A positive change I made in my life was when I went I decided to go into a two outpatient Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) program. I went into this program because I needed some help learning new skills to help with my emotional and verbal outburst as well as my self harming behavior and multiple suicide attempts. At first I was extremely wary of it however I am beyond grateful that I went through this DBT program and graduated from it. This was the second major adult decision I made for myself and my recovery. The first major adult decision I made was when I went to Mercy Ministries (now Mercy Multiplied) like I described in yesterday’s Daily Prompt post. Going into the DBT program was one of the most important decisions I made in my life and I am grateful for it as it helped me make bettered decisions in my life.
Tag Archives: Self Harm
Still No Sleep for Me
Good Morning, World from my corner of the world known as Seattle, Washington. Tonight I am on crisis coverage for work but thankfully, most if not all the calls happened earlier in the evening as well as earlier in the middle of the night. It is still the middle of the night here in Seattle and I am unable to sleep. If I can get to sleep it’s a light sleep or a sleep that wakes me up from a nightmare where I am crying, paralyzed from the body memories and scared shitless.
Honestly, part of me is glad I am on crisis coverage tonight for work but I am also thrilled that the calls have subsided a lot so I can refocus. Now lets hope I am not sticking my foot in my mouth and I get a shit ton of calls from clients and/or social workers from hospitals.
On a good note that is not too surprising Billie has been keeping company and giving me his undivided attention and of course his unconditional love. I love my Billie so very much and how he knows when I need the extra attention and love even when I can tell when he would rather have his own space. My cat truly knows how to take care of me and I hope he knows how much I truly love him. He is my best friend and yes animals can be best friends.
Speaking of friends, a friend introduced me to Diamond Art after she finished a piece for a mutual friend of ours. So, I ordered a bunch for myself and honestly got really frustrated and throughout the first two I started and gave up. Part of the reason is that I didn’t read the instructions and did not ask my friend questions. So, for the last week or so I have read the instructions and have been doing diamond art. I am finding it fun, frustrating, time consuming and a lot of progress. Which I can all correlate to not just my recovery but the recovery of other people. So, I decided to thank my friend tonight in the middle of the night on social media, specifically Facebook. My friend responded back asking if I would want to meet in the community room of our apartment building for a short while so she could give me some pointers on diamond art. I learned a lot from the education my friend gave me about Diamond Art. I love learning new things especially when it comes to creativity. I am great that this neighbor has become a great friend. After spending an hour together we came back upstairs to our own apartments.
When I got back to my apartment I was and am still feeling like harm by hitting a brick wall but I will not act on the urges of self harm especially since I am about to do a mindfulness meditation practice with my cat Billie in my lap as I do it through the Calm App.
On that note, I am going to hopefully get some sort of sleep after I am done writing this particular blog post. I don’t have much more to say except I am tired a fucking hell. I also want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!
Not the Best Night for Sleep for Me
Good Morning, World from Seattle. It is the middle of the night here in Seattle, Washington and I have not received much sleep tonight. Partly because I am on crisis coverage for work on the team I work on. There have been a handful of clients calling in crisis needing to talk and I totally understand. Life can and is challenging at times.
In fact life is challenging for me at the moment due to me dealing with my own type of crisis due to a recent trauma which is the other part of why I am unable to sleep. I am unable to sleep due to insomnia as well as PTSD symptoms such as nightmares which doesn’t help my depression whatsoever.
On that note since I have not been able to sleep due to being on crisis coverage or dealing with my own shit, I have been doing quite a bit. Lets start with the obvious of me spending time with my kitty cat, Billie. Not only do I love Billie but Billie provides unconditional love as well as helps me with mindfulness meditation practices.
Not only does Billie help me with mindfulness meditation practice, Billie also reminds me to do mindfulness meditation practice with the Calm App. I do several mindfulness meditations with the Calm App as well as with Billie and other ways I have learned to do mindfulness meditation practice.
Besides doing mindfulness meditation practices, I have been doing some art as well as some crafts. I have been doing art work by coloring as well as diamond art. The crafts I have been doing happen to be latch hook and cross stitching. Both diamond art and latch hook, I am finally sort of kind of getting the hang of it. I am really enjoying being able to do various types of arts and crafts.
I am also learning something else besides new types of arts and crafts. I am learning about Tarot and Tarot Cards by reading about it in a couple of books. Specifically books for beginners. I also have three sets of Tarot Cards as well as a Tarot Workbook. I also have three or four Tarot Card journals to put in my Tarot Card readings; specifically on myself and once I get comfortable with other people’s readings.
Since I mentioned journals and workbooks I got a couple of new journals I will start writing in. One of which will help me get myself out of my comfort zone. I also have several recovery workbooks, that I have had over the years and have never started and/or finished. So, It is my plan to not just work on the journal stuff along with the tarot stuff but the recovery workbook stuff as I feel like most everything I have mentioned has and will help me with my recovery. That includes working yesterday as well as being crisis coverage till eight in the morning Seattle time today (Monday).
Good thing I don’t have to work later today (Monday) like I normally do but I had three doctors appointments that were all sadly cancelled last Thursday and Friday. I do have a “fourth” appointment which is a follow up appointment due to a recent emergency room visit from self harming myself by hitting a brick wall. My hand still hurts like hell and the bruise is nastier than hell but at least the swelling is going down.
I do not have much more to discuss in this particular blog post. I am sorry it is such a long post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great Monday ahead as I have the day off even though I am going to see my doctor. Peace Out, World!!!
Weekly Plans
Sunday
- Walk
- Mindfulness Meditation practice via the Calm App
- Work
- Read a book about Tarot and Tarot Cards
- Do an art or craft project
- Cuddle time with my cat Billie (like I do every chance I get)
Monday
- Walk
- Mindfulness Medication practice with the Calm Ap
- Dermatology appointment
- Mammogram appointment
- Follow up appointment with regular doctor after self harm act last Wednesday that included an emergency room visit.
- Dinner with a friend
- An art or craft project
- Cuddle time with my cat, Billie (like I do every chance I can get)
Tuesday
- Walk
- Mindfulness Meditation practice with the Calm App
- Work
- Read a book about Tarot and Tarot Cards
- An art or craft project
- Cuddle time with my cat, Billie (like I do every chance I am able to get)
Wednesday
- Walk
- Mindfulness Meditation with the Calm App
- Work
- Read a book on Tarot and Tarot Cards
- An art or craft project
- Cuddle with my cat, Billie (like I do every chance I can get)
Thursday
- Walk
- Mindfulness Meditation practice with the Calm App
- Work
- Read a book on Tarot and Tarot Cards
- An art or craft project
- Cuddle time with my cat, Billie (like I do every chance I can get)
Friday
- Walk
- Mindfulness Meditation practice with the Calm App
- Chores (specifically cleaning my apartment with the help from someone my apartment management referred me to and it is free help)
- Read a book about Tarot and Tarot Cards
- Dinner with a friend
- An art or craft project
- Cuddle time with my cat, Billie (like I do every chance I can get)
Saturday
- Walk
- Mindfulness Meditation practice with the Calm App.
- Go to the U-District farmers market with a friend and have a wonderful breakfast sandwich from a local vendor.
- Do an art or craft project
- Read a book on Tarot and Tarot Cards
- Dinner with a friend
- Cuddle with my cat, Billie (like I do every chance I get)
Weekly Check In
Good Evening, World from Seattle, Washington!!! This week has been quite a week for me emotion wise especially when it comes to depression and PTSD related to recent traumas that triggered past traumas. Traumas that were brought up in therapy which will be discussed later in this blog post.
Anyway, I went to work last Sunday and did crisis coverage. I continued to due crisis coverage on Sunday night despite vomiting most of the night. Thankfully, I only received one crisis call that just needed some resources. Due to vomiting most of Sunday night, I didn’t go to work on Monday. I did go to work on Tuesday and Wednesday. I struggled both days with PTSD related shit which sucked. I missed work on Thursday due to being in the emergency room most of Wednesday night.
I was in the emergency room of a local hospital most of Wednesday night due to self harm reasons which is why I missed work on Thursday. The self harm act was that of me punching a brick wall several times. Thankfully, I didn’t break anything. All I ended up with was a very bruised and swollen hand. I am also thankful that I was not suicidal in anyway and was able make a solid safety plan. I was also able to have a telephone check in with my therapist later in the afternoon for about a half an hour.
As Friday goes, I dissociated a lot due to reasons I’d rather not discuss but I did inform my therapist what happened via email and during our session on Friday. Therapy was fucking hard yesterday (Friday). We discussed what happened yesterday morning and why I was dissociating a lot. I also shared a lot of scary shit as far as trauma goes that I experienced as a child. Shit that has been brought up by the recent trauma of being raped. My therapist showed a lot of compassion and empathy. She also allowed me a lot of space to share that hard shit which meant our session lasted an hour and a half instead of an hour.
As far as today has gone, I haven’t done much to report. I did go to the U-District Farmers Market and got an awesome breakfast sandwich which I have been doing every Saturday for the last four or five Saturdays now. I think I am going to make it a weekly thing for me every Saturday since the U-District is every Saturday year round.
As far as what I have been for myself self care wise this week since it has been quite challenging has varied. I of course have been spending some time with my beloved cat, Billie. I have also been doing daily mindfulness meditation practices. In fact, last week, I have been doing at least four a day. I have been using the Calm App for at least two of the daily mindfulness meditation practices while other practices have been on my own or with others. I also have been doing a lot of art work. I have been doing various forms of art work such as coloring and diamond art. I also have been doing various types of crafts which include latch hook and cross stitching. I also have been doing a lot of reading books. Reading has been quite helpful with dealing with my PTSD.
That’s it for my weekly check in. Have a great weekend!!! Peace Out, World!!!
A Bit Of A Set Back
Hello, World from Seattle in the middle of the night. I am tired as hell because I have been in the emergency room due to self harm. I punched a brick wall in the emergency stair well of my apartment building. Thankfully, nothing is broken and my hand is just extremely bruised and swollen. I am now home from the emergency room. I am NOT suicidal nor was I when I was self harmed. The doctors and the social worker were cool and supportive as well as appeared to understand why I self harmed. I self harmed because the PTSD symptoms from the recent sexual assault were bad which triggered other PTSD symptoms from other traumas I experienced throughout my life. I did a safety plan with the doctors and social worker.
Now that I am home and not at all ready to go to bed despite being tired I plan on doing my safety plan. I of course spent time with my cat, Billie who is currently curled up in my lap purring as I think he is happy for me to be home. In fact my hand is hurting as I type this blog but I can deal with it especially since I received some powerful pain medicine. Plus, my cat, Billie is helping me not focus on the pain.
I think if I can tolerate the pain in my hand, I will try to do some art work. Specifically, I will color. I will also attempt to do some diamond art as well. Not only that I will do some dot to dots if my pain doesn’t get too bad. It’s cool that they have adult dot to dots.
I think I will also attempt to do some crafts. One craft I will attempt to do but might not be able to do so if my hand hurts too badly is cross stitching. I love to cross stitch. Another craft I can do and learning how to do it is latch hook. I don’t really need to use my bad hand to latch hook.
Of course I will be listening to music if I am doing any art work or crafting. Music helps me be creative and also helps me deal with my emotions.
If crafting or art work is something that I cannot do due to my self harm injury of punching a brick wall I can always read. Reading helps me refocus if I am reading non fiction and it also helps me get out of my own reality if I am reading fiction.
I of course will be getting some sleep tonight. I just don’t know when at the moment. Due to the current lack of sleep, I did text and email my supervisors that I will not be into work later today. I am sure they won’t be too happy about it but the doctors and social worker think I should let my hand heal a little bit especially since Thursdays are my Fridays and my weekends are Fridays and Saturdays. I love my job and wish I could go to work later today but since part of my job is writing (typing) notes, it is best to give my hand a rest even though I am typing this blog post.
Before I go to sleep I plan on doing a mindfulness meditation with the Calm App. The Calm App is amazing and I appreciate being able to use it to help me with my everyday life as well as my recovery with my mental health challenges.
I do not have much more to say in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!
Mixtures of Emotions of Not Going to Work Today
Good Afternoon, World from Seattle!!! Right now I am having some mixed emotions about not going to work today as I don’t start work till 12:00noon on Mondays and it is 2:22pm in the afternoon. I didn’t go to work due to vomiting most of last night which is most likely due to food poisoning. Not only my depression and PTSD is severely acting up. Going to work when my mental health challenges are acting up seems to help when I am at work as I am not focusing on my own shit. I love my job and love helping the clients I serve as well as helping out my colleagues.
To catch you up from my last blog post, I ended up doing a mindfulness meditation with the Calm App with my cat Billie, on my lap purring. I think he gets as much of the Calm App as I do. I am grateful that Billie, my cat joins me with my mindfulness meditation with the Calm App a good eighty percent of the time. In fact even when I don’t do the Calm App, I still am able to do mindfulness meditation with Billie my cat when he lays on my lap and purrs. It’s amazing how both the Calm App and my cat, Billie help me with my mindfulness meditation practices.
After doing mindfulness meditation practices, I ended up going back to sleep since I woke up pretty early and vomited most of the night. I must have needed the sleep as I think I still need the sleep because I am still tired as hell. I think the lack of sleep was a combination of vomiting most of the night as well as insomnia and PTSD symptoms related to the most recent trauma I experienced as well as other past traumas I experienced in the past as child and young adult.
So, enough about other boring crap and back to more boring shit. When I woke up from a nap, I decided to make sure I ate some lunch. As I tend to not eat due to trauma related shit as well as being depressed. I really think the PTSD and trauma is what is causing the depression symptoms which highly sucks shit. After eating, I took a shower which helped me feel slightly better but not better enough to feel like going to work would be helpful for me, my clients or my colleagues.
As much as I wish I felt well enough to go to work as it could be helpful but I am partially happy that I didn’t go. My plan for today is to do some arts and crafts while listening to music. One of the art projects I plan on doing is coloring and of course while listening to music. Another art project I will attempt to do is Diamond Art while listening to music. I am also planning on doing craft projects that include Latch Hook and Cross Stitch. Of course music will be playing in the background.
In fact everything, I am doing today is a part of my DBT Skills. DBT skills help me a great deal when I don’t sleep well as well as when my PTSD, Trauma issues and Depression happens to be acting up. I would be lying if I told you that I wasn’t struggling with self harm because I am. That is why I am planning on doing everything I mention in this particular blog post but will not self harm.
I don’t have much more to discuss in this particular blog post except that spending time with my cat Billie, doing mindfulness meditation practices and being creative will be quite helpful for me. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!
Too Early To Be Awaken on My Weekend
Good Morning, World!!! As I start this particular post it is exactly 3:45 in the blasted morning on a Friday morning in Seattle. A Friday that is considered my weekend as Friday’s and Saturdays are my weekend. It is too early to be up this early during my weekend and it sucks shit. I woke up due to the fact of an extreme nightmare that consisted of body memories that make it feel like not just the most recent trauma happened but past traumas happened all at the same time. Having nightmares that include body memories are not the easiest thing to deal with especially so early in the morning.
Sadly, my PTSD symptoms are increasing my depression symptoms. Increased depression means that I have to be more intuned with myself regarding self harm urges as well as making sure that I don’t become suicidal. Thankfully, I am currently not suicidal. Sadly, I do have some self harm urges but at least they are at a manageable level. A level where I can create my own safety plan without the help of others such as friends or my mental health treatment team with the exception of my beloved cat, Billie as Billie helps a great deal with my safety planning.
I think I will start my safety plan with some mindfulness meditation to help me get into a better head space to help me with the rest of my safety plan.
As of right now, I think I will work on some artwork. Specifically, the artwork I will be working on is some coloring. Coloring is a great way to help me relax and focus on something creative that will help me do something more challenging to do when I am currently in the head space that I am currently in especially when I listen to music as I color. Music and coloring appear to be helpful together for me to refocus. So, I am hoping that as I color and listen to music with my cat laying by my side I can get into the mindset of reading a novel I am reading.
The novel I am currently reading is The Sorority Murder by Allison Brennan. So, far it is keeping my attention especially when I am in an okay head space. I highly recommend the book. I am really enjoying this book and encourage you to read the book.
In all honesty I hope I can get back to sleep due to the insomnia that is caused by stupid ass PTSD symptoms and I really hope my safety plan will help with me falling back to sleep. At least I know my cat is quite helpful with helping me sleep.
I do not have much more to discuss in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog as if it was not for you my reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you read my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a good Friday ahead of them. Peace Out, World.
Everyday Inspiration, Day 1; I Write Because….
There are many reasons why I write. As far as the reasons I write my blog, let go back to why I started to blog and continue to do so. I started this blog for two main reasons. The first reason is to give hope to those who have not yet made the choice to be in recovery or struggling in their recovery and to remind people who are in recovery that they are not alone as I am in recovery. The second reason why I write this blog is to show those people people who do not have a mental health diagnosis and/or addiction that folks who do struggle with such issues can and do live productive lives however it looks to that individual.
There is a third and very unexpected reason why I blog. When I started writing it was to help other know that they are not alone and let people who don’t struggle that we are just like everyone else. Little did I know that blogging would help with my own recovery and I am so grateful for that.
Now you all know why I write my blog. I hope you continue you to read my blog.
Just a rambling of a post
Happy Friday, Everyone. Well at least it is still is here in Seattle for another few minutes. My depression is action up and at least I know my meds are work for my depression. I just need to use the skills in my tool box and WRAP plan the help lessen the depression. In fact Billie, my cat is helping with my depression.
Sadly, depression is increasing my self harm urges is why I am focusing on my self care plan. My self-care play is to continue to listen to music and do art. Also I will be going to a street fair tomorrow (Saturday). The last time this street fair happened was in 2019 and was cancelled in 2020 and 2021 due to Covid019. I’m looking forward to attending.
As far as my self harm urges, I plan on working on my skills to keep myself sane. Of course Billie will be a big help with that.
I don’t have much more to say except thank you for reading my blog. I hope everyone has a great weekend. Peace Out!!!
Gertie's Journey 
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