Tag Archives: Anxiety

Why I Dread October

Posted on by Gertie

I could have not have said it any better. I as a woman take breast cancer seriously however, I as a person who struggles with a mental illness takes mental illness and advocacy just as seriously if not more seriously.

embracinglife42910's avatarEmbracing life: 4/29/10

Disclaimer: This is not a bashing on those whom have experienced breast cancer or lost a loved one to breast cancer. My prayers and thoughts go out to those impacted. Breast cancer is real and touches a number of lives. However, if you will read this post, you will see it does not touch near as many lives as mental illness yet gets so much more attention.

soapbox-259x194

Well, it’s started…the onslaught of pink. Pink ribbon work gloves for men. A number of pink ribbon items for sale at my workplace. Pink ribbon items in EVERY mainline store you enter. Profile pictures gone pink left and right. Pink is on the football fields of all levels. The only way to NOT see pink ribbons all month (and all year) is to crawl under the blankets and never come out. All of this is done in the name of Breast Cancer Awareness…

View original post 862 more words

Figuring Out How To Succeed At Blogging

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Friday!!!! Apparently, I’m not reaching as many people as I hoped I would be. I only have 15 followers and don’t get many views. I am just getting frustrated with myself because I am not blogging as regularly as I was wanting to as well as not doing much educating when it comes to mental illness. I was hoping that I would educate people on particular mental health diagnoses but it appears that something is getting in my way in doing that. That something is me. I’m the one that is hindering the progression of this blog. On the positive side, I know that through my blog that I am showing others that recovery is possible (or at least I think I am).

My thinking was (and still is) when I started this blog was to show others that recovery is possible and that their is hope. I know that my blog is succeeding to a point when it comes to showing others that recovery is possible but it’s not succeeding in other ways. Its not succeeding in the number of followers or views I have or get and I think the reason being is the reason I stated earlier in this blog and that is the education part of it. I am hoping that once things start settling down with the new job as well as the new volunteer job that I will be able to start the education part of this blog. It is my hope that I will educate on the diagnosis’s that I have as well the ones I no longer meet the criteria for. I then hope to do some education on the diagnoses that family members and close friends struggle with and then go on from there.

Now that you heard enough about how my blog is not succeeding let get on to other subjects. I will start with my boyfriend. When he got off from work this morning I had made him breakfast. I made him pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs. According to my boyfriend I burned the bacon. He pretty much likes eating bacon raw or at least almost raw. He likes all the fat on it. I do have to say that the fat on the bacon is what makes bacon taste good. After eating breakfast and doing dishes we had some intimate moments. Intimacy is something I personally struggle with because of some severe trauma I experienced as a child and even some trauma I experienced as an adult. With that being said my boyfriend makes me feel safe especially during intimate moments. He is gentle with me and extremely loving.

Speaking of loving, I am loving my new job. Yes, I know a loving partner is completely different than loving your job. I not only love my job, I enjoy it as well. My job gives me great joy even though its not the position I desire. In regards to it not being the position I desire its a foot in the door as well as moving up opportunities.

Since we are on the topic of opportunities, my volunteer job at the Warm Line gives me training opportunities as well as possible career advancement at my current employer and possibly at the Crisis Line where the Warm Line is run out of. Yes, I know what I just said sounds a little selfish but if what I do employment wise as well as volunteering gives me a purpose in life then so be it. I’m improving with being a call taker on the Warm Line and am no longer a deer in head lights. I am finally getting in the grove of things as a call taker.

I so want to share more with you right now but I realize I am hungry and need to figure out what I want to cook for dinner. I’m hoping that my boyfriend will give me some idea’s. Actually, I am hoping that he will do the cooking tonight.  Well, have a good Friday evening everyone. I hope everyone enjoys there weekend and has some fun. Peace out.

Love Is A Beautiful Thing

Posted on by Gertie

     Love is a beautiful thing. Today, I was the Best Woman (instead of the Best Man) in one of my closest friends wedding. She got married to her long time girlfriend. They are now Wife and Wife. My friend wore a white tux with a purple vest and bowtie while her now wife wore a white wedding dress. They were both beautiful. I was in a black tux with a purple comber bun and bowtie. Even though wearing black in 86 F degree weather is quite hot, its better than wearing a dress. I’m not a big dress fan. I’m a “tom boy.” Anyway it was a beautiful wedding. The reason why my friend and her now wife chose to get married today was because of the date, 7/7/14. They not only think its lucky but they are both math teachers. They chose today because 7+7=14 or if you look at it date wise 7/7/14. They said their I dos at 7:07pm and 14 seconds. I am so happy my friend was able to get married to the woman of her dreams.

     Well, I worked this morning and it wasn’t a very good day at work. It wasn’t a good at work because I found out that one of my favorite elderly customers passed away. Her daughter came into the store this morning and told me and my co-workers. In fact I went to her 91st birthday back in May. I was told by this customer that I’m part of her family. That’s why her daughter and other children want me to give the eulogy at the funeral. I said yes. It’s going to be tough on me. Let’s get on a happier topic. I may not like my current job and it has nothing to do with death. I don’t like it because its not a career that I want to be in. Since I feel like I am in a dead in job, I’m going to review my resume’ tomorrow as well as look at jobs in the field that I want to be in. If I find a job opportunity to apply to I will not only apply but write a cover letter for that particular job.

     Speaking of a job opportunity I finally heard back for an organization I applied to, to become a volunteer. That particular organization is American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). I’m hoping things go well with becoming a Field Advocate for them. Not sure what’s in store. I’m still waiting on more information. They do a lot of work regarding suicide prevention as well as try to get laws passed to help those who struggle with mental illness. I’m now waiting to hear back from National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). I’m wanting to volunteer for them as well. In a couple of weeks I’m suppose to start training for a local Peer Support Warm Line. In all honesty, I fear that I might me taking too much on too quickly. I just want to not work a grocery store anymore. Nine years just seems way too long to be working at one and I feel like if volunteer in the mental health field then I’m more than likely to get a job as a Peer Counselor. You would think that volunteering at homeless shelter that specializes in mental illness is enough but I don’t think so. I’m hoping that I will be able to give of my time because I don’t have money to give. Plus giving of your time means much more than giving money a great deal of the time.

     Any way another thing I did was go and see my therapist. I of course got there an hour early like I do a lot of the time. While waiting to see my therapist I read A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens. I’m enjoying the book immensely. Diana (my therapist) and I talked about the 5 year anniversary of the trauma I experienced. We talked about the increase PTSD symptoms and the self harm urges I’ve been having. We also discussed the minor urges regarding the eating disorders. Diana is a little concerned about the self harm urges as well as the eating disorder urges and we discussed ways on how I can continue to NOT harm myself my cutting or starving myself or binging and purging. We discussed on what skills I could do. We discussed what could help in conjunction with my DBT skills. I told her I can look over my WRAP. WRAP stands for Wellness Recovery Action Plan.  Thankfully she has enough confidence in me that I wont relapse with the cutting or the eating disorders that we didn’t have to do a safety contract. Diana says that I am making “Wise mind” decisions and that I don’t have to worry about becoming Borderline again. She says I’m still a recovered Borderline because I’m far from meeting the criteria again. She tells me just as long as I am doing what I am suppose to be doing in my recovery I don’t have to worry. Plus I am far from being Borderline again or least that’s what she tells me. I am extremely fearful of becoming Borderline again. Diana keeps reassuring me that I don’t have to worry about it. She also told me that she was proud of me for all the hard work I am doing with my recovery process. Its difficult to hear someone tell me that they are proud of me but its cool to hear at the same time.(Side Note: Diana is a pseudonym for her protection and the protection of her other clients.) Oh boy its 11:00pm pacific time.

    Speaking of what time it is I better end this blog entry for now. I am a little tired. I’ve been up since 4am pacific time because of work. I hope I didn’t bore you all with this extremely long blog. Enjoy the last hour of your Monday. Oh yeah Happy 7/7/14. Goodnight and don’t let the bedbugs bite. Peace out everyone.

An Accomplished Week

Posted on by Gertie

     Well another Saturday is coming to a close and I am looking back on the week to see what I accomplished. I’ve accomplished a great deal. I worked 3 days this week which equals to 13.5 hours. I went to a 3 day training regarding Co-Occurring Disorders. I also went to a 4th of July party. So I accomplished a great deal this week.

      I had a great time at the 4th of July party I went to yesterday. Yes, I did get overwhelmed a little due to PTSD however I was surrounded by people who care about me. I enjoyed watching the fireworks. They were surprisingly good this year. Still not as good as Disneyland. I really enjoyed all the food I ate. I do have to admit that I had urges to binge and purge with all the food I ate. Its been a while since I had any urges regarding the Anorexia and/or Bulimia. I think the urges popped up because of the PTSD. Overall, I enjoyed my time at the 4th of July party,

     My PTSD symptoms are acting up because tomorrow (Sunday, July 6, 2014) is the five year anniversary of me being date r*p*d by my boyfriend at the time. My current boyfriend has been extremely supportive of me regarding this horrific anniversary. Unfortunately, my boyfriend is working at the moment. He wont get off work till tomorrow morning. He is doing an overtime (OT) shift. I am going to be honest with you. I have been fighting urges to cut today. I still get urges to self harm quite frequently but I choose not to because it just makes the situation worse.

     I know I spoke about this yesterday but I’m going to bring it up again. I really enjoyed the Co-Occurring Disorders training I attended. I loved learning the science of addiction. Its quite fascinating on what the brain does and how it reacts to different things including how drugs and/or alcohol effects it. I reread the material again. In fact I know I will reread it again because I can always learn something new every time I read it.

     Speaking of reading, I continued reading A Tale Of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens. It helped me a great deal today because it got my mind off of things. It got my mind off of the urges to cut. Yes, I may be a Recovered Borderline but unfortunately I still get urges to self harm. Its what do with the urges. I have to use my DBT skills. Reading is one of those skills. I love to read.

     Another thing I did today was go to Half Priced Books and bought two psychology text books for only $13.51. I’m not in school but I love to learn. I bought the psychology books in hopes to learn more. I also want to see what colleges and universities are teaching future therapist and social workers because they maybe helping me someday in the future. I didn’t make it through my first year at a community college because of my mental illness. So I’ve been trying to educate myself by buying various types of text books when they are cheap and out of date.

      I best be going because the local news is now over. That means Saturday Night Live is on next. SNL always make me laugh. Humor make me feel better. Well I best be going. I hope to blog again tomorrow. Enjoy the last 25 minutes of your Saturday. I’m glad I’ve accomplished so much this past week. Good night and peace out.

Preparing For U.S.A Vs. Portugal

Posted on by Gertie

     Happy Sunday Morning!!!! I am a little tired because I was up most of the night getting food ready for the World Cup party my boyfriend and I are hosting at his place when the U.S plays against Portugal today. My boyfriend and I invited a lot of people to watch the U.S play against Portugal because we wanted a family friendly environment for those who have children. No my boyfriend and I don’t have children but we thought it would be a good idea to have family friendly World Cup party for those of our friends who have kids as well as those who have no kids.

     While preparing a good portion of the food last night I got triggered. See I use to suffer from an eating disorder. In fact I use to suffer from both Anorexia and Bulimia. Even though its been 15 years since I last really struggled with the eating disorders, I occasionally get triggered with the eating disorder stuff. Of course it was just a fleeting trigger and didn’t go back into the eating disorder stuff. I continued preparing food for the party because it needed to be done and realize that when I prepare a great deal of food I sometimes get triggered. I really do enjoy preparing food. I love cooking. My boyfriend is going to be barbequing the meat I marinated over night. Of course my boyfriend is going to be barbequing hot dogs for the kids. In fact I might even have a hot dog.

     Something else that my boyfriend and I have done for this party is make enjoyable for both adults and children alike. We have a slip and slide in the back yard for the kids to use. I’m sure some of the adults might even use it. The game is going to be on the big screen T.V in the living room as well as smaller T.V.’s through out the house. For the kids there are the going to be games for them to play. Those games are going to vary from board games to scavenger hunts.

      My boyfriend and invited a lot of people. We invited people we work with as well as people we went to high school with. We invited some of his neighbors. My boyfriend even invited his family which I am thrilled about. His family is amazing. I didn’t invited my family for many different reasons. I mainly didn’t invite them because they are either not into soccer or live to far away to get to the party. I am getting excited about seeing some of my old high school friends as well as meeting my boyfriends high school buddies.

      I am a getting a little anxiety about the party and all the people that are going to be there. I’m also have anxiety of what’s left to do even though my boyfriend said that he, his mom and two of his sisters are going to finish up what left to do. Honestly, there is not much left to do.

    I best be going. I need to get ready for the day and try to help with the finishing touches for the party. Have a good rest of your Sunday morning. Well what’s left of your Sunday morning. There are only 8 minutes left of the morning. I hope to blog later on to tell you all how the party went. Have a good Sunday all. Peace out and GO U.S.A!!

Using Mindfulness While Gettting Ready For Work

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s another Sunday. That means I’m not only getting ready for work but getting into the mindset to work. For some reason my anxiety is giving me some difficulty at the moment. Not sure why it is. That’s why I’m using mindfulness. Mindfulness is a useful tool for anyone to use even if you don’t have anxiety problems or other mental health issues. I also did some meditation. Meditation helps me a great deal even though its not an easy thing for me to do. Well, I best be going. I need to finish getting ready for work. Have a great day everyone.

Finding The Humor In Things

Posted on by Gertie

     Happy Friday!! Well, Happy Friday to those who happen to be lucky enough have the weekends off. Unfortunately, Fridays are my Mondays. As you can tell I worked today. As I told you in an earlier blog I work at a national chain grocery store. Well, for some reason they wanted me to clean the cart corals. You know those things in the parking lot of grocery stores where you put your carts in after you’re done unloading your groceries. Well, when my assistant manager told me that corporate wanted me to clean them and clean them with bleach I laughed and said “you gotta be kidding me.” He shook his and said he wasn’t joking. I told him that I would do it but I didn’t see the point in cleaning them especially since they are outside. He didn’t see the point either but was only relaying the message. Come on, don’t I have better things to do like help customers. What in the world is corporate thinking? If they want those cart corals cleaned then why don’t they come to the store level and do it themselves. To tell you the truth I think it’s kind of funny that corporate it want me to do this. The customers even thought is was funny. Some of them even asked if they could take a picture of me and put it up on Facebook because it’s so ridiculous. I don’t like having pictures taken of my but in this case I made an exception. The two reasons why I was even willing to clean the cart corals was because of it being so humorous and it’s nice outside.

     I think humor plays a big part of my recovery. No, I don’t think in plays a big part in my recovery, I KNOW it plays a MAJOR part in my recovery. If I didn’t have my humor then I would have completely lost my mind all together and I sure in the hell wouldn’t be in recovery.

     I should end this blog entry for now. I hope that I was able to give you the reader/follower at least a little chuckle if not full fledged laugh out loud moment. I’m all for finding the humor in things. Have a good afternoon everyone.

Not In My Ideal Job

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Thursday!!! As you all know it’s Thursday and that means most people are getting excited about the weekend. I don’t get excited about weekend because I work the weekends. I’m not trying to sound like I am complaining because as much as I dislike my current employment, I really do enjoy being able to work. I realize that there are people who are not able to work due to their disability. I guess I’m just frustrated with myself because I’m stuck in a job that is that is not personally going anywhere for me and my career path.

I know that I am meant to be a peer support specialist/peer counselor. I have applied to five places and out of those five places, I got four job interviews and no job offers. I am beyond grateful that I even got an interview much less four. I know that many people don’t have those kind of odds. I’m having anxiety that I wont get a job as a peer support specialist/peer counselor because of not getting any job offers. I just to need to realize that I’m lucky that I got four job interviews out of the five places I applied to.

This is the typical anxiety I go through almost on the daily basis. I have a lot of self doubt about myself and my abilities. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I wasn’t in recovery with my mental illness that I wouldn’t be having self doubt or doubting my abilities. My recovery means the world to me and if self doubting and doubting my abilities is one of my biggest struggles with mental illness then I will take it. Its better than how I used to be when I was at my worst.

Speaking of recovery, I need to get going. I have to get ready to go to my therapy session. I am grateful that I have such a great therapist who is more than willing to be invested in my recovery process. Well I best be going now. Have a good Thursday. I hope to blog later on today. Enjoy the rest of your morning everyone.

A Little Insight Of What I Am Passionate About.

Posted on by Gertie

Hey! It’s another Wednesday and it’s absolutely beautiful outside. It’s been a trying day but I muddled through and took care of the situation that made the day trying. With that being said my day has been an overall good despite the trying moment I dealt with earlier.

I had good time at my volunteer job today. I volunteer at a homeless shelter that specializes it dealing with the those who are the most severely disabled by mental illness and/or addictions to drugs and/or alcohol. I enjoy it. In fact homelessness is becoming one of my passions. What I mean by that is I want to help those who are chronically homeless and struggle with mental illness and/or addiction issues. In fact I’m starting to do my own research on mental illness and homelessness and the effects it has on society. I’m also looking into the effect that being homeless has on a persons mental illness. No, I’m not doing this for school or work. I’m doing it to increase my knowledge and maybe gain some wisdom and insight. I another reason why I am passionate about homelessness is because I was homeless myself at one point in time. Thankfully, it was a short period of my life and was only for a short period of time. I am hoping that one day that I can be an advocate for the mentally ill as well as the homeless and intertwine the two. I’m hoping that maybe my personal research can affect people in positive way and maybe change some laws.

Speaking of politics, I’m starting to realize that I want to start volunteering in it again. I use to volunteer in politics and absolutely loved it. I enjoy having healthy debated related to politics. I also like learning how bills may or may not pass in the house and senate. I’m thinking that maybe getting involved more with my union will be a get start in getting involved with politics again. If I really look deep inside of myself I am passionate about politics as well.

As I sit here writing this blog I realize that I shared with you some things that I am passionate about. I also realize that the things that I’ve shared with you regarding what I am passionate about can go hand in hand. I have many other passions and most of them are intertwined and go hand in hand. I don’t have the time at the moment to share with you my other passions but hopefully I will be able to share them with you soon.

Well like I just said I don’t have much more time to continue this particular blog entry and wish you all well. I hope you all have a good evening, night or day for whatever part of the world you maybe in.

It’s Been A Good Tuesday

Posted on by Gertie

Hey!! It’s another Tuesday!! Today, didn’t start off in the most desirable way. I woke up with a nightmare. Not the way anyone wants to start off their day. Apparently and unfortunately it was a screaming nightmare. I found this out when the police showed up at my door. Once again, I was highly embarrassed that they were called and that I disturbed my neighbors again due to the PTSD I struggle with on the daily (and nightly) basis. The police did their jobs and thanked me for understanding. When the police left, I decided to stay up and get ready for the day.

As I was getting ready for my day my boyfriend called me to make plans for the day. I was more than pleased that we made plans because having such a rude awaking from a nightmare can cause my day to be rocky. We made plans to meet up Downtown to have lunch after his doctors appointment. So I met up with my boyfriend and we decided to go to Johnny Rockets. I love the atmosphere of Johnny Rockets and their food is absolutely awesome. I had the Houston while my boyfriend had the Smoke House Double and we shared a Chocolate Shake. As, we ate we made plans to do with the rest of our day.

After we ate we walked around the Downtown area of the city we live in. We decided to go into Barnes & Noble to look around. There I bought three books. In fact all three book are classics and I personally think they are books that I should have been assigned to read in school despite being in a special education English class. (Don’t get me started on the education I received in high school or the lack there of it.) It is my humble opinion that even though I was in a Special Ed English class I should have been required to read the three books that I bought today. The books I bought today are: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens and A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. I love to read and enjoy it immensely despite having dyslexia and other reading issues. After buying books we decided to come home to his place.

When we arrived to his place we worked on a jigsaw puzzle together. We both love to do jigsaw puzzles. After that we both decided to read. I of course picked up the book that I am currently reading. The that I am reading is The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn R. Saks. The book is a memoir of Elyn R. Saks life. She writes about her struggle with Schizophrenia and her struggle with the illness as well as her recovery and how her education helped her through her struggle. While I was reading my mom called from my little brother’s place.

When my mom calls that means it’s 6pm on Tuesday. I had to set a specific time for her to call because she would (and still tries to) call me multiple times a day. I talked with her. Thankfully, she wasn’t as full as drama as she usually is. I think the reason being is because she was over at my little brother place. My little brother and I extremely close despite our 11 year age difference. He is my hero. He too struggles with his own disabilities but I wont share them here unless I have his permission. Since my mom was at my brothers place I talked to him as well. I love his sense of humor. After about an hour of talking to my mom and brother I decided to call my dad and talked with him for about a half an hour.

After my conversation ended with my dad at 7:30pm (Pacific Time), Josh asked what I wanted to eat. We agreed on Spaghetti, so he is started fixing dinner as I blog. The spaghetti sure smells great. My boyfriend is an awesome cook. His food is almost as good as my grandmas food. Of course nobodies food is ever as good as grandmas food. Well I better end this entry and help my boyfriend finish dinner since it is now 8:07pm (Pacific Time). Have good rest of your evening, night or day wherever you maybe in the world.