Tag Archives: Mental Health

Nightmares Suck!!!

Posted on by Gertie

     Good morning Thursday! It is 1:46 in the morning pacific time and I am awake from a screaming nightmare. Waking up from a nightmare is not very fun. I am tired as hell. Waking up my boyfriend from my nightmares is not my idea of fun. He is helping me through this difficult moment of waking up from a horrific nightmare. PTSD is a daily struggle. In fact it is a nightly struggle as well. If it wasn’t for his support or the support of my friends when my nightmares act up I would have some pretty lonesome nights. I choose to depend on my support system to help me through difficult moments like my nightmares.

     Another way to help myself through rough times like these is read books such as A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles  Dickens. Most of the time I end up reading a comic book. Mainly I read Wonder Woman comic books to get my mind back on track so I can get back to bed. Sometimes watching comedies like The Cosby Show helps me relax enough to get back to sleep. Sometimes I watch comedy movies to help make me laugh. Laughter make me relax to where I can calm myself down enough so I can eventually get some sleep.

    If it wasn’t for the love and support of my boyfriend supporting me right now I would be dealing with it by myself. I also get support from friends when I ask for it. The hard thing for me is asking for the help. So accepting help from my boyfriend is a major accomplishment for me. Depending on your natural support system is a major sign of the recovery process.

    I think it’s time for me to try to go back to bed and get some sleep. I do have a doctors appointment in the morning regarding my burned fingers. They still hurt like hell. Have a good night sleep all. I will let you all know what my doctor says about my burned fingers after my appointment. Peace out and have a goodnight sleep.

Blogging With Burned Fingers

Posted on by Gertie

     Well its another Wednesday and unfortunately was unable to go to my volunteer job today. I was unable to go because I accidently burned three fingers last night cleaning my stove. The attending physician that saw me last night in the ER called me to see how my fingers were. I told her that they hurt like hell but seem to be doing well. Even the nurse that took care of me last night called to see how my fingers are doing and I told her the same thing I told the doctor. Speaking of doctors I made an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow for a follow from the ER visit regarding my burned fingers.

     Since I didn’t go to my volunteer job today, I continued reading A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens. I am really surprised that I am enjoying the book. I have to admit that I am a little disappointed with the school district that I graduated from because they didn’t require the students in Special Ed English to read the classics like the rest of the students. I was a mainstreamed Special Ed student. That means that most of my classes were regular classes. The only Special Ed class I was in was English because of my dyslexia and other “reading issues.” Don’t get me started on the lack of education I got from the school district I graduated from. The school district I spent most of my school years in was absolutely great but the school district I ended up graduating in was lacking quite a bit. Getting back on topic of reading, I am really enjoy A Tale of Two Cities.

     I also read some comic books. I read four Wonder Woman comics, two Superman comics, two Batman comics, two Spiderman comics and three X-Men comic. . I love comic books. Just like reading “normal” books, reading comics distracts me from a lot of things. It distracts me from the every day stress of life and at times distracts me from the symptoms of my mental illness. I collect all sort of comic books but I mainly collect Wonder Woman. I am a big Wonder Woman fan. I don’t discriminate between the comic book universes because both universes have there great characters.

     After I am done blogging for the evening my boyfriend and I are going to watch documentaries on homelessness. If you have been reading my blog you know that I volunteer at a homeless shelter and that I am passionate about ending homelessness. I really missed going to my volunteer job today at the homeless shelter. I can relate a great deal to most of the clients in the shelter because most of them have a mental illness. Plus at one point in time I was homeless. Thankfully it was only a short amount of time. Yes, I have my favorite clients even though we are not suppose to. A lot of the clients do seek out mental health help as well as help with addictions from alcohol and/or drugs. Unfortunately, some don’t get treatment. Getting treatment or not getting treatment is an entire different blog entry in itself.

     I better get going. My fingers are hurting like hell at the moment. I wasn’t expecting to blog so much today. Word to the wise make sure your burner is completely off when you clean your stove. I really thought I turned the burner of all the way last night when I started cleaning the stove. Well, I need to get going.

     Have a great Wednesday evening everyone. Now it’s time spend time with my boyfriend. Peace out and enjoy the rest of your Wednesday.

ONE BIG OUCH (No Make That 3 Big Ouches)

Posted on by Gertie

     Hey! It’s still Tuesday. I am typing this blog in pain. Why are you in pain you ask. Well, I forgot to turn the burner off all the way and went to clean it and well I burned the tops of three of my fingers. So when I burned my fingers my boyfriend gave me ice as he put our dinner away that we had just fixed but not eaten yet and then he took me to the Emergency Room (ER). Surprisingly I only spent 45 minutes in the ER. I got some cream stuff to put on my fingers. Yes I am already getting blisters on 2 out of my 3 burned fingers. In all honesty I don’t think I should be typing right now. My fingers hurt like hell. I do have to say that both the Attending physician and Resident Physician were extremely pleasant and helpful. The nurse of course of extraordinary. I was told to not go to my volunteer job tomorrow and am really disappointed about that. I enjoy my volunteer job.

     It looks like since I am unable to volunteer tomorrow that I will be doing a lot of reading. If you haven’t read A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, I encourage you to read it. I am enjoying the book immensely. 

     I should get going for two reasons. One: Dinner is finally reheated and am hungry. So its time to eat. Two: My fingers are in extreme pain and I should stop typing now. I am hoping to blog tomorrow but if I don’t you know why. Have a good Tuesday evening everyone. Peace out and take care of yourselves.

Good Morning!!

Posted on by Gertie

     Good Morning!! It’s Tuesday and I need to figure out what to do today. Structure is a good thing for me. Although staying home and being lazy sounds like a good idea. Maybe its because the weather isn’t so great today. I think it might be one of those days that I will spend the day with my boyfriend watching movies and doing jigsaw puzzles. I love jigsaw puzzles. I might even start on a new cross-stitching project today. I of course will continue to read A Tale Of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens. I am truly enjoying A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.

      Well I’m going to end this particular blog entry so I can go out and enjoy the day with whatever I may do. Have an awesome Tuesday everyone. Peace out and enjoy your day.

HAPPY MONDAY!!!

Posted on by Gertie

     HAPPY MONDAY!!! Well its a little after 10 o’clock (pacific time) Monday evening and it’s been a long day for me. I worked a four hour shift this morning and it went by so slowly. After work I rushed home to change out of my work clothes because I needed to catch a bus to make it to my appointment with my therapist on time.

     My appointment with my therapist went as well as it can be expected. It is therapy after all. I did shed a few tears over a tough topic for me. I don’t cry much and when I do cry it’s a big deal. Crying doesn’t come easy for me. I trust my therapist enough to let her see me cry. I think my current therapist is the only therapist that I ever cried in front of. I trust her.

     When I got home from my therapy appointment I decided to go to the neighborhood park and read. I am reading A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. So far I am enjoying book. Reading is one of the things that gives me pleasure in this world. It helps me forget my problems for the time being. Reading gets me out of my own head.

      After I was done reading in the park I came home and made me some dinner. I had scrambled eggs, French toast, orange juice and milk. I love having breakfast for dinner. I make sure I eat on the regular basis because it helps regulate my mental illness a great deal.

      When I finished with my dinner I talked with my little brother. He is doing quite well. He made me laugh with is corny yet very humorous jokes. I wonder where he gets his jokes from and I know they are not from me. I love my little brother.

       After I talked to my brother I watched some T.V. I got bored watching T.V. and realized I didn’t blog yet for Monday so I decided to blog. I am getting a little sleepy and I should get going. Good sleep hygiene is also a good way to stay stable. So that means I’m going to call it a night and go to bed.

       Yes, I know it’s only 10:31pm(pacific time) but I am tired. Have good night everyone. Sweet dreams and don’t let the bed bugs bite. (My grandpa said that to me whenever he tucked me in at night when I was a child.) Peace out and sleep well.

Sunday Morning Pre-Work Rambling

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s another Sunday morning and I am getting ready for work. I don’t really like what time I get off tonight but that’s okay because at least work keeps me busy. I really didn’t want to work today because a friend of mine is singing and the place of worship she attends.

     My friend has the most beautiful voice you ever heard. If she wasn’t such a good friend I wouldn’t have considered setting foot in a church. My friend has stuck by me through thick and thin. She never has shoved her religion down my throat like a lot of other people do. She considers herself a Christian. I’m grateful that she doesn’t judge me that I don’t consider myself a Christian. She understands why don’t. If you have been reading my blog you know why I don’t consider myself as a Christian.

     Now on to other things. I may not like my work shift today but I am grateful that I am able to work. I maybe in a job that I consider dead end but at least I have a job. Their are so many people out there that don’t have jobs or who are unable to work. Yes, I know yesterday I was frustrated with my life that I am not where I want to be in life with my career and that’s I still feel at the moment but I realize that if I keep working at my current employment and searching for jobs in the field that I desire to be in, then the right job will come along.

     Speaking of jobs I need to get going. I need to end this blog entry and finish getting ready for work. Have a great Sunday everyone. Hope to blog again tomorrow.

Being Hard On Myself

Posted on by Gertie

     Hey! It’s another Saturday evening and no dinner parties to attend or host. I’m fine with that because it’s always nice to have a quiet Saturday evening at home. At this very moment as I am blogging I am sipping on some hot chocolate and kind of watching Lockup: Raw on MSNBC. 

    I will be honest with you at the moment I am frustrated with myself. I’m frustrated with myself because of how I am viewing myself. I view myself as a failure. I view myself this way because of how our society and culture view people with mental illness. American Culture views those who struggle with mental illness as the scum of the earth. Another reason why I view myself as failure is because I am a 30something with barely a high school education and no college education stuck in a dead in job. Come on, how many 30somethings do you know working as a courtesy clerk (bagger) at grocery store for the last 9 years. I just don’t want to go to my 20 year high school reunion in four years and have nothing to show for myself. Yes, I know I’m being hard on myself.

    I know what my therapist would tell me in this situation because I have discussed the above paragraph with her multiple times. She would tell me that many of my classmates didn’t have to fight their asses off to get stable from a mental illness and fight through the pain of a horrific childhood. (Side Note: Only parts of my childhood were horrific.) She would also ask me what my rational or wise mind would say. Diana, my therapist would also point out that many people my age may have a college education but they have not been at the same employer as long as I have.(Side Note: Diana is a pseudonym) I cant argue with that point because many of my friends in my age range haven’t been employed with the same employer as long as I have been with mine.

   I think American culture plays a major role in the stigma of mental illness. As much as I love being an American; the American way is quite frustrating at times. What does have the American Dream really mean? American society focus’s on individualism yet has unspoken rule of what the American dream is. That American Dream is to get an education and graduate from college in hope to land your “dream job” then get married and have children and own your own home

    Anyway, I’m getting off topic. I really want to get a college education. I hope to some day get an education and become a social worker. If you were to ask me what my current “American Dream” is. My response is: “To be able to work full time in a job I enjoy. Preferably in the mental health field starting as a Peer Support Specialist/Counselor. To get off disability. To be able to live in and afford a fare market value apartment. Some day get married and have family. A plus in my “American Dream” would be able to get a degree in Social Work and become a social worker.” I know that someday that part of my “American Dream” will come true.

   I just wish I wasn’t so hard on myself. I know that “normal” people are hard themselves. I also know that they don’t have the everyday struggles of mental illness that I and many other people deal with. Sometimes I wonder if “normal” people would be able to deal with a mental illness. I’m my own worst critic and my own worst enemy but aren’t we all. In my opinion people who struggle with mental illness are tougher on themselves than others because we so desperately strive to be whatever the hell normal is.

   Now that I’ve bored you with my frustrations I’m going to end this blog entry. I know some day that I will be on the career path that I desire. I know one day I will be able to get off of disability. One day I will have my “American Dream.” One day I wont be so hard on myself and with the help of my therapist I will eventually not be so hard on myself or at least not as often.

    Thank you for reading my blog. I am sorry that this one is so long and it seems to be more venting than anything else. I hope that this blog entry helps those who struggle with mental illness that recovery is possible because it is possible and you are not alone in your struggles. Now I’m going to end this entry and put my full attention in watching Lockup: Raw on MSNBC. Have good evening all. I hope to blog tomorrow before I go to work.

Full Moon Friday The 13th 2014

Posted on by Gertie

     Happy Full Moon Friday the 13th!! A full moon landing on Friday the 13th is a pretty uncommon but cool occurrence. The next time a full moon will on Friday the 13th will Friday, August 13, 2049. That’s 35 years away.

     Well, as some of you may be aware with reading my blog I work Fridays. Fridays are my Mondays. I didn’t have a good day at work. I had a co-worker tell me today, “you’re a nobody,” when I was taking a break. My eyes filled with tears and I said, “you’re right I am a nobody.” The look on his face was an oh shit what did I say look. The tears in my eyes were real and what he said to me triggered me greatly. It not only triggered my PTSD but some of the old tapes in my head. After splashing some water on my face I apologized to him for allowing him to get to me and that I would never tell anybody that they are a nobody. My break finished and I went back to work. Apparently he told on himself and told his department manager who told the store manager. So the four of us had a meeting. My co-worker apologized and I accepted it. The store manager asked why I didn’t notify him on what my co-worker said to me. I told the store manager that I didn’t report it to him because I didn’t think it was warranted. My co-worker looked and me and said, “It takes a lot for you to cry and if someone says something that makes you tear up then you should report it. That’s why I tattled on myself because I made you tear up.” I am just grateful that we got it taken care of. I shunned it off as it being Friday the 13th and a full moon.

     When I got home from work I realized that I felt like cutting myself due to being triggered so I took a nice like shower. After the shower I then finished up a cross-stitch project that I was doing. After I was done with the cross-stitch I put it away because I want to frame it and give it to my grandparents. (Side note: My grandparents helped raised me.) So when I put up my finished cross-stitching project for my grandparents I read a Wonder Woman comic book.

     I read the Wonder Woman comic because somehow it gives me a source of strength. I’m not sure why reading Wonder Woman gives me a source of strength but it does. She is the ultimate superhero. For the longest time she was the only female superhero. I wish that she wasn’t the only superhero girls had in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and even part of the 80’s but am grateful that she was there for us “girls” now women. I thank the feminist movement for making sure she stayed around.

     After I finished my Wonder Woman comic book I picked up the book, The Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens. I read the first 11 pages and realized that I was hungry. I fixed me some left overs and ate. After eating I read another 10 or so pages when I decided blog this particular entry. So far I am enjoying The Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.

    Just so you all know that because I used the skills I learned I did NOT self harm. I think I was triggered to cut because of what was said to me at work earlier today. I am grateful that I used my skills to help me through the urges to self harm. My recovery means the world to me. Now what to do after I am done with this particular blog entry.

    Since I am planning on ending this particular blog entry I am think I am going to look for jobs in the peer support specialist/peer counseling because I am not working in a grocery store has never been my career path. I never thought I would still be working at a grocery store for nine years. So part of my plans for the rest of the evening is to look to see if there are any positions for peer support specialist/peer counseling. I know I am meant to be a peer counselor.

    Well, now that I bored you with my day I am going to end this blog entry. Have a great Full Moon Friday The 13th. Peace out and have out their in the world.

Therapy, Recovery, and Wonder Woman

Posted on by Gertie

     Hey! It’s Thursday and that means its the day I go see my therapist and I did. In fact I will start seeing her on Mondays again this Monday after I get off work. I have been seeing my therapist for 5 1/2 years now at a local community mental health clinic. Diana, my therapist has been the longest clinician I’ve had and that has helped a great deal in my recovery process. I’m grateful that she has not given up on me or my recovery process. In fact, Diana was the one who told me the summer of 2013 that I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She officially took it off my chart. It took a lot of work to get it off my chart with her help. Of course I’ve had clinicians in the past who have helped a great deal with me with my recovery process.

     Diana, of course is not my therapist real name. I’ve given her a pseudonym for her privacy as well as the privacy of her past, current and future clients. I did ask if it was okay if I could give her a pseudonym for my blog and said yes. In fact we came up with pseudonym together. We chose the name Diana of Diana Prince because I am a huge Wonder Woman fan. Diana Prince is Wonder Woman’s human name. It was the name we both agreed on. I liked it because Diana (Wonder Woman) is a woman of strength and I see my therapist as a woman of strength. I would tell you why she liked it but I am not sure if I would have her permission to do so and most importantly I want to protect her privacy and her other clients.

     Speaking of Diana Prince (Wonder Woman) I finally got the last five issues. I finally had the money to buy them. I am so behind on my reading and collection of Wonder Woman. I have to figure out the other issue I need to buy. Reading and collecting Wonder Woman comic books has helped me a great deal with my recovery process. It’s one of my many Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skills that I use on the daily basis.

     Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is an entire blog entry in itself. I do have to say if it wasn’t for DBT I would not be currently employed nor would I be a recovered Borderline. DBT has given me the skills I need to live a life worth living. DBT has been a major part of my recovery and will continue to be part of my recovery. I hope to explain more about DBT later. I need get going to use my DBT Skills by fixing me and my boyfriend something to eat.

     I guess I will end this blog entry for now and hope to do another blog entry tomorrow. Until then go out and have fun in this world of ours. Peace out and have fun.

Book Review on: The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn R. Saks

Posted on by Gertie

     Hey! I finally finished the book The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness, by Elyn R. Saks. I am going to give you a book review on the book. I have never done a book review in my life unless of course if you count book reports that you had to do in elementary school and junior high. I hope that the following review gives some insight of mental illness and hope of some sort of recovery for those of us who struggle with mental illness.

     The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn R. Saks in my opinion is an extremely good book. It kept my attention and that is difficult to do especially since one of my many struggles happens to be ADHD. Well, the book is a memoir of Ms. Saks life and her struggles with Schizophrenia. Ms. Saks is an accomplished woman. She graduated from Vanderbilt, Oxford and Yale Law School and doing all that in the height of her illness. She is a professor at USC school of law. The book is her journey to a life worth living for her and in her terms. Its very inspiring. She is what “society” views as a success. I hope that one day I can be a success in societies eyes like her even though my career path is not like hers and my educational path is nowhere close to hers. That’s okay because everybody’s path is different. I highly encourage you all to read it. It is my opinion that it would be a condition of employment if you work with people who struggle with mental illness. Ms. Saks gives insight that no text book can ever do. 

     This book gives me hope for my own recovery with my mental illness even though I don’t struggle with Schizophrenia. I hope that if a person who struggles with mental illness reads the book that they can get hope from it as well. It is also my hope that the book gives some insight about someone’s struggles with mental illness to those who don’t struggle with one as well as those who work with those who struggle with one. It’s not easy dealing with a mental illness and the stigma that goes along with that doesn’t make it any easier.

     I don’t think my book review is all that great but the book is absolutely amazing. It’s a must read. Now that I am done with the review I will end this blog entry for now. Have a good evening everyone and enjoy the rest of your Wednesday. Peace out everyone.