Tag Archives: Depression

Holding On To Hope Like My Life Depends On It

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I’m sitting here at my laptop realizing that due to the lack of structure I’ve had today is making the symptoms of my depression increase. Even though its ever so slightly. Depression sucks shit yet I’m still holding on to the hope that I finally got back. Holding on to it like my life depends on it because it does.

Something that helps me with hope is music. So most of today, I’ve been listening music. If I wasn’t listening to it, I was playing my flute or harmonica. For some reason I needed to depend on music to help me through.

Listening to music helped get into a creative mindset to where I did some art. I did some collaging and coloring. I also did some painting. It appears with all the collaging, coloring and painting I’ve been doing I can create my own art gallery in my apartment. The picture below is the most recent painting I did today.

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After doing some art I read Ship of Magic by Robin Hobb. If you’re a Science Fiction or Fantasy genre fan I truly believe you will like this book. Its the first book in The Liveships Trader’s Trilogy. I read several chapters today and needed to take a break from it for a few moments.

Those few moments of breaking from reading turned in a couple of hours. A couple of hours updating my resume’ and cover letter so I could apply for jobs. I did in fact apply for jobs. I even got a response back today to have a phone interview on Tuesday. Its hard to believe I have an interview for Tuesday.

After updating my cover letter and resume’ I realized I wanted to look at some educational opportunities. So, I emailed and called a few folks about the educational opportunities and still waiting to hear back.

Thank you for reading. I hope everyone has a good rest of their day. Peace Out, World.

 

Slightly Struggling in Seattle

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I am struggling at the moment. I’m struggling with self harm urges. I WILL NOT ACT ON MY URGES TO SELF HARM!!! (I AM NOT SUICIDAL!!!) I am struggling because of my Depression and PTSD symptoms. Symptoms I talked to Gilbert about in my session with him today. I’m starting to trust him which is a major deal since he identifies as male. I usually have trouble trusting men especially in the therapeutic relationship.

Gilbert and myself came up with a safety plan. One of the items on the safety plan is blogging. Blogging is quite helpful for me. It helps me get out of my own head.

Gets me out of my head enough to focus on art work. I’m going be focusing on coloring today since I got a new coloring book today. I also have colored pencils I haven’t used yet due to waiting for this coloring book.

Coloring helps me focus to where I will be able to read. I’ll most likely  be reading Ship of Magic by Robin Hobb. I’m really loving the book. If you are a Sci Fi and/or Fantasy genre fan I highly recommend it.

Now that I’ve told you my safety plan, I’m going to go and eat. I want to reassure you that; I’M NOT SUICIDAL & WON’T ACT ON MY URGES TO SELF HARM. I hope everyone has a good evening and good week. Peace Out, World.

Plans For The Day

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I didn’t get much sleep last night for various reasons. One of those reasons was due to PTSD. When I woke up this morning I realized my Depression symptoms are worse which I contribute to the lack of sleep.

Due to my symptoms acting up because of the lack of sleep, I realize that I need to make plans for the day. Plans the will keep me safe as well as busy and being a homebody. Being a homebody every once in a while is a good thing just as long as I make sure it doesn’t lead into isolation.

One of the things I do when I am being a homebody for the day is stay in my pajamas. Thankfully, I’m in the pajamas I don’t give a shit if I get paint on. I say this because I am planning on doing some art. One of the forms of art I plan on doing is painting. I am also planning on doing some collaging and coloring. All three art forms are helpful for me to decrease my symptoms of both Depression and PTSD.

Another thing that is helpful for me to decrease my symptoms is reading. I’m planning on reading Ship of Magic by Robin Hobb. So far I’m enjoying the book and am on chapter 8. Another thing I plan on reading are comic books. Specifically, Wonder Woman comic books.

Speaking of books I am planning on doing my workbook. I am learning quite a bit about myself, sexual orientation, gender ideation and most importantly resiliency. It’s also quite challenging for me as well. If a workbook isn’t challenging for me then I don’t find them as helpful as for me as ones that are challenging. It being challenging for me is why I am liking the workbook. It means its going to be helpful.

Another thing that is going to be helpful for me is something that is going to happen this evening.  That something is that I am having two of my closest friends come over to watch some movies. We are going to be watching movies and eating a bunch of junk food. My friends and I are all responsible for some of the food.

Speaking of food, I need to get going to buy what I need for this evening. I hope everyone has a peaceful and restful Sunday. Peace Out, World!!!

A Ray of Hope

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I haven’t had the opportunity to blog for the last week due to the fact I was voluntarily admitted to a local psych hospital. I went and saw my Psychiatric ARNP as well as my temporary Therapist on Wednesday, January 3rd and everyone, including myself, agreed that I needed to be hospitalized. I desperately needed that help I received at the hospital and am grateful for it.  I got discharged Thursday, January 11th and am feeling quite hopeful.

After spending one week and one day in the hospital I have a ray of hope even two days after discharge. For me having some hope is better than having no hope at all. I started off this year with no hope and after a short stay in a psych hospital, I finally have the hope I’ve been searching for since late 2016ish.

Before I end this post, I am beyond grateful that 2018 is starting out better than last year. Yes, I had to spend a week in the hospital due to being severely depressed while having hallucinations of voices that nobody else could hear and being suicidal however I have hope. Hope that will help me get through this year.

I hope that you all have good rest of your evening. Have a great weekend! Peace Out, World!!!

There Is No Place Like Home

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! Right now I’m having some difficulties with a number of symptoms from the various mental health challenges I struggle with. I’m coming up with ideas on what I know that will be helpful for me especially since I’m finally home from holiday events with my family. In fact my last three post were from when I was out of town visiting family for the Christmas holiday.

There is no place like home especially dealing with a dysfunctional family during the holiday season. Now that I am home I am able to have my access to things that I normally turn to when the symptoms of my mental health challenges are being quite challenging at the moment.

The first thing I’ve done was cooks some food. In fact I cooked some comfort food and ate it. Some of the comfort food that I ate was given to me as a Christmas gift, such as fudge and other such baked goods. At lets not forget the hot chocolate on this cold wintery night.

Since I have food in my tummy, I can now focus on other things that will help me. Most of it has to do with the creativity part of who I am. The first thing I did was play my flute and harmonica. No, I did not play them at the same time. There is something quite soothing about playing a musical interment. Soothing enough that it helped me become more creative.

As I became more creative, I turned on my recovery play list from Spotify and started to paint. Painting seems help me get out the emotions I need to be getting out, just like music. I hope to show you the finished products of some of my paintings as at later time.

Thank you for reading my post. It’s greatly appreciated. Peace Out, World!!!

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It’s late on Saturday night. This is the time of year that is the most difficult for me even when I am doing well. Its difficult due to trauma related shit which is the reason I have PTSD. When you add Depression to the mix it just makes things worse.

So more or less Christmas is a shitty time of year for me due to trauma but Christmas is even more difficult this year. I found out late last night (Friday) that one of my cousins died yesterday. She was only 48 years old. She passed away suddenly due to health issues as she slept taking a nap. Her two sons found her and did CPR on her till the paramedics showed up. The difficult thing was that I needed to tell another cousin that my cousin died as well as an uncle. To make matters even more difficult I had to inform a mutual friend of mine on my cousin that my cousin died. Telling three people that someone passed away is not a great way to start off the holiday weekend.

As difficult as yesterday was especially with the holiday weekend at least my Yule or Winter Solstice went well. I spent it with Junior and some of our closest friends. We had fun. We ate lots of food and played some awesome board games.

That’s all have for now. I’m struggling with some PTSD symptoms and need to do some relaxation skills. I hope everyone has a great holiday. Peace out, World.

Middle of the Night Ramblings

Posted on by Gertie

It’s the middle of the night and I am unable to sleep. Having insomnia sucks shit. The symptoms of my PTSD are not helping the insomnia. As I sit here writing this post I can’t help but realize this going to be a post about nothing or what I like to say; “ramblings.” More or less, this post is going to be one of them post that is helping me through a rough moment or two when dealing with the symptoms of PTSD and depression.

As I write this post, I realize I can wake up my partner, Junior, to help me through the symptoms of my mental health conditions however, he has to get up in about three hours to go to work. He is a firefighter and his shifts are typically 24-hours. I know if things get too bad with my symptoms, I’ll wake him up.

This is where using my DBT skills are quite helpful to me. For one thing, blogging is a quite helpful for me and an extremely useful tool. Reading is also considered a skill for me. I love reading and enjoy it. Unfortunately, right now reading is difficult for me. Mainly due to the voices I hear when I am extremely depressed. I experience psychosis when my depression hits me hard and it sucks. I wish I didn’t experience psychosis however I feel like it ultimately makes me a stronger person when it goes a way as my depression subsides.

I think I’m going to at least attempt at getting some sleep. I hope everyone is sleeping well and/or is having a good day when they read this particular post. Peace Out, World!!!

 

Choosing Recovery

Posted on by Gertie

Right now, I am fighting within myself. I’m battling the symptoms of my mental health diagnosis. I’m arguing with myself and the voices I hear that nobody else hears. See, one of the diagnosis I have is Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) with psychotic features. That means when my depression act up I hallucinate. Actually, I have what they call auditory hallucinations which means I hear things that nobody else hear and aren’t real.

I’m telling you this as I don’t choose to have a mental health condition/challenge but I do choose to be in recovery. I may not being doing well at the moment however, I am choosing to fight against the urges to self harm and what the voices are telling me to do.

My voices are encouraging me to act on the urges to self harm. I of course am NOT going to act on the urges or what the voices are encouraging me to do. I am choosing to NOT act them because I have the tools (or skills) to help myself. To help myself to NOT self harm by using Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills.

Using the DBT skill I’ve learned over the last fourteen years is what has saved my life. It’s what has helped me start my recovery and remain in recovery despite set backs or “relapses.” I choose get back up and wipe the dust off when I do relapse in self harm behavior.

In fact when I realized that my self harm urges were high and that the voices were encouraging me to act on them, I contacted my treatment team to help me through. The person who helped gave me some encouragement as well as some suggestions they know that helps me. One of those suggestions was (and is) blogging. However, before I chose to take the persons suggestion to blog, I did a couple of other suggestions first so I could blog in a better head space. I first ate something and then I went for a three mile walk. After eating and going for a walk, it put me in a better head space to be able to write this blog post.

In fact blogging is helping me at the moment however, I am going to go do other DBT skills now. So, yes that means I will be ending this blog post. FYI: I AM CURRENTLY NOT DANGER TO MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. (In fact I’ve NEVER been a danger to anyone else.) I hope everyone has a good rest of their day. Peace Out, World!!!

I’m Dreaming of Sleep

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It’s nearly two thirty in the morning in my neck of the world. Right now, I’m dreaming of sleep. I haven’t been sleeping very well since I was assaulted nearly a month ago.

Having a good nights sleep is crucial to ones overall health especially for those of us who have a mental health diagnosis. Something I have learned over the years is to have a sleep schedule or what people in the mental health field call sleep hygiene.

For me sleep hygiene means going to bed at the same time as well as getting up at the same time. For me, I tend to go to bed at 11:30pm on week nights (Sunday – Thursday) and get up at 7:30ish in the morning on week days (Monday – Friday). Unfortunately, I toss and turn and unable to sleep so I get up. I tend to get up and stay up at the same time week days and wish my sleep hygiene schedule would work right now.

Now that I have rambled on and on about my sleep hygiene and the lack of sleep I am getting, I might as well as end this blog post and try to sleep. I hope you have an awesome day. Peace Out!!!

A Major F*ck Up (Contains Graphic Images)

Posted on by Gertie

GRAPHIC IMAGES

(IN THIS POST)

It’s two o’clock in the morning on Monday, October 16th of 2017. This particular blog post is not going to be a pretty one. It’s not going to be a pretty one because, I’m not only going to be discussing what happened on Saturday night but showing you images. IMAGES THAT ARE QUITE GRAPHIC!!!

(SIDE NOTE: Before I continue on with this post I want to reassure you that I am NOT suicidal and I DON’T feel like harming myself at the moment. If I were to become suicidal and/or feel like self harming, I will take myself to the hospital like I did Saturday.)

Saturday night was not the most pleasant of days for me. Both my PTSD and Depression symptoms got the better of me. So much so that I ended up cutting myself. I scared myself so much by cutting myself that I called two close friends who took me to the hospital to get evaluated. I would have called Junior however he was working at the moment and didn’t need him to worry as he is a firefighter.

As I was stating my friends took me to the Emergency Room where my wounds got treated and I got evaluated for my state of mind. Everyone was in agreement that I could (and still can) remain safe and was able to return home.

I stayed with my friends till Junior got off work. He picked me up from my friends house. He looked at my wounds and redressed them. We discussed on what I could do the next time things go this bad. Next time I won’t be so hesitant to reach out for support of friends are so fearful of calling 911.

Part of the reason why I ended up cutting on Saturday night was because I was fearful of my symptoms and angry that I was having them. I did end up getting some stitches. You may or may not be able to see the stitches but wanted to fore warn you.

(FYI: I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL!!! I CURRENTLY DO NOT FEEL LIKE HARMING MYSELF.)

THE BELOW IMAGES ARE GRAPHIC:

 

I just want to show you the realities of what happens when I am in an extremely bad head space. This is why I am grateful that I have a great support system. I am beyond grateful that I have a loving partner and awesome friends who are in my corner.

Thank you for reading my blog. I truly apologize if I triggered anyone with this particular blog post. Again, I want to reiterate: I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL AND I DON’T WANT TO HARM MYSELF IN ANY WAY. I’M NOT A RISK OF HARMING MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE. Again, I want to thank for reading my blog. I hope I didn’t trigger anyone. If I did, I truly do apologize. I hope everyone has a good Monday. Have a good work week everyone and Peace Out, World!!!