I will try to get some sleep since I didn’t sleep well last night. A nap will do me some good and then maybe I can come up with an excuse that is not a lie to my work colleague. I am turning off my phone as a precaution, just in case she or our supervisor attempts to call so it will go straight to voicemail. I informed my grandpa about it and his said “just lie saying you were taking care of me” but I don’t want to lie. I just want to say something like “I just got your text and was unavailable to respond and am unable to work tonight since I just saw the text. I am sorry for the short notice. I hope you understand” and hopefully she buys it. I did read some but not all of the message as I didn’t open the full text message so I am not exactly lying but it feel like a lie in a way even though I have been busy doing other things. An idea I have is to say I am unable to work tonight due to my disability acting up which is true or I have migraine which is also true. So when I do respond later I will most likely tell her that I’ve either been busy or been dealing with a migraine and won’t use the disability until I absolutely need to and using my disability in this case in not an absolute need to.

I think I really need to focus on making sure the symptoms of my depression, anxiety and PTSD don’t increase because I want today to continue to be another lazy Sunday. I love dealing with lazy Sundays and that is what I am gong to do despite the anxiety of not responding to colleague about working for her tonight. I will let it be a lazy Sunday and respond to her later. So here is to an enjoyable lazy Sunday despite others needs, increased mental health symptoms, grief and the expectations that Christmas brings.

Now, I am going to end this post so I can go take a nap. Thank for reading my blog. I hope you continue to read my blog and I will NOT lie to my colleague as I have been busy and have been dealing with a migraine. Not sure which truth I am going to tell her but I will text her later on. Again thank you for reading. Have a wonderful Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

Nothing Like A Nightmare Early On A Monday Morning

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! Well, it is Monday morning and people are starting to get up to get ready for their work day. I have been awake since two thirty this morning due to a nightmare and it is now five o’clock in the morning in my corner of the world. Waking up to a nightmare is absolutely no fun. At least my cat did her job and woke me up from the nightmare before it got any worse. Some how she trained herself to wake me up from a nightmare by either licking my nose or licking one of my big toes. Not sure how she trained herself to do that but I am grateful for it.

Since I woke up from a nightmare, I have been reading comic books and listening to music. Specifically, I have been reading Wonder Woman comic books and listening to Christmas music. For some reason reading Wonder Woman comic books and listening to Christmas music has been quite helpful for me the last two and half hours which I am extremely grateful for.

Now that it is five o’clock in the morning, I will be watching the morning news as I haven’t kept up to date on the news via television all weekend. I did however read the newspaper over the weekend. Sometimes staying away from the news is quite helpful for my mental health and this past weekend it was quite helpful as my depression symptoms have been increasing which sucks shit.

I don’t have much more to talk about at the moment. I want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope everyone has a great start to the work week. I also hope everyone has a great Monday. Peace Out, World!!!

 

Still Fighting Off Fucking Depression

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, again, World!!! I am still fighting off fucking depression however it is slowing going away with the things I have done so far. I hung out with a friend. We went to Red Robin and had a late lunch, early dinner. We then walked around the mall and ended up getting pictures with Santa Claus. Getting a picture together with Santa was fun.

Even though the holidays bring more depression my way, I am glad I am coming up with new ways to fight off the depression and to start new traditions. My friend and I are going to do the Santa picture every year from now on.

I am now at my volunteer job waiting for five o’clock to come around as that is when my shift start. I only have about fifteen more minutes till my shift starts which is okay with me. I love my volunteer job. I have been at this volunteer job for four years now. It has helped me a great deal with my life and mental health.

Granted my depression is still acting up at the moment but I am glad I have decided to not isolate. Isolation is a persons worst enemy when they have depression. Fighting isolation and depression sucks shit but I am currently doing it at the moment.

I am just realizing this is my third post today. I have not posted multiple times in a day in a very long time. I am grateful that I am utilizing this great coping skill for me. I hope that me blogging helps you my reader.

I do not have much else to say. I hope everyone has an awesome Saturday afternoon and evening. Thank you so very much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of this. Have a great evening. Peace Out, World!!!

Friday Night At Home In My PJ’s

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Friday Evening, World!!! I have been home for a few hours and have decided to spend my Friday evening in my pajama’s spending time with my cat, Lil Gertie. I spent the night at my grandpa’s last night. I got to my grandpa’s yesterday afternoon and didn’t get back home till this afternoon and it feels great to be home. In fact, it is nice to spend time by myself with my cat. My cat has pretty much been sitting on my lap most of the evening which is very relaxing for me.

I have pretty much done absolutely nothing productive. I have taken a shower and clean the kitty litter box but that is as productive as I am getting this evening. I have been listening to Christmas music as I read comic books. I am reading A Superhero’s Christmas volumes one and two. It is a holiday ritual that I do every year even when I am severely depressed as it is one thing I know I can do as a personal tradition. A tradition I have been doing for about eight years now. I read these two comic books multiple times during the holiday season.  The superhero’s are all DC superhero’s in the comic books.

I thing my Friday evening has been quite relaxing. I have a cat on my lap while listening to Christmas music and reading a Superhero’s Christmas volumes one and two from DC comics. How much more relaxing can a night be? I think I might even watch a Christmas movie but not sure yet.

I don’t have much else to say in this post. I hope you all have a relaxing Friday as well as relaxing weekend. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is very much appreciated from my end. Peace Out, World!!!

Not Much To Say This Monday Afternoon

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I hope everyone’s day is going well. Mine is just going okay. Nothing too exciting has happened today. The only thing I have done so far today was pick up my meds. Meds that are much needed but I taking but I take them because they help me with my recovery.

I do have to go to work this evening for a stupid monthly meeting. I didn’t go to Octobers meeting because I didn’t know about it and Novembers meeting was cancelled. So, I guess what I am saying is that this my first meeting at my current job and have no idea what to expect. I really don’t want to go and have absolutely no clue how long it is going to last.

Hanukkah arrived yesterday evening and I celebrated it with a friend of mine. I was suppose to go to another friends to celebrate Hanukkah tonight but due to work I won’t celebrate it with my other friend till tomorrow. I am not Jewish but two of my friends invite me to celebrate with them both at least one of the eight nights. I do this because it’s a way to honor my friends faith. I may feel disappointed that I can not celebrate Hanukkah with one of my friends tonight but I am grateful that I can celebrate with her tomorrow.

I don’t have much more to say except Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate it. I also want to thank you from the bottom from my heart for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. Have a great rest of your Monday. Peace Out, World!!!

Nothing But The Boring Shit I Did Today

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It has been a busy Tuesday for me. I had a three appointments today which I am all grateful for. They just wore me out.

I, first had an appointment with my regular doctor for our every two week check up. This is to help keep me out of the Emergency Room for both physical health and mental health stuff. Unfortunately, my next appointment with my doctor is going to me for my oh so not very lovely yearly exam. At least I’m not forty yet so I don’t have to worry about a mammogram as of right now.

I then saw my therapist for our weekly session and it well. We discussed a lot of topic regarding family and holidays. For me that is what needs to be discussed to help me put in a good self care. For me doing self care is especially important any time of the but more so during the holidays. So my therapist and I are going to come up with more ways for good way for me to do good self care when I am at my families places during the holidays.

I then saw my employment specialist. We specifically discussed my job and how it wasn’t turning out like I thought it would be. I’m not guaranteed a shift every week. It is an on call position that is at night. If I had a regular schedule with a I night shift I think I would be fine with it but it is not a regular shift so my employment specialist and I are looking for other jobs for me at the moment. We found one that would be great for me for now. Since my flash drive broke I have to rebuild my resume which is okay for me.

I am attempting to keep this post short as I am sleepy. I hope everyone has had a good Tuesday. I hope to blog again tomorrow (Wednesday). Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated. Good night and Peace Out, World!!!

Just a Bullshit of Randomness

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is the Sunday after Thanksgiving and this year Thanksgiving was difficult for my family and I as it is the first holiday season with out my grandma. When my grandpa said the prayer before we ate dinner on Thanksgiving he broke down crying which led me to cry.

Speaking of grandpa, he had knee surgery a few weeks ago and right now, I am taking care of him as neither one of my uncles are able to do so at the moment due to them both having to work. It is nice to be able to help him as needed. It is also nice to spend some time with him in general as he is 88 years old. For being 88 years old he is relatively good health with the exception of his recent knee surgery.

Speaking of health, I did see my doctor nearly two weeks ago. She put me on on some antibiotics due to having an abscessed tooth. Unfortunately, I needed to go to the Emergency Room the next day to get my tooth taken out. Good thing the hospital I normally go to is a teaching hospital with a dental school. I see my doctor again this Tuesday as we have appointments every two weeks to help keep me out of the hospital for both physical and mental health.

Speaking of mental health I finally saw my psychiatric nurse practitioner as she kept cancelling due to family emergencies and a death in the family. She apologized profusely about the many cancellations however I was quite understanding of the reasons why. She and I discussed my mental health as well as my psych meds. I informed her overall my meds were working except the new sleeping med which she increased. We also discussed not being able to see my therapist due to him being out sick for three weeks. She informed me that if he wasn’t back the week after Thanksgiving to give her a call to see what she could do about me seeing someone on the interim bases.

Thankfully, I didn’t need to call my psychiatric nurse practitioner regarding as my therapist came back last week, the week of Thanksgiving. I was able to see my therapist the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. We discussed a great deal regarding him being gone, my grief regarding it being the first holidays without my grandma and the upcoming holidays and how difficult they are for me due to trauma. Since my therapist is back even though part time we are working on ways to help me get through them. So my next session we are going specifically working on self care tactics so I can stay out of the hospital for psych reasons including the Emergency Room.

As the holidays are upon us, I am thinking on what I am going to give my family for the holidays. I haven’t decided yet but I think I am going to give my dads side a picture of my grandma and my moms side some hand made gifts. I highly dislike giving things that will only be exchanged for something else or gifted out to someone else.

I don’t have much else to say. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated that I have people who read my blog on the regular basis. To you I am the most grateful for. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season even though I know it is challenging for many folks. I hope you all have a wonderful work week as well. Have good rest of your evening. Peace Out, World!!!

It’s Officially Dead Turkey Day

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! And to everyone in the United States, Happy Dead Turkey Day, also known as Thanksgiving Day. I find myself awake at this hour in the morning due to insomnia. I have taken my Melatonin, sleeping meds and some sleepy time tea. I have also listened to some sleeping time meditation to help me sleep but it appears nothing is helping at the moment.

I’m not going to lie, today is the first Thanksgiving since my grandma passed away and it is going to be a difficult one. Or at least I expect it to be a difficult one for me and my dad’s side of the family especially for my grandfather. As worried as I am on how I am going to handle today with the emotions that the holidays normally brings to me, I worry about the grief that not only will be happening to me but to my family. I just want to make sure I am able to hold my emotions together for my family and let my emotions go when I am not around my family.

I do have a good self care plan in place specifically for Thanksgiving as my therapist and I came up with one during our session this past Tuesday. My therapist may have still not been feeling better but I am grateful that he is back even if its for part time for the rest of the year. He appears to be the type of person who is rarely out sick but am grateful that he is back. I just wish he was feeling at 100%. I am going to start seeing him twice a week till mid January to help me through the holidays. We might do the two sessions a week till the end of February since my grandma passed away in mid-February and her birthday was in mid January. He just wants to makes sure I continue to stay stable and improve. All he is asking for right now is to stay stable like I am at the moment. But with now pressure.

I am so grateful for you my reader. Thank you for reading my blog. Have a great Thanksgiving Day. Have a wonderful day all. Peace Out, World!!!

The Evening Before Thanksgiving

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! Long time not blog. I can give you plenty of reasons why I haven’t posted in a while as well as plenty of excuses and have decided I won’t bore you with them. I’ll just go straight into what I am going to post about.

The last few weeks have been filled with anxiety. They have been filled with anxiety because my therapist was out of the office for three weeks due to health problems and finally came back this past Monday (11/19/2018). He still still didn’t look like he was feeling all that well when I saw him yesterday (Tuesday). But at least I was able to see him for a session without seeing him in almost a month. I had an extreme case of anxiety that my therapist wouldn’t becoming back due to health reason after what happened with Diana. Even though my therapist is back only part time due to his health issues, I am glad he is feeling well enough to be back. I just wish he was feeling back to his normal. But at least I will be seeing him weekly just as long as his doctors continue to say it is okay for him to work.

Another thing that has been causing me a great deal of stress for me is that my psychiatric nurse practitioner kept canceling on me due to a family emergency and a death in the family and I had ran out of refills for meds. But thankfully she refilled them before leaving to go to the funeral. I was finally able to see her last Thursday (November 15, 2018). She upped my new sleeping med and even with the increased, it still isn’t helping me fall asleep as quickly as I would like. At least the Melatonin appears to be helping me stay asleep.

Something else that I am not sure I have  mentioned but my regular doctor has been seeing me every two weeks as a precautionary thing to help me stay out of the Emergency Room (E.R) for both physical and mental health reasons. It appears to be helping. In my opinion it has been quite helpful.

Unfortunately, I did end up in the E.R last Wednesday (11/14/2018) due to an abscessed tooth. Thankfully, they were able to get the Dental Resident over from the Dental school to take care of the tooth and pull it. I am now on antibiotics for three weeks due to the severity of the infection.

On that note, I have been dealing with anxiety regarding the upcoming holidays. It is not just the anxiety I am dealing with in regards to the holidays, I have been dealing with the grief of this being the first holiday season without my grandma. I just wish the anxiety wasn’t so bad especially with the added grief. The one thing that has been quite helpful with the anxiety is my cat. She has been laying on my chest as I sit in my chair when I am high anxiety. She does this to help me focus on my breath. I find it quite helpful that she does this even though it hurts my boobs.

Well, I don’t have much more to say. Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things. I hope that I can post more often and not let things get in the way. Again, thank you so very much for reading my post. If I don’t post tomorrow, I want to wish everyone in the United States a very Happy Thanksgiving. Peace Out, World!!!

Dreaming of Sleep

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I am unable to sleep. I am not sure why. I can only guess it is my insomnia acting up once again. I wish I could sleep  but unfortunately I am unable to do so. One of the ways I have been attempting to get back to sleep is by doing some mindfulness and meditation practices. Usually this helps after the third time but sadly it hasn’t helped.

Since I am unable to sleep, I have been trying to keep myself busy. I have worked on my art. Specifically, I have been painting and collaging. I have been doing a combination of both genre’s I mentioned. I must say the particular piece I am working on is coming out quite splendidly.

Another thing I have been doing to keep myself busy is binge watching television. I watched an entire season of Friends as well as a half season of M*A*S*H. I had some great laughs watching both shows as comedies help me in many ways.

Just a reminder that I have advertisements on my blog to help me earn a little extra money. I hope that you my reader would be willing to click on an ad or two, once or twice a week so I can earn the extra money so I can buy people gifts for the holidays coming up. I would be greatly appreciated if clicked on the ads. I may not make much with the ads but every penny counts. I really want to give the people in my life some gifts that they will enjoy for the holidays.

I want to thank you for reading my blog. I appreciate it very much. I hope everyone has a great Saturday and weekend and that you are able to enjoy some of the weekend. Again, thank you for reading. Hopefully, I will be able to get some sleep. Peace Out, World!!!