Tag Archives: Sexual Abuse

Book Review on: The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn R. Saks

Posted on by Gertie

     Hey! I finally finished the book The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness, by Elyn R. Saks. I am going to give you a book review on the book. I have never done a book review in my life unless of course if you count book reports that you had to do in elementary school and junior high. I hope that the following review gives some insight of mental illness and hope of some sort of recovery for those of us who struggle with mental illness.

     The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn R. Saks in my opinion is an extremely good book. It kept my attention and that is difficult to do especially since one of my many struggles happens to be ADHD. Well, the book is a memoir of Ms. Saks life and her struggles with Schizophrenia. Ms. Saks is an accomplished woman. She graduated from Vanderbilt, Oxford and Yale Law School and doing all that in the height of her illness. She is a professor at USC school of law. The book is her journey to a life worth living for her and in her terms. Its very inspiring. She is what “society” views as a success. I hope that one day I can be a success in societies eyes like her even though my career path is not like hers and my educational path is nowhere close to hers. That’s okay because everybody’s path is different. I highly encourage you all to read it. It is my opinion that it would be a condition of employment if you work with people who struggle with mental illness. Ms. Saks gives insight that no text book can ever do. 

     This book gives me hope for my own recovery with my mental illness even though I don’t struggle with Schizophrenia. I hope that if a person who struggles with mental illness reads the book that they can get hope from it as well. It is also my hope that the book gives some insight about someone’s struggles with mental illness to those who don’t struggle with one as well as those who work with those who struggle with one. It’s not easy dealing with a mental illness and the stigma that goes along with that doesn’t make it any easier.

     I don’t think my book review is all that great but the book is absolutely amazing. It’s a must read. Now that I am done with the review I will end this blog entry for now. Have a good evening everyone and enjoy the rest of your Wednesday. Peace out everyone.

A Wonderful Tuesday With My Boyfriend

Posted on by Gertie

     Hey! It’s another Tuesday and I’ve pretty much figured out ways to keep myself busy. My boyfriend of course has been and is included with those plans. For instance we went to the movies. We ended up seeing the movie Neighbors. I highly recommend it. I just wouldn’t take my grandparent to it. If you a person of faith you might get offended easily. It is funny as hell. I definitely need a good laugh and seeing the movie Neighbors helped a great deal. I didn’t realize how much I needed a good laugh until the movie was over. Laughter has been a great stress relief for me in my everyday life as well as dealing with my mental illness. I’m glad that the ticket dude at the movie theater suggested that we see Neighbors. I encourage you all to go see it.

     After the movie was over my boyfriend wanted to pick up a couple of books that he ordered a few weeks ago. While at the bookstore I picked up a box set of jigsaw puzzles. The box set has four 500 piece jigsaw puzzles in it. I love to do puzzles. The funny thing is that my boyfriend and I didn’t realize that the other enjoyed jigsaw puzzles until we started dating and at that point in time we had known each other for 13 years. (Side Note: We have now known each other for 14 years and that includes dating that last year.) Doing jigsaw puzzles with my boyfriend is one of the things we do on the regular basis. When we do puzzles we end up making it a date night and have dinner as well. If we do a puzzle at his place then he makes dinner and if we do a puzzle at my place then I make dinner. Anyway after we picked up books for him and ultimately puzzles for the both of us we headed back to his place.

     Now that we are at his place I am blogging as he fixes us dinner. He is fixing ham, homemade mac & cheese, and corn on the cob with freshly squeezed lemonade. For dessert I made brownies. Oh how I love chocolate. After dinner we are going to watch a couple of documentaries I rented from a mom and pop video store. My boyfriend and might even start on one of the puzzles I bought today. I love the fact that my boyfriend and I have so much more in common that we both realized.

     I have been long winded with this particular blog entry and am going to finish it here shortly. Everything I have mentioned in this particular blog entry are things that help me maintain my mental illness. To tell you the truth in the height of my struggles with my mental health issues I don’t think I would have been able to truly enjoy myself and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn’t personally be able to handle being in a romantic relationship. My boyfriend is extremely supportive of my and my mental health issues.

     Like I said earlier I have been long winded with this blog entry. Since dinner is not quite finished yet I am going to read the book I am still reading; The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn R. Saks. I am really enjoying this book. Well I am going to end now. Have a good evening all.

YIPPEE IT’S MONDAY!!!!

Posted on by Gertie

     YIPPEE IT’S MONDAY!!!! (Stop your moaning, Mondays are my Fridays.) Now that I’ve got your attention with the title of the this particular blog entry lets get on to a serious topic of religion and mental illness and my personal experience with it. The particular religion I will be talking about is my experience with Christianity. My intent is not to speak ill of Christianity but to make those who are Christians aware of the type of harm you may be doing without meaning to. I do realize that there are those “Christians” that realize what they are doing and this blog is for them as well as those who don’t realize what harm they maybe doing. I’m also hoping that pastors read this particular post in hopes that they can maybe have sermon on judgment, healing and mental illness. Now with that being said let me get on to what I want to discuss regarding mental illness and Christianity.

     At one point in time I considered myself a Christian. I now consider myself Agnostic. I believe that their is a higher power whomever he, she or they may be. I became Agnostic because of how I was treated at a number of different Christian Churches. Anytime I go into a church and wear short sleeve shirts that’s when the Calgary comes barging in. See, I use to cut myself in the height of my struggles with mental illness and have scars on my arms. I’ve been told that I need to go to healing service’s to have demon’s prayed out of me. I’ve been told that I was NOT welcomed because they don’t allow “crazy people” at their church. My response to that was and still is, “Didn’t Jesus say come as you are?” The response varies from person to person as well as church to church. I’ve also had people tell me that I didn’t have enough faith because if I did then I would have been healed from my mental illness. How in the hell do they know how much faith I do or do not have. They don’t know what’s in my heart or mind. I even had one pastor tell me that I couldn’t attend their church until they were able to talk to my therapist and that was the first time I even attended that church. I never went back to that particular church.

    The thing that made me loose my faith in Jesus was a particular incident that happened. See I was dating a guy from the church I was regularly attending. I ended up getting date r*p*d by this guy. I do have to say that he had a psychotic break when he r*p*d me. When the pastors of the church got wind of this, they asked me to not prosecute him because it would ruin his life. The pastors also said that they would pay for his attorneys and make sure that his newly found illness would get him off and use my illness against me. They also said they would take it to the media. Due past trauma in my childhood and camera’s them threatening going to the media is what got me to NOT prosecute. I don’t like camera’s of any kind. The pastors told me that it was my fault that I caused him to not only r*p* me but that he had a psychotic break. Yes, I realize that it’s NOT my fault but it felt like my fault for the longest time.

     Now that you all know why I lost my faith, I want Christians to realize what they say and do to anyone especially those with mental illness can determine weather or not they believe in Jesus. I personally think the r*p*  would have not been an issue of me loosing my faith in Jesus if it were not for my previous experiences with various different Christian churches. Like I said I’m not trying to speak ill of all Christians or churches. Some of my closest friends are Christians. I just want to educate Christians that the mentally ill go to Church like the rest of you. People who struggle with mental illness are searching for what you are searching for. My goal here is to not offend but to educate.

    I have come to terms with the r*p* with a great deal of therapy. I am now trying to come to terms on what spirituality looks for me now. Spirituality is another strong component in recovery with mental illness. Like I said earlier, I am Agnostic. I believe that their is some higher being out there guiding me. Not sure who he, she or they are but I know that there is some higher spirit out there.

    Well, its time to end this entry and hope that this blog entry does not cause a debate. This entry is to educate Christians about the judgments they have toward the mentally ill. Yes, I know they are human like me but telling them your judgments and not educating yourselves about mental illness does more harm than good. Have a good evening all.

Using Mindfulness While Gettting Ready For Work

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s another Sunday. That means I’m not only getting ready for work but getting into the mindset to work. For some reason my anxiety is giving me some difficulty at the moment. Not sure why it is. That’s why I’m using mindfulness. Mindfulness is a useful tool for anyone to use even if you don’t have anxiety problems or other mental health issues. I also did some meditation. Meditation helps me a great deal even though its not an easy thing for me to do. Well, I best be going. I need to finish getting ready for work. Have a great day everyone.

Boyfriend, Brother and Books

Posted on by Gertie

     Hey! It’s a beautiful sunny Saturday where I live. After I got home from work I received a text from my boyfriend, seeing if I wanted to do something. I of course said yes. He came and picked me up and we went to a local park that has a lake and we had a picnic. He made some fried chicken, potato salad and chocolate chip cookies for us to eat our picnic. It was all really delicious. After we ate we walked around the lake which 3.3 miles. We of course held hands. I honestly thought I would never fall in love because of the struggles I have with having a mental illness. My boyfriend a normie. A normie is a normal person. In my opinion it takes a great deal of strength on his part to be my partner. I’ve known my boyfriend for 14 years now but we have only been dating for a year. He has been a great support for me over the years and is a pretty amazing dude. I know without a shadow of doubt that if I didn’t choose to be in recovery I would not be in a positive romantic relationship at the moment.

     After our time at the park my boyfriend dropped me off at my place where I decided to call my lil brother. He is a sweet kid even though he is a grown man. Despite our 11 year age difference we are close. I like to call him two or three times a week to check up on him. I check up on him because he has his own struggles with a disability or two. I still haven’t asked him if I can tell you all what his disabilities are. I think the reason why I haven’t is because I am being the protective older sister. That’s why I haven’t shared his name with you. I’m debating if I want to use his real name if I have his permission or a pseudonym. In all honesty I probably will end up using a pseudonym for his protection. My brother means the world to me. He is the only family member I trust with my life. My brother is one of the funniest people I know. He should be a stand up comedian.

     So after talking with my lil brother, I picked up the book I am currently reading and read a couple of chapters. I’m still reading the memoir, The Center Cannot Hold; My Journey Through Madness, by Elyn R. Saks. It’s about her struggle with schizophrenia and how she managed to get her education at three of the most prestigious colleges in the world. I don’t want to give too much away. I’m almost done with the book. I have only about a hundred pages left and am kind of sad that I am almost finished with it. Whenever I end a book if feel like I’m saying goodbye. I’m not to keen on goodbyes. For me reading helps me a great especially if I am struggling. Thankfully I am not struggling at the moment but I do read on the regular basis because I enjoy it immensely. Elyn R. Saks story is extremely inspirational.

     I hope that someday I can be an inspiration to others like Elyn R. Saks is to me and many others. Elyn R. Saks is also in recovery from mental illness. I started this blog in hopes that I can show others struggling with mental illness that recovery is possible. I also hope that normies (or “normal” people) can see that people with mental illness are just like. I hope that I can change someone’s negative thoughts toward the mentally ill to become neutral or positive because I was to eliminate the stigma of mental illness.

    I’m wanting to get back to reading so I’m going to end this blog entry for now. I hope you have a good Saturday evening and enjoy whatever you are doing at the moment. Peace Out.

Finding The Humor In Things

Posted on by Gertie

     Happy Friday!! Well, Happy Friday to those who happen to be lucky enough have the weekends off. Unfortunately, Fridays are my Mondays. As you can tell I worked today. As I told you in an earlier blog I work at a national chain grocery store. Well, for some reason they wanted me to clean the cart corals. You know those things in the parking lot of grocery stores where you put your carts in after you’re done unloading your groceries. Well, when my assistant manager told me that corporate wanted me to clean them and clean them with bleach I laughed and said “you gotta be kidding me.” He shook his and said he wasn’t joking. I told him that I would do it but I didn’t see the point in cleaning them especially since they are outside. He didn’t see the point either but was only relaying the message. Come on, don’t I have better things to do like help customers. What in the world is corporate thinking? If they want those cart corals cleaned then why don’t they come to the store level and do it themselves. To tell you the truth I think it’s kind of funny that corporate it want me to do this. The customers even thought is was funny. Some of them even asked if they could take a picture of me and put it up on Facebook because it’s so ridiculous. I don’t like having pictures taken of my but in this case I made an exception. The two reasons why I was even willing to clean the cart corals was because of it being so humorous and it’s nice outside.

     I think humor plays a big part of my recovery. No, I don’t think in plays a big part in my recovery, I KNOW it plays a MAJOR part in my recovery. If I didn’t have my humor then I would have completely lost my mind all together and I sure in the hell wouldn’t be in recovery.

     I should end this blog entry for now. I hope that I was able to give you the reader/follower at least a little chuckle if not full fledged laugh out loud moment. I’m all for finding the humor in things. Have a good afternoon everyone.

Not In My Ideal Job

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Thursday!!! As you all know it’s Thursday and that means most people are getting excited about the weekend. I don’t get excited about weekend because I work the weekends. I’m not trying to sound like I am complaining because as much as I dislike my current employment, I really do enjoy being able to work. I realize that there are people who are not able to work due to their disability. I guess I’m just frustrated with myself because I’m stuck in a job that is that is not personally going anywhere for me and my career path.

I know that I am meant to be a peer support specialist/peer counselor. I have applied to five places and out of those five places, I got four job interviews and no job offers. I am beyond grateful that I even got an interview much less four. I know that many people don’t have those kind of odds. I’m having anxiety that I wont get a job as a peer support specialist/peer counselor because of not getting any job offers. I just to need to realize that I’m lucky that I got four job interviews out of the five places I applied to.

This is the typical anxiety I go through almost on the daily basis. I have a lot of self doubt about myself and my abilities. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I wasn’t in recovery with my mental illness that I wouldn’t be having self doubt or doubting my abilities. My recovery means the world to me and if self doubting and doubting my abilities is one of my biggest struggles with mental illness then I will take it. Its better than how I used to be when I was at my worst.

Speaking of recovery, I need to get going. I have to get ready to go to my therapy session. I am grateful that I have such a great therapist who is more than willing to be invested in my recovery process. Well I best be going now. Have a good Thursday. I hope to blog later on today. Enjoy the rest of your morning everyone.

A Little Insight Of What I Am Passionate About.

Posted on by Gertie

Hey! It’s another Wednesday and it’s absolutely beautiful outside. It’s been a trying day but I muddled through and took care of the situation that made the day trying. With that being said my day has been an overall good despite the trying moment I dealt with earlier.

I had good time at my volunteer job today. I volunteer at a homeless shelter that specializes it dealing with the those who are the most severely disabled by mental illness and/or addictions to drugs and/or alcohol. I enjoy it. In fact homelessness is becoming one of my passions. What I mean by that is I want to help those who are chronically homeless and struggle with mental illness and/or addiction issues. In fact I’m starting to do my own research on mental illness and homelessness and the effects it has on society. I’m also looking into the effect that being homeless has on a persons mental illness. No, I’m not doing this for school or work. I’m doing it to increase my knowledge and maybe gain some wisdom and insight. I another reason why I am passionate about homelessness is because I was homeless myself at one point in time. Thankfully, it was a short period of my life and was only for a short period of time. I am hoping that one day that I can be an advocate for the mentally ill as well as the homeless and intertwine the two. I’m hoping that maybe my personal research can affect people in positive way and maybe change some laws.

Speaking of politics, I’m starting to realize that I want to start volunteering in it again. I use to volunteer in politics and absolutely loved it. I enjoy having healthy debated related to politics. I also like learning how bills may or may not pass in the house and senate. I’m thinking that maybe getting involved more with my union will be a get start in getting involved with politics again. If I really look deep inside of myself I am passionate about politics as well.

As I sit here writing this blog I realize that I shared with you some things that I am passionate about. I also realize that the things that I’ve shared with you regarding what I am passionate about can go hand in hand. I have many other passions and most of them are intertwined and go hand in hand. I don’t have the time at the moment to share with you my other passions but hopefully I will be able to share them with you soon.

Well like I just said I don’t have much more time to continue this particular blog entry and wish you all well. I hope you all have a good evening, night or day for whatever part of the world you maybe in.

It’s Been A Good Tuesday

Posted on by Gertie

Hey!! It’s another Tuesday!! Today, didn’t start off in the most desirable way. I woke up with a nightmare. Not the way anyone wants to start off their day. Apparently and unfortunately it was a screaming nightmare. I found this out when the police showed up at my door. Once again, I was highly embarrassed that they were called and that I disturbed my neighbors again due to the PTSD I struggle with on the daily (and nightly) basis. The police did their jobs and thanked me for understanding. When the police left, I decided to stay up and get ready for the day.

As I was getting ready for my day my boyfriend called me to make plans for the day. I was more than pleased that we made plans because having such a rude awaking from a nightmare can cause my day to be rocky. We made plans to meet up Downtown to have lunch after his doctors appointment. So I met up with my boyfriend and we decided to go to Johnny Rockets. I love the atmosphere of Johnny Rockets and their food is absolutely awesome. I had the Houston while my boyfriend had the Smoke House Double and we shared a Chocolate Shake. As, we ate we made plans to do with the rest of our day.

After we ate we walked around the Downtown area of the city we live in. We decided to go into Barnes & Noble to look around. There I bought three books. In fact all three book are classics and I personally think they are books that I should have been assigned to read in school despite being in a special education English class. (Don’t get me started on the education I received in high school or the lack there of it.) It is my humble opinion that even though I was in a Special Ed English class I should have been required to read the three books that I bought today. The books I bought today are: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens and A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. I love to read and enjoy it immensely despite having dyslexia and other reading issues. After buying books we decided to come home to his place.

When we arrived to his place we worked on a jigsaw puzzle together. We both love to do jigsaw puzzles. After that we both decided to read. I of course picked up the book that I am currently reading. The that I am reading is The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn R. Saks. The book is a memoir of Elyn R. Saks life. She writes about her struggle with Schizophrenia and her struggle with the illness as well as her recovery and how her education helped her through her struggle. While I was reading my mom called from my little brother’s place.

When my mom calls that means it’s 6pm on Tuesday. I had to set a specific time for her to call because she would (and still tries to) call me multiple times a day. I talked with her. Thankfully, she wasn’t as full as drama as she usually is. I think the reason being is because she was over at my little brother place. My little brother and I extremely close despite our 11 year age difference. He is my hero. He too struggles with his own disabilities but I wont share them here unless I have his permission. Since my mom was at my brothers place I talked to him as well. I love his sense of humor. After about an hour of talking to my mom and brother I decided to call my dad and talked with him for about a half an hour.

After my conversation ended with my dad at 7:30pm (Pacific Time), Josh asked what I wanted to eat. We agreed on Spaghetti, so he is started fixing dinner as I blog. The spaghetti sure smells great. My boyfriend is an awesome cook. His food is almost as good as my grandmas food. Of course nobodies food is ever as good as grandmas food. Well I better end this entry and help my boyfriend finish dinner since it is now 8:07pm (Pacific Time). Have good rest of your evening, night or day wherever you maybe in the world.

The Typical Week For Me

Posted on by Gertie

Hey!! Happy Monday! I just want to share with you guys what a typical week looks like for me. I’m doing this in hopes to have you the reader/follower get to know me better especially since I am new to the blogging thing. It is my goal for this particular entry to show “normal” people that they encounter people who struggle with mental illness on the daily basis even if they may not be aware of it. Mental illness is a hidden disability that many “normal” people don’t realize that they encounter people who struggle with a mental illness while they are going about their daily activities. I also hope that this post can show “normal” people that people who live with a mental illness are not lazy and live a productive life. Another goal for this particular entry it to show those who struggle with a mental illness that recovery is possible and that their is hope.

SIDE NOTE (info relevant for this post):

I work at a major grocery store chain as a courtesy clerk. A courtesy clerk is a bagger or box boy or in my case a box woman. A courtesy clerk bags groceries, cleans, brings in the carts, helps customers out to their cars, price checks, helps customers find items and is basically the peon of the store and gets all the disgusting jobs to do. All times I post are Pacific Time.

For me this is what a typical week looks like.

SUNDAY:

On Sundays, I sleep in and take it easy in the morning. As of lately I’ve been working the early afternoon to evening shift at work. Most Sundays I’m the closing courtesy clerk. Closing courtesy clerks tend to have more responsibilities than other courtesy clerks do. My Sunday afternoon/evening shifts are usually my longest shifts and they seem to go by more quickly than my other shifts at work. The reason being is because that’s when the particular store I work at is the busiest with customers.

MONDAY:

I am the opening courtesy clerk on Mondays. Opening courtesy clerks have the most responsibility than the other courtesy clerks including the closing courtesy clerks. I am usually off by 11am on Mondays which is great because Mondays happen to be my Fridays. When everyone else dreads Mondays, I look forward to them. When I get off on Mondays, I go home and watch the 12noon news and have a small snack. I also use Monday afternoons to make doctor appointments since it is the start of my weekend. I also usually do my laundry on Mondays so I can just get it out of the way and enjoy my weekend.

TUESDAY:

Tuesdays are the days I don’t have anything scheduled or planned. I keep Tuesdays open to do errands if I have any to do as well as to make appointments for the dentist or doctor. Most Tuesdays I end up with nothing scheduled or planned and that’s not always a good thing especially when its a difficult time of year for me regarding my particular diagnosis of the mental illness I deal with. That’s why I end up doing things I enjoy. When the weather is good I usually go someplace where I can be outside preferably by a body of water. That way I can people watch or read. Most of the time I end up reading and on occasion I cross-stitch. Yes, I cross-stitch. I also go to a local comic book store and get the latest Wonder Woman issue. If I already have the issue, I look around and get an issue that I don’t have. If the weather is not so good, I end up doing indoor things such as going to the movies or going to Gameworks. Gameworks is an arcade. I also usually do my weekly grocery shopping done on Tuesday. I also talk to my mother at 6pm every Tuesday. I had give her some boundaries on when she could call me for reasons you will find out in later blogs.

WEDNESDAYS:

Mornings are usually nice and relaxing. My boyfriend and I go and have lunch with one or both of his parents. There are times where both of his parents are working but that’s rare. Even when my boyfriend is working I go and have lunch with his parents. After lunch I go volunteer at a local homeless shelter. There is the occasional Wednesday morning that I will go see my psychiatrist or in my case psychiatric ARNP. After my volunteer job I go to local mom and pop video rental store and rent movies to watch throughout the week. It’s 2 for 1 meaning rent 2 movies for the price of 1.

THURSDAYS:

Thursday mornings are sometimes high anxiety for me because I see my therapist in the early afternoon for an hour. Although, the next two months or so the day I see my therapist is going to change I am already thinking of what to schedule for Thursdays. Since, Thursday mornings are sometimes anxiety provoking my boyfriend and I go walking around a local man-built lake which is 3.3 miles around. We even do it on Thursdays my boyfriend have to work. I then head off to my appointment. Before my appointment I eat lunch at nearby salad place where my appointment is. After my therapy appointment I usually take it easy because therapy and talking about shit is not easy.

FRIDAYS:

I work Fridays. In fact once again I am the opening courtesy clerk. When most everyone else gets excited about Fridays, I dread them because they are my Mondays. I am usually of no later than 1pm on Fridays. Friday evenings I end up going to dinner parties at friends places when I am not hosting them at my place or my boyfriends place.

SATURDAYS:

I again work on Saturdays and once again I am the opening courtesy clerk. I’m usually off by 12:30pm. After work on Saturdays, I usually go to lunch with an old high school friend who teaches high school English. It’s always nice to hang out with good friends.

EVERYDAY:

There are things that I do everyday that I did not mention in the particular days. I spend an hour everyday practicing my flute. I also spend about 45minutes teaching myself how to play the harmonica. I read about 3 to 7 chapters(depending the length) a day in the book I happen to be reading as well as at least 1 comic book. I cross-stitch at least a 1/2 an hour a day.

I hope that my goals for this blog become successful. I also hope that I have shown to “normal” people that they come into contact mentally ill people everyday who don’t appear or act “crazy.” I am sorry that I was so long winded. Have a good Monday everyone.