Tag Archives: Hope

Why I Dread October

Posted on by Gertie

I could have not have said it any better. I as a woman take breast cancer seriously however, I as a person who struggles with a mental illness takes mental illness and advocacy just as seriously if not more seriously.

embracinglife42910's avatarEmbracing life: 4/29/10

Disclaimer: This is not a bashing on those whom have experienced breast cancer or lost a loved one to breast cancer. My prayers and thoughts go out to those impacted. Breast cancer is real and touches a number of lives. However, if you will read this post, you will see it does not touch near as many lives as mental illness yet gets so much more attention.

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Well, it’s started…the onslaught of pink. Pink ribbon work gloves for men. A number of pink ribbon items for sale at my workplace. Pink ribbon items in EVERY mainline store you enter. Profile pictures gone pink left and right. Pink is on the football fields of all levels. The only way to NOT see pink ribbons all month (and all year) is to crawl under the blankets and never come out. All of this is done in the name of Breast Cancer Awareness…

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Figuring Out How To Succeed At Blogging

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Friday!!!! Apparently, I’m not reaching as many people as I hoped I would be. I only have 15 followers and don’t get many views. I am just getting frustrated with myself because I am not blogging as regularly as I was wanting to as well as not doing much educating when it comes to mental illness. I was hoping that I would educate people on particular mental health diagnoses but it appears that something is getting in my way in doing that. That something is me. I’m the one that is hindering the progression of this blog. On the positive side, I know that through my blog that I am showing others that recovery is possible (or at least I think I am).

My thinking was (and still is) when I started this blog was to show others that recovery is possible and that their is hope. I know that my blog is succeeding to a point when it comes to showing others that recovery is possible but it’s not succeeding in other ways. Its not succeeding in the number of followers or views I have or get and I think the reason being is the reason I stated earlier in this blog and that is the education part of it. I am hoping that once things start settling down with the new job as well as the new volunteer job that I will be able to start the education part of this blog. It is my hope that I will educate on the diagnosis’s that I have as well the ones I no longer meet the criteria for. I then hope to do some education on the diagnoses that family members and close friends struggle with and then go on from there.

Now that you heard enough about how my blog is not succeeding let get on to other subjects. I will start with my boyfriend. When he got off from work this morning I had made him breakfast. I made him pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs. According to my boyfriend I burned the bacon. He pretty much likes eating bacon raw or at least almost raw. He likes all the fat on it. I do have to say that the fat on the bacon is what makes bacon taste good. After eating breakfast and doing dishes we had some intimate moments. Intimacy is something I personally struggle with because of some severe trauma I experienced as a child and even some trauma I experienced as an adult. With that being said my boyfriend makes me feel safe especially during intimate moments. He is gentle with me and extremely loving.

Speaking of loving, I am loving my new job. Yes, I know a loving partner is completely different than loving your job. I not only love my job, I enjoy it as well. My job gives me great joy even though its not the position I desire. In regards to it not being the position I desire its a foot in the door as well as moving up opportunities.

Since we are on the topic of opportunities, my volunteer job at the Warm Line gives me training opportunities as well as possible career advancement at my current employer and possibly at the Crisis Line where the Warm Line is run out of. Yes, I know what I just said sounds a little selfish but if what I do employment wise as well as volunteering gives me a purpose in life then so be it. I’m improving with being a call taker on the Warm Line and am no longer a deer in head lights. I am finally getting in the grove of things as a call taker.

I so want to share more with you right now but I realize I am hungry and need to figure out what I want to cook for dinner. I’m hoping that my boyfriend will give me some idea’s. Actually, I am hoping that he will do the cooking tonight.  Well, have a good Friday evening everyone. I hope everyone enjoys there weekend and has some fun. Peace out.

Had A Great Weekend

Posted on by Gertie

     I had a great weekend. Yes, I know it’s Tuesday but I am now getting around to writing more about my weekend. I was too exhausted to blog yesterday when I got home.

     I really enjoyed my weekend. As I told you in a previous blog my boyfriend and I went to the city where my brother lives to celebrate his birthday. The first night we stayed at his place and the second and third nights we stayed at a hotel. Saturday my boyfriend and I spent most of the day with my brother. We of course had the barbeque at my brothers place. My mom and two of my uncles were there as well as some of brothers friends were at the barbeque. Surprisingly, my mother didn’t cause any drama. After the barbeque was over my boyfriend and I checked into the hotel and then met up with my brother at a local fair/carnival. The three of us of course had a blast.

    After my boyfriend and I spent most of Saturday with my brother we decided to spend the rest of the day and pretty much most of Sunday being intimate with each other. For people who have had intensive sexual trauma like I have endured have trouble with sexual intimacy. My boyfriend is always gentle with me and we stop when I need to. It takes a great deal of trust for me or any trauma survivor to be intimate with anyone. My boyfriend has proven time and again that I can trust him. That is a huge deal for me personally and he knows that. Like I have said he is always been gentle with me and I know he wont hurt me. Their is no proof that he will hurt me cause he hasn’t hurt me in the past. I have to believe what the past says about my boyfriend. It has taken a lot of therapy for me to trust a person to be intimate with and I am beyond grateful for that therapy.

    After spending most of Sunday being intimate with my boyfriend my brother came over to the hotel we stayed at to watch the fireworks to mark the end of the carnival/fair. I was impressed with fireworks. It takes a lot for me to be impressed with fireworks because of growing up near Disneyland and watching their fireworks. After the fireworks were done my brother and I said our goodbyes and he went home.

    My boyfriend and I got home yesterday. We were both extremely tired and that is why I didn’t blog yesterday. I need to cut this blog short because I need to get ready for my session with my therapist. I had to reschedule my session with my therapist because I was out of town. Anyway I hope to blog again later today. Peace out.

It’s Been An Interesting But Good Wednesday

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s been an interesting but good Wednesday. Today didn’t start out all the pleasant. I woke up with a nightmare. Waking up to nightmares sucks big time.

     Shortly after I woke up from a nightmare this morning I got a call from a childhood friend. My friend ended up calling me at 4:30 in the morning pacific time. She forgot that she is three hours ahead of me. That means it was 7:30 her time. Anyway it was good to talk to her. Its always good to reminisce. She updated me with her life as I updated her with my life.

     As I told you all yesterday, I applied for a position as Consumer Aide. Well, I got a call this morning asking if I could come in for an interview tomorrow. The thing is I got the call for the interview 23 hours after I sent the email. It’s extremely rare to get call back for an interview so soon much less get an interview 48 hours after sending in a résumé’ and cover letter. I am a little nervous about the job interview but I am confident that it will go well even if I don’t get the job. I know that a Consumer Aide isn’t exactly a Peer Specialist position but its a start in the right direction. Maybe it will help me eventually get a Peer Specialist job in the future. I just  hope that I am not getting my hopes set too high. I am just frustrated that I’m in a job that I don’t like and am eager to move on to another job. I really hope I get the job because I’ve been employed at the same employer for nine years now and it getting a little old and boring at times. The cool thing is that I already know what I am going to wear to my interview because I have an outfit that I wear to most of my interviews.

     Enough about my job interview. I volunteered today. I told the staff at the homeless shelter that I have an interview tomorrow and they wished me luck. If I get the job I will have to quit my volunteer job because the agency that runs the shelter  runs the transitional/supportive housing site I applied to. That’s okay because I believe in what the agency does. The staff are happy for me and the hope I get the job even though it means I will not be able to volunteer at the shelter. If I get the job I will miss the clients in the shelter but I know that I will get to know and enjoy the clients at the transitional housing site I might be employed at. Part of the reason why I got the interview is because I volunteer at the agency and have been employed at my current employer for nine years. I really enjoy working with the homeless population. I was able to talk with one of my favorite clients for about a half an hour today. I know we aren’t suppose to have favorites but its kind of difficult not to at times. I really enjoy volunteering at the homeless shelter.

     Speaking of volunteering, I start training for another volunteer job in about two weeks. Its for a local peer run Warm Line. I am looking forward to it. The training is two days week for four hours each day for about six weeks. They want to make sure we get the proper training if we are going to be taking calls for a peer run Warm Line. Talking with people who struggle with mental illness is not an easy thing especially if there is the potential that the caller might be suicidal.

    Anyway I need to get going. My boyfriend is barbequing for a goodbye party for one of my elderly neighbors who is moving in with one of her children in a different state. My boyfriend said he would be willing to come over and barbeque for the going away party. I need to help out before others start showing up to say goodbye the elderly neighbor.

    I hope to blog again tomorrow and tell you how my job interview went. I really hope I get the job. Like I said I hope to blog again tomorrow. Peace out and enjoy the rest of you Wednesday evening.

Stuffing Equals Explosion

Posted on by Gertie

     Hello! Its another Monday and it was a tough one. If you regularly read my blog or follow it you are aware that I work Monday mornings and see my therapist in the afternoons. Work went as well as can be expected when you are dealing with the public.

     The rough part of the day came when I saw my therapist Diana. When Diana came out to get me she asked me to wait so she could refill her coffee then we had to wait for the room she signed up for because it was still being used. I got frustrated because we started late again. I was already frustrated that last Wednesday my appointment with my shrink started ten minutes late and lasted only ten minutes when its suppose to last 20 minutes. I told Diana that I didn’t have the patients to wait for our session to start late again. See the last two month our sessions had been starting late and some of them being cut short by five to ten minutes and I finally had it. I tend to stuff things to where I explode. If I explode I end up doing one of two things. I either cut myself (which I DID NOT DO) or get angry and yell at the person if I feel safe with that particular person. That’s what I did. Once we finally got into the room I went off on her. When I said I went off, I started to cry and then I ended up yelling. Diana calmly told me to stop yelling and I eventually did after about 7 or 8 minutes. To tell you the truth I am extremely ashamed that I yelled at Diana. Diana realized that I had been stuffing this anger regarding starting our sessions late and felt bad that she didn’t realize how bad it bothered me when I briefly brought it up a few weeks ago. Diana acknowledged that it took a great deal of strength on my part to not cut in-between sessions and to be able to feel safe enough with her that I could yell at her. We discussed how we could fix starting on time and how some things are beyond ones control. We also discussed how I felt that I and my time were not being respected. Most importantly we discussed how my yelling could be considered Borderline behavior. We discussed how I’m fighting with myself internally on not giving up on myself and making sure the Borderline doesn’t appear again. More or less it old Gertie verses Gertie in recovery. I don’t want to be old Gertie or “crazy” Gertie. I have worked so hard to not meet the criteria for Borderline that its a fight against myself to continue to not meet the criteria. Diana assured me that this one “explosion” is not  going to qualify  me to meet the criteria for Borderline. It will take a lot more to meet the criteria for Borderline again. Honestly, I am grateful that we were able to talk it out so I don’t hold any resentment toward her. We have bee working together for five and half years and she has helped a great deal in my recovery process. With all that being said our session ended a lot better than it started.

    On the bus ride home I read a Wonder Woman graphic novel. For some reason when I have a rough moment with my anger I tend to read Wonder Woman. Maybe its because reading Wonder Woman gets me out of my own head. Maybe it chills me out.

    When I got home I contacted a friend to see if she would have time tomorrow or Wednesday to help me write a cover letter for a Consumer Aide position. It’s not exactly what I am looking for but it is a step in the right direction to become a Peer Support Specialist. She said she would be more than willing to help me.

   After talking to my friend regarding helping me with a cover letter I came to my boyfriends place where he made me dinner. He barbequed some hamburgers and put lots of cheddar cheese on them.  We also had strawberry short cake for dessert. Now we are watching the 10 o’clock news as I blog and he emails a friend of his.

    I should get going. I just wanted to let you all know that I still struggle a bit from time to time. I just want to show those really struggling with a mental illness that recovery is possible and there is hope. Well have a good rest of your Monday. I hope to blog again tomorrow. Peace out and good night.

Today Has Been A Good Summer Solstice

Posted on by Gertie

     Well the first day of summer is coming to an end and it turned out to be a good day. I hung out with two very good friends today. My friends and I went to Red Robin on the Waterfront in the city we reside in. I had my favorite hamburger which is The Whisky Barbeque Burger. My friends and I of course shared a desert of Mud Pie. Now that was yummy. The view of the water was beautiful as well as the mountains in the distance. After my friends and I were finished with our meal we decided to walk around the waterfront and enjoy the scenery. About an hour into walking around we realized we needed to get back to our end of the city because the three of us were going to Mass.

    We went to Mass. Yes, going to Mass was quite triggering for me because of my past with the Christian faith. Even though I haven’t had “issues” with the Catholic denomination, going to Mass was trigging. I did make it through the hour long Mass and am proud of myself for doing so. Hell, my two friends were and are proud of me. I don’t know if I would attend Mass again but I am glad I went. The best part was that no one judged me for my scarred up arms. 

    Tomorrow, my boyfriend and I are hosting World Cup party at his place, when the United States plays Portugal. I am looking forward to spending time with my boyfriend as well as our friends. In fact the two friends I hung out with today are going to go to the party as well. Being around supportive people is good for everyone especially for those who struggle with mental illness. That’s why I’m looking forward tomorrow because I will be around people who care about me and support me not matter what. Plus, we (me and all in attendance at the party) will be rooting on the U.S.A in the World Cup when they play Portugal. GO U.S.A.!!!! 

    Well I best be going. I need to finish making snacks for the World Cup party tomorrow. I think making the snacks is going to be an all night thing. Have a good rest of Saturday if it’s still Saturday for you. It’s still Saturday for me. Since it’s officially summer I can now say; Have a good summer. Enjoy your summer. Peace out and hope to blog again tomorrow.

Happy Summer Solstice!!!

Posted on by Gertie

     Happy Summer Solstice!!! We all know what the summer solstice means. It means its the first day of summer and the longest day of the year. Today is also the first full day of my vacation. I will of course take advantage of the first day of summer as well as my first day of vacation.

     As some of you know that the lack of structure for people who struggle with a mental illness is not a good thing. The lack of structure can lead to symptoms acting up. That’s why I have to be vigilant when I am on vacation and don’t have anything really major planned. That’s why today I have to be vigilant because my boyfriend is working today and we usually plan to do things together.

     Since my boyfriend is working today and wont get off till tomorrow morning I plan on hanging out with some good friends. I plan on meeting up with two of my best friends at the Waterfront to eat at Red Robin. I love Red Robin. They have the best hamburgers in the world. My favorite Red Robin hamburger is the Whiskey River Barbeque Burger. Besides  planning on going to Red Robin with two of my best friends, one of them asked me and my other friend if we could go to (Catholic) Mass with her this evening. I might go because I’ve never been to a Catholic Mass. Plus my mom grew up Catholic so I guess it’s a part of my heritage and figure to see what its all about. (Side Note: When my parents got married they decided to not raise me in any particular religion because they both grew up in what they consider strict faiths. My dad grew up Mormon. My parents wanted me and still want me to choose my own religion even after they got divorced.) So if I go to mass, I plan on going to a local park to read after attending Mass. I am enjoying A Tale of Two Cities, immensely.

     Now that I have told you what I plan doing today, I will tell you all something. I am a little frustrated with myself right now. I don’t think I’m reaching as many people with this blog as I had hoped I would. Yes, I will continue to blog but I was kind of hoping that I would have more followers on my blog by now. I know it takes time and that I have only been doing this for about 3 weeks now. I just want to show people out there who are “normal” that those of us who struggle with mental illness can live everyday lives just like them in hopes that it will lessen the stigma of mental illness. I also hope that this blog shows those who do struggle mental illness that their is hope and that recovery is possible. All I want to do is lessen the stigma of mental illness and show those who are struggling that hope and recovery are out there. Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself when it comes to this blogging thing especially since I am still new to it and trying to get into the groove of it and what people might be interested in reading.

     Now that I have bored you with the things in the blog entry I’m going to end it for now. Have a good Saturday every. Happy Summer Solstice everyone. I hope that you all enjoy the first day of summer and that the rest of your summer is fun.

Introduction To Gertie’s Journey

Posted on by Gertie

Hey, I’m Gertie!!!! I’m new to this blogging thing and have absolutely no clue on what the hell I’m doing, especially since I accidently permanently deleted my very first blog which was under the same title. I just hope I can come as close as possible to what I said in my original first blog. With all that being said lets start by with me telling you the two main reasons why I am starting this blog. The first reason why I’m starting this blog is to educate “normal” (whatever the hell “normal” means) people on what it’s like to struggle with a mental illness on the daily basis. Not only that, but to show “normal” people that people who deal or struggle with a mental illness can be and is a productive member of society. Every person who struggles or deals with a mental illness has there own way of being a productive member of society just like “normal” people do. Yes, that means I personally struggle with a mental illness. It is my hope that if “normal” people read this that I will help stop the judgments that they may have about the mentally ill. If I help stop judgments regarding the mentally ill then maybe just may the stigma that goes along with mental illness will start to be eliminated. I want to eliminate that stigma. The second reason why I am starting this blog is to show those who do struggle with a mental illness that recovery is possible and that their is hope. Hope is key to the recovery process. I don’t want those who struggle with mental illness to think that they are alone in their struggles. Unfortunately, having a diagnosis of a mental illness is a life long battle however there are a handful of diagnosis that you can not longer meet the criteria for. If I was told correctly it’s most (not all) of the personality disorders. I know this because I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I tell you this because there is hope and recovery is possible. Now that I have gotten off topic, which I do quite often, let get back on the topic of the introduction to this blog.

As I told you earlier, I am Gertie. No, Gertie is not my real name. Gertie is a nickname that I received in the third grade. How did you get your nickname, you ask. When I was in Brownies (Girl Scouts) their were three of us with the same name. (We were also in the same grade at the same school.) My troop leaders decided they would give me a nickname and was happy to get one. In fact my troop leaders got the idea of my nickname from my last name. The nickname they wanted to give me was Gertrude(which is not my last name) but I told them I wasn’t having it. Well, I told them, “Gertrude sounds like a name of an old fogey.” My troop leaders as well as my troop laughed at that statement when one of my troop leaders asked “how bout Gertie?” I smiled, shrouded my shoulders and said “oaky dokie, artichokie.” That meant I was okay with the nickname Gertie. I chose Gertie’s Journey as a title to name my blog because I’m Gertie and it’s my journey. Plus, Gertie seems to have a better ringtone to the word journey than my given name would. I also chose Gertie’s Journey because I want to be as anonymous as possible because of the stigma that goes along with having a mental illness. Since I’ve gone by my given name during my adulthood (Side Note: Their is one exception to this and that’s when I was a young adult and will be explained at some point in time), I figured Gertie was a safe nickname to use. Plus I like the ring that goes with Gertie’s Journey. I said that already, didn’t I. See, I told you I get off topic and as you can read, I am long winded. Now back to the topic of the Introduction to Gertie’s Journey.

As a thirty-something I’ve realized that I may not be where I want to be career wise but I have figured out who I am and what I am meant to be in this life. See, we as humans, finally figure out in our early thirties, hopefully, who we are and our place in this world. We also figure out what we are passionate about. I know what I am passionate about. I am passionate about mental health advocacy and recovery. Yes, I am passionate about it because of my own struggle with mental illness as well as having family members who struggle with a mental illness. I think my passion for mental health is the reason why I want to go into the field of mental health as a Peer Support Specialist or Peer Counselor. (Side Note: I will definitely explain in a later blog what a Peer Counselor is). I know I am meant to be a Peer Counselor even though I don’t have a job (or career) as one yet even though I do have the certification.  Yes, I have applied to jobs to become one and even have had interviews but no job offers as of yet.  Even though I have not been offered a job as a peer I will NOT let it get me down. I am too far in my recovery to let it get me down. I am passionate about mental health because I want to help eliminate the stigma of mental illness. I hope someday in my lifetime that there will be no more stigma attached to mental illness but realize that is not likely. I figure if I can educate just one “normal” person about mental illness then I’ve done my job and maybe just maybe a domino affect will happen.  Educating just one person will help with the elimination of stigma that goes with mental illness. I’m just as passionate about mental health recovery. Recovery is a core aspect of being a Peer Counselor. If it weren’t for my recovery with dealing with my mental illness this blog would never have been started. I’ve realized that I’ve become off topic once again as well as being long winded.

Since, I’ve been so long winded I’ve decided to end this blog entry. I don’t want you the reader to become bored or uninterested with my blogging. Plus, I’m sure in time with my future blogs that you will get to know me. I hope I have not bored you to death with my blog and hope that you continue to read. I hope to get you interested enough that you follow my blog. Until next time, have a good day or night or whatever the case maybe in whatever part of the world you may be in.