Tag Archives: Mental Illness

Ted, Through Thick & Thin

Posted on by Gertie

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Good Morning, World!!! I think it’s time that I introduce the world to my best friend; Ted. Ted is pictured above and YES, he is stuffed Teddy Bear. Ted is a 38 year old stuffed animal that I’ve had since the day I was born.

This means he has been with me in both the good and the bad times. He has seen me through the trauma’s I’ve experienced as well as witnessed the triumphs in my life. For me Ted has been there when no human has. So, I guess you can say Ted has been with me through thick and thin.

I bring up Ted because he is the one thing I do to self soothe. As I mentioned in a previous post (https://gertiesjourney.com/2017/09/05/poor-air-quality-therapy-challenging-day/) my therapist and I talked about self soothing and how I feel like I don’t deserve to self soothe. During the discussion about self soothing, I brought up Ted and how he is the one thing I self soothe with. According to my therapist, as I talked about Ted, my body language changed to “being relaxed and comfortable.” She also brought up the fact that it was the first time she had seen me smile when discussing a part of my childhood. I can’t deny the fact that when discussing Ted, I’m relaxed as well it is most likely the first time she had seen me smile while talking about my childhood since she has been my therapist for only five months.

I, of course avoid talking about me like the plague. In fact, I rather have the plague than discuss my childhood. My therapist picked up on this quite quickly am grateful for it. She just like Diana, doesn’t push to talk about things I’m not ready to discuss. She might ask me questions but she respects how much or how little I tell her, just like Diana did.

I miss Diana and hope that she is getting better however I am happy with my new therapist. In fact I think my new therapist is realizing how beneficial stuffed animals are for me regarding therapy just like did. The reason I think this is because she saw how “relaxed and comfortable” I was when I talked about Ted. I’m hoping that when I have my next session with my therapist that she will be okay with me bringing a stuffed animal to therapy as it helps me discuss painful memories of my childhood.

As, I finish up this blog post, I realize that I’m holding Ted as write. If I think back to the start of my blog, I’ve held Ted during most of my blog post. So, yes, Ted has been a part of most aspects of my life including blogging. I hope that everyone has a great day and Peace Out all.

Remembering 9/11, 16 Years Later

Posted on by Gertie

Sixteen years ago today, the United States experienced a sad reminder of how cruel this world is. As cruel as this world is the people of this country, quickly realized how we can come together. A togetherness many Americans have seemed to have forgotten especially in the current political climate.

A political climate that is dividing this wonderful country. As politics divide this country one can only hope that we are one nation. A nation that can come together especially in times of need.

A time of need that people a remembering today. As we remember what happened 16 years ago, I hope we can come together as a nation.

As I end this blog post, I ask that you take a moment of silence in remembrance of all the people who lost their lives in the 9/11 attacks. It just didn’t effect our nation, it effected the world. I hope everyone has a good day. Peace Out!!!

Not Exactly The Best Fans In All Of Baseball

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! Right now, I’m watching the Seattle Mariners versus Los Angeles baseball game on television with Junior. Watching the game on television is a much better experience than I had last night when I watched the Angels play against the Mariners on the Mariners home turf at Safeco Field.

Last night I attended the Mariner versus Angel game at Safeco field. I went by myself as Junior had a prior engagement. Attending a baseball game by myself is nothing new for me. Its something I’ve done for years. I make an effort to attend a Mariners game when the Angels are in town as I am from Anaheim and a big Angel fan.

With that being said, I was sitting in my seat when the lady sitting next to me got irate with me. She asked me if I could move my soda to the other cup holder so she could put her drink in the one I was using as the other one she had access to was being used by the person she came with. I informed the woman “no as the other cup holder was being used by the person sitting on the other side of me.” The woman got upset with my answer and got the seating host who came to where I was and asked for my side of the story. The seating host asked if I would be willing to hold my soda and I declined. The seating host informed the Mariners fan that since the other cup holder was being used and I already moved my soda for the other fan she couldn’t do anything more. The fan got upset and poured her beer on me and stated “You a fucking retard. Seattle doesn’t want you here.” At this point in time the seating host then called for the police who arrived shortly there after being called. The police decided to not arrest the fan and warned her if she caused any more issues she would be ejected and trespassed for a year. I was then switched to a different seat as it was “easier to move one person versus three people.” They moved me two row ahead of where I was sitting and was still being harassed by this individual. The other fan that I was sitting next to before I was moved stuck up for me and ended up getting hit. Only then was this unruly fan got ejected. I feel like the person sticking up for me wouldn’t have gotten hit if the police and Safeco Field staff would have ejected the fan when she poured the beer on me.

I guess, I’m feeling responsible for all this because if I would have just moved my soda and held on to it, none of this would have happened. Some of the fans told me it was not my fault. I realize its not my fault but it feels like it. I guess, I’m angry over all this because the Mariners organization and Safeco Field pride themselves as having “the best fans in all of baseball.” I disagree with that because of the multiple experiences I’ve personally have had and/or witnessed while at Safeco Field. I know I shouldn’t lump all fans with a handful of bad apples but when I’ve either been the victim or a witness to poor fan behavior it difficult to not lump all fans together.

I have experienced the best in Mariners fans as well. For instance the fan who got hit last night by the other fan was sticking up me. I’ve had other fans, both last night and at other games that ended up buying me a hot dog or something to make up for “the bad behavior” of other fans. I’m happy that other fans are stepping up to the plate.

I’m not exactly happy how Safeco Field staff or the Mariners origination handled last nights ordeal. It would have been nice for them to have ejected the unruly fan. I was offered to five tickets for games next season since the season is almost over with for this year. I’m not sure if I’m going to take them up on as I don’t want to have another experience I had last night. I would rather have seen the fan ejected after having the beer thrown on me and not after having the other fan being hit. If they would have ejected the fan after the incident with me the other fan would have not gotten hit.

I am trying to not be angry over the situation and I know by the time next season comes around I will be “over it” and wanting to go to a game. Not sure if I will attend a game next season after what happened but I will think about it. I just hope what happened last night doesn’t happen to other fans of opposing teams.

As I end this blog post, I want to thank for reading and allowing me to vent. I hope that one day fans of opposing teams can be civil with each other while having fun. I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday afternoon. Go Angels and Peace Out!!!

Poor Air Quality + Therapy = Challenging Day

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! Today, hasn’t been the easiest of days for me but overall its been a good day. I have two main reasons why it hasn’t been the easiest of days and plan telling you about it in this post.

Let’s start with what is hitting close to home for a lot of folks here in the Seattle area; the air quality. Or maybe I should say poor air quality. The air quality is the worst I’ve personally experienced here in Seattle. I’ve had personally experienced worse air quality due to the fact I spent the majority of my childhood in Southern California however today was bad even for California standards. The poor air quality is due to the wild fires from across the state.

The wild fire smoke is so bad here in Seattle that many across the city have experienced their first time seeing it “rain ash” instead of actual water. It is an eerie experience seeing “rain ash” here in Seattle. I’ve experienced it before when I when I grew up in California but never here in Seattle. The picture below is suppose to be looking south at Downtown Seattle but you can’t see it because of all the smoke and ash in the air. On a clear day you would be able to see Downtown Seattle. I wish I had a picture to show a comparison however I don’t. So, I guess you’re going to have to take my word on that you can see Downtown Seattle from this vantage point. No, its not the usual “Seattle Gloom.” Yes, it is all ash and smoke from the wild fires from the wild fires.

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As difficult as it was for me with my breathing due to asthma because of the poor air quality, therapy was just as difficult for me. See, at my request from my last session my therapist and I discussed today about the Self-Soothing skill of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). The Self-Soothe skill is not an easy skill for me. In fact its one of two skills that aren’t second nature to me yet in regards to DBT skills. In fact its the skill I find the most difficult to do at the moment. Actually, its the skill I have found most difficult for me to do throughout my experience with DBT.

While my (relatively) new therapist and I discussed the self-soothing skill, it brought up a lot of other shit. Shit I don’t necessarily want to discuss on my blog or even am ready to discuss on it but shit that was difficult to talk to my therapist about. While discussing all the shit, my therapist decided to give me homework. My homework is to come up with five to ten affirmations. She let me set the number of affirmations I could write and I chose five to ten because I sort of wanted to challenge myself. Little did I know that this was going be an on going assignment. My therapist informed me that there is a second part to this assignment however I won’t get the second part of the assignment till our next session in two weeks. In all honesty, I’m not a big fan of homework as part of therapy but I have found it quite helpful to me. Therapy homework has helped me with my recovery which is why I attempt to not complain about it much.

I have found throughout the years that many of the “assignments” that I have received from therapist its to help me. Most of the assignments have ultimately helped me. I’ve had a handful that haven’t helped but that’s because I wasn’t exactly in the right space to have them assigned to me at that time. I do have to say that this assignment of having to write five to ten affirmations will help me. I might even share them with you when I am done with them. It won’t be easy for me to do but am looking forward to doing the assignment.

I’m looking at the time and realize that I’m a little hungry and am needing to eat. I also looked at how much I have written thus far and realize it might be getting a bit long for some of you. So, this is the point of my blog post to tell you, thank you for reading. I am truly grateful that you read my blog. Peace Out!!!

An Opportunity I Couldn’t Say No To

Posted on by Gertie

It’s been just over two weeks since I last blogged. I have usual excuses as of lately, which are: my symptoms were acting up or I was not in a good head space. Both of which are true but there have been times where I could have blogged.

One of those times I could have blogged was last Monday at this time. I was at the train station waiting for a train and I arrived three hours early by accident. I arrived three hours early because I thought my train left two hours earlier than it was scheduled to be. I was bored and I could have blogged as I waited for my train but didn’t.

I bet you’re wondering where I was going on the train. I know I would be wondering where someone was going if they were writing (or talking) about arriving at a train station two hours early. I will tell you where I was going.

I was offered a scholarship to attend a conference at the last minute. Not just any conference but conference specifically geared toward peer specialist here in Washington State. As badly as my symptoms were acting up I knew if I turned down the scholarship of attending the peer conference that I would regret it. I am beyond grateful that I attended and the only thing that it cost me was the train ticket to get there and back.

Attending the conference was just what I needed. It gave me the hope I need to help me with my recovery. Hell, not just my recovery but my career as well when I go back to work when things improve. It helped me a great deal with me getting refocused on what I need to, to get back on track. Things to help with my recovery and career as well as maybe some educational opportunities. In fact attending the conference was educational in it of itself.

We all know education can help with ones career. I hope that one day I will be able to get more of education to help with my career but that’s not what today is about. Today is about those who worked their asses off to get what they need to help themselves and the rest of us get better working conditions. Those people are the individuals that were apart of the Labor Movement. With out those fine individuals in the Labor Movement we wouldn’t have today; Labor Day. To those individuals working this Labor Day, thank for working today.

As I go and enjoy my Labor Day and end this post, I hope that I will post at later time about the peer conference. I learned a great deal there and would like to share my knowledge. I hope everyone has a good week. Happy Labor Day. Peace Out!!!

Phuk PTSD!!!

Posted on by Gertie

I just wish my nightmares would fucking stop. It is fucking angering that I keep having severe nightmares. Nightmares that appear to be increasing in severity. A severity I haven’t experienced in years and is quite concerning.

Thankfully, Junior is helping me through the after effects of the nightmare. He has been cuddling with me as it seems to be helping me the most at the moment. Feeling safe and secure in his arms is quite helpful. Another thing that is helpful for me right now is watching some television (T.V). Junior and I are watching M*A*S*H. Comedy and humor always seem to help me.

It never seizes to amaze me the love Junior has for me. He stays awake with me after my nightmare knowing that he will be sleep deprived when he does a 48hour shift. Junior’s love and kindness gives me hope that things will get better. It’s nice to know that no matter how bad things get for me, Junior won’t leave. I’ve put him through a lot of shit the last few months and he hasn’t left me. Junior has stated that he won’t ever leave me due to my mental health conditions.

I should get going as I want to spend some time with Junior and hopefully get back to sleep. I hope everyone has a good rest of the night. Happy Friday and Peace Out!!!

Woo Hoo; 200 Followers!!!

Posted on by Gertie

WOO HOO!!! I finally got my 200th follower. It has taken three years and three months to get my 200th follower. I know it might not be a big deal to you but is to me. It means that I’m actually reaching people who want to read what I have to say.

If you are new to reading my blog, WELCOME!!!! This blog was started to help educate individuals who do not struggle with a mental health condition that people like myself who do struggle can live productive and fulfilling lives in hopes to lessen the stigma that goes with having a mental health condition. I did at one point in time have an education piece of my blog regarding mental health and hope to get that started back up again.  The other aspect of my blog was and is to give those who do struggle with a mental health condition hope that there is recovery. Recovery is not an easy process and is non-linear. There will be bumps in the road and relapses in symptoms of mental health conditions. I hope that I can be of some encouragement to those who have mental health conditions. Again, I want to thank you all for following my blog.

I hope everyone has a good rest of the week. I appreciate each on everyone of you. Peace Out!!!

Fighting Against Anxiety

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I’m attempting to get ready to go see my case manager yet I’m struggling with going. My anxiety is high at the moment. I know if I don’t attend my appointment that my anxiety is just going to increase. Yes, I realize when I leave my apartment to go see my case manager, my anxiety will be quite intense for a few moments. Yet, if I don’t attend my appointment my anxiety will only increase and last longer than if I were to go

Thank you for listening (or in this case reading) to me vent. I hope to blog more later today or sometime tomorrow. Thank you for reading. Peace Out!!!

A Reminder of Where I Want To Be, Again

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! It has been a long yet rewarding day. As I have been writing about with you, my reader, I attended a continuing education training. Most of it was common sense stuff while some was review from other trainings. Even though most of it was a refresher for me however I did learn a couple of new things.

Most of what I learned that was new to me was what other agencies do in regards to ethics and boundaries when it comes to a Peer Specialist. Another thing that wasn’t much of surprise to me but just confirmed what already knew what that there isn’t a “set in stone” code of ethics for Peer Specialist nationally. Mainly because there is a massive gray area being a Peer Specialist.

Attending today was bittersweet because it reminded me of what I am currently at which is not a good space to be working with people who to, are struggling with their own mental health struggles. However, it also got me to thinking about my future. A future that will help further my career in the mental health field. I’m hoping to go back to school. I want to get my Associates Degree in Social and Human Services and hope to get a Bachelors Degree in Applied Behavioral Science. In order to do this I  need to do a few things first and hopefully when those are done I can be back in school in Spring of 2018.

As hopeful as I am toward my future at the moment, I need to focus on the here and now. The here and now means I need to eat and spend time with Junior. Yes, that means I’m ending this blog post for now. I hope that everyone had a good Monday. Peace Out!!!

Not Good Start; The Rest Will Be Good

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! I’m up at 4:09 in the morning because of a nightmare. A nightmare that is a symptom of PTSD. I highly dislike having PTSD and would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Waking up from a nightmare is never a great start to any day. I did have Junior by my side helping me through the after effects of the nightmare. Junior sat with me as I cried through the pain. The emotional and physical pain the nightmare brought. Yes, PTSD symptoms can cause not just emotional pain but physical pain as well. As I allow myself to cry, Junior held me to help me feel safe.

After I finished crying, I gave myself a few moments to recompose myself. As I recomposed myself I decided I will blog. Blog about what!?!? Nobody knows not even me.

I am looking forward to what today has to bring. I will be attending a continuing education training for Peer Support Specialist. Its on Ethics and Boundaries in Peer Support. Ethics and boundaries is something we all need in our personal and professional lives. This continuing education training I am attending will help me with my career when I get back into being a Peer Specialist.

Having a career as a peer specialist is know when to step away from things to focus on ones recovery. That’s what I am doing. As much as I would love to be working as a Peer at the moment, I realize focusing on my recovery is important. I just hope that me focusing on my recovery will help me grow as a person and as a Peer Specialist.

Anyway, I’m thinking that I should end this particular blog post for now. I need to get ready for the day ahead. I want be in a good space when I attend the continuing education training I will be attending. If I’m not too tired when I get home from the continuing education training, I hope to blog about what I learned I hope everyone has a great work week. Happy Monday and Peace Out!!!