Tag Archives: Suicide

Figuring Out How To Succeed At Blogging

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Friday!!!! Apparently, I’m not reaching as many people as I hoped I would be. I only have 15 followers and don’t get many views. I am just getting frustrated with myself because I am not blogging as regularly as I was wanting to as well as not doing much educating when it comes to mental illness. I was hoping that I would educate people on particular mental health diagnoses but it appears that something is getting in my way in doing that. That something is me. I’m the one that is hindering the progression of this blog. On the positive side, I know that through my blog that I am showing others that recovery is possible (or at least I think I am).

My thinking was (and still is) when I started this blog was to show others that recovery is possible and that their is hope. I know that my blog is succeeding to a point when it comes to showing others that recovery is possible but it’s not succeeding in other ways. Its not succeeding in the number of followers or views I have or get and I think the reason being is the reason I stated earlier in this blog and that is the education part of it. I am hoping that once things start settling down with the new job as well as the new volunteer job that I will be able to start the education part of this blog. It is my hope that I will educate on the diagnosis’s that I have as well the ones I no longer meet the criteria for. I then hope to do some education on the diagnoses that family members and close friends struggle with and then go on from there.

Now that you heard enough about how my blog is not succeeding let get on to other subjects. I will start with my boyfriend. When he got off from work this morning I had made him breakfast. I made him pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs. According to my boyfriend I burned the bacon. He pretty much likes eating bacon raw or at least almost raw. He likes all the fat on it. I do have to say that the fat on the bacon is what makes bacon taste good. After eating breakfast and doing dishes we had some intimate moments. Intimacy is something I personally struggle with because of some severe trauma I experienced as a child and even some trauma I experienced as an adult. With that being said my boyfriend makes me feel safe especially during intimate moments. He is gentle with me and extremely loving.

Speaking of loving, I am loving my new job. Yes, I know a loving partner is completely different than loving your job. I not only love my job, I enjoy it as well. My job gives me great joy even though its not the position I desire. In regards to it not being the position I desire its a foot in the door as well as moving up opportunities.

Since we are on the topic of opportunities, my volunteer job at the Warm Line gives me training opportunities as well as possible career advancement at my current employer and possibly at the Crisis Line where the Warm Line is run out of. Yes, I know what I just said sounds a little selfish but if what I do employment wise as well as volunteering gives me a purpose in life then so be it. I’m improving with being a call taker on the Warm Line and am no longer a deer in head lights. I am finally getting in the grove of things as a call taker.

I so want to share more with you right now but I realize I am hungry and need to figure out what I want to cook for dinner. I’m hoping that my boyfriend will give me some idea’s. Actually, I am hoping that he will do the cooking tonight.  Well, have a good Friday evening everyone. I hope everyone enjoys there weekend and has some fun. Peace out.

Difficult Day At Work

Posted on by Gertie

Well, its Tuesday evening and I’m in my third week of my new job. Today has been the most difficult day yet. The reason being is because we as in my co-workers, boss and I had to call the County Designated Mental Health Professionals (CDMHPs) on three of the residents that live in the housing project we work in. One did not get detained (or hospitalized) while the other two did get detained (hospitalized). Being detained means they were involuntarily hospitalized because of the severity of their mental health symptoms. In 72 hours (not counting weekends or holidays) the clients will go to mental health court see if they will be held for another 14 days or released. Unfortunately, there is a possibility of me having to go to mental health court on Friday. I don’t work Fridays but I was told if I have to go to court I get paid for it. I guess is the down side of working in the mental health field.

I really do like my current job. It so beats working at a grocery store for ten cents above state minimum wage and that was after being there 9 1/2 years. In my current employment I earn two dollars above the state minimum wage. I am glad I made the job change.

I should get going because my boyfriend says dinner is ready. I’m hungry so I’m going to go eat the meal my boyfriend made me. Have good Tuesday evening everyone. Peace Out!!!!

Struggling A Little Bit

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s another Thursday and I have been struggling a bit for about a week or two now. I didn’t realize how badly I was struggling till this past Monday (8/11/2014) when I dissociated. The unfortunate part of the dissociated state it that I ended up cutting. I am so disappointed that I cut. I hadn’t cut in three years. When I started coming out of the dissociated state and realized what I had done, I freaked out and called 911. Of course the fire department came and checked me out and then I was taken to the emergency room.

      My experience in the emergency room wasn’t the best I have had in the 14 years I have been going to this particular ER for both psych and medical reasons. On the positive side both of the physicians were caring and sincere in wanting to help me. It was both the nurse and the social worker that didn’t make my experience all that great. The nurse was just negative with me the entire night. She told me that I needed to get my act together and that if it wasn’t for the HIPPA law that she would tell my boss’s about what happened. (Side note: The nurse shops at the grocery store I work at on the regular basis). When the social worker finally talked to me her demeanor was as if she didn’t want to be at work or got the short straw to talk to me. I told the social worker what the nurse said and the social worker told me that the nurse would never say that and I that I was being “hostile.” The question I have is how can I be hostile if I am sitting on the floor in a corner of the room with a blanket around me and sucking my thumb holding a stuffed animal. If that’s “hostile” then I would hate to think what her (the social workers) point of view is on violent behavior. The social worker then had the guts to tell me that she didn’t believe me that I dissociated. As she told me this one of the doctors came in to check on me and well he didn’t seem too happy with the social worker at the moment. The doctor asked how I was doing and I said I was doing better (which I was) and then said that he believed me. This doctor has treated me before and knows that I dissociate. Well, to make a long story short the doctor talked to the social work who in return said, I’m only apologizing because I was asked to. I really don’t like it when people are forced to apologize to me or others when they don’t mean it but am grateful that doctor cared enough to talk to her. His heart was in the right place. Thankfully, I wasn’t hospitalized. I was sent home.

    For me being sent home was a good thing. It means that I am far enough in my recovery process that I can continue to do what I need to do in my everyday life. For me going on with my life is what I need to do. That means continue going to my volunteer training at the Warm Line as well as going  to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. That also mean I will go to work tomorrow as well as on Saturday and any shifts I have next week. For me if I wasn’t in recovery I wouldn’t have bothered going to the Warm Line training this past Tuesday as well as my listening shift last night nor would have I gone to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. I consider this episode as a relapse. I am picking up where I left off before I dissociated and harmed myself. Another thing I am waiting on is my therapist to call me back. She was sick on Tuesday and doesn’t work on Wednesdays and hoping she is back in the office today. If she is still out today I will just see her at my regularly scheduled appointment. As much as I am beating myself up over what happened I have to get up and dust myself up and make the choice to continue my recovery process.

     I debated whether or not to share this with you because I didn’t want to trigger anyone nor did I want to worry anyone. I decided to blog about after I discussed it with my natural support system and they said it would be a good idea because it will show that I am human (which I am) and that I can pick up with my life even though its a little difficult at the moment. Yes, I know I blogged on Tuesday but I didn’t have my mind wrapped around what happen the night before and needed some space before I blogged about it. Now there is enough space and decided blog about what happened with the encouragement from the people who care about me. I am hoping that me blogging about this shows that people with mental illness can work through there issues as they continue with their everyday life. For me to continue with my everyday life is key to my recovery. It is my hope that this blog entry can show others struggling with mental illness that recovery is possible even if you relapse and that hope is out even if you relapse. I am worried about what my therapist is going to say on Monday but I will deal with that when it comes. As much as I don’t like my job I am looking forward to work tomorrow. I am grateful that I am able to work. Continuing to go on with my everyday life is something I’ve learned to do to not go farther backwards.

     Speaking of continuing with everyday life I need to get going. I need to eat and get my work clothes ready for tomorrow before I go to my volunteer training at the Warm Line. Have a good rest of your Thursday. I hope I didn’t trigger or worry anyone. Peace out!!

Just Another Tuesday

Posted on by Gertie

     Well another Tuesday is about over with and I am exhausted. I am not sure why I am so exhausted because I honestly didn’t do all the much today. I pretty much hung out with my boyfriend all day. We spent our time just being lazy. We worked on a jigsaw puzzle most of the day. We worked on the jigsaw puzzle till I had to go to my volunteer training for the Warm Line.

     I am enjoying the training immensely. I have another listening in shift tomorrow and am looking forward to it. I can not wait till I am actually taking calls on the Warm Line because I want show people hope and that recovery is possible. Volunteering gives me a sense of purpose in this world.

     Speaking volunteering I am looking forward to my volunteer shift  at the homeless shelter tomorrow. I cant wait to see the clients tomorrow. They give me so much joy and they have no idea that they do.

      Volunteering anywhere gives me a sense of purpose and I think it helps me more than it does the people I help. Giving of your time means so much more than giving of money. Yes, money helps but giving of your time means much more to the person or persons that you are helping.

      My boyfriend spending time with me means more to me than how much money he spends on me. I rather him save his money. I love simple lazy days with him like today. I love that we can work on a jigsaw puzzle and be content with it. We don’t have to go out to some fancy restaurant to enjoy each others company. I love my boyfriend with all my heart.

      Speaking of my boyfriend I should get going because I want some cuddling time with him. Cuddling is always an enjoyable event. Well, enjoy the last 1 hour and 7minutes that is left in Tuesday everyone. Goodnight and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace out.

Monday Of Mourning R.I.P Robin Williams

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s another Monday and in all honesty is a Monday of Mourning. As many of you have heard or read; Robin Williams passed away at the age of 63 from a suspected suicide. The news has said that he suffered from Depression but in all actuality he suffered from Bipolar Disorder, ADHD and couple of other things I cannot remember. I waited a few hours after I heard the news about Robin Williams to blog about it because I wasn’t sure what to say. I realize there is really nothing much to say than what others have said however I will share my memories regarding Robin Williams.

     My first memory of Robin Williams is watching reruns of Mork & Mindy on Nick & Nite in the middle of the night as a child. Mork & Mindy helped me through some rough moments when things got really bad with the abuse I suffered as child. Sometimes I wished I was an alien from another planet with a life for that cared. His humor helped me through out my life.

     Robin Williams got me through my childhood with Mork & Mindy while in my late tweens and early teen he got me through with Hook, Aladdin, Fern Gully, and Mrs. Doubtfire. In my mid to late teens the movies The Birdcage, Good Will Hunting, Patch Adams and the discovery of Dead Poets Society helped me through being a teenager. Plus, the numerous other movies he has made through my twenties and into my thirties has touched my life. All the movies I’ve mentioned plus many more I have watched time and again because I know that they help out with some part of my life or just a simple movie night with friends. 

    We all have moments we will remember where we were when we heard the news of something major. For me, Robin William’s death is one of those moments. I had come home and turned on my computer and looked on my Facebook when I heard the news at 4:15pm (pacific time). I found out on Facebook. Robin Williams has had a profound impact on my life. I have met him on several occasions as well as received hand written letters from him. In those letters he encouraged me with my recovery process with my mental health issues. I just wish he was still here so he could encourage others in their recovery process. Robin Williams was a very important person in my life regarding my recovery. Hell, he still is.

    Robin Williams I know you are know longer with us but I know you are somewhere out there reading this. Just know you have had a profound influence on my life. Thank you so much for being a positive influence in my life. Thanks for making me and billions of others laugh till we peed our pant. We will miss you very much. You are so very much loved.

    I am ending this blog in tears. I hope to blog tomorrow about how the rest of today went. I normally don’t cry but I feel like its a good time to cry when a person who influenced your life passes away. Again I hope to blog again tomorrow. I hope the rest of you Monday turns out happier. R.I.P ROBIN WILLIAMS

It’s Been A Couple Of Days

Posted on by Gertie

     Happy Friday!!! If you are a follower to my blog or a regular reader you are aware that I haven’t blogged in a couple of days. I haven’t blogged for a few reasons. One reason is I wasn’t sure what to blog about another reason I didn’t blog is because I’ve been so busy with life that I exhausted myself and have been too tired to blog.

     Wednesday was the day I had my interview. Thankfully, they didn’t have to reschedule with me again even though it almost got rescheduled again. When I showed up and a couple of the program managers at the agency realized that it was going to be the third time they just interviewed me with anyway even though it wasn’t the right set of interview questions. They felt that if I had rescheduled twice before that the interview should happen anyway. One the interviewers said that if I don’t get the job with program I applied for that they will find the funding for me to have job with there program as a peer and not a consumer aide. So it looks like either way that I might have job. I am hoping that I get the job as a consumer aide.

      I had a listening in shift with the Warm Line on Wednesday and well it was an “unusual day” for calls at the Warm Line. First of all they only received three phone calls that were not hang up calls. Second of all; all three phone calls ended up suicide calls that needed to be transferred to the crisis line. I only listened in on two of those calls. They want me to do another listening in shift so I know what a “typical” shift looks like. A shift usually isn’t so slow nor does it get “crisis” calls. I’m just waiting on when my next listening in shift will be. I guess I will be getting three listening shifts instead of two and that is cool with me. I am looking forward to September when I start being a call taker on the Warm Line.

     Speaking of volunteering, I am looking forward to Wednesday when I volunteer at the homeless shelter. I love my volunteer job at the shelter. The clients at the shelter are known for being difficult to serve because of the severity of their mental illnesses and/or addictions and I love the challenge. If I get the job as a consumer aide I will be a little sad because I cant volunteer and be an employee at the same time with the agency that runs both the shelter and the program I applied and had the interview for. Yes, I want the job however I will miss the clients at the shelter. Again if everything works out the way I hope it does I will be starting the job as a consumer aide the same time I officially will be a call taker on the Warm Line. I know I shouldn’t be getting my hopes up so high but I really want the job even though I will miss volunteer at the shelter.

     As some of you know Fridays are my Mondays and that means I worked today. Today was just a shitty day at work. A day that made me realize I want the hell out of my current employment. Working at grocery store with the same employer for the last 9 years has made me realize that I am meant to be in the mental health field. I don’t like having people yell at me for something I have no control over. Working in a grocery store is NOT my cup of tea.

    Speaking of tea that reminds me that I need to take time out to take care of myself. I am going to go and have a cup of hot tea. Yes, I am having tea on an 80 degree day. Why not? It is a way to take care of myself. I better get going. In all honesty, I hope to blog again tomorrow. Have good weekend everyone. Peace out!!!

A Little Tired To Blog

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s another Tuesday and I am tired as hell. Sorry I haven’t really blogged. I was hoping to blog earlier but I’m just extremely tired. I had several screaming nightmares last night and I am most appreciative that my boyfriend helped me through. I really should be in bed right now because I have a job interview tomorrow.

      I have a job interview tomorrow with the same agency who runs the homeless shelter I volunteer at. Hopefully, they don’t have to reschedule the interview again. If they do I wont be a happy camper because I had to tell the shelter I wouldn’t be there again tomorrow due to the interview being rescheduled. I love volunteering at the homeless shelter. The clients might be considered difficult but I don’t find them difficult. If you treat them with respect they will treat you with respect. I am fearful that they are going to reschedule the interview again. I just don’t want to miss another volunteer shift at the homeless shelter. Volunteering at the shelter gives me a since of purpose.

     Having a since of purpose is huge and I think that is why I am going through the Warm Line Training. In fact I went to training this evening and I am enjoying it. Tomorrow I have my first listening in shift. I wont be doing any talking just listening in to see how the calls are taken and what they are like. We have another listening in shift toward the end of the training as well. I hope I am good enough to be a call taker on the Warm Line.

     If everything works out with getting the job that means I will been ending my volunteer job at the homeless shelter because you cant volunteer and be an employee at the agency but I will be starting the Warm Line about the same time I start the job if I get it. So what I am trying to say as one volunteer job might be coming to an end if I get the job it will work at that I will be starting a new volunteer job. It looks better on a job résumé that way. As much as I don’t want to quit volunteering at the shelter I want the job even more. Even if I don’t get the job volunteering two places looks good on the résumé as well. I just really want the job. Like I said I will have to quit the homeless shelter if I get the job and if I get the job I will be starting to be an official volunteer call taker at the Warm Line. I hope this paragraph is making sense because I am just really tired.

     Since I am really tired I am thinking I should end this blog entry for now. I hope to blog tomorrow regarding both the job interview and the listening shift with the Warm Line. I will not be able to discuss what the callers said due to confidentially. Enjoy the rest of your Tuesday evening. Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace Out!!

Tuesday Night Rambling

Posted on by Gertie

     Today was another beautiful day in the neighborhood. Before I go on about my ramblings I want to tell you about my celebration last night regarding 1,000 day of being out of an inpatient unit. Well it turned out that roughly 50 people showed. Some of the people that were there came as a shock to me because I didn’t realize that cared. It is nice to know so many people care about me and my recovery. The best part was that my own dad was there. It was nice that my dad is supports me in my recovery process.

     Something I did today in regards to recovery was start training for a peer run Warm Line. A Warm Line pretty much always run by Peers. When I say peers I mean people who are in recovery from a mental illness and/or co-occurring disorders. A Warm Line is designed to help others struggling with a mental illness and/or co-occurring disorder. The training for the Warm Line is 5 weeks long at 2 days a week and 4 hours each day. If you do the math that is 40 hours of training before you are a call taker on the Warm Line. I love being of service to people and if being of service to people means volunteering then I am more than happy to volunteer.

     I unfortunately am not going to be able to go to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter tomorrow because I have an interview with another program at the agency that runs the shelter. I don’t like missing my volunteer shifts at the shelter for any reason because I really enjoy volunteering in the shelter. At least missing the shift is for a good reason which is for the interview. My interview is 10 o’clock in the morning and it will last about two hours which why I am not going to make it to my volunteer shift. I wont make from my place and back in time because I would want to change and I take the bus. I really hope I get the job even if that means that I have to quit my volunteer job at the shelter. See I cant be a volunteer and a employee at the same agency even if its in a different program because of conflict of interest and L&I laws. Even though I will be sad to have to quit volunteering at the homeless shelter if I get the job, I really want the job. If I get the job then the volunteer job at the Warm Line couldn’t have come at a better time. I really want this job because its time for a career change for me. Wish me luck with the interview.

     Well, I should get going because I want to be well rested for my interview as well as being as prepared as possible tonight so I am not rushing tomorrow morning. I really don’t like feeling rushed. Its one of the worst feelings one can have.  Anyway, have a good night everyone. Enjoy the rest of you Tuesday night. Peace out!!

Everything From Hiking to Intimacy to Blogging & Other Such Things

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s still Saturday and it has been an amazing one at that. My boyfriend and I went hiking and had a picnic in the woods. It was romantic having a picnic in the forest. This wasn’t the first time we had a picnic in the woods. Being out in nature with the person you love tends to bring you closer together.

     Being closer to my boyfriend is always a good thing especially when it comes to intimacy (sex). When we got back to his place after hiking we became intimate. It feels so good to be able to trust someone enough be intimate with. See, when you have suffered severe childhood abuse and other traumas you tend to not trust people especially when it comes to intimacy. For me trusting my boyfriend with sex and intimacy is a major deal and he knows that. That is why when we are intimate with each other he is gentle and patient. He is amazing in bed. Yes, I do have his permission blog about intimate moments with you all.

     The reason why he is cool me sharing about the intimate moments is because he likes what I am trying to do with this blog. He likes the fact that I am not only trying to help people who struggle with mental illness and show them that recovery is possible and that hope is out there but to educate “normal” people (like him) about mental illness. In fact my boyfriend is one of the people who encouraged me start this blog. He is what I call a normie. A normie is a normal person.  A normal person is someone who doesn’t struggle with a mental illness or any other disability. My boyfriend really hopes that this blog reaches normies because he wants it to prove to them that people who struggle with a mental illness do live productive lives and are loveable. Yes, he says some moments are more difficult than other moments but he is more than willing to stick it out with me. All I want with this blog is to show people who struggle that there is hope and recovery is possible. I also want to educate those who don’t struggle with mental illness that we are like everyone else and that we live productive lives. Yes, everyone who has a mental illness has a different way to be productive but so does everyone else in this world.

     Speaking about being productive, this next few weeks are going to be quite productive. I go back to work this Monday after being on vacation for a week. This Wednesday (July 30th) I have a job interview. Then this Tuesday (July 29th)  start volunteer training for a peer run Warm Line. The training is twice a week; Tuesdays and Thursdays for five weeks. Each day of training is four hours. So eight hours of training each week for five weeks equals to 40 hours. I am looking forward to this training. For me being productive is going to work, volunteering and going to various training in regards to peer counseling and volunteering. Another way that I am being productive is by voting. I voted in the primary elections. I want to make sure that my voice is heard and one way for it to me heard is to vote.

      Being heard is a big thing for those who struggle with a mental illness. I want to be a voice for those who cant speak up for themselves. I hope that I am that voice on this blog. I am hoping that one day I can educate you all on the particular diagnoses that I struggle with or have struggled with. I want to make sure I have the correct information before I share it. For example what the DSM 5 says about the diagnosis as well as the definitions from the dictionary. My desire is to educate those who may not understand what it is like to deal with a mental illness.

     With all of that being said, I should end this blog for now. I kind of want to have more adult fun with my boyfriend. I hope everyone had a good Saturday like I have had. Peace out and enjoy the rest of your Saturday.

Being Proactive About My Future

Posted on by Gertie

     Happy Friday!!! I have enjoyed my vacation immensely. It was great to see my brother for his birthday. Hell, I had fun seeing my brother. I always have fun seeing my brother. I’ve also been having fun with my boyfriend. In fact my boyfriend and I went hiking today and we both had a blast. We both enjoy going out in nature. It was nice that both my boyfriend and I had our vacations together and spent in it with each other. My boyfriend goes back to work on Thursday and I go back on Monday.

     I may not like my job but I am looking forward to go back to work. I am looking forward to going back to work because at the end of the day (no matter how good or bad it was) I have a sense of accomplishment. That is a big deal for someone who deals with a mental illness. Working at a grocery store is not easy and it is a thankless job a good portion of the time. Another unfortunate part about working in a grocery is that your schedule changes every week. I just wish the schedule didn’t change week to week. I’ve been working in the grocery store business and at the same employer for 9 years now its it time for a change.

    In fact I hope that change comes soon. I have a job interview on Wednesday for the agency that runs the homeless shelter I volunteer at. I really hope I get the job. Its a set schedule. I would only have to work two days a week which would be 15 hours plus get paid at least $2 more an hour than I do now. If I do get the job I will be a little nervous about changing jobs because I have been at my current employer for 9 years. Another thing is that if I do get the job I will miss my co-workers and some of my customers. My co-workers have become like family. I really want this job. I am trying to not get my hopes up because I haven’t even had the interview yet. I know the job I have an interview for is only a Consumer Aide and not Peer Counselor position, its at least a step in the right direction to get a job as a peer counseling.

   Speaking of a step in the right direction I am going to be starting training to be a volunteer call taker at local peer run Warm Line. The training is four weeks long, two days each week and five hours each day which equals to 40hours. I am wanting to volunteer on the Warm Line for many reasons. The first and main reason is that I want to help others. The second reason is that it looks good on a résumé. The third reason is that if I do get the job as a Consumer Aide that means I have to quit my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. You cant be employed and a volunteer at the same agency due to the job description and legal reasons with liability. I can understand that. I have really wanting to volunteer for the Warm Line for quite some time now and haven’t felt ready to do till now.

    Another thing I got involved in this past week is that I became a volunteer advocate for American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). A field advocate for AFSP basically emails there senators and congressperson(s) to encourage them to support or not support bills regarding mental health as well be a resource for the politicians. I figure that I want to be involved with politics some how that this a good way to get involved plus it regarding another thing that I am passionate about which is mental health. I am still debating weather or not to put this on my résumé. I know it will look good on one but not sure how future employers would take to it since it involves politics. Its something to consider. In fact I sent my first emails to my congressman and both of my senators introducing myself. I hope I can be a good resource for them.

    Another good resource is NAMI. I am a little frustrated with them right now because the just cancelled the peer to peer class I was suppose to take. This is the second time they cancelled it and both time they cancelled it was because the lack of interest. I find that difficult to believe because I live in major metropolitan area. Actually, I live in a major city. Another reason why I am I am frustrated with NAMI is because I am still waiting to hear back about volunteer with them. I sent them a volunteer application a month ago. I don’t know how long I should wait on about becoming volunteering with them. I think when Monday comes around I will call them to see if they even got my volunteer application. I know that if I do eventually start volunteering for NAMI that I will put it on my résumé.

     Well, now that I bored you all with about being proactive about mental health I will end this particular blog entry. Plus I want some intimate time with my boyfriend. Well, have a good rest of you Friday everyone. Peace Out.