Tag Archives: Grief

Weekly Check-In

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is Saturday evening and time to do my weekly check-in. Or at least I am starting my weekly check-in back up with you the reader. Before I do my check-in I want to say Blessed Yule and Happy Solstice. Today is the first day of winter and the shortest day of the year. I am looking forward to tomorrow as it starts being lighter longer. Granted only by a minute or two but I am so looking forward to more light.

This past week has not been the easiest of weeks for me. My depression and Complex-PTSD (C-PTSD) have been acting up so badly that I have been dissociating and isolating. Neither which are good for me or anyone for that matter. To add to the depression and PTSD, I am dealing with grief of my mom’s death on Tuesday, November 26th which was two days before Thanksgiving. Sadly, Christmas Day of this year is one day before the one month mark of my mom’s death. I miss her so very much.

Since I have been isolating this past week, I have been hanging out at home with my beloved senior kitty, Billie. Billie has been helping me so much with dissociation and not doing it. I am so grateful for my cat as he has a calming affect on me and helps me keep my head on straight.

Despite being in a dissociated state for most of the week, I do remember watching a lot of movies. Specifically, I have been watching a lot of Christmas and holiday related movies. I watch Christmas movies that are nostalgic to me and many other people in the world.

Besides watching Christmas and holiday related movies, I have been reading. I specifically have been reading a Christmas book. In fact, I read a Christmas book every holiday season. It is a holiday tradition for me and I really look forward to it every year.

I do not have anything else to check-in or write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Struggling In Seattle – Missing My Mom

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! I am currently struggling with the death of my mom. Tomorrow (Tuesday) makes three weeks since my mom died. It has been a very challenging three weeks as the holiday season is in full force and my mom loved Christmas more than anything. I know this might be the hardest holiday season for me as it is just too close to my mom’s favorite holiday is Christmas. I also wonder if next year’s holiday season will be hard as I would have more time to grief. At this point in time I don’t know if this Christmas will be harder than next year but I will do my best to learn ways to cope with the grief of my mom’s death for next Christmas.

The one way I can cope in this is to cuddle up with my cat, Billie and read. The two books that I am reading are Twelve Days of Christmas Horror Volume 1 by Rick Wood as well as Unholy Night by Seth Grahame-Smith. I have only read a couple of chapters from each book but have not enough figures which one I will like best. Now I should cuddle with my cat and read a holiday book I just told you about.

I do not have much more to write about in this particular post. I do want thank my readers for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated that you readers read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog I would not be continuing to write my blog. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Missing My Mom + Holiday Emotions

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It has been two weeks and one day since my mom died. It has been challenging dealing with all that goes with losing a parent especially this time of year as it is the holiday season. Dealing with my mom’s death is adding to the holiday anxiety I struggle with every year which sucks shit and is something I discussed with my therapist today.

In fact my therapist and I discussed a great deal about my emotions especially anxiety and anger as I struggle with both. I struggle with both anxiety and anger as I tend to stuff both of those emotions that end up leading me emotionally and verbally exploding or sadly self harming. I thankfully haven’t self harmed in over a year which is a good thing but sadly I have emotionally and verbally exploded which is not a good thing. We discussed various ways to let out my anxiety and anger especially my anger. In fact my therapist suggested a couple of things to deal with my anger that are a little silly but I think will be helpful. I am really appreciative of my therapist and I am so grateful for her as well as her help with my mental health recovery.

As much as I am appreciative of and grateful for my therapist, I am also extremely grateful for today’s weather here in Seattle as it was sunny. Granted it was chilly outside but I am so grateful for the sun and that it was not freezing or below freezing outside.

Not only am I grateful for today’s weather here in Seattle, I am also beyond grateful for my precious senior kitty, Billie. I love my cat so very much and I don’t know what my life would be like without my cat. The best part of having a cat or any pet is their unconditional love.

I do not have much more to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Sleepless in Seattle Type of Night

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It is the middle of the night here in Seattle. Actually it is a few minutes past three o’clock in the morning Seattle time. I am unable to sleep for multiple reasons which include insomnia, PTSD and grieving the recent loss of my mom. Hell, it hasn’t even been two weeks since my mom’s death. I really miss my mom and wish she was still alive.

Since I am unable to sleep I have been doing some things to help me with the grief, PTSD and insomnia. The things I have been doing is reading a book called Unholy Night by Seth Grahame-Smith, listening to music, working on diamond art/painting, and cuddling with my cat, Billie. I love the fact that I can get some cuddle time with my cat especially when I am reading in bed. I am grateful that I can listen to music as I do any type of art including diamond art/painting.

I do not have anything else to write about in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you the reader for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Having A Hard Morning

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I am having a really challenging time right now. I had to call the crisis phone number that is through the mental health agency I am a client at about an hour and a half ago. I had to call because of the miscarriage is hitting me hard and sadly has increased the self-harm urges. Self-harm urges I wish I didn’t have. Self-harm urges that I will NOT act on. (NOTE: I am not suicidal and I will NOT act on the self-harm urges.)

Anyway, after talking with the crisis clinician, we came up with a safety plan for me to do to stay safe till one of my natural support persons is available to talk with. The plan is to enjoy the weather outside and go for a walk. Granted it is cold but at least the sun is out here in Seattle.

Another thing is to hang out at home with my cat as I read. I am reading an amazing book about a college aged kid who finds out he has guardian angels that he has crushes on. The college aged kid is also figuring out his sexuality. I am only half way through the book and it is the first book in a six book series.

I don’t have much to write about in this particular blog post except that I will not harm myself in any way. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be continuing to write my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

A Brief Post About A Sad Event

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! I am not sure how to say this but I miscarried. I started feeling crampy about an hour after my last post very early this morning in the middle of the night. When I went to the bathroom, I noticed blood. My partner took me to the emergency room where doctors confirmed our worst fear of me miscarrying. This phucking sucks and I don’t know how to feel and I am just numb. I was supposed to have an appointment with my therapist this morning but was unable to go to due to being in the emergency room and I forgot to call her. I did send her an email and called her to leave a voicemail when I got back home from the emergency room. Thankfully, I have an already scheduled appointment with my OBGYN tomorrow morning.

I don’t know what else to say. Thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

A Challenging few Weeks w/New & Refreshed Lessons Learned Along the Way

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Caturday Saturday. It has been quite a couple of weeks of being challenging for me for various reasons and many of them I have had to deal with some eighth deaths in a matter of a two week period. Some of the folks I have never met but really admired in the animal welfare community especially locally here in the Seattle area who touched the life of many humans and cats. Sadly this person took her own life and wish I would have been given to meet her in person. She will be greatly missed especially in the animal welfare community.

On the continuation of discussing death. I can’t really discuss much about it due to HiPAA law but many of the client I work with overdose on drugs and alcohol. Sadly some pass away to drug and/or alcohol overdoses and It is challenging to deal with. Thankfully I have the support of my colleagues with this especially when people have been trying to get off drugs so they don’t have to have a stigma with an addiction.

Dealing with so many deaths is the last couple of weeks I have been reaching out to my support system such as my friends, family and my colleagues as well as my therapist. I am just beyond grateful that I have supportive people in my life to be there for me. Not many people have a good support system and I have a great support system.

Now on to what I do to help with my self care. One way I do self care is due at least two mindful meditations daily; once in the morning and another one before bed time. I am also trying to put in third mindful mediation in the middle of a work day to help me refocus during work. Another way I have been doing self care is spending time with my cat as well as walking two times a day; once in the morning and once the evening. Of course another self care act is going to volunteer at PAWS Cat City a least once a week. Of course working at my job helps as well. I have been reading a lot of books that I find helpful to help with my recovery journey. I also have been doing some art work and hope to show sometime soon.

As this post comes to an end just know there is always hope along the way. I want to thank you for reading my blog. If it was not for you reading and/or following my blog, I most likely would be continuing to writing my blog. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out World!!!!

Sleepless in Seattle Once Again

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I am having a challenging time being able to sleep and it sucks shit. My grandma did five years ago and Valentines Day. Even though I never liked Valentines Day before my grandma passing away, her death just made me hate it even more. I just want one more hug from my grandpa however my cat Billie Dean gives me great hugs.

On to the hugs from my cat, Billie, he is helping with some art work. He is choosing what coloring book to color from and then the picture. So, I am hoping the picture I color that Billie chose comes out well.

On to a similar topic I ordered some crafty stuff. I ordered latch hook and cross stitching stuff to help ease my mind and do something with my hands. I figured I can learn new things like latch hook and cross stitching.

Something else I am learning is tarot cards. I am reading two books about tarot cards as well as the little bookletts in tarot boxes. I know I must sound nuts about learning tarot but if it can help with my recovery then I am all for it.

I do not have much more to say in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog post. I greatly appreciated it. I hope every has better sleep than I did. Peace Out, World!!!

Five Long Years Without My Grandma

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It is Valentines Day and I have never been a fan of this holiday. The reason being is why do we need a special day to let those we love to say, I love you. I never quite comprehended why it is such a big deal.

Despite never liking Valentines Day, it is now especially more challenging for me. It is challenging for me because five years ago today my grandma passed away due to complications of Parkinson’s. She was like a mother to me as she and my grandpa helped my dad raise me. I miss her very much. I just want to call her up and tell her I love her.

On the plus side, my cat Billie Dean has been by my side since I came home from work. I love my cat, Billie to the moon and back. I know that he will give me the love I so desire as he is good at that.

I do not have much more to say in this particular blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. It is greatly appreciated from my end of things that you, the reader, read my blog. If it was not for you the reader, reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!

Missing My Grandma on Her Birthday

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! Today is a sad day for me and my family. Today, would have been my grandma’s 93rd birthday. In fact, when I got up this morning, I tried calling her on her cellphone. It breaks my heart when I do this and wish it wasn’t so hard especially since it has been almost five years since she passed away. Sadly, my grandma passed away from complications due to Parkinson’s Disease.

I am honoring my grandma today by spending it with my grandpa and dad as well as my uncles. Another way I am honoring her on her birthday is going through pictures of her. I also bought some cupcakes and I will light a birthday candle on a cupcake to sing happy birthday after dinner tonight. I’m sure she would be appreciative of it.

I do not have much more to say in this blog post. I do want to thank you for reading my blog. I greatly appreciate you the reader, reading my blog. If it was not for you the reader reading my blog, I would not be writing my blog. Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!