Tag Archives: Recovery

Having A Rough Night

Posted on by Gertie

Good Morning, World!!! It’s almost two o’clock in the morning in my neck of the woods and am having a rough night. Right now, I’m by myself as Junior is working his shift. I’m okay with that. It’s just difficult because I’m having a rough night. There is only so much art work you can do in a given day. In fact I’ve been doing some form of art since my last post, yesterday evening. Yes, I have attempted to sleep however it’s been difficult to do so which is why I’ve been doing art work most of the night.

As much as I love being able to do art, however it was starting to get difficult to be creative with it. That’s when I decided to make a decision to blog which led me to make yet another decision to what free course I’m going to take through WordPress. I decided I’m going take the Everyday Inspiration course. I’ll either begin the course later on today or sometime tomorrow as I don’t want to overload you with too many post. After the Everyday Inspiration course, I plan on taking the Intro to Poetry course. I’m planning to doing this way as the Everyday Inspiration course is twenty days and the Intro to Poetry course is ten days. That equals to thirty days and I heard that it takes thirty days to create a habit.

Blogging isn’t the only habit I attempting to do. The other habit is doing some form of mindfulness and meditation everyday. So far it’s helping with my anxiety and PTSD. I’m hoping to tell you more about this at a later time.

I’m saying a later time because it’s now 2:09 in the morning and even though I’m having a rough night I want attempt to sleep. I hope everyone has a good rest of their day. Peace out, world!!!

Ramblings About Therapy & Other Things

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! As I sit here on my couch with my laptop on my lap I can’t help but think how this week is dragging on. I’m not sure why this week seems so slow but it does.

Despite it being a slow week, thus far, I still went to my appointment to see my therapist. Todays session was not an easy one as we discussed what happened to me two weeks ago. I was noticeably “high anxiety” according to my therapist which is something I can’t deny or argue with her over. We discussed a little about what happened. We mainly talked about how it’s effecting my life at the moment. My therapist saw me react to a flashback for the first time even though I’m 99.5% sure she was (and is) unaware of it. I’m not sure what she was thinking because I’m unable to read minds however I’m sure she thought I was reacting to something by showing some anger by punching the pillow. She noticed me with my slight “anger” with hitting the pillow and she stated “Let’s take three deep breaths” which we both did. The thing that shocks me is I didn’t react the way I typically do when someone says “deep breath(e).” Yes, I did have a flashback and body memory however I just flowed with the flow. Taking nice good breaths helped a great deal. We continued with the rest of our session. We ended the session with me not holding the pillow and my therapist having me take “a few deep breaths.” Yes, this triggered me however, once again, I went with the flow.

I owe me not reacting to my therapist telling me to “take a deep breath” to the Calm app and it’s meditation. The lady that does the meditation practice’s I’ve done thus far says “take a deep breath.”  I feel this has been a type of exposure therapy for me. It’s something, I think I need to bring this up to my therapist as it’s a big deal for me and my recovery.

Now that we are on the topic of this particular app. I used it on my way home from therapy to help me get in a better head space. It helped a lot more than I thought it would. I am grateful to the person who informed me about the Calm app.

On that note, I’ll end this post for now. I realize that I need to attempt to eat something even if nothing sounds appetizing. I hope everyone has good rest of the evening. Peace Out!!!

Figuring Out Ways To Get Back Into The Habit

Posted on by Gertie

Good Evening, World!!! I realize with the topic I’m about discuss, I’ve blogged about many times. I know I’m not a mind reader however I’m fully aware that many of you may not want to read this post due to the topic however I hope that you will read it.

If you have followed my blog and have been reading for a while you know that I’ve attempted on many occasions to do is blog on the more regular basis. You may also know that I’ve attempted on several occasions to start and complete free courses that WordPress does regarding blogging. I have completed some of the courses a couple years back however when I’ve restarted them to get back in the habit of blogging, I’ve not completed them. I have a lot of excuses on why I haven’t completed them in my most recent attempts to do so.

With my most recent attempts to complete the Intro To Poetry course, I’m not sure why I didn’t complete it because I’ve completed the course before and loved. Another course I loved and have only done once and completed; I’ve thought about retaking that course again. That course is Finding your everyday inspiration. So, I guess at this point in time I’m trying to figure out ways to start blogging on the more regular basis.

There are various reasons why I want to blog more regularly. One reason is to keep you my reader from loosing interested in my blog. As much as I want to blog more regularly, I also realize that if I blog to much like multiple times a day on the daily basis that I could loose you the readers interest as well.  The second reason why I want to blog more regularly is help others with their recovery as well as to help destigmatize mental illness. The third reason is that it helps me with my own mental health.

I guess, what I am saying is that I’m trying to figure out ways to blog more regularly and am debating with myself if starting a WordPress blogging course will help me with that. I know it did when I took them a few years ago. Realistically, I know I’m going to start one of WordPress’s courses, I just don’t know which one yet. I also fear that I won’t complete whichever course I take however I will deal with it, if that day comes. So, I will be taking one of WordPress’s course, I just not sure which one yet.

Anyway, you all get it. You all are probably rolling your eyes with this attempt to start blogging on the more regular basis. You’ve heard me say it before. I wont make promise’s that I know I won’t be able to keep or can not keep for whatever reason. I will attempt to blog more regularly yet I won’t promise that I will do so as I know its a promise I can not keep.

As I end this post, I want to let you know that I will inform you in a later post on what WordPress course I have decided to take. It will either be Finding Everyday Inspiration or Intro to Poetry. I hope that everyone has good even and a good rest of the week. Peace Out!!!

Tragedy In Vegas Hits Close To Home

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! If you live in the United States, you most likely heard about the shooting in Las Vegas. Sadly, this shooting hits closer to home to me than I would like to admit.

A friend of mine was at the concert when the shooting happened. Unfortunately, she is one of the victims. She is critically injured and the information I have is limited due to the on going investigation.

As my heart goes out to my friend and everyone else who was in attendance of the concert I can’t help but think about the need for better gun control here in the United States. Yes, I realize that we have the second amendment right to bare arms however all this gun violence has to stop. I also realize that no matter what the laws state that people will find a way to get guns.

In the case of the Vegas shooting it’s too soon to know if the shooter legally attained the guns he had on his person or place of residence. Whether or not the shooter attained the guns legally we need to focus on better laws. Laws that will be tough to make due to the politics involved with guns and our second amendment rights.

As we may have the right to bare arms, I cant help but to think about my friend and her rights. What about her right to live? What about her right to not be shot at when attending a concert to celebrate her recovery? What about her rights to be safe? Why can’t people think about the rights of the victims and survivors?

As I end this post, all I ask is that if you leave a comment that you be respectful of what you say. I have my blog set up to where I approve or not approve people’s comments and will not hesitate to not approve someone’s comments. Please keep my friend, her family and everyone else who attended the concert as well their families in your thoughts. I hope everyone has a good day. Don’t forget to tell the people you care about that you love them and how much they mean to you because you never know if its going to be the last time you will be able to tell them so. Have a good day and week. Peace Out!!!

An Update From My Last Post

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It has been about a week since I last posted. Sadly, my last post was about me getting traumatized again. I apologize for not updating you sooner. I’m just attempting to get my baring’s back after what happened and its not an easy process to do so.

Updating you is one way I am attempting to get my baring’s back. As you may realize it hasn’t been the easiest of weeks after dealing with an assault. Not just any type of an assault but a sexual assault. An assault that I don’t remember much of due to the fact that I was knocked out by a rock or brick or something similar.

At this point in time I don’t know if its a good thing or a bad thing but I do know that detective is looking into it as that a stranger reported seeing the first part of the assault. The part of me getting knocked out was reported to the police. The fortunate part was someone not only called the police but took pictures as well. Unfortunately, by the time the police showed up, I had left the park unwillingly with the person who assaulted me. I don’t remember this  and wish the detective didn’t tell me. I am however grateful that someone did call the police and took pictures. Anyway, the detective and I set up a time for me to “be interviewed” to share what I remember (or the lack there of) and put me in touch with the victim’s advocate.

The victim advocate contacted me shortly after the phone conversation with the detective ended. She told me what to expect next in the process of reporting. She will be in attendance when I talk with the detective in person. The victim advocate will me walking along side of me the entire way. The victim advocate also encouraged me to do “good self-care.”

Doing good self-care for me includes me going to my follow up appointment with my doctor. My doctor looked me over and she took my stitches out. The stitches that were located below the belt. She also helped me fill out some paper work that could help me pay for any future appointments regarding the assault. Knowing that I can have more help paying for any therapy or doctors appointments has given me some hope. My doctor has encouraged me to continue getting the support of my mental health treatment team as well as my friends and partner, Junior.

My friends as well as Junior  have always been in my corner and they are continuing to do so. In fact my friends have been checking up on me on the regular basis. Junior continues to be the rock I need as well give me the love and support that is much needed at the moment. Junior and my friends are such a blessing to me in my life and am beyond grateful to have them in my life especially right now.

As I finish up this post I want to thank you for reading and being a support in your own way. I hope to post again soon however I do ask for your patience if I don’t blog for a while due to recent events. I plan on blogging in the next few days but the way things are at moment I don’t want to give in false hopes. Again, thank you for reading. I hope you have a good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace Out!!!

Finding A Peaceful Way To Have Daily Structure

Posted on by Gertie

Hello, World!!! It’s just after eleven o’clock at night in my part of the world. Even though I haven’t accomplished much the last few days in the eyes of what society calls accomplishments, I feel like I have made some significant accomplishments.

Accomplishments that are a major deal for me. Lets start with something that is difficult for me to do and that is taking time out of my day to do a mindfulness meditation. A fellow peer specialist introduced me to an app called Calm. So I decided to get the app however I didn’t start using it until about ten days ago. I’ve been using the guided mindfulness meditation of the Calm app. In fact I’ve done it for, four days straight now. I’ve noticed over that last ten days especially the last four days straight that I’ve had a sense of calmness and peace I haven’t felt in a long while. I am making a conscience effort to do a guided mindfulness meditation each morning to start off my day in a good way.

Another way that I am starting off after my morning mindfulness meditation is having a nice cup of hot tea with honey and half & half in it while reading the local news paper. Yes, the news can be quite depressing at times however, I find that reading the news paper helps me with being less traumatized by the news. I can always put the paper down when it gets overwhelming and pick it up at a later time during the day. I do end up reading the entire paper without needing to put it down and I have both the mindful meditation I do before hand as well as what I do next.

What I do next is take a two mile walk while listening to my favorite music or my favorite podcast. Right now the podcast I’m listening to is Philosophize This. Its about philosophy as well as philosophers. I am finding listening to Philosophize This extremely educational for me.

Another thing I am finding educational for me is teaching myself how to play the musical interment the recorder. It is quite similar to playing the flute and since I know how to play the flute, I’ve decided to teach myself how to play the recorder. Part of the reason I’m teaching myself to play the recorder is its not only similar to playing the flute but my flute needs some major repairs to it and will take some time to get it repaired. Learning a new musical instrument also helps bring a peace and calmness that many other things are unable to do. Playing an instrument is also a type of mindfulness and a form of meditation for me.

I hope that when I see my therapist tomorrow that I can tell her what I am doing to help myself with all the mindfulness and meditation I am doing for myself. In fact I consider all what I discussed with you a form a self care for myself. Most of which is a new form of self care for me.  I just help that I can continue this good self care with the help of both the professionals in my life as well as the people in my natural support system (aka my friends).

As I end this blog post for the night, I hope this is a start that things are starting to look up for me in regards to my recovery. It’s going to take a great deal of effort on my part but am extremely hopeful that I will stick with it.

As always thank you for reading. I hope that with what I discussed in this post helps others realize that recovery is possible and that those who don’t struggle with a mental health condition or challenge that we  who do struggle want, desire and work hard to be well. Thank you for reading. Peace Out, World!!!

A Relaxing Hump Day (Wednesday)

Posted on by Gertie

Hello World!!! This morning I woke up with Junior kissing me on the cheek after coming home from work. I couldn’t think of a better way to wake than having my partner wake me up than the way Junior did this morning.

We decided to have a low key day which started off with breakfast. I fixed Junior an omelet with a side of fresh fruit and chocolate milk. Like I suspected Junior was famished due working his regular 24 hour shift that was more challenging than usual.

A shift we ended up discussing. Junior needed to discuss what his shift about for a multitude of reasons. One of which was that he dealt with a child abuse case that included six children. Junior is a firefighter and if you ask any firefighter out there anything that includes a child is one of the most difficult calls they go on especially if it includes child abuse. As we discussed the child abuse call, Junior couldn’t help but tell me that once his crew was done with the call he thought about the “shit” I went through which helped him have that much more compassion and empathy for the children he helped. Junior also went on two separate calls that involved two separate women who were the victims of “brutal sexual assaults.” He and all firefighters have a difficult time dealing with calls that involve both children and/or victims of an assault of any kind especially sexual assault.

As Junior and I discussed the difficult calls he was noon, the topic of sex came up. Junior brought up the fact that he finds it quite difficult to have sex and be intimate after shifts that include child abuse and/or sexual assault. As we discussed the difficulties he had with sex and intimacy after a shift like yesterdays, Junior stated he always seems have better understanding of how I must feel regarding my PTSD symptoms even though he will “never fully understand.” As we finished our discussion Junior realized how exhausted he was from his shift and went to bed to get a few hours of sleep.

As Junior slept, I decided to start reading a book I bought at Emerald City Comic-Con (ECCC) back in March of this year (2017). The book I started reading is Green Rider by Kristen Britain. I, in fact was able to get this book signed by the author after attending a panel she was on at ECCC. A panel I almost didn’t attend but happy I did. I’m in fact looking forward to attending ECCC in 2018 and hope that Kristen Britain is a guest as I will most likely will attend a panel if she speaks on one. The reason being is that when she signed my copy of Green Rider she took fifteen minutes of her time to talk with me even though she did not have to do so.

Looks like I got on the to topic of Emerald City Comic-Con when I was wanting to discuss the book I am reading. So, on that note let get back on back to the topic of Green Rider. So far I am really enjoying the book. I’m only on page 48 and starting the sixth chapter yet I’m finding myself having difficulties putting it down and wanting to get back to reading it. When I find myself having difficulties putting a book down and wanting to pick it back up as soon as possible then it must be a good book.

In fact after Junior woke up from his nap I told him about Green Rider and now he is wanting to read it. After telling Junior about the book we ate a lite lunch and then went rollerblading around a local lake at t local park. As we rollerbladed we discussed a great deal of stuff. Most of it was regarding plans for what we want to do the rest of the day as well as rest of the week before he goes back to work on Sunday for his regular shift as well as an overtime shift on Monday.

After rollerblading at a local park we decided to rent a couple of movies at a local mom and pop video store. Since we were already out and about we decided to pick up my meds from the pharmacy. When we arrived home we ended up watching one of the movies we picked up from the video store. We then fixed and ate dinner. After dinner we decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood. Now we are home watching the nine o’clock news.

As I near the end this post after telling you about my day, it turned out to be a relaxing hump day (Wednesday). Having a relaxing day is extremely helpful for my recovery as well as decreasing the symptoms of my mental health diagnoses. In fact everything I brought up in this post is quite helpful for me and my recovery.  As many of you know my recovery means the world to me and wouldn’t give up the path of recovery for all the money any in the world.

Something else that means the world to me is my time with Junior and with that being said, I want to spend time with him. That means this is the end of this particular blog post. I hope everyone has a good evening as well as good nights sleep. Peace out!!!

Ted, Through Thick & Thin

Posted on by Gertie

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Good Morning, World!!! I think it’s time that I introduce the world to my best friend; Ted. Ted is pictured above and YES, he is stuffed Teddy Bear. Ted is a 38 year old stuffed animal that I’ve had since the day I was born.

This means he has been with me in both the good and the bad times. He has seen me through the trauma’s I’ve experienced as well as witnessed the triumphs in my life. For me Ted has been there when no human has. So, I guess you can say Ted has been with me through thick and thin.

I bring up Ted because he is the one thing I do to self soothe. As I mentioned in a previous post (https://gertiesjourney.com/2017/09/05/poor-air-quality-therapy-challenging-day/) my therapist and I talked about self soothing and how I feel like I don’t deserve to self soothe. During the discussion about self soothing, I brought up Ted and how he is the one thing I self soothe with. According to my therapist, as I talked about Ted, my body language changed to “being relaxed and comfortable.” She also brought up the fact that it was the first time she had seen me smile when discussing a part of my childhood. I can’t deny the fact that when discussing Ted, I’m relaxed as well it is most likely the first time she had seen me smile while talking about my childhood since she has been my therapist for only five months.

I, of course avoid talking about me like the plague. In fact, I rather have the plague than discuss my childhood. My therapist picked up on this quite quickly am grateful for it. She just like Diana, doesn’t push to talk about things I’m not ready to discuss. She might ask me questions but she respects how much or how little I tell her, just like Diana did.

I miss Diana and hope that she is getting better however I am happy with my new therapist. In fact I think my new therapist is realizing how beneficial stuffed animals are for me regarding therapy just like did. The reason I think this is because she saw how “relaxed and comfortable” I was when I talked about Ted. I’m hoping that when I have my next session with my therapist that she will be okay with me bringing a stuffed animal to therapy as it helps me discuss painful memories of my childhood.

As, I finish up this blog post, I realize that I’m holding Ted as write. If I think back to the start of my blog, I’ve held Ted during most of my blog post. So, yes, Ted has been a part of most aspects of my life including blogging. I hope that everyone has a great day and Peace Out all.

Remembering 9/11, 16 Years Later

Posted on by Gertie

Sixteen years ago today, the United States experienced a sad reminder of how cruel this world is. As cruel as this world is the people of this country, quickly realized how we can come together. A togetherness many Americans have seemed to have forgotten especially in the current political climate.

A political climate that is dividing this wonderful country. As politics divide this country one can only hope that we are one nation. A nation that can come together especially in times of need.

A time of need that people a remembering today. As we remember what happened 16 years ago, I hope we can come together as a nation.

As I end this blog post, I ask that you take a moment of silence in remembrance of all the people who lost their lives in the 9/11 attacks. It just didn’t effect our nation, it effected the world. I hope everyone has a good day. Peace Out!!!

Not Exactly The Best Fans In All Of Baseball

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon, World!!! Right now, I’m watching the Seattle Mariners versus Los Angeles baseball game on television with Junior. Watching the game on television is a much better experience than I had last night when I watched the Angels play against the Mariners on the Mariners home turf at Safeco Field.

Last night I attended the Mariner versus Angel game at Safeco field. I went by myself as Junior had a prior engagement. Attending a baseball game by myself is nothing new for me. Its something I’ve done for years. I make an effort to attend a Mariners game when the Angels are in town as I am from Anaheim and a big Angel fan.

With that being said, I was sitting in my seat when the lady sitting next to me got irate with me. She asked me if I could move my soda to the other cup holder so she could put her drink in the one I was using as the other one she had access to was being used by the person she came with. I informed the woman “no as the other cup holder was being used by the person sitting on the other side of me.” The woman got upset with my answer and got the seating host who came to where I was and asked for my side of the story. The seating host asked if I would be willing to hold my soda and I declined. The seating host informed the Mariners fan that since the other cup holder was being used and I already moved my soda for the other fan she couldn’t do anything more. The fan got upset and poured her beer on me and stated “You a fucking retard. Seattle doesn’t want you here.” At this point in time the seating host then called for the police who arrived shortly there after being called. The police decided to not arrest the fan and warned her if she caused any more issues she would be ejected and trespassed for a year. I was then switched to a different seat as it was “easier to move one person versus three people.” They moved me two row ahead of where I was sitting and was still being harassed by this individual. The other fan that I was sitting next to before I was moved stuck up for me and ended up getting hit. Only then was this unruly fan got ejected. I feel like the person sticking up for me wouldn’t have gotten hit if the police and Safeco Field staff would have ejected the fan when she poured the beer on me.

I guess, I’m feeling responsible for all this because if I would have just moved my soda and held on to it, none of this would have happened. Some of the fans told me it was not my fault. I realize its not my fault but it feels like it. I guess, I’m angry over all this because the Mariners organization and Safeco Field pride themselves as having “the best fans in all of baseball.” I disagree with that because of the multiple experiences I’ve personally have had and/or witnessed while at Safeco Field. I know I shouldn’t lump all fans with a handful of bad apples but when I’ve either been the victim or a witness to poor fan behavior it difficult to not lump all fans together.

I have experienced the best in Mariners fans as well. For instance the fan who got hit last night by the other fan was sticking up me. I’ve had other fans, both last night and at other games that ended up buying me a hot dog or something to make up for “the bad behavior” of other fans. I’m happy that other fans are stepping up to the plate.

I’m not exactly happy how Safeco Field staff or the Mariners origination handled last nights ordeal. It would have been nice for them to have ejected the unruly fan. I was offered to five tickets for games next season since the season is almost over with for this year. I’m not sure if I’m going to take them up on as I don’t want to have another experience I had last night. I would rather have seen the fan ejected after having the beer thrown on me and not after having the other fan being hit. If they would have ejected the fan after the incident with me the other fan would have not gotten hit.

I am trying to not be angry over the situation and I know by the time next season comes around I will be “over it” and wanting to go to a game. Not sure if I will attend a game next season after what happened but I will think about it. I just hope what happened last night doesn’t happen to other fans of opposing teams.

As I end this blog post, I want to thank for reading and allowing me to vent. I hope that one day fans of opposing teams can be civil with each other while having fun. I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday afternoon. Go Angels and Peace Out!!!