Hello, World!!! I am now home from the Emergency Room. As I mentioned in my last post I self harmed and took myself to the Emergency Room. I punched a brick wall out of anger and frustration. I didn’t break any bones.
I am going to be reading one of my books. Not sure which one yet. No, I haven’t finished my Star Wars book but I will finish it soon. I am thinking about reading my Buddhist Scriptures.
I think I am going to go read now. Thank you for reading my blog. Peace Out, World!!!
Hello, World!!! I am sitting here just going to blog about whatever the hell is on my mind at the moment. I don’t care what comes out of my fucking mouth right now. I am a little angry for no apparent reason.
I am angry at myself for locking myself out of my apartment. This increased my anxiety. So, I took my Xanax to help me with the anxiety once I was let back in. I had to wait an hour and half before someone could come unlock my door.
Now I am going to read my book about Why Buddhism Is True by Robert Wright. After that I will read my Buddhist Scriptures as this might be of help me to help myself calm down from the anxiety.
Having a spiritual bath is a key part to people’s recovery. I hope this the right path for me especially in regards to my recovery. Plus to help reduce my anger and anxiety without having to take any meds for it.
I think I might be doing some more painting to help me through the anxiety. Painting helps me express all my emotions when I have trouble acknowledging what they are.
Thank you for reading. Have a good Mother’s Day!!! Peace Out, World!!!
Good Morning, World!!! I am sitting here at my laptop thinking about what I have going on today. Mainly, what I have going today is an interview. An interview to have a job as a Peer Specialist (Counselor). A job that I know I am capable of doing.
On that note I, posted about when I applied for the interview on a social media site. I informed people that “if and only if I get the job will I need stricter boundaries with a handful of individuals.” I deleted it primarily because I accidently crossed a friends boundary. On that note another “friend” commented on it. To find out this person thought I deleted it because of them. They passive aggressively mentioned something about my post on his wall without mentioning my name. More or less mutual friends knew who they were talking about as I got some private messages via social media and some text asking me if I’ve read and if I think it was about me. I’m not sure if it about me but I see how others may see it. The original post wasn’t even about them or geared toward them. I stated that “I’m freaking out” and that was the key part of the post as I was freaking out due to the possibilities of setting stricter boundaries that didn’t involve the person being passive aggressive. Maybe with me posting about this is being passive aggressive. If it is being passive aggressive, I am not attempting to do so as I am just venting about. I guess I wish this individual would have reached out to me as I did them after seeing their post. Now this person is “livid” with me because they think I am “bragging” as I posted on social media that I have an interview. I am not sure what is going on with this person but I am concerned for them as they appear to be quite symptomatic to me.
Enough about that situation and on to a different topic, sort of. It’s about boundaries and how everyone has some form of them. Some of us are better at not letting folks cross them. For me it is easy for me to not allow folks to cross my boundaries with the exception of some of my family. I think that is why I got angry yesterday with family. I allowed them to cross my boundaries and that was all on me. Realizing this I can discuss it more my therapist so we can work on it.
I don’t have much more to say other than what I have already said. So, I am ending this post as I do not want to risk repeating myself. Peace Out, World!!!
Good Evening, World!!! I am feeling slightly better than my last post. The anger subsided a great deal. After reading a couple of chapters in my book I realized that I needed to talk with friends so I did. Reading as well as talking with friends helped the anger subside. My therapist gave me a great suggestion of reading.
I need to get going as I realize I am hungry. I need to make dinner. Have a great evening. Peace Out, World!!!
Good Afternoon, World!!! As much as I love my family, they are driving me nuts right now. Driving me nuts over petty shit that I shouldn’t let get to me but I do.
I talked with my new therapist about this and he suggested some things for me to do so I am not so angry with them. The cool thing about everything is that he knew what questions to ask about me and my anger. He now knows that me calling when I am angry is a good. This is a way for me to be preventative to do self harm urges and self harm acts. Thankfully, the anger toward my family didn’t lead to self harm urges which is why I was being preventative.
Something that my therapist and I came up with is to keep my mind busy so reading and books. I found out that my therapist is also an avid reading. His enjoys science fiction and fantasy genres. Knowing something as simple as this helps me with trusting my therapist. Talking about ways to not be so angry and books with my therapist helped lessened the anger a great deal.
Thank you for reading. Peace Out, World.
Hello, World!!! I am in a lot of pain right now. Pain from hitting a brick wall. Having two fractures from hitting a brick wall are natural consequences from what I did and I hope I learned from it.
I did go see my doctor today. She is quite concerned that I have been hitting brick walls lately. She stated that she will be talking to my mental health treatment team about this concern and I am happy that she is doing this.
Since I have limited mobility in my hand some of my usual skills are not available to me at the moment which means I will be doing a lot of reading. Reading that I wish I had more time for and now it appears I have that time. That’s why I plan on catching up on some reading.
I think I’ll go and do some reading. Thank you for reading. Peace Out, World!!!
Good Morning, World!!! I am waking up in pain this morning as I have a couple of fractures in my wrist due to getting in a fight with a brick wall. I got angry with myself last evening and decided to hit a brick wall. Obviously, the brick wall won as I have a couple of fractures in my wrist and hand.
I, of course went to the hospital where I found out about the fractures. The doctor had me talk with the social worker. The social worker used humor to help me as I was upset with myself for letting my emotions get the better of me. Thankfully, I was able to come home.
On another positive note, I see my regular doctor today that was already scheduled before hitting the brick wall. Hopefully, I will be able to get it my wrist and hand x-rayed again so I can get a copy of it. The x-ray will help remind me to not hit a brick wall.
I need to get going as it is difficult to type and I am in pain. Have a great work week. Peace Out, World!!!
Good Evening, World!!! This is a difficult as I am typing with a broken hand. I broke my hand by punching brick wall. Never punch a brick wall as you will always loose to the brick wall. I have learned my lesson to use my skills instead of harming myself.
I didn’t go to my volunteer job because of dealing with the grief of my grandma’s death. I think that is why I got so angry. Angry that my grandma passed away. I wish my grandma didn’t die. I miss her so much.
Not much happened this week. Just dealing with the grief of my grandma and helping plan her funeral for Monday. Oh yeah Seattle got some snow and it has been frigid cold here as well.
Thank you for reading my blog. No need to worry about me as I won’t self harm. Peace Out, World!!!
Good Evening, World!!! It’s been quite a week. A week full emotions. The primary emotions I have felt this week have been fear and anger. In fact I think if it wasn’t for the fear and anger, I wouldn’t have been on my creative streak.
This week I ended up being extremely creative by painting, writing poetry and even started writing some music to play on my flute. Being creative has been proven helpful for me when it comes to dealing with the symptoms of the mental health challenges I struggle with.
Being creative is something I also that helps me when I am having some major sleep issues. I was unable to sleep for three days straight despite my sleep hygiene strategies. I do think that being creative is what helped me finally getting limited sleep last night. I am grateful for the sleep I did get last night.
I don’t have much to say regarding my week for this past week as there is not much going on that I am willing to share. Thank you for reading. Have a good rest of your weekend. Peace Out, World!!!
Long time, no blog. It’s been a few weeks since I last blogged. Actually, its been neatly a month since I last blogged since that last time I did was on Halloween.
I’ve actually attempted to blog a great deal this past week or at least since last Wednesday but failed to do so as I was (and still am) pretty angry. Angry over what happened last week. Actually, it happened a week ago today which would make it last Wednesday (November 15th).
The thing that got me so angry was that I was informed by my therapist that I no longer am a part of the therapy services per her supervisor who happens to be the program manager of the program I am a client of. Needless to say I was angry. I was angry on how it was communicated to me. I unfortunately (figuratively) shot the messenger, who happened to be my therapist by yelling and screaming at her. She didn’t find out about me not being able to continue with therapy till the day before by her supervisor. So needless, to say my unexpected last session with my new therapist didn’t go all that well. I truly believe that my therapist heard what I was telling her. Not because I was yelling at the poor woman but because of her body language, what she was saying as well as her tone of voice. I do NOT blame my therapist whatsoever in this as this was NOT her decision as she was only made aware of it the day before. Unfortunately, I was not able to thank her for all her help.
Another unfortunate part of this, is that the other members of my treatment team were NOT made aware of this till I left them an angry voicemail. I left my case manager a voicemail as well as her supervisor a voicemail. Both of which had no clue about it. The supervisor of my case manager called me and he said that I must have misunderstood my therapist and would look into it and call me back when he looked into it. He did call me back to inform me that I did in fact not misunderstand what my therapist had said. He and my case manager were not informed of this drastic change in my treatment team nor the timing of it.
My case manager and her supervisor as well as my now former therapist are acutely aware that the timing couldn’t have come at a worse time for me. Finding out the news that I am no longer able to get therapy services at this moment in time came three days before the four year anniversary of the miscarriage of the first set of twins. It also came a few weeks shy of the one year anniversary of me finding out that Diana left the mental health agency I’m a client of due to cancer. It also comes during the holidays as well as other anniversaries regarding traumatic events. In fact both my case manager and her supervisor agree that what the program manager did is extremely unethical for anyone to do in the mental health field.
As angering and unethical as this situation is, I don’t blame my case manger, or her supervisor or even my now former therapist. I blame the program manager one hundred percent on this. In fact because of this I have lost trust in my treatment team.
Despite feeling unsupported by the program manager and being angry with the asshole, I do feel supported by all the other staff on the team. My case manager, her supervisor, and my group leaders have been quite supportive of me the last week. My treatment team is working hard to gain my trust back.
As I end this post I hope to let you all know in a later post on the “reasoning” behind why I lost therapy but right now is not the best time due to me still being highly angry. Thank you for reading and I hope to blog on the more regular basis. Happy Thanksgiving and Peace out!!!
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