Monthly Archives: July 2014

Had A Great Weekend

Posted on by Gertie

     I had a great weekend. Yes, I know it’s Tuesday but I am now getting around to writing more about my weekend. I was too exhausted to blog yesterday when I got home.

     I really enjoyed my weekend. As I told you in a previous blog my boyfriend and I went to the city where my brother lives to celebrate his birthday. The first night we stayed at his place and the second and third nights we stayed at a hotel. Saturday my boyfriend and I spent most of the day with my brother. We of course had the barbeque at my brothers place. My mom and two of my uncles were there as well as some of brothers friends were at the barbeque. Surprisingly, my mother didn’t cause any drama. After the barbeque was over my boyfriend and I checked into the hotel and then met up with my brother at a local fair/carnival. The three of us of course had a blast.

    After my boyfriend and I spent most of Saturday with my brother we decided to spend the rest of the day and pretty much most of Sunday being intimate with each other. For people who have had intensive sexual trauma like I have endured have trouble with sexual intimacy. My boyfriend is always gentle with me and we stop when I need to. It takes a great deal of trust for me or any trauma survivor to be intimate with anyone. My boyfriend has proven time and again that I can trust him. That is a huge deal for me personally and he knows that. Like I have said he is always been gentle with me and I know he wont hurt me. Their is no proof that he will hurt me cause he hasn’t hurt me in the past. I have to believe what the past says about my boyfriend. It has taken a lot of therapy for me to trust a person to be intimate with and I am beyond grateful for that therapy.

    After spending most of Sunday being intimate with my boyfriend my brother came over to the hotel we stayed at to watch the fireworks to mark the end of the carnival/fair. I was impressed with fireworks. It takes a lot for me to be impressed with fireworks because of growing up near Disneyland and watching their fireworks. After the fireworks were done my brother and I said our goodbyes and he went home.

    My boyfriend and I got home yesterday. We were both extremely tired and that is why I didn’t blog yesterday. I need to cut this blog short because I need to get ready for my session with my therapist. I had to reschedule my session with my therapist because I was out of town. Anyway I hope to blog again later today. Peace out.

It’s Been A Great Weekend

Posted on by Gertie

     Well, its Sunday and I am on vacation. I have been since I got off work this past Friday. I came to the town where my brother lives to celebrate his birthday. Friday night my boyfriend and I stayed at my brother place and we had an awesome time. Last night and tonight we are staying in a hotel. In fact my brother is coming in about 15 minutes because we are going to be watching the fireworks from the balcony of our hotel room. Every year around the time of my brother birthday a fair comes to his town. At the end of the fair (Sunday nights) they light off fireworks. Thankfully my boyfriend and I were able to get a room facing the lake and where the fireworks are going to be set off as well as the fair. Yesterday, my boyfriend and I treated my brother to the fair after we had a barbeque at his place. We had a blast. Surprisingly my mom didn’t cause any drama at my brothers birthday barbeque.

     After spending time with my brother yesterday, my boyfriend and I went line dancing. I love that my boyfriend enjoys line dancing and country music. In fact my boyfriend and I have similar taste in music. I will tell you at a later date what type of music I enjoy. Anyway, my boyfriend and I spent all day together having adult fun in our hotel room. We even spent some time at the fair again and walked along the waterfront. It’s always nice to spend some alone time with your significant other to have intimate moments. Intimacy isn’t always an easy thing for someone who has sexual trauma in there life but am glad that I am able to enjoy it.

     Well, my brother is now here. He is one big goof ball. I love my brother to pieces. I am grateful that we are as close as we are because of our age difference of 11 years.

     I should get going and spend time with my brother and boyfriend. Plus we need to get ready to watch the fireworks. Anyway, I want to spend some time with my brother since my boyfriend and I are going back home tomorrow.

    Like I said I need to get going. In all honesty I feel bad for not blogging last night but my boyfriend and I were have some adult fun or intimate moments. I honestly hope to blog tomorrow to let you all know how the fireworks were tonight and to tell you what my boyfriend and I are planning for the rest of our vacation. Well enjoy the rest of your Sunday evening. Peace out all.

Looking Forward To Saturday

Posted on by Gertie

     Well it’s Thursday and that means its my Sunday. The good thing is when I get off work tomorrow I will be on vacation once again. This time I am actually doing something on my vacation. I am going to go visit my brother for his birthday. Tomorrow (Friday) night my boyfriend and I are going to be stay at my brothers place. Saturday and Sunday my boyfriend and I are going to be staying in a hotel. Anyway, Saturday we are going to be having a barbequing at my brothers place for his birthday. The unfortunate part about my brother party on Saturday is that my mother is going to be there. When the barbeque is over with my boyfriend and I are going to check into the hotel. After we are settled in at the hotel my boyfriend and I are going to meet up with my brother and go to the fair. We might even watch the parade. I’m looking forward to it. My boyfriend and I have plans on Sunday as well. I will tell you more in a blog on Saturday.

     If you read yesterdays blog you all know that I was scheduled to have an interview today. Unfortunately, the interview didn’t happen due to no fault of my own. I went and they have to reschedule because the lost the paper work I was suppose to fill out. They even lost the interview questions they were going to ask me. They have all that stuff on the computer however there computer system went down sometime last night and wont be fixed till sometime Monday or Tuesday. You would think they would have extra copies and know where those copies are just in case the computers go down. I was a little frustrated at first but saw the humor in it as well. Hell, I still find it a little humorous. They couldn’t reschedule with me cause everyone’s schedule is on the dam computers. Oh well life happens.

   Well, I need to get going. I need to pack for tomorrow so my boyfriend and I can leave after I get off work. I wont be blogging tomorrow because of work and staying at my brothers place. My brother doesn’t have Wi-Fi or internet access. I do hope to blog on Saturday to let you know how everything went with my brother. Hopefully my mother doesn’t start any drama at my brothers birthday party. Anyway, I need to get going. Have a good rest of your Thursday. Peace out till Saturday.

It’s Been An Interesting But Good Wednesday

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s been an interesting but good Wednesday. Today didn’t start out all the pleasant. I woke up with a nightmare. Waking up to nightmares sucks big time.

     Shortly after I woke up from a nightmare this morning I got a call from a childhood friend. My friend ended up calling me at 4:30 in the morning pacific time. She forgot that she is three hours ahead of me. That means it was 7:30 her time. Anyway it was good to talk to her. Its always good to reminisce. She updated me with her life as I updated her with my life.

     As I told you all yesterday, I applied for a position as Consumer Aide. Well, I got a call this morning asking if I could come in for an interview tomorrow. The thing is I got the call for the interview 23 hours after I sent the email. It’s extremely rare to get call back for an interview so soon much less get an interview 48 hours after sending in a résumé’ and cover letter. I am a little nervous about the job interview but I am confident that it will go well even if I don’t get the job. I know that a Consumer Aide isn’t exactly a Peer Specialist position but its a start in the right direction. Maybe it will help me eventually get a Peer Specialist job in the future. I just  hope that I am not getting my hopes set too high. I am just frustrated that I’m in a job that I don’t like and am eager to move on to another job. I really hope I get the job because I’ve been employed at the same employer for nine years now and it getting a little old and boring at times. The cool thing is that I already know what I am going to wear to my interview because I have an outfit that I wear to most of my interviews.

     Enough about my job interview. I volunteered today. I told the staff at the homeless shelter that I have an interview tomorrow and they wished me luck. If I get the job I will have to quit my volunteer job because the agency that runs the shelter  runs the transitional/supportive housing site I applied to. That’s okay because I believe in what the agency does. The staff are happy for me and the hope I get the job even though it means I will not be able to volunteer at the shelter. If I get the job I will miss the clients in the shelter but I know that I will get to know and enjoy the clients at the transitional housing site I might be employed at. Part of the reason why I got the interview is because I volunteer at the agency and have been employed at my current employer for nine years. I really enjoy working with the homeless population. I was able to talk with one of my favorite clients for about a half an hour today. I know we aren’t suppose to have favorites but its kind of difficult not to at times. I really enjoy volunteering at the homeless shelter.

     Speaking of volunteering, I start training for another volunteer job in about two weeks. Its for a local peer run Warm Line. I am looking forward to it. The training is two days week for four hours each day for about six weeks. They want to make sure we get the proper training if we are going to be taking calls for a peer run Warm Line. Talking with people who struggle with mental illness is not an easy thing especially if there is the potential that the caller might be suicidal.

    Anyway I need to get going. My boyfriend is barbequing for a goodbye party for one of my elderly neighbors who is moving in with one of her children in a different state. My boyfriend said he would be willing to come over and barbeque for the going away party. I need to help out before others start showing up to say goodbye the elderly neighbor.

    I hope to blog again tomorrow and tell you how my job interview went. I really hope I get the job. Like I said I hope to blog again tomorrow. Peace out and enjoy the rest of you Wednesday evening.

Not A Very Accomplished Day

Posted on by Gertie

     It another Tuesday and I didn’t accomplish much today. I pretty much stayed home most of the day. I think I’m just trying to recover from my therapy session yesterday. I did get in a 3 1/2 mile walk today.

     I guess I did accomplish more than just my walk. I finished a cover letter and emailed that cover letter and my résumé to a potential employer. The position I applied for is Consumer Aide. Its not exactly a Peer Specialist job but at least its in the field and a start. I am hoping I at least get an interview. This particular job has been posted since April 9th of this year. That means its been posted a little over three months. I’m hoping that I not only get an interview but the job. I’m trying to not get my hopes up too high especially when it comes to getting a job offer.

    It being Tuesday that means its the day my mom is scheduled to call me. Surprisingly, it was a decent conversation. It is an extremely rare thing when we have a good conversation and it being two sided. I am actually beyond thrilled I had a good conversation with my mother. I am not expecting that again for a while.

    I feel like my blog isn’t reaching as many people as I intended. I’ve been doing this blogging thing for a month and half now and only have 10 followers. I just want to have more followers. In fact this is my 51st blog entry. If any of you have any suggestions on how to reach more people that would be great.

    Thank you for the time you all take on reading my blog. I should get going. I am a little worn out from a difficult session with my therapist yesterday. I hope to blog again tomorrow. Peace out and enjoy the rest of your Tuesday.

Stuffing Equals Explosion

Posted on by Gertie

     Hello! Its another Monday and it was a tough one. If you regularly read my blog or follow it you are aware that I work Monday mornings and see my therapist in the afternoons. Work went as well as can be expected when you are dealing with the public.

     The rough part of the day came when I saw my therapist Diana. When Diana came out to get me she asked me to wait so she could refill her coffee then we had to wait for the room she signed up for because it was still being used. I got frustrated because we started late again. I was already frustrated that last Wednesday my appointment with my shrink started ten minutes late and lasted only ten minutes when its suppose to last 20 minutes. I told Diana that I didn’t have the patients to wait for our session to start late again. See the last two month our sessions had been starting late and some of them being cut short by five to ten minutes and I finally had it. I tend to stuff things to where I explode. If I explode I end up doing one of two things. I either cut myself (which I DID NOT DO) or get angry and yell at the person if I feel safe with that particular person. That’s what I did. Once we finally got into the room I went off on her. When I said I went off, I started to cry and then I ended up yelling. Diana calmly told me to stop yelling and I eventually did after about 7 or 8 minutes. To tell you the truth I am extremely ashamed that I yelled at Diana. Diana realized that I had been stuffing this anger regarding starting our sessions late and felt bad that she didn’t realize how bad it bothered me when I briefly brought it up a few weeks ago. Diana acknowledged that it took a great deal of strength on my part to not cut in-between sessions and to be able to feel safe enough with her that I could yell at her. We discussed how we could fix starting on time and how some things are beyond ones control. We also discussed how I felt that I and my time were not being respected. Most importantly we discussed how my yelling could be considered Borderline behavior. We discussed how I’m fighting with myself internally on not giving up on myself and making sure the Borderline doesn’t appear again. More or less it old Gertie verses Gertie in recovery. I don’t want to be old Gertie or “crazy” Gertie. I have worked so hard to not meet the criteria for Borderline that its a fight against myself to continue to not meet the criteria. Diana assured me that this one “explosion” is not  going to qualify  me to meet the criteria for Borderline. It will take a lot more to meet the criteria for Borderline again. Honestly, I am grateful that we were able to talk it out so I don’t hold any resentment toward her. We have bee working together for five and half years and she has helped a great deal in my recovery process. With all that being said our session ended a lot better than it started.

    On the bus ride home I read a Wonder Woman graphic novel. For some reason when I have a rough moment with my anger I tend to read Wonder Woman. Maybe its because reading Wonder Woman gets me out of my own head. Maybe it chills me out.

    When I got home I contacted a friend to see if she would have time tomorrow or Wednesday to help me write a cover letter for a Consumer Aide position. It’s not exactly what I am looking for but it is a step in the right direction to become a Peer Support Specialist. She said she would be more than willing to help me.

   After talking to my friend regarding helping me with a cover letter I came to my boyfriends place where he made me dinner. He barbequed some hamburgers and put lots of cheddar cheese on them.  We also had strawberry short cake for dessert. Now we are watching the 10 o’clock news as I blog and he emails a friend of his.

    I should get going. I just wanted to let you all know that I still struggle a bit from time to time. I just want to show those really struggling with a mental illness that recovery is possible and there is hope. Well have a good rest of your Monday. I hope to blog again tomorrow. Peace out and good night.

Looking Forward To Work This Afternoon

Posted on by Gertie

     Well, it is a beautiful Sunday morning and I have to work later on today. I’m not sure if I am wanting to go to work today because its so nice today. I will go to work because it gets me out of my own head. No matter had difficult or bad my shift may be I always have a sense of accomplishment at the end of my shift. The reason being is because I made it through another shift with out quitting because of the stress that comes with dealing with the public. Working at a grocery store is not always that easy but it something to do with my time. Even on my good days at work I feel a sense of accomplishment. Something I am looking forward is my lunch because I will be having left overs from dinner last night. Overall, I am looking forward going to work.

     I really enjoy being in mental health recovery. Being in recovery I am able to enjoy things a little more. I am able enjoy a good hard day at work no matter how difficult or easy it might be for the particular day. Being in recovery is more fun. I realize that people are more likely to want to be around me if I am choosing to be in recovery even on my difficult days.

     I best be going. I need to get ready for work. I hope you all enjoy your day. Have a good Sunday and peace out.

Hmmm….Just A Saturday Evening Rambling

Posted on by Gertie

     Its another beautiful day in the neighborhood. My boyfriend is barbequing steaks as I am watching the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and Texas Ranger game. Right now its in between eighth and ninth innings and the Angels are up 5 to  2. I of course am rooting for the Angels since I am originally from Anaheim. I miss California. Tonight’s game happens to be in Texas.  

     Well, I worked earlier today. I actually had a good day a work today. I worked with one of my favorite checkers today. The checker I worked with today is like a second father to me. He has taken me under his wing. The cool thing about this particular co-worker is that he is very non-judgmental of me and my mental health issues. He can usually tell when things are acting up without me even having to tell him. When things are acting up he makes sure that I get my breaks because I usually don’t take my breaks. I take my lunches but not my breaks. Its always nice to have people that have your back. My schedule for this next week is okay. I only work 15 hours but I work Sunday which means I get Sunday pay. That’s a good thing. After my shift on Friday I will be on vacation again.  

     I will be going to see my little brother on my vacation. It just so happens his birthday happens that every year his birthday falls the same week/weekend of the local fair in his town. I will treat him to the fair like I always do when I happen to be around on his birthday. I love him so much. My boyfriend will be going as well. My boyfriend and brother get along great. I’m looking forward to going the rides, playing the rigged games and most importantly the fair food. Oh how I love fair food.

     The Angel vs. Ranger game is now over. The Angels won 5 to 2. I am proud of my Angels. Its a four game series and the have won the last 3 games against the Rangers and have one more game against them tomorrow.

     Now back on to my brother. I am looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. Its hard to believe that he is going to be 24 years old. I am proud of him and everything that he is accomplishing in his life.

     As I have told you in earlier blog entries I am reading a psychology text book to better myself as well as to educate myself. I figure since I cant afford to go to college at the moment I might as well as buy and read text books from a used book store. If you know where and when to buy a text book you can get them pretty cheap. In fact you can usually get them under $20. I love educating myself. I love it when I shock the hell out of people when I know what I’m talking about especially when its on a subject that you have to go “to school for.” People assume when they look at me that I don’t know what I am talking about but they soon realize that when I know something I know something.

    Well, my boyfriend is almost done with the steaks and I should get going. I am love meat. I love food. I need to help get the rest of the food out and on the table. My boyfriend and I are going to eat on his patio because its another beautiful day out. I love hot weather like today.

     I best be going. Have a good rest of your Saturday evening everyone. I hope you have a good weekend. Peace out and have fun.

 

Just Another Thursday

Posted on by Gertie

     Well, its Thursday evening and its another beautiful day. Life is going fairly well despite my PTSD symptoms acting up still. As much as I don’t like dealing with my symptoms, I do have to say the nice warm and sunny helps a great deal with dealing with them. I love it when it gets warm outside.

     As many of you know who follow my blog or read it on the regular basis, Thursdays are my Sundays. I go back to work tomorrow. I don’t mind my job however I’m getting frustrated that I’m still in the same position and the same employer. Only time I get a raise is when minimum wage goes. I make 10 cents about minimum wage. You would think that if someone has been employed someplace for 9 years that they would get a pay raise especially since I train the other courtesy clerks (baggers). I bag groceries at a grocery store and feel like I should be doing something more with my life. I am 30something and feel like I’ve accomplished nothing with my life. In reality I have accomplished a lot. I’ve maintained employment with my current employer for 9 years. I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I also have the received certification as a peer counselor.

     Speaking of peer counseling, I’m still seeking a job as a peer. It seems that at this point in time that there are no positions at this time or the ones out there require at least a year of paid experience. How am I suppose to get paid experience when I’m not getting a job in the field. You would think volunteer experience would be enough. Oh well. I’m sure the right peer job is out there for me somewhere.

     Enough about me being frustrated with not being employed in job I desire. Something I’ve been doing to help with my PTSD symptoms is watching baseball on television. I love baseball. Unfortunately, the baseball team I was rooting for lost. That’s okay because it ultimately helps out my favorite baseball team (The Angels).

     Speaking of baseball and my favorite baseball team I watch the Disney movie, Angels In The Outfield. Its not only a cute movie but an adorable movie as well. I enjoy Disney movies. They tend to have a good moral to the story (most of the time).

     I also talked to my little brother today. He is doing great. He is so funny. I try to talk to him at least twice a week. He is the reason why I chose to start the recovery process as well as stay in recovery from mental illness. I want him to know anything is possible.

     I don’t have much to discuss at the moment. That means I will end this blog entry for now. I hope to blog again tomorrow. Have a good rest of your Thursday evening. Peace out.

    

It’s A Beautiful Sunny Wednesday!!!

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. So beautiful that my boyfriend and I went rollerblading around a lake. In fact the lake is a local park. We went around the lake twice and each time is 3.3 miles so that equals 6.6 miles. All I can say is that I got my exercise in today. We also had a picnic at this park. We had fried chicken, macaroni salad and lemonade. It was all very tasty. All I know is I am tired now. I’ve had a busy day.

     I started out the day by going to see my shrink. My shrink in not a psychiatrist, he is a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner. I discussed with him about the increased PTSD symptoms due to the 5 year anniversary of a trauma and how it triggered eating disorder urges and self harm urges. He of coursed asked if I acted on any of those urges and I said no because I didn’t act on those urges. He has a good since of humor and I like that. I’ve only been working with him for a little of a year when my last psychiatric nurse practitioner retired. I had worked with her for 7 years and grew to trust her. I specifically asked my therapist for a male prescriber because I usually only work with women when it comes to doctors and mental health stuff due to my trauma history. Diana my therapist was happy to oblige to my request and new who to suggest and thankfully he had room for another client. Anyway my shrink and I discussed if we needed to change meds or if a med increase needed to happen and thankfully he agreed with me that neither needed to happen. Like I said my shrink has a great sense of humor and it turns out that we have a similar sense of humor.

    After I saw my shrink I went to my volunteer job. I love my volunteer job. Like I’ve said in previous blog post, I volunteer at local homeless shelter that specializes in Mental Illness and Co-Occurring Disorders. The clients there are always so appreciative of everything they get. Well most of the clients are. I enjoy my volunteer job.

   When I get back from my volunteer job that’s when my boyfriend and I went and had our picnic in the park and rollerbladed around the lake in the park twice. We got back to his place in time to watch the news. The big topic is still the legalization of being able to sell pot in my state. It became legal yesterday. In fact it even made NBC’s Nightly news  again tonight. That makes two nights in a row. I just want them to not make a big deal about it. I just don’t care. I don’t smoke the crap but that’s me.

    Anyway my boyfriend is finding it difficult to pick out a movie to watch. I’m thinking I might just pick one out before his head explodes. I’m thinking a comedy is in order. I love comedies.

    I should get going because my boyfriend and I want to watch a movie. I hope you all enjoy the rest of your Wednesday. Enjoy the nice warm weather everyone. Peace out and don’t get sun burned.