Mental Health Awareness Week; Day 5: Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

It is Day 5 of Mental Health Awareness Week. Today I will be discussing Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It is sort of a continuation of yesterdays topic of depression. SAD is personal to me as well because I was (and still am) diagnosed with it. This is another diagnosis I have had over half of my life. Again the information I am going to give you is from National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website which is nami.org.

What is seasonal affective disorder (SAD)?

     The symptoms of depression are very common. Some people experience these only at times of stress, while others may experience them regularly at certain ties of the year. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is characterized by recurrent episodes of depression, usually in late fall and winter, alternating with periods of normal periods of normal or high mood the rest of the year.

Whether SAD is a distinct mental illness or s specific type of major depressive disorder is a topic of debate in the scientific literature. Researchers at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) first posited the condition as a response to decreased light, and pioneered the use of bright light to address the symptoms. It has been suggested that women are more likely to have the illness than men and that SAD is less likely in older individuals. SAD can also occur in children and adolescents, in which is usually first suspected by parents and teachers rather than the individual themselves.

While no specific genes has been shown to cause SAD, many people with this illness report at least one close relative with a psychiatric condition – most frequently a severe depressive disorder or substance abuse. Scientists have identified that a chemical within the brain ( a neurotransmitter called serotonin) ma not be functioning optimally in many patients with SAD. The role of hormones, specifically melatonin, and sleep-wake cycles (also called circadian rhythms) during the changing seasons is still being studied in people with SAD. Some studies have also shown that SAD is more common in people who live in Northern latitudes (e.g., Canada and Alaska as opposed to California and Florida).

What are the patterns of SAD?

For all depressive episodes, it is important to understand the patter of the condition, in other words, what stressors or triggers contribute to the depressive symptoms. In SAD, the seasonal variation in mood states is the key dimension to understand. Through recognition of the pattern of symptoms over time, developing a more targeted treatment plan is possible.

Symptoms of SAD usually begin in October or November and subside in March or April. Some patients begin to “slump” as early as August, while others remain well until January. Regardless of the time of onset, most patients don’t feel fully “back to normal” until early May. Depressions are usually mild to moderate but they can be severe. Treatment planning needs to match the severity of the condition for the individual. Safety is the first consideration in all assessment of depression, as suicide can be a risk for more severe depressive symptoms. Although some individuals do not necessarily show these symptoms, the classic  characteristics of recurrent winter depression include oversleeping, daytime fatigue, carbohydrate craving and weight gain. Additionally, many people may experience other features of depression including decreased sexual interest, lethargy, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts, lack of interest in normal activities and decreased socialization.

In a minority of cases, symptoms occur in the summer rather than winter. During that period, the depression is more likely to be characterized by insomnia, decreased appetite, weight loss and agitation or anxiety. In still fewer cases,a patient may experience both winter and summer depressions, while feeling fine each fall and spring, around the equinoxes. Many people with SAD also report that their depression worsens or reappears whenever there is “less light around” (e.g., the weather is overcast any time of the year, or if their indoor lighting is decreased).

Some people with Bipolar Disorder can also have seasonal changes in heir mood and experience acute episodes in a recurrent fashion at different times of the year.I has been classically described that some people with bipolar disorder are more likely to experience depressive episodes in the fall/winter and manic episodes in spring/summer.

A person with any of these symptoms should feel comfortable asking their doctors about SAD. A full medical evaluation of a person who is experiencing these symptoms for the first time should include a thorough physical examination as well as blood (e.g., thyroid testing) and urine testing (e.g., pregnancy testing, drug screening). A medical evaluation is appropriate because SAD can often be misdiagnosed as hypothyroidism, infectious mononucleosis or other medical conditions.

Again I got this information from NAMI’s website at nami.org. I hope that I am able to convey to you the reader and/or follower on what I am wanting to educate you all on. It being Mental Health Awareness Week it is my desire to educate people especially those who do not have any mental health diagnoses.

I deal with the symptoms of SAD the same way I deal with Depression. If you want to know how I deal with depression you can easily read yesterdays blog titled Mental Health Awareness Week; Day 4: Depression. SAD effects me mainly in late autumn through mid spring. It is key with any mental health diagnosis to know what your triggers are and I know what my triggers are with SAD. As with any mental health diagnosis treatment is another key compounding element with SAD.

I hope that I will be able to blog again tomorrow to continue to educate other on another mental health condition. It is my hopes that my blogging about mental illness that maybe just maybe the stigma that surrounds mental illness will start to lessen. Stigma is a major reason why those who suffer from mental illness suffer in silence and alone. Please don’t be afraid to share this on any social media site you want just as long as it is in a respectful manner. Have a good day everyone. Peace out!!!!

Mental Health Awareness Week; Day 4: Depression

It is Day 4 of Mental Health Awareness Week. Today, I will be discussing Depression. I will be discussing Depression because I not only struggle with it but many other people in my life struggle with it as well. I personally was diagnosed when I was 14 years old. That means I have had Depression my than half my life. I will again be giving you information that is posted on National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website. NAMI’s website is nami.org.

What are the symptoms of major depression and how is it diagnosed?

Depression can be difficult to detect from the outside, but for those who experience major depression, it is disruptive in a multitude of ways. It usually causes significant changes in how a person functions in many of the following areas:

  • Changes in sleep. Some people experience difficulty in falling asleep, waking up during the night or awakening earlier than desired. Other people sleep excessively or much longer than they used to.
  • Changes in appetite. Weight gain or weight loss demonstrates changes in eating habits and appetite during episodes of depression.
  • Poor concentration. The inability to concentrate and/or make decisions is a serious aspect of depression. During severe depression, some people find following the thread of a simple newspaper article to be extremely difficult, or make major decisions often impossible.
  • Loss of energy. The loss of energy and fatigue often affects people living with depression. Mental speed and activity are usually reduced, as is the ability to preform daily routines.
  • Lack of interest. During depression, people feel sad and lose interest in usual activities.
  • Low self-esteem. During periods of depression, people dwell on memories of losses or failures and feel excessive guilt and helplessness.
  • Hopelessness or guilt. The symptoms of depression often produce a strong feeling of hopelessness, or a belief that nothing will ever improve. These feelings can lead to thoughts of suicide.
  • Movement changes. People may literally look “slowed down: or overly activated and agitated.

Mental health care professionals use the criteria for depression in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) to develop a diagnosis.

There is a strong possibility that a depressive episode can be a part of Bipolar Disorder. Having a physician make the right distinction between unipolar major depression and bipolar depression is critical because treatments for these two depressive disorders differ.

Again, I got the above information from NAMI’s website at nami.org. NAMI is an awesome resource in regards to mental illness. I am grateful that NAMI and other such organizations are out there to help spread the word about mental illness and to help stop the stigma that goes along with it.

Depression effects me severely for many different reason. One of those reason is that when my depression gets severe I get psychotic. When I mean psychotic, I hallucinate. With some people’s depression they have psychotic features along with it. I know when things get severe with my depression when the psychotic features rear their ugly head and that usually means that I need to be hospitalized. Thankfully, my depression hasn’t been that severe in about 3 years. Another thing in regards to my depression is that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  SAD is another form of Depression however it is its own separate diagnosis.

I maintain my depression in various ways. I not only take an antidepressant for my depression but I also see a therapist every other week. (Side note: If my symptoms get bad I then see my therapist every week) I also eat regularly and try to make sure that I eat as healthy as possible. I also exercise on the regular basis even if that means I only walk 3 miles that day. I always at least walk 3 miles a day even if its rainy and stormy outside. Yes, I even walk 3 miles a day when it is icy and snowy outside. I do this because I know it helps with my depression. Plus it gets me outside. With depression I tend to isolate and getting out to walk helps me not isolate. Getting outside even when rainy and/or cloudy gives you that natural light that every needs and you even get Vitamin D through the clouds from the sunlight. I also make sure I have good sleep hygiene. I try to go to bed at the same time every night as well as get up at the same time every morning. I do this because it helps me with my depression even on nights I don’t get much sleep. I do many other things as well but I don’t want to bore you with them. I just wanted to try to convey on what depression was and how I deal with it to try to keep it at bay.

Well, I hope you all enjoy the rest of your Wednesday. I hope to blog again tomorrow on another mental health diagnosis. I hope that I am conveying to you the reader and/or follower that I am intending. I hope that I am educating you all on mental illness. Well have a good rest of your day. Peace Out!!!

Mental Health Awarness Week; Day 3: ADHD

It is day three of Mental Health Awareness Week and I have chosen the topic of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). The reason why I have chosen this particular topic is because I not only had it as a child and adolescent but I have it as an adult as well. Many people don’t realize that both ADD and ADHD are mental illness’s. The stuff I am about to convey to you I got off of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website at nami.org.

WHAT IS ADHD?

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a condition characterized by inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity. The most commonly diagnosed behavior disorder in young people, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that ADHD affects an estimated 9 percent of children aged 3 – 17 and 2 to 4 percent of adults.

Although ADHD has it onset and is usually diagnosed in childhood, it is not a disorder limited to children – ADHD often persists into adolescence and adulthood and is frequently not diagnosed until later years.

What are the symptoms of ADHD?

There are actually thought to be three different types of ADHD, each with different symptoms: predominantly inattentive, predominantly hyperactive/impulsive and combined.

Those living with the predominantly inattentive type often:

  • fail to pay close attention to details or make careless mistakes in schoolwork, work or other activities;
  • have difficulty sustaining attention to task or leisure activities;
  • do not seem to listen when spoken to directly;
  • do not follow through on instructions and fail to finish schoolwork, chores or duties in the workplace;
  • have difficulty organizing task and activities;
  • avoid, dislike or are reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort;
  • lose thins necessary for tasks or activities;
  • are easily distracted by extraneous stimuli; and are forgetful in daily activities

Those living with the predominantly hyperactive/impulsive type often:

  • fidget with their hands or feet or squirm in their seat;
  • leave their seat in situations in which remaining seated is expected;
  • move excessively or feel restless during situation in which such behavior in inappropriate;
  • have difficulty engaging in leisure activities quietly;
  • are “on the go” or act as if “driven by a motor;”
  • talk excessively;
  • blurt out answers before questions have been completed;
  • have difficulty awaiting their turn; and
  • interrupt or intrude on others.

Those living with the combined type, the most common type of ADHD, have a combination of the inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive symptoms.

It is also important to note that ADHD is a condition that often coexist with other conditions.

I am not going to go into what else NAMI says about ADHD because I feel like if you want to find out you can go to NAMI.org to look up the information for yourselves. I do have to say that when I was child I was put on medication to help with the symptoms of the ADHD. The particular school district I was in from Kindergarten to 9th grade made sure the schools I attended I was taught the proper skills I needed that one day I wouldn’t need to depend on meds to help with the symptoms of ADHD. I am grateful for that because the school district I was in from 10th to 12 grades weren’t to keen on much of anything in regards to the diagnosis of ADHD. In fact they thought the medication I was on need to either be upped or changed. My grandparent gave me the option of what I wanted. I option I chose was to not take the medication and well they were happy I chose the option because I was able to prove to the new school and new school district that I could do it myself without the help of medication because of the skills I had learned in the previous school district I was in. I am not saying to go off any of your meds; I am saying that because I learned the proper skills that I was able to get off meds for the ADHD. Yes, I was under a doctors supervision when I was stopping the ADHD medication. Never stop any medication without proper supervision from a licensed medical provider. I am happy to announce that I have been off of ADHD meds for almost 19 years now. Yes, ADHD does still effect me however I am able to deal with the symptoms of ADHD.

I hope that I was able to convey to you what I wanted to in regards to ADHD. I hope that you learned something in regards to ADHD. Please don’t hesitate to ask questions if have any. Thank you for your time and thank you for reading.

Have a goodnight. I hope to blog on a different diagnosis tomorrow in regards to mental illness. Again have a goodnight and don’t let the bedbugs bite. Peace Out!!!!

Mental Health Awareness Week; Day 2: Knowing My Limitations

It’s day two of Mental Health Awareness Week. Again, I am not going to do what I had planned. The reason being is that I need to know my limits as well as my limitations I have had it up to my eye balls with different things in my life and know that I would not be able to convey on what I want to convey about mental illness.

Part of the reason why I have had it up to my eye balls is because one; I am hungry, two; I am tired as hell and three; its just been one of the days for me. Knowing this about myself has been a work in progress. If it wasn’t for the many years of therapy I would have just overextended myself and gone ahead and try to convey on the information I want to educate you on. I am in a good place in my life at the moment and am fully aware that if I overextend myself that the symptoms of my mental illness could rear there ugly head. Having the symptoms of my mental illness rear their ugly head would not only not be beneficial to you the reader and/or follower with me trying to educate you but would not be beneficial to me. I really hope that it doesn’t sound like I am being selfish because I am not trying to sound that way. I am just trying to keep myself well so I can be in a good and positive mind set when I go to work tomorrow. If I don’t take care of myself then I cant be there for you the reader and/or follower as well as be there for the clients at my new job as well as the callers on the Warm Line.

Again, I profusely apologize for not be able to inform you on what I was planning informing you on today. I honestly hope that I will be able to blog on what I was wanting to blog tonight tomorrow. Please find in your hearts to forgive me for needing a mental health day from blogging. Thanks for reading and Peace Out!!!

Mental Health Awareness Week; Day 1

It’s the first day of Mental Health Awareness Week. As I was preparing for this week I realized one major thing. I realized that part of what I wanted to do was give you what the criteria of what the diagnoses are and if I did that then I would be infringing on the copy write law of the DSM 5. So, I decided that I’m not going to put up the criteria for any diagnosis because I don’t want to break any laws. I do have other ways that I will try to educate you all on any diagnosis I discuss.

I plan on discussing the particular diagnoses that I am diagnosed with as well as the one I no longer meet the criteria for. I also plan on continuing the discussion of various types of diagnoses after Mental Health Awareness Week is over. In discussing any diagnosis I hope that I am able to convey what I want to say as well as how I have dealt with the symptoms of a particular diagnosis. If it’s a diagnosis I do not have then I hope to be able to convey on how other have dealt with the particular diagnosis. Being able to convey what I desire to convey in regards mental illness is a pretty huge task for me. I desire to educate people who don’t struggle with mental illness because I hope with education it can stomp out the stigma of mental illness.

Stomping out the stigma of mental illness is a major goal of mine. I know reality is that it wont happen in my lifetime however if I can just be one part of the factor to start the process of stomping out the stigma of mental illness then I have don’t my job. Their are many of us out there in the world trying to stop the stigma of mental illness and we will not stop till it is completely eliminated.

I think I have said enough about what I hope to convey and will continue this discussion tomorrow. I hope that you will continue to read my blog as I continue on my journey with my struggle with mental illness as well as the journey of educating other on mental illness. Peace Out!!!!

Figuring Out How To Succeed At Blogging

Happy Friday!!!! Apparently, I’m not reaching as many people as I hoped I would be. I only have 15 followers and don’t get many views. I am just getting frustrated with myself because I am not blogging as regularly as I was wanting to as well as not doing much educating when it comes to mental illness. I was hoping that I would educate people on particular mental health diagnoses but it appears that something is getting in my way in doing that. That something is me. I’m the one that is hindering the progression of this blog. On the positive side, I know that through my blog that I am showing others that recovery is possible (or at least I think I am).

My thinking was (and still is) when I started this blog was to show others that recovery is possible and that their is hope. I know that my blog is succeeding to a point when it comes to showing others that recovery is possible but it’s not succeeding in other ways. Its not succeeding in the number of followers or views I have or get and I think the reason being is the reason I stated earlier in this blog and that is the education part of it. I am hoping that once things start settling down with the new job as well as the new volunteer job that I will be able to start the education part of this blog. It is my hope that I will educate on the diagnosis’s that I have as well the ones I no longer meet the criteria for. I then hope to do some education on the diagnoses that family members and close friends struggle with and then go on from there.

Now that you heard enough about how my blog is not succeeding let get on to other subjects. I will start with my boyfriend. When he got off from work this morning I had made him breakfast. I made him pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs. According to my boyfriend I burned the bacon. He pretty much likes eating bacon raw or at least almost raw. He likes all the fat on it. I do have to say that the fat on the bacon is what makes bacon taste good. After eating breakfast and doing dishes we had some intimate moments. Intimacy is something I personally struggle with because of some severe trauma I experienced as a child and even some trauma I experienced as an adult. With that being said my boyfriend makes me feel safe especially during intimate moments. He is gentle with me and extremely loving.

Speaking of loving, I am loving my new job. Yes, I know a loving partner is completely different than loving your job. I not only love my job, I enjoy it as well. My job gives me great joy even though its not the position I desire. In regards to it not being the position I desire its a foot in the door as well as moving up opportunities.

Since we are on the topic of opportunities, my volunteer job at the Warm Line gives me training opportunities as well as possible career advancement at my current employer and possibly at the Crisis Line where the Warm Line is run out of. Yes, I know what I just said sounds a little selfish but if what I do employment wise as well as volunteering gives me a purpose in life then so be it. I’m improving with being a call taker on the Warm Line and am no longer a deer in head lights. I am finally getting in the grove of things as a call taker.

I so want to share more with you right now but I realize I am hungry and need to figure out what I want to cook for dinner. I’m hoping that my boyfriend will give me some idea’s. Actually, I am hoping that he will do the cooking tonight.  Well, have a good Friday evening everyone. I hope everyone enjoys there weekend and has some fun. Peace out.

Ramblings About New Job & Other Stuff

It’s Tuesday and that means I worked today. Today, I did my shelter orientation. My boss tried to get me out of most of it due to me being a volunteer at the shelter however he couldn’t because its a requirement. He knew I had to be there for some of it but tried to out of the stuff I already knew. I am glad I did the entire orientation today. I saw a great deal of the clients that I miss dearly. When we had to do the coffee counter I dove right in because that’s what I mainly did when I was a volunteer. I also dove right in when I did the lobby office however I got to do employee stuff as well. Unfortunately, a fight broke out between two female clients and I was one of two orienteer’s that were allowed to step in. The only reason why I was allowed to step in was because I was familiar with both clients due to my volunteer work at the shelter. The other orienteer who was allowed to step in was allowed to due to her job title. She is basically on the crisis team. Thankfully, no one got hurt but the aggressor got barred till next Tuesday when the next Bar Review Committee (BRC) happens. Everyone involved had to write a log about it. It was my first time having to write a log and it was a log I really didn’t want to write.   I am really enjoying my job. I am feeling more confident with my new job.

I wish I was as confident with my new volunteer job at the Warm Line as I do with my new job. I’m like a deer in headlights. I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a call taker on the Warm Line. Yes, I know I’ve only had two shifts on the Warm Line but I’m not very good at it. My first night I only took one call and I panicked. My second shift I took three calls. One I didn’t do very well on and the other two I did okay on but need improvement. I’m hoping I do a better job tomorrow evening. The mentor on duty tomorrow is extremely humorous and tells me like it is. I’m happy with that. I really want to do a great job tomorrow. In fact I want to be able to impress mentor however I’m not there to impress him, I’m there to help the callers. My boyfriend told me to not worry about it and that I will get in the grove of things.

Speaking of my boyfriend, when I got home (to his place) he had dinner made for me. He made me enchiladas. I love enchiladas. Its one of my favorite meals. In fact my boyfriend made the tortilla’s for scratch. My boyfriend is an awesome cook. I enjoy cooking however he enjoys it more than I do so I let him cook. His cooking is almost as good as my grandma’s cooking.

I’m getting a little tired and have to get up early to go to appointments and wont be home till late due to my volunteer job at the Warm Line. I’m going to call it a night. Have a goodnight everyone and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace Out!!!

Just A Blog About The New Job

It’s an absolutely beautiful Sunday evening in my neck of the woods. So beautiful that my boyfriend and I are going to have dinner outside. We are going to have a grilled chicken salad. Of course the chicken is going to be grilled and the barbeque. I hope we have leftovers so I can take some to work tomorrow.

Speaking of work, I have to remember to take a few things with me tomorrow. A major part of my job is sitting in a little pod like office to let people in the building and that gets boring. I have to remember to take some things to read. I think I’m going to take the book “A Tale of Two Cities” because I haven’t finished reading it yet. The reason why I haven’t finished reading it is that I’ve been busy with life and trying to get a new job. Well, I have that new job and that new job will allow me to read on the job when I am on door duty. I am also going to take a Wonder Woman graphic novel with me. Its one that I have read already but I love Wonder Woman and enjoy rereading any Wonder Woman comic or graphic novel. I am debating weather or not to take some cross-stitching with me to work. I am almost finished with my current cross-stitching project. I really do think I will enjoy my new job wants I get adjusted to what I need to be doing. Plus, I have two more orientations I need to do and fortunately they are both this week. I also have to go to two trainings but the trainings I have to do are not being offered this month so I have to do them next month or whenever they offer them. The trainings I have to do are in Crisis Intervention and CPR. I have to do both every year even if my CPR card is not expired. I know that my new job isn’t the position I want but at least it’s in the field I desire and a foot in the door. Due to agency and union policy I have to be in my current position before be consider an “in-house” applicant. That’s fine with me because I want to be in my position for at least 6 months if not longer because it looks good on the resume’.

Well, I need to get going because my boyfriend said dinner is done and well I am extremely hungry. I hope to blog again sometime in the next few days. Have a wonderful Sunday evening. Peace out!!!!

It’s Been About A Week

Good Morning!!!! It’s a beautiful day Saturday morning in the region of the United States I live in. Yes, it is still morning where I live. It happens to be 11:49am (pacific time) at the moment or least this is time my cell phone and computer say the time is where I am.

Its been about a week since I last blogged. I am extremely sorry that it has been so long that I have blogged. I’ve been busy with various things that I would love to share with you today.

Lets start with my dad. About two weeks ago my family and I were faced with a difficult decision of the possibility of take my dad off of life support or putting him on a tracheostomy. We had a week to decide and we decided to have he tracheostomy done because he was starting to improve extremely well. In fact I am extremely happy that my family and I made that decision because my dad is now in a care facility that specializes in weaning people off a ventilator. He is now off he ventilator during the day. He is on it at night just in case something happens. He is briefly standing up and sitting. Of course this is with the help of physical therapist. The biggest thing everyone is worried about is his swallowing or the lack there of. I am so happy that my dad is doing so well especially since we (as in my family and I) thought he wasn’t going to make it. I love my dad and I know that he is proud of me.

I know he is proud of me because he told me before all is this happened with his health. He is proud of me because of my new job. My new job is going well. It been nothing but orientations last week and they will continue next week. I really think I am going to enjoy my new job. It’s in the field of my desire even if it’s not the particular job I want. I want to tell you more about it but have to go.

I have to go because I have to finish my laundry and do other chores. I have to go to the stupid post office to mail stuff to social security. Oh how I love sending stuff to social security. NOT!! I have to send stuff to social security because I not only work but have disability benefits due to the mental illness I have. I hope that some day I wont need disability benefits.

Well, it is now officially afternoon. It is 12:09 pm (pacific time). Everyone have a wonderful Saturday afternoon. I hope I have time at some point today to blog more about my job. If not today, tomorrow. Peace Out!!!

Struggling A Little Bit

     It’s another Thursday and I have been struggling a bit for about a week or two now. I didn’t realize how badly I was struggling till this past Monday (8/11/2014) when I dissociated. The unfortunate part of the dissociated state it that I ended up cutting. I am so disappointed that I cut. I hadn’t cut in three years. When I started coming out of the dissociated state and realized what I had done, I freaked out and called 911. Of course the fire department came and checked me out and then I was taken to the emergency room.

      My experience in the emergency room wasn’t the best I have had in the 14 years I have been going to this particular ER for both psych and medical reasons. On the positive side both of the physicians were caring and sincere in wanting to help me. It was both the nurse and the social worker that didn’t make my experience all that great. The nurse was just negative with me the entire night. She told me that I needed to get my act together and that if it wasn’t for the HIPPA law that she would tell my boss’s about what happened. (Side note: The nurse shops at the grocery store I work at on the regular basis). When the social worker finally talked to me her demeanor was as if she didn’t want to be at work or got the short straw to talk to me. I told the social worker what the nurse said and the social worker told me that the nurse would never say that and I that I was being “hostile.” The question I have is how can I be hostile if I am sitting on the floor in a corner of the room with a blanket around me and sucking my thumb holding a stuffed animal. If that’s “hostile” then I would hate to think what her (the social workers) point of view is on violent behavior. The social worker then had the guts to tell me that she didn’t believe me that I dissociated. As she told me this one of the doctors came in to check on me and well he didn’t seem too happy with the social worker at the moment. The doctor asked how I was doing and I said I was doing better (which I was) and then said that he believed me. This doctor has treated me before and knows that I dissociate. Well, to make a long story short the doctor talked to the social work who in return said, I’m only apologizing because I was asked to. I really don’t like it when people are forced to apologize to me or others when they don’t mean it but am grateful that doctor cared enough to talk to her. His heart was in the right place. Thankfully, I wasn’t hospitalized. I was sent home.

    For me being sent home was a good thing. It means that I am far enough in my recovery process that I can continue to do what I need to do in my everyday life. For me going on with my life is what I need to do. That means continue going to my volunteer training at the Warm Line as well as going  to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. That also mean I will go to work tomorrow as well as on Saturday and any shifts I have next week. For me if I wasn’t in recovery I wouldn’t have bothered going to the Warm Line training this past Tuesday as well as my listening shift last night nor would have I gone to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. I consider this episode as a relapse. I am picking up where I left off before I dissociated and harmed myself. Another thing I am waiting on is my therapist to call me back. She was sick on Tuesday and doesn’t work on Wednesdays and hoping she is back in the office today. If she is still out today I will just see her at my regularly scheduled appointment. As much as I am beating myself up over what happened I have to get up and dust myself up and make the choice to continue my recovery process.

     I debated whether or not to share this with you because I didn’t want to trigger anyone nor did I want to worry anyone. I decided to blog about after I discussed it with my natural support system and they said it would be a good idea because it will show that I am human (which I am) and that I can pick up with my life even though its a little difficult at the moment. Yes, I know I blogged on Tuesday but I didn’t have my mind wrapped around what happen the night before and needed some space before I blogged about it. Now there is enough space and decided blog about what happened with the encouragement from the people who care about me. I am hoping that me blogging about this shows that people with mental illness can work through there issues as they continue with their everyday life. For me to continue with my everyday life is key to my recovery. It is my hope that this blog entry can show others struggling with mental illness that recovery is possible even if you relapse and that hope is out even if you relapse. I am worried about what my therapist is going to say on Monday but I will deal with that when it comes. As much as I don’t like my job I am looking forward to work tomorrow. I am grateful that I am able to work. Continuing to go on with my everyday life is something I’ve learned to do to not go farther backwards.

     Speaking of continuing with everyday life I need to get going. I need to eat and get my work clothes ready for tomorrow before I go to my volunteer training at the Warm Line. Have a good rest of your Thursday. I hope I didn’t trigger or worry anyone. Peace out!!