Tag Archives: Miscarriage

Happy Dead Turkey Day

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Dead Turkey Day!!!! Or as “normal” people say Happy Thanksgiving. I know its been a while since I have blogged. I have been in a depressive state for a while now.

I was so depressed that I ended up in the hospital for a week and one day. In fact I got discharged today. When I saw my therapist last Wednesday (November 18, 2015) she and I agreed that being put in the hospital was the best thing for me. The day I saw my therapist happened to be the two year anniversary of the first miscarriage that I endured. The anniversary hit me harder that a ton of bricks.  I needed to be in the hospital and am grateful that I got out today.

I was and am spending it with friends and loved ones. Unfortunately, Junior is working. We will be doing our Thanksgiving tomorrow with his family. I am looking forward to it. I have a wonderful support system.

I am happy that my therapist is included in that support system. I am also grateful that she knew it was time for me to be hospitalized. Most importantly I am grateful that I was able to have a short stay of one week and one day.

Have a Happy Dead Turkey Day!!! Hope you had a nice day with your family and/or friends. Peace out and enjoy the rest of Thanksgiving. Oh yeah Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite

Writting 101: Finding Your Inspiration; Day Thirteen: Compose a Series of Vignettes

Posted on by Gertie

Sitting in the lobby of my therapist with my legs shaking and tears flowing down my cheeks. The admin assistant brings me my stuffed Eeyore (that my therapist holds on to for me for our sessions) and a box of Kleenex. I whisper “Thank you,” as I think to myself, “everyone must know now. She (the admin assistant) has that pity look.”

*****

Laying on the gurney in the E.R with Junior sitting by my side, holding my hand. The doctor and nurse come into the tiny E.R room with a look on their faces that no future parents want to see. Unfortunately, we have seen that look before. The doctor confirmed the look when she said, “We have to take you immediately to the maternity floor. You are experiencing another miscarriage. You will be having a procedure done called Dilation and Curettage also known as a D & C. With your previous miscarriage and being so far along, we feel it is best that you have a D & C for your health.” As I emotionally shut down, Junior started to shed tears for the loss of our second set of twins.

*****

Tears were finally flowing down my face the moment I stepped into the lobby of my therapist office. I arrived 45 minutes early and was informed by the admin assistant that I would be able to see Diana in 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes were extremely long but when Diana came out me to take me back to the office to have our session, I sobbed. I sobbed out what I needed to the moment I found out I had miscarried again.

*****

To this day, I still shed tears and even sob over the loss of my babies. I cry over both sets of twins I miscarried. Crying in which I find difficult to so. Even though I find  it difficult to cry, I find it therapeutic when I do so especially over the loss of my children.

Weekly Goals

Posted on by Gertie

Good morning!!! It is another Monday and the start of another work week. Not sure how this week is going to turn out work wise but I hope it turns out better for me emotionally. I struggled a little bit last week due to the grieving process with having a miscarriage earlier this year. Now that things are slowly improving with the help of others, let get on to my goals for the week. Like previous weeks I will like to share with you how I did with last weeks goals. Last weeks goals:

1)  Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. I did read this week. I did most of my reading when I was on the bus going to and from work or appointments as well as waiting for my appointments.

2)  See my regular doctor on Thursday. Yes, I did see my doctor. My Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) is not cleared up. That means I have to take more antibiotics and they are stronger antibiotic than the last prescription. This one I have to take three times a day for one week.

3)  Research the topic for my blogging feature. I did some research on the topic for my blogging feature that I will do every Friday starting September 4th of this year (2015). It was difficult to do the research because I was already emotionally drained from dealing with grief. (No, the topic for the first week of my feature is not on grief or loss or even miscarriage.)

4)  See my therapist on Thursday. I saw my therapist on Thursday. It was a tough session. It ended up being a two hour session instead of an hour. The person who was scheduled after me had called and cancelled so my therapist offered me extra time. I gladly accepted the extra time since I was struggling majorly with grief and loss with the miscarriages. Two straight hours of therapy is quite difficult but it was much needed.

This past weeks goals were quite difficult for me, yet I was able to accomplish them. Now it is time to share this weeks goals:

1)  Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. Like I have said in previous weeks this is going to be a continuing goal of mine till I am done with the book..

2)  Work on jigsaw puzzle. I started a jigsaw puzzle over the weekend. I highly enjoy jigsaw puzzles and it helps me deal with overwhelming emotions, just like reading does.

3)  Work on a self-help workbook; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, PhD., Jeffery C. Wood, PSY.D., and Jeffrey Brantley, MD. Yes, I have been through Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) but I think it is always nice to have a refresher. Even if it is through a self-help book. My therapist thinks it is a good idea for the refresher part of the DBT self-help book.  (Side Note: If you do a self-help book, I highly encourage you to be seeking professional help as well. A self-help alone is not encouraged because it could bring up issues that you are unaware of that can not replace professional help.)

4)  Hang out with friends. I made an effort last week to make plans with people when I was extremely sad and dealing with overwhelming grief from the miscarriage I dealt with earlier this year. When things start acting up in regards to my mental illness or things become emotionally overwhelming, I tend to isolate. That is why I made plans with friends this week.

5)  Research the topic for my blogging feature. Yes, I will continue to do research for my blogging feature. I will be mainly researching for my first topic for my blogging feature but will also be doing research for future topics.

6)  Do a daily prompt every Tuesday. I got the idea over this past week to do a daily prompt every Tuesday starting tomorrow August, 18th. I got the idea as I was researching topics for my blogging feature. This way, I will be eventually, blogging at least three days week if you include the weekly goals, blogging features and a daily prompt once a week. That way I can make sure that you the follower/reader is not wondering where I disappeared to.

Thank you for allowing me to share with you my goals for the week. I know this week I was quite winded with my goals. As you can tell, this weeks goals are obviously geared toward my recovery as well as keeping up to date on my blog. Once again I am appreciative of being part of this blogging event over at: http://greenembe.rs/2015/08/17/building-rome-week-33-for-2015/ Have a great week!!  Peace out!!

Emotionally Drained

Posted on by Gertie

I saw my therapist, Diana, today, after not seeing her for three weeks because she was on a well deserved vacation. Todays, session was particularly more difficult than usual. One reason being that my normally one hour session lasted two hours. Yes, two hours. The client who had the time right after me had cancelled and I had the rare option of having an extra long session.

An extra long session that was needed which leads to the other reason why it why it was more difficult than usual. Diana and I first talked about my sadness in regards to the miscarriages I had. We discussed how grief works and how at times its demanding my attention and other times, “its not quite front and center but certainly there, a layer down or two.”  We also discussed how processing my emotions in doses that I am able to manage is one of the best I can do so I am better able to come to terms about the miscarriages. While discussing the miscarriages, I cried and as I cried, I noticed that Diana had tears in her eyes. I am grateful that I have a caring and empathetic therapist that isn’t afraid to show her emotions on occasion. It makes me realize that she is human and that it is okay to cry.

Crying is difficult for me because as a child I was “discouraged” from crying. In fact if I cried, I would get severely abused by my brothers father. In fact, Diana and I also discussed the trauma I suffered as a child. Not only did I cry as we discussed some of the abuse I suffered, I allowed  myself to be angry. Being angry was something else I was not allowed to do as a child. In fact the abuse was worse when I showed any type of anger.  Diana reassured me that it was not only okay to cry but more than okay to be angry.

Of course before Diana and I ended our session we did some breathing techniques. Diana is making sure that I am in a “good space” when we end our sessions. That is one of the many reasons why she is a good therapist. I am beyond grateful that I have her as a therapist and that I have had her for over six and a half years. Having a good therapist like Diana in my corner has helped a great deal in my recovery.

I need to get going. I am doing an evening shift at the young adult shelter I volunteer at. I know when I go volunteer there I have to make sure I am in a good space which I am. I am aware that when I get home from volunteering, I will be more emotionally drained but at least I have the skills to keep myself healthy. Have a wonderful evening everyone and peace out all.

A Wave of Grief

Posted on by Gertie

It is hump day (Wednesday) and I am just checking in. To tell you the truth, I am struggling a little bit with some sadness. Sadness due to the miscarriage. Some days are just better than other days and the last four or five days have been not so good. I have had a wave of grief that has hit me. Don’t get me wrong, there is always a part of me that is sad and grieving over the miscarriages, its just a strong wave of sadness has come over me at the moment.

Sometimes I feel all alone in my grief even though I know Junior shares the grief along side of me. Today, I discussed with him how I was feeling and we cried together. Yes, the crying helped a wee bit but not as much as I would have liked it to. I know grief is a process and that I will always miss the babies I lost. It just hurts that I was unable to meet them.

To make things worse, a lot of my friends are showing baby pictures or pictures of their school aged kids getting ready for school to start on Facebook. I don’t expect people to stop posting picture of their kids but it hurts. It hurts a great deal. The greatest pain anyone can face is that of loosing a child or children. I can say this because, I have lost two sets of twins due to miscarriage and as a child suffered years of abuse that included multiple r*p*s. Hell, I even suffered being r*p*d as an adult. Loosing a child hurts deep within my soul.

I am just grateful that I have Junior in my corner who know the pain of a loosing a child. I am also grateful that my therapist is back from vacation tomorrow and that I will be able to see her first thing in the morning. I know discussing the pain and sadness about the miscarriage with my therapist tomorrow will be helpful. No matter how difficult a session with my therapist is, I always seem to feel better.

I best be going. I think I am going to go for a walk and hopefully, Junior will join me. He usually does. Thank you for reading. Sorry for the depressing post. I know thing will get better as I continue to work through the grief. Have a great hump day (Wednesday) everyone and peace out!!

Weekly Goals

Posted on by Gertie

It is Monday and that means it is the start of another work week. So far the work week started off well. Not only is a start of another week but it’s time to share my weekly goals. Before I share this weeks goals, I would like to share with you how I did with last weeks goals. Last weeks goals:

1)  Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. Yes, I did read this past week. So far so good.

2)  Work on cross-stitch. Yes, I actually worked on in this week.

3)  Pick a topic and start date for blogging feature. Yes, I picked a topic but I’m choosing to not share it till I post it on my start date which is Friday, September 4, 2015. Yes, I know that’s while but I want to make sure I word my feature just right.

4)  Make an appointment for my regular doctor and dermatologist. Yes, I did make the appointments. This was the most difficult goal I had this past week. Despite how comfortable my doctors try to make me feel, I still don’t like going to the doctors.

5)  Color. Yes, I did color.

I did really well with accomplishing my goals this past week.  Now on to this weeks goals:

1)  Read Speaker of the Dead by Orson Scott Card. Yes, this is goal again. It will be a goal till I am done with the book.

2)  See my regular doctor on Thursday. This may seem like a simple task but it is difficult for me to do even though I never miss an appointment unless, I’m in the hospital or a family emergency.

3)  Research the topic for my blogging feature. It will take some research.

4)  See my therapist on Thursday. Again, not an easy task and I never miss an appointment. This appointment will be difficult because I need to discuss how much I am missing the babies I lost due to miscarriages.

Thank you for putting up with my weekly goals. They all are geared toward my recovery. I am appreciative of being about of the blogging event over at: http://greenembe.rs/2015/08/10/building-rome-week-32-for-2015/ Thank you for your time. Have a good week. Peace Out!!

Daily Prompt: State of Your Year

Posted on by Gertie

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “State of Your Year.” How is this year shaping up so far? Write a post about your biggest challenges and achievements thus far.

It’s the third day of July and that means the year is half over. The year now being officially half over is why I decided to do this particular past daily prompt.

The year didn’t start off on the happiest of notes. If you are a regular reader and/or follower you are aware that I had miscarried a set of twins in January. It was a devastating start to the new year. I was looking forward to being a mama. Needless to say the miscarriage has had me wanting this year to end two weeks into it.

As January turned into February, I realized that I not only wanted the year to be over, I wanted to end my life. I wanted to end my life due to miscarrying. That is when I realized I needed to get help by putting myself into the hospital twice. The first time for two weeks and then a week after I was discharged had to go back in for another five days. I was disappointed in myself that I needed to be hospitalized for psych reasons because it had been nearly three and half years since my last discharge from my last psych hospitalization. The miscarriage hit me harder than a bag of bricks hitting the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

Despite being hit by a bag of bricks, I realized that this particular crisis was different from the rest; I didn’t harm myself in any way. Yes, that means I didn’t attempt suicide nor self-harm. If one thing could come from the sadness of loosing a set of twins and the crisis that came after it, is that I don’t need to self harm nor do I need to go through it alone.

The major thing I have learned this year is that I am not alone and most importantly I know who is truly in my corner. Don’t get me wrong, I have known who has been in my corner for quite some time, I just fully realized on who is in my corner. I also realized that, those of who I thought were in my corner when it came to me being in a crisis weren’t able to do so, like I once thought. Now I know that it doesn’t matter how long you have known someone or how you met that person, it matters that they step up to the plate when a crisis arises.  Sometimes it’s a person you don’t necessarily expect.  An example of someone like that is my friend Susan over at https://bravelybipolar.wordpress.com/.

As the year continues on and the help of many people like Susan, my fiancé, Junior and many others, it is slowly but surely better. Yes, I still have my difficult moments but realize that the initial crisis of the miscarriage is over. It has taken quite some time for it to be over however I have accomplished the fact that I not only not harmed myself in the crisis, I was able to allow others in my life to help me in one of the most darkest hours of my life.

Looking back on my year thus far, I would say that one of my major accomplishments is continuing to live my life as I would have before miscarrying. That means, I continued on going to work, going to my volunteer job at the Warm Line and most importantly spending time with friends and select family members. I also allow myself to grieve over the loss of my children. Amongst the major accomplishment of living my everyday life in the middle of a crisis, I decided to volunteer other places.

Yes, I’m now volunteering not only at the Warm Line and the Mental Health Clubhouse I am a member of but a young adult shelter. I’m doing this because, I not only miss volunteer at the main shelter of the mental health I agency I am now employed at but I want to eventually work with young adults struggling with a mental illness. The reason being is because, I’ve been there. I was a young adult seeking treatment and felt like nobody understood because everyone else to start getting treatment till their late twenties and early thirties if not older. Volunteering at the young adult (18-25) shelter is a way to make sure I want to work with particular age group in the profession sense. What’s the worse thing that can happen? I realize its not the age group I am meant to work with and another thing to put on my résumé. So far I’m loving the fact that I am not only volunteering in a homeless shelter but volunteering with the age group that I am wanting to work with professionally.

As the year continues on, I am looking forward to what it brings professionally. I love my job as a Consumer Advocate however I want to be a Peer Support Specialist. I have been looking at Peer Specialist positions within the agency I work for as well as other agencies however I realize I am more likely to get hired on, if it is at another agency, if I have been at my current employer for at least a year. My one year anniversary at my current employer is September 8, 2015. Since my anniversary is in September, I have decided to wait to late November, early December to apply for Peer Specialist positions due to the fact that I will have been employed for an entire calendar year (January to December) by the time I find out if I get hired for a job. The longer you are at an employer the better it looks to future employers. Not only that, I also need to do a few things done to ensure I will able to get a job as a Peer. They are to get my teeth fixed as well as to get a drivers license. Yes, you read right, I don’t have a drivers license. I have always lived in area’s that have pretty good public transit. Another reason why I want to get a drivers license is because many positions require one. Not only will having a drivers license be helpful to me professionally, so will getting my teeth fixed. People do tend to look at ones smile when it comes to an interview as well as in everyday encounters and that is why I want to get them fixed. Plus it will make me feel better about myself.

Overall, I am feeling better about myself as 2015 continues. Yes, it has not been the best of years so far however, I am going to make sure it ends on a higher note than it did when it started or at least try. We all know that there are things beyond our control. The year may have started badly but I know as it continues, I am making sure there are positives in it. One way I am making it positive besides professionally is by hanging out with awesome people. That is what I am about to do after I end this particular post. I do apologize for it being so long. I hope to blog again tomorrow for the 4th of July. If I am unable to do so, have a Happy 4th of July. Be safe and Peace Out!!!

107 Questions With 107 Answers

Posted on by Gertie

I got the idea for this post from another blog, which I of course follow. Thank you Marci over at http://marcimentalhealthmore.com/  It means a great deal to be able to share ideas (and sometimes even still them with permission of course) with other bloggers. Yes, I did add, change not include some questions so I could make it geared more to my blog. .

1. Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging for two reasons: 1) to educate those who don’t have a mental illness in hope to lessen the stigma that goes along with it. 2) to show others who do struggle with mental illness that recovery is possible and there is hope.

2. How did you come up with the title of your blog?

I came up with the title, Gertie’s Journey because Gertie is my nickname and I would be discussing my journey along the way.

3. Why not use your real name in your title?

I originally didn’t use my real name because of the stigma that goes with having a mental illness. I now don’t use my real name because I work in the mental health field and need to protect my privacy.

4. Does that mean you have a mental illness?

Yes!!

5. What are your diagnoses?

As of right now my diagnoses are Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), PTSD, OCD and ADHD. So, I’m an Alphabet Soup.  At one point in time I was diagnosed  with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I no longer meet the criteria of BPD and consider myself a Recovered Borderline.

6. Do you consider yourself in recovery?

Yup, I do!!!

7. What do you do to stay in recovery?

Most importantly, I make sure I see my therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner (ARNP) on the regular basis. I take my meds as prescribed daily. I make sure I go about my regular routine even if I’m struggling. I exercise on the regular basis.

8. How are you, really?

Overall, I am doing pretty good despite having high anxiety due to PTSD symptoms.

9. How are you feeling right now? What are you thinking about?

Umm….I think I just answered this. If you can’t remember go back to the previous question (as I say sarcastically). I’m thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner. I’m also thinking about working on scrapbooks I’m making for people for their holiday gifts. Yes, I know the holidays are six months away.

10. What is your favorite color?

Purple

11. What is your favorite food?

Mac & Cheese, Strawberries, Mexican Food

12. What is your favorite dessert?

Strawberry short cake and peach cobbler

13. How old are you?

Somewhere between 30 and 39. (Said sarcastically) Honestly, I am in my mid-30’s.

14.  What have you learned today?

I learned about Buddhism and meditation from a book I am reading about Buddhism.

15. What do you do?

I am a Consumer Advocate in a supportive housing program at local mental health agency.

16. What are some of your favorite books?

Enders Game by Orson Scott Card; The Stand by Stephen King and J.A Jance books. I also like many poems by Maya Angelou, Langston Hughes and Emily Dickenson

17. Who are some of your favorite authors?

Orson Scott Card, Stephen King, J.A Jance, Emily Dickenson, Langston Hughes and Maya Angelou

18. What are some of your favorite movies?

BIG, Speed, It’s Kind of a Funny Story, comedies, horror, and many movies Robin Williams is in.

19. Who are some of your favorite actors?

Robin Williams, Winona Ryder, Betty White, and Will Smith

20. What kind of music are you into?

I like 80’s and 90’s music and I also like Punk Rock, Grunge, and alternative.

21. Who are some of your favorite musicians?

Nirvana, Tori Amos, K.D. Lang, Kurt Cobian, Amy Grant, Tears for Fears, Journey, Queen, AC DC, and I can continue on my favorite musicians but wont.

22. If you’re going to write a book, what would it be about?

It would be memoir of my life with a mental illness and my recovery.

23. What’s the scariest thing you have ever done?

I think it would have to be starting my recovery with both the eating disorders and my mental health diagnoses.

24. What accomplishment are you most proud of?

Graduating high school, getting my peer specialist certification and being in recover with my mental illness.

25. How did you meet your fiancé?

I don’t remember meeting my fiancé but will tell you how we met. We first met when I had attempted suicide and one of my housemates found me unresponsive and called 911. He was one of the firefighters on duty who responded to the call.

26. Do you have any children?

Sadly, no

27. Have you thought about fostering or adopting?

Yup, Junior and myself want to do foster care in hope of adopting the foster child/ren.

28. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a teacher.

29. What profession are you currently in?

I am in the mental health field.

30. How did you get into your profession?

I got into the field because I have my own mental health issues and want to be an example of what recovery looks like. Plus, I have a peer specialist certification.

31. Would you recommend your profession to other people? Why / Why not?

Honestly, it depends who the person would be because not everyone is fit to work in the mental health field.

32. What do you do for fun?

Camp, hike, rollerblade, walk, read, blog, watch movies, do jigsaw puzzles, do Sudoku puzzles, scrapbook, go to sporting events especially baseball games, going to concerts, listening to music, hang out with friends and select family members, and volunteer.

33. Do you like traveling?

I love it.

34. If you could visit any country in the world, where would you go and why?

Its a tie between Ireland, Australia and New Zealand. I would like to go to Ireland because I am half Irish and its part of my heritage. I want to go to Australia and New Zealand because I learned about it summer school between the 3rd and 4th grades and grew fascinated with both countries.

35. Who are some people you’d like to meet someday?

President Obama, Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, and Sigmund Freud

36. If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?

Refer to the previous question with the exception of President Obama since he is still alive.

37. If someone asked you to give them a random piece of advice, what would you say?

The future belong to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. Eleanor Roosevelt

38. What’s one of your favorite habits you have?

Going for a daily walk listening to music.

39. What are some things that make you really happy?

Sunny days, humor, my brother, my fiancé, nature, water, and my job

40. What are some things that make you really sad?

My miscarriages, most of my childhood, and how I have treated people in the height of my mental illness.

41. What are some things that scare you?

My PTSD symptoms I deal with on the daily basis. The mental health symptoms I deal with when I’m in crisis.

42. Do you like to plan things out in detail or be spontaneous?

I like both planning things and out and being spontaneous.

43. Are you a religious person?

No but I do consider myself Spiritual. I am on a Spiritual journey and looking into various faiths at this particular stage in my life.

44. Would you rather live in the country or in the city?

I am a city person. I love living in the city.

45. What was your life like growing up?

It wasn’t the best of childhoods.

46. What were you like in high school?

Depends on who you ask.

47. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?

Yes, I do. I have one half brother.

48. What’s your favorite part about today, so far?

The sunny weather, the strawberry shortcake I had and reading about Buddhism.

49. Who in your life has influenced you the most? How did they do it?

I’ve had many people who have influenced my life throughout my life and how those people did it is as unique as they are as people.

50. Have you ever tried sushi? (Did you like it?)

No, I have not tried sushi and never plan on trying it.

51. Do you like spicy food?

The spicier the better!!!!

52. How do you like your steak cooked?

Some pink but not a lot of pink.

53. If you were a type of animal, what would you be and why?

I think I would like to be an Orca because they are beautiful, intelligent animals and they get to be in the water all day.

54. What’s one of the strangest things you’ve ever done?

What are you talking about? Everything I do is strange because I am strange.

55. What kind of vacations do you like?

I love camping and any vacation I can learn something new.

56. What are some of your major goals in life?

To continue on my journey of recovery with mental illness.

57. What are some of your smaller goals in life?

To update my résumé and apply for peer support specialist jobs.

58. What do you like least about yourself?

The scars on my arms, legs and torso due to when I use to self harm.

59. What embarrasses you?

My speech impediment especially the stuttering (Its pretty much under control now but it acts up when I am under stress), being in little kid mode and being in a dissociated state.

60. If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?

Being a psychiatrist.

61. What’s your earliest memory?

When I was three and my mom abandoning me.

62. What’s the best decision you ever made?

Being in recovery and choosing to stay in recovery. Trusting my gut with being in a romantic relationship with my fiancé, Junior.

63. Who’s your best / closest friend?

My fiancé, and three people I grew up with and/or went to high school with.

64. What do you think people think of you?

I don’t want to think what others think of me.

65. What were your grades like in school?

They weren’t the best in the world, mainly because of learning disabilities and/or mental health issues.

66. If you could learn one random skill, what would you learn?

To learn American Sign Language (ASL), Spanish and German.

67. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

I’m a little of both.

68. Have you ever taken a personality test? (How did the results turn out?)

Honestly, I’m not sure because, I’ve I had so many different test throughout my life that they all kind of run together. I must have if I was diagnosed for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I am really grateful I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline.

69. Do you enjoy the particular sexual pose of what the number of this question is?

Very much so!!!!!

70. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

I notice both a persons eyes and smile.

71. Do you think people can control their own destiny?

To a degree, yes.

72. Do you think all people are equally valuable, or do you think some people in certain situations might be more valuable than others (say, a severely mentally ill patient vs. a doctor who could potentially save hundreds of lives)?

Define value!!

73. Do you think people are basically bad or basically good?

This is a difficult question for me to answer due to the fact that there are many factors to consider.

74. Do you think morals are universal or relative to the beliefs, traditions, and practices of individuals or groups?

I think it I need to know more before I could answer this question.

75. Do you think God exists?

Another complicated question. Yes, I do think that there is a spiritual being out there. I just don’t know who he, she or they are.

76. Do you think any kind of afterlife exists?

Yup, I am positive there is an afterlife.

77. Do you vote? Why / Why not? If you do vote, how do you usually vote?

Yes, I vote and I don’t disclose how I vote.

78. Do you think gay people choose to be gay? Do you think straight people choose to be straight?

I don’t think we choose our sexual orientation.

79. Is torture ever a good option? If no, why not? If yes, when?

Torture is NEVER a good option for any reason.

80. Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people?

I would never kill an innocent person.

81. What’s the most money you’ve ever given away?

I rather not disclose. The amount I give away to a charity or person is between me and the charity or person.

82. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve ever made?

Choosing to be in recovery.

83. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

I’ve done many stupid things that I cant just name one thing.

84. What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world?

This is a loaded question and difficult to answer. It is something I will have to ponder about.

85. What do you think we could do to best improve the education system?

Pay teachers more, smaller class sizes and bring back fine and preforming arts.

86. In general, what do you think about art?

I love it.

87. What are some of your favorite websites?

Any website that I am able to learn something on.

88. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?

That my ex-step dad wasn’t abusing me when he actually was.

89. What’s something most people don’t know about you?

I cry myself to sleep because I miss the babies I lost through miscarriages.

90. What’s something you wish everyone knew about you?

I love being able to help others.

91. What are some of the first things you do in the morning?

Go to the bathroom, take a shower, eat and take my meds.

92. What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?

Loosing two sets of twins within 14 months of each other due to miscarriage.

93. Do you cry easily?

No.

94. How do you feel about public speaking?

I hate it.

95. Do you like to talk on the phone?

Its better than texting.

96. How many emails do you get each week, roughly?

Depends what account. I have a work email, a personal email, a professional email and an email for this blog.

97. If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you hope would play you?

I wouldn’t want my life made into a movie so I hope nobody plays me.

98. What’s one of your favorite questions to ask new friends or to get a conversation going?

It depends on the situation I am in.

99. Would you ever sky dive or bungee jump?

I have always wanted to sky dive. When I was younger I wanted to bungee jump but as I get older it becomes less appealing.

100. Have you ever been in a fist fight?

Yup, in junior high.

101. What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled?

My senior prank in high school.

102. What did you do on your 16th birthday?

My friends had a surprise party for me.

103. What do you think is one of the most undervalued professions right now?

Teaching and any profession in the mental health field.

104. How would you explain your basic life philosophy?

When I look back on my life I rather regret the things I do than the things I don’t do.

105. Would you rather be hated or forgotten?

Neither

106. If you knew you would die tomorrow, would you feel cheated today?

I don’t want to know when I am going to die.

107. Now, how do you honestly feel after answering all these questions?

Exhausted but overall still doing well.

Awe-Inspiring Growth Spurts In Recovery

Posted on by Gertie

It’s been a few weeks since my last blog. Unfortunately, not only have I been busy with life, I have had writers block. With much discussion with both supportive and inspiring people in my life, it finally occurred to me on what to write about. The topic I desire to convey to you is growth spurts in respects with continued recovery with mental illness.

Despite some difficulties over the last few months I’ve come to the conclusion that my recovery is constantly changing and evolving. Evolving into who knows what, but whatever it is I know it has to be valuable and beyond what words can describe. It has been my experience that whenever I experience some challenges or difficulties along the way in regards to my recovery, it usually means that I am about to have a growth spurt.

As many of us know from childhood, growth spurts can be quite painful. Growth spurts are usually an awe-inspiring moment once the growth spurt is complete or nearly complete. As my current growth spurt comes to an end (or at least I think it is), I can’t help but think how it has reshaped who I am and what I am to accomplish before the next growth spurt.

Before, I continue let me explain what I consider a growth spurt in regards to recovery or at least to my recovery. A growth spurt to me in my recovery is when I learn something. Something that needs to be learned and sometimes that learning something involves being in a crisis.

Unforantenly, for me the current growth spurt that is finally coming to an end, involved me being in crisis. An intensely painful crisis at that. A crisis that made me acutely aware of who I am and how far I have come in my recovery as well as knowing who is truly in my corner and who I am able to count on.

Knowing who is in my corner and who I am able to count on has helped me a great deal. If it wasn’t for those in my corner, I would have not learned as much as I have during this current growth spurt because they were there for me when I needed them the most (and they still are) when I was (and still am)  grieving  over the loss of miscarry twins. Nothing hurts more than loosing a child or in my case a set of twins.

Acutely aware, that loosing the pregnancy is what put me into a mental health crisis makes it that much more difficult recover from for me. I am also aware that I have I have the skills, the people in my life to help me when necessary and most importantly hope that I did not have in the height of my struggles with the mental illness’s I suffer with.

Over the years, I have come to recognize that regardless of what the cause of a crisis, I can make certain that its a growth spurt that has a positive learning experience attached to it. I have learned a considerably good amount of how others deal (or don’t deal) when someone has a crisis when it involves the loss of a child. Unfortunately, discussing a miscarriage (and still born babies) is quite taboo which makes the grieving process that much more difficult. The one thing that I have learned and still am learning that its not only okay to talk about the miscarriage but to cry over the loss of my children. Yes, I still struggle a great deal with not only the miscarriage I had in January of this year (2015) but the miscarriage I had in November of 2103 however that doesn’t mean I stop living my life.

The living life as I slowly recover from my crisis due to a devastating life event is what is awe-inspiring to me. The reason being is because the farther apart my crisis’s are, the more I realize that I want to be involved with life despite the pain and/or chaos the crisis brings. Having this awe-inspiring moment in my recovery has been a work in process. In fact it’s been years in the making with mounds of difficult yet challenging work and effort on my part (as well as many clinicians doing their part).

If I had not put in so much effort into my recovery with the help of other, I wouldn’t be working at all especially at job I absolutely love. Being a peer support specialist is all about being living proof that recovery is possible. Another way, I am able to show that recovery is possible is volunteering on the Warm Line. My clients at work as well the callers on the Warm Line inspire me a great deal. They inspire me to keep going  and continue with my recovery even though they are unaware of it.

I am beyond grateful for having this awe-inspiring growth spurt in my recovery and being able to share it with you fine folks out there in this wonderful world of ours. Thank you so much for allowing be share my recovery with you. I’m going to call it a night a spend some time with my wonderful partner, Junior. Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace Out!!!

What Can I Say, It’s Mothers Day

Posted on by Gertie

As many of you know it’s Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is a source of pain for many us out there in this world of ours. The cause of the pain of Mother’s Day is as different and unique as each of us are as human beings.

For me Mother’s Day has been a source of pain since childhood. A source of pain I wish I could forget or at least no longer be as painful as it has been and currently is. I guess now is as good of time as any to bring up the source of many years of pain, my own mother.

The first memory I have of my childhood was not exactly the happiest and you guessed it, it involves my mother. I was the tender age of three when my mom did what many mothers would not even give a thought; she abandoned me. She didn’t just abandon me, she abandoned my dad. A dad that wasn’t exactly the worlds most perfect dad but a dad that loved me and tried the best of his ability to raise me. With my dad being a single father, that made realize how truly special my own grandmother was in my life.

If it wasn’t for my grandparents helping my dad, my dad wouldn’t have gotten custody of me when my mom decided to reappear into our lives two years late when I was five. At this point in time my dad had already gotten divorced my mom and got custody of me due to the fact that my mom abandoned me. In fact the lawyer that my wonderful grandparents got for my dad to make sure he remained the primary caregiver pointed out to the judge that if mother could leave her sick three year old alone at night as her husband was working didn’t deserve to have custody. Unforantenly, the judge to granted my mother visitation. The visitation was a complicated thing due to the fact that my dad and myself lived in Southern California and my mother lived in Western Washington.

Due to the visitation I spent my summers and Christmas’s in Washington State and the rest of the year in California. That meant as Mother’s Day rolled around, I was going to mother/daughter tea’s with my  grandmother. As I got older it got that much more difficult.

It got more difficult because mother started dating a guy who wasn’t exactly prince charming. He not only beat my mom but decided to take out his anger on me as well. He not only took out his anger me but also desired me in a way grown adults shouldn’t desire children of any age. Yes, that means I was sexually abused. Actually, I was raped by this man. I was put through years of it before he just upped and left my mom and brother.

In fact if it wasn’t for my brother, I would have asked to go to court to ask the judge to take away my mother’s visitation rights away from her. In fact I would have asked the judge to take away her parental rights away. If I would have that means my brother would have ended up in foster care  again and me no longer being able to see him. In fact my brother and I are close and we both call our mother, our egg donor because that is what she ultimately is to the both of us.

Despite all the pain my mother caused me throughout my life, there is a different pain I struggle with. That is the pain of loosing a child. In fact in my case, it’s children. I miscarried two sets of twins within 14 months of each other. This year Mother’s Day is more difficult for me than last year because we (myself, my fiancé, doula, and doctor) were more hopeful and encouraged about how my last pregnancy was progressing verses how my first pregnancy had progressed. I cant help but think how big my first set of twins would be if I didn’t miscarry them. I also cant help but think about my last pregnancy, if I didn’t miscarry back in January (of this year). I wonder if I would still be pregnant or if I would have delivered the twins because this set of twins were due on May 29th (of this year). As any parent knows, there is no greater pain a person can endure than loosing a child. I unfortunately, lost two sets of twins. As much pain I endured as child, the pain of miscarrying two pregnancies is a much great pain to me. The children I miscarried will always be a part of me.

As you can tell by this lengthy blog, Mother’s Day is quite painful for me for many different reasons. As you celebrate your mother’s or are being celebrated as a mother please take a moment of gratitude for the mother you have and/or the child(ren) you have. Not everyone has the blessing of having mother who cares or (a) child(ren) to take care of and love.

Before I end this blog, I would like to take the time out and wish all the Mother’s out there a Happy Mother’s Day. I would especially like to thank my grandma as well as others in my life to stepping into the mother role when I needed it the most. Happy Mother’s Day.