Tag Archives: Children

Daily Prompt: Thank You

Posted on by Gertie

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Thank You.” The internet is full of rants. Help tip the balance: today, simply be thankful for something (or someone).

As I was searching through the past daily prompts today, I came a crossed this daily prompt. I thought it would be a good one to do just because I have a lot to be thankful for.

First things first I am thankful for my dad. There are so many reasons I am thankful for my dad. Granted he may not have won the father of the year but I’m okay with that. My dad had to take on the role of mom when my own mother abandoned the both of us in the middle of the night. He not only raised me (with the help of my grandparents) in the 80’s and 90’s but showed me what it meant to persevere despite his developmental delays, Traumatic Brain Injury (TPI), mental illness and alcoholism. Most importantly, my dad showed me what recovery looked like. He showed that recovery isn’t an easy process but is well worth it. He also taught me that the road to recovery is uniquely individualized to each person.

Secondly, I am thankful for my grandparents for helping my dad raise me. I was not the easiest of children to raise especially when I was a teenager dealing with an eating disorder, mental illness and self-harm issues. My grandparents weren’t perfect but at least I know they tried to the best of their abilities and most importantly they love me with all their heart.

Another person I am thankful for is my fiancé, Junior. I am thankful for Junior for many different reasons. I am extremely thankful that he not only chose to ask me out and date me but asked me to marry him. The reason being is because he knew what he was getting into when we started dating. He knew how difficult it could and can be with my mental illness and that didn’t scare him. I thankful for Junior’s love for me and his encouragement with my recovery.

I have yet another person I am thankful for. This person has played a significant role in my recovery and am forever grateful to her for it. The person is my own therapist, Diana. (Side Note: Diana is a pseudonym to protect her, her family as well as her past, current and future clients.) Diana has been an incredibly formable person for me in my recovery. She has been in my corner, encouraging me, challenged me (when needed), listening to me and most importantly believing me when I tell her stuff that happened to me as a child. Diana has helped me grow as a person since she is a person who believes that recovery is possible despite how differently it looks to each person.

Last but not least I am thankful for my recovery with my mental illness as well as my eating disorders. I am thankful for my recovery because I am able to enjoy my life despite what difficulties I encounter. If I wasn’t in recovery I wouldn’t haven’t been able to get my certification as a Peer Support Specialist much less have my current job as a Consumer Advocate. I also wouldn’t be able to volunteer at the Warm Line or the young adult homeless shelter I just started volunteering at. Being in recovery means that I am now living a life worth living.

A life worth living also means finding out what you enjoy. That what I am going to do now. I am going to go and enjoy this beautiful summer day. I am going to go and eat at my favorite restaurant on the water front. Yes, that means I am ending this blog post for now. Peace out and enjoy your day.

Daily Prompt: Teacher’s Pet

Posted on by Gertie

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Teacher’s Pet.” Tell us about a teacher who had a real impact on your life, either for the better or the worse. How is your life different today because of him or her?

Here I am again, doing another daily prompt. In fact yesterday was the first time I ever used WordPress’s daily prompt and I like having the option of a specific “topic” ready for me to choose from. In fact I’m loving having the option to not only have a daily prompt but having the option to do todays daily prompt or a past daily prompt. Just like the daily prompt I use yesterday, today, I chose a past daily prompt.

It is an extremely difficult choice for me to pick just one teacher who has had an impact on my life because, there isn’t a teacher that I haven’t had who hasn’t made and impact on my life at one time or another. Since all my teachers have had an impact on my life, I have decided to only discuss three teachers in this particular post. Two of the three teachers happen to be two of my most favorite teachers. I have decided to use their real names due to the fact I want to give them all credit for what they have done. I know maybe that may not be a wise choice on my part but they do deserve credit even if what one teacher angers you (like it does me) they all are worthy of credit.

Before I begin telling you about the three teachers who have had the most impact on my life let me tell you a thing or two first. All through my school years I was a main streamed special education student. That means I was in “normal” classes with other kids in my grade with the exception of one subject and sometimes two subjects. The reason being is because at an early age I was diagnosed with not only ADHD but dyslexia and other reading and writing disabilities. The only subject I was not main streamed in was English and on occasion other subjects when needed.

Now that we are on the topic of both Special Education and English, lets talk about my seventh grade Special Ed English teacher, Ms. Phelps. Ms. Phelps wasn’t the best of teachers nor was she one of my favorite teachers. She was not always the most sensitive of people and unfortunately wasn’t afraid to speak her mind especially when it came to hurting a students feelings. Don’t get me wrong, I actually prefer people to speak their minds but when it could harm someone especially a child then its not always exactly the best thing to do. Ms. Phelps was getting fed up with me because she didn’t think I was putting much effort into my homework.  In all actuality, I was spending two hours a day just doing homework for her class alone. I had six other classes that I needed to do homework for (including marching/concert band). I spent three hours doing homework from my other classes and that includes me practicing my flute for an hour for band. I spent more time doing homework for class than my other classes. Since Ms. Phelps didn’t think I was putting much effort into my homework for her class she kept giving me detention which was nothing new for me since I was always in trouble. It was one of those detentions where she spoke her mind and spouted out her anger on me. She told me “You will never graduate high school much less make it through you freshman year of high school. You most likely will drop out your freshman year. You will be a high school drop-out just like your parents.” It was because of what she said is what made me determined to graduate high school and prove her wrong. If it wasn’t for those words echoing through my head, I think I wouldn’t have cared so much about graduating high school as I did. Yes, I did graduate high school and it made me feel good that I not only proved her wrong but I proved myself wrong as well. I still haven’t been able to show her my high school diploma and I’m okay with it because it doesn’t matter so much to me any more.

The next teacher, I’m about to tell you about was one that inspired me to be the best at what I was able to do despite my disabilities and had him throughout my junior high years. For me the junior high I attended was only seventh and eighth grades. Mr. Hahn was my band teacher. He had a sense a humor that related to every kid he taught. Mr. Hahn taught me how to persevere through difficult sections in a specific piece of  music which could be a potential metaphor for life. Mr. Hahn put a great deal of effort into me and helped me improve playing the flute. He taught me various things in regards to the flute as well as being able to use them in life now and not just in regards to playing the flute. Mr. Hahn’s constant encouragement, sense of humor and love for music is why I continued playing the flute through high school even though I wasn’t exactly the best flute player in the world.

This next teacher I am about to tell you about is one who encouraged me to get help for both my eating disorders as well as the depression I was in. Ms. Casey taught me Earth Science my sophomore year of high school and Biology my junior high of high school. She was also the class advisor for my graduating class. She taught me how to love science and that it was more than okay to be a woman who loves science. Not only did she help me get the help I needed for the eating disorders and mental illness, she helped me with my homework for her class(es) as well as other classes. Ms. Casey put the effort into me to make sure that I graduated high school. Ms. Casey was one of those teachers (just like Mr. Hahn) who put in extra hours to make sure all her students succeeded in school and beyond.

If it wasn’t for the above three teachers, I wouldn’t have graduated high school nor been the success I am today. They all taught me the power of determination in their own way and that once you put your mind to something, stay strong and most importantly keep the determination.

I wish I could write more on this particular post especially about Mr. Hahn and Ms. Casey, I am unable to do so because I have to go to work. I love my job and if it wasn’t for all my teachers throughout my life I would have it. Thank you to all the teacher who have taught me. Well, off to work I go. Peace out!!

107 Questions With 107 Answers

Posted on by Gertie

I got the idea for this post from another blog, which I of course follow. Thank you Marci over at http://marcimentalhealthmore.com/  It means a great deal to be able to share ideas (and sometimes even still them with permission of course) with other bloggers. Yes, I did add, change not include some questions so I could make it geared more to my blog. .

1. Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging for two reasons: 1) to educate those who don’t have a mental illness in hope to lessen the stigma that goes along with it. 2) to show others who do struggle with mental illness that recovery is possible and there is hope.

2. How did you come up with the title of your blog?

I came up with the title, Gertie’s Journey because Gertie is my nickname and I would be discussing my journey along the way.

3. Why not use your real name in your title?

I originally didn’t use my real name because of the stigma that goes with having a mental illness. I now don’t use my real name because I work in the mental health field and need to protect my privacy.

4. Does that mean you have a mental illness?

Yes!!

5. What are your diagnoses?

As of right now my diagnoses are Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), PTSD, OCD and ADHD. So, I’m an Alphabet Soup.  At one point in time I was diagnosed  with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I no longer meet the criteria of BPD and consider myself a Recovered Borderline.

6. Do you consider yourself in recovery?

Yup, I do!!!

7. What do you do to stay in recovery?

Most importantly, I make sure I see my therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner (ARNP) on the regular basis. I take my meds as prescribed daily. I make sure I go about my regular routine even if I’m struggling. I exercise on the regular basis.

8. How are you, really?

Overall, I am doing pretty good despite having high anxiety due to PTSD symptoms.

9. How are you feeling right now? What are you thinking about?

Umm….I think I just answered this. If you can’t remember go back to the previous question (as I say sarcastically). I’m thinking about what I’m going to have for dinner. I’m also thinking about working on scrapbooks I’m making for people for their holiday gifts. Yes, I know the holidays are six months away.

10. What is your favorite color?

Purple

11. What is your favorite food?

Mac & Cheese, Strawberries, Mexican Food

12. What is your favorite dessert?

Strawberry short cake and peach cobbler

13. How old are you?

Somewhere between 30 and 39. (Said sarcastically) Honestly, I am in my mid-30’s.

14.  What have you learned today?

I learned about Buddhism and meditation from a book I am reading about Buddhism.

15. What do you do?

I am a Consumer Advocate in a supportive housing program at local mental health agency.

16. What are some of your favorite books?

Enders Game by Orson Scott Card; The Stand by Stephen King and J.A Jance books. I also like many poems by Maya Angelou, Langston Hughes and Emily Dickenson

17. Who are some of your favorite authors?

Orson Scott Card, Stephen King, J.A Jance, Emily Dickenson, Langston Hughes and Maya Angelou

18. What are some of your favorite movies?

BIG, Speed, It’s Kind of a Funny Story, comedies, horror, and many movies Robin Williams is in.

19. Who are some of your favorite actors?

Robin Williams, Winona Ryder, Betty White, and Will Smith

20. What kind of music are you into?

I like 80’s and 90’s music and I also like Punk Rock, Grunge, and alternative.

21. Who are some of your favorite musicians?

Nirvana, Tori Amos, K.D. Lang, Kurt Cobian, Amy Grant, Tears for Fears, Journey, Queen, AC DC, and I can continue on my favorite musicians but wont.

22. If you’re going to write a book, what would it be about?

It would be memoir of my life with a mental illness and my recovery.

23. What’s the scariest thing you have ever done?

I think it would have to be starting my recovery with both the eating disorders and my mental health diagnoses.

24. What accomplishment are you most proud of?

Graduating high school, getting my peer specialist certification and being in recover with my mental illness.

25. How did you meet your fiancé?

I don’t remember meeting my fiancé but will tell you how we met. We first met when I had attempted suicide and one of my housemates found me unresponsive and called 911. He was one of the firefighters on duty who responded to the call.

26. Do you have any children?

Sadly, no

27. Have you thought about fostering or adopting?

Yup, Junior and myself want to do foster care in hope of adopting the foster child/ren.

28. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a teacher.

29. What profession are you currently in?

I am in the mental health field.

30. How did you get into your profession?

I got into the field because I have my own mental health issues and want to be an example of what recovery looks like. Plus, I have a peer specialist certification.

31. Would you recommend your profession to other people? Why / Why not?

Honestly, it depends who the person would be because not everyone is fit to work in the mental health field.

32. What do you do for fun?

Camp, hike, rollerblade, walk, read, blog, watch movies, do jigsaw puzzles, do Sudoku puzzles, scrapbook, go to sporting events especially baseball games, going to concerts, listening to music, hang out with friends and select family members, and volunteer.

33. Do you like traveling?

I love it.

34. If you could visit any country in the world, where would you go and why?

Its a tie between Ireland, Australia and New Zealand. I would like to go to Ireland because I am half Irish and its part of my heritage. I want to go to Australia and New Zealand because I learned about it summer school between the 3rd and 4th grades and grew fascinated with both countries.

35. Who are some people you’d like to meet someday?

President Obama, Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, and Sigmund Freud

36. If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?

Refer to the previous question with the exception of President Obama since he is still alive.

37. If someone asked you to give them a random piece of advice, what would you say?

The future belong to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. Eleanor Roosevelt

38. What’s one of your favorite habits you have?

Going for a daily walk listening to music.

39. What are some things that make you really happy?

Sunny days, humor, my brother, my fiancé, nature, water, and my job

40. What are some things that make you really sad?

My miscarriages, most of my childhood, and how I have treated people in the height of my mental illness.

41. What are some things that scare you?

My PTSD symptoms I deal with on the daily basis. The mental health symptoms I deal with when I’m in crisis.

42. Do you like to plan things out in detail or be spontaneous?

I like both planning things and out and being spontaneous.

43. Are you a religious person?

No but I do consider myself Spiritual. I am on a Spiritual journey and looking into various faiths at this particular stage in my life.

44. Would you rather live in the country or in the city?

I am a city person. I love living in the city.

45. What was your life like growing up?

It wasn’t the best of childhoods.

46. What were you like in high school?

Depends on who you ask.

47. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?

Yes, I do. I have one half brother.

48. What’s your favorite part about today, so far?

The sunny weather, the strawberry shortcake I had and reading about Buddhism.

49. Who in your life has influenced you the most? How did they do it?

I’ve had many people who have influenced my life throughout my life and how those people did it is as unique as they are as people.

50. Have you ever tried sushi? (Did you like it?)

No, I have not tried sushi and never plan on trying it.

51. Do you like spicy food?

The spicier the better!!!!

52. How do you like your steak cooked?

Some pink but not a lot of pink.

53. If you were a type of animal, what would you be and why?

I think I would like to be an Orca because they are beautiful, intelligent animals and they get to be in the water all day.

54. What’s one of the strangest things you’ve ever done?

What are you talking about? Everything I do is strange because I am strange.

55. What kind of vacations do you like?

I love camping and any vacation I can learn something new.

56. What are some of your major goals in life?

To continue on my journey of recovery with mental illness.

57. What are some of your smaller goals in life?

To update my résumé and apply for peer support specialist jobs.

58. What do you like least about yourself?

The scars on my arms, legs and torso due to when I use to self harm.

59. What embarrasses you?

My speech impediment especially the stuttering (Its pretty much under control now but it acts up when I am under stress), being in little kid mode and being in a dissociated state.

60. If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?

Being a psychiatrist.

61. What’s your earliest memory?

When I was three and my mom abandoning me.

62. What’s the best decision you ever made?

Being in recovery and choosing to stay in recovery. Trusting my gut with being in a romantic relationship with my fiancé, Junior.

63. Who’s your best / closest friend?

My fiancé, and three people I grew up with and/or went to high school with.

64. What do you think people think of you?

I don’t want to think what others think of me.

65. What were your grades like in school?

They weren’t the best in the world, mainly because of learning disabilities and/or mental health issues.

66. If you could learn one random skill, what would you learn?

To learn American Sign Language (ASL), Spanish and German.

67. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

I’m a little of both.

68. Have you ever taken a personality test? (How did the results turn out?)

Honestly, I’m not sure because, I’ve I had so many different test throughout my life that they all kind of run together. I must have if I was diagnosed for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I am really grateful I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline.

69. Do you enjoy the particular sexual pose of what the number of this question is?

Very much so!!!!!

70. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

I notice both a persons eyes and smile.

71. Do you think people can control their own destiny?

To a degree, yes.

72. Do you think all people are equally valuable, or do you think some people in certain situations might be more valuable than others (say, a severely mentally ill patient vs. a doctor who could potentially save hundreds of lives)?

Define value!!

73. Do you think people are basically bad or basically good?

This is a difficult question for me to answer due to the fact that there are many factors to consider.

74. Do you think morals are universal or relative to the beliefs, traditions, and practices of individuals or groups?

I think it I need to know more before I could answer this question.

75. Do you think God exists?

Another complicated question. Yes, I do think that there is a spiritual being out there. I just don’t know who he, she or they are.

76. Do you think any kind of afterlife exists?

Yup, I am positive there is an afterlife.

77. Do you vote? Why / Why not? If you do vote, how do you usually vote?

Yes, I vote and I don’t disclose how I vote.

78. Do you think gay people choose to be gay? Do you think straight people choose to be straight?

I don’t think we choose our sexual orientation.

79. Is torture ever a good option? If no, why not? If yes, when?

Torture is NEVER a good option for any reason.

80. Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people?

I would never kill an innocent person.

81. What’s the most money you’ve ever given away?

I rather not disclose. The amount I give away to a charity or person is between me and the charity or person.

82. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve ever made?

Choosing to be in recovery.

83. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

I’ve done many stupid things that I cant just name one thing.

84. What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world?

This is a loaded question and difficult to answer. It is something I will have to ponder about.

85. What do you think we could do to best improve the education system?

Pay teachers more, smaller class sizes and bring back fine and preforming arts.

86. In general, what do you think about art?

I love it.

87. What are some of your favorite websites?

Any website that I am able to learn something on.

88. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?

That my ex-step dad wasn’t abusing me when he actually was.

89. What’s something most people don’t know about you?

I cry myself to sleep because I miss the babies I lost through miscarriages.

90. What’s something you wish everyone knew about you?

I love being able to help others.

91. What are some of the first things you do in the morning?

Go to the bathroom, take a shower, eat and take my meds.

92. What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?

Loosing two sets of twins within 14 months of each other due to miscarriage.

93. Do you cry easily?

No.

94. How do you feel about public speaking?

I hate it.

95. Do you like to talk on the phone?

Its better than texting.

96. How many emails do you get each week, roughly?

Depends what account. I have a work email, a personal email, a professional email and an email for this blog.

97. If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you hope would play you?

I wouldn’t want my life made into a movie so I hope nobody plays me.

98. What’s one of your favorite questions to ask new friends or to get a conversation going?

It depends on the situation I am in.

99. Would you ever sky dive or bungee jump?

I have always wanted to sky dive. When I was younger I wanted to bungee jump but as I get older it becomes less appealing.

100. Have you ever been in a fist fight?

Yup, in junior high.

101. What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled?

My senior prank in high school.

102. What did you do on your 16th birthday?

My friends had a surprise party for me.

103. What do you think is one of the most undervalued professions right now?

Teaching and any profession in the mental health field.

104. How would you explain your basic life philosophy?

When I look back on my life I rather regret the things I do than the things I don’t do.

105. Would you rather be hated or forgotten?

Neither

106. If you knew you would die tomorrow, would you feel cheated today?

I don’t want to know when I am going to die.

107. Now, how do you honestly feel after answering all these questions?

Exhausted but overall still doing well.

Awe-Inspiring Growth Spurts In Recovery

Posted on by Gertie

It’s been a few weeks since my last blog. Unfortunately, not only have I been busy with life, I have had writers block. With much discussion with both supportive and inspiring people in my life, it finally occurred to me on what to write about. The topic I desire to convey to you is growth spurts in respects with continued recovery with mental illness.

Despite some difficulties over the last few months I’ve come to the conclusion that my recovery is constantly changing and evolving. Evolving into who knows what, but whatever it is I know it has to be valuable and beyond what words can describe. It has been my experience that whenever I experience some challenges or difficulties along the way in regards to my recovery, it usually means that I am about to have a growth spurt.

As many of us know from childhood, growth spurts can be quite painful. Growth spurts are usually an awe-inspiring moment once the growth spurt is complete or nearly complete. As my current growth spurt comes to an end (or at least I think it is), I can’t help but think how it has reshaped who I am and what I am to accomplish before the next growth spurt.

Before, I continue let me explain what I consider a growth spurt in regards to recovery or at least to my recovery. A growth spurt to me in my recovery is when I learn something. Something that needs to be learned and sometimes that learning something involves being in a crisis.

Unforantenly, for me the current growth spurt that is finally coming to an end, involved me being in crisis. An intensely painful crisis at that. A crisis that made me acutely aware of who I am and how far I have come in my recovery as well as knowing who is truly in my corner and who I am able to count on.

Knowing who is in my corner and who I am able to count on has helped me a great deal. If it wasn’t for those in my corner, I would have not learned as much as I have during this current growth spurt because they were there for me when I needed them the most (and they still are) when I was (and still am)  grieving  over the loss of miscarry twins. Nothing hurts more than loosing a child or in my case a set of twins.

Acutely aware, that loosing the pregnancy is what put me into a mental health crisis makes it that much more difficult recover from for me. I am also aware that I have I have the skills, the people in my life to help me when necessary and most importantly hope that I did not have in the height of my struggles with the mental illness’s I suffer with.

Over the years, I have come to recognize that regardless of what the cause of a crisis, I can make certain that its a growth spurt that has a positive learning experience attached to it. I have learned a considerably good amount of how others deal (or don’t deal) when someone has a crisis when it involves the loss of a child. Unfortunately, discussing a miscarriage (and still born babies) is quite taboo which makes the grieving process that much more difficult. The one thing that I have learned and still am learning that its not only okay to talk about the miscarriage but to cry over the loss of my children. Yes, I still struggle a great deal with not only the miscarriage I had in January of this year (2015) but the miscarriage I had in November of 2103 however that doesn’t mean I stop living my life.

The living life as I slowly recover from my crisis due to a devastating life event is what is awe-inspiring to me. The reason being is because the farther apart my crisis’s are, the more I realize that I want to be involved with life despite the pain and/or chaos the crisis brings. Having this awe-inspiring moment in my recovery has been a work in process. In fact it’s been years in the making with mounds of difficult yet challenging work and effort on my part (as well as many clinicians doing their part).

If I had not put in so much effort into my recovery with the help of other, I wouldn’t be working at all especially at job I absolutely love. Being a peer support specialist is all about being living proof that recovery is possible. Another way, I am able to show that recovery is possible is volunteering on the Warm Line. My clients at work as well the callers on the Warm Line inspire me a great deal. They inspire me to keep going  and continue with my recovery even though they are unaware of it.

I am beyond grateful for having this awe-inspiring growth spurt in my recovery and being able to share it with you fine folks out there in this wonderful world of ours. Thank you so much for allowing be share my recovery with you. I’m going to call it a night a spend some time with my wonderful partner, Junior. Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace Out!!!

Mental Illness, Miscarriage and Recovery

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Friday!!! It’s the start of another weekend and not just any weekend; Superbowl weekend. Like many other people in America, Junior and myself are preparing to watch the Superbowl with friends. In fact we are hosting a Superbowl party. As stressful it is to prepare for such an event, I am looking forward both preparing for it and being a part of the party.

I am looking forward to it, not only because the Seattle Seahawks are going back to the Superbowl but because it is going to be an enormous distraction for both Junior and I. It’s going to be a distraction because, I miscarried. It’s been a rough couple of weeks for both Junior and myself. We were looking forward to becoming parents. We were really hopeful that I would carry to term this pregnancy because I had made it to 20 week mark and ended up miscarrying at 20 1/2 weeks. The reason why Junior and I thought I was in the clear was because I miscarried another set of twins at 19 weeks and were told that once I hit the 20 week mark that the risk of miscarriage goes down substantially. Loosing a child is the greatest pain a person can endure. I know this because, I’ve lost children through miscarriage and have dealt with some severe childhood trauma.

Grieving is not an easy thing to do especially when it comes to loosing a child however it is something I will be able to work through with the help of others. Asking help from others is not an easy thing for me to do, however it is a sign that I am in recovery. I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn’t struggling with the miscarriage because I am struggling with my miscarriage big time. Suicide has even crossed my mind the last couple a weeks. Don’t worry I am NOT going to attempt or commit suicide because I have too much to live for plus I have the skills and support that I need to help me through this pain. Part of my recovery is letting people who love and care about me, help me through this difficult time of my life.

Recovery looks differently to everybody and part of my recovery is this blog. Blogging about the miscarriage is a difficult thing to do. I think miscarriage, just like mental illness is something that people don’t really discuss. I am not really sure why people don’t discuss miscarriages but I know why people don’t discuss mental illness. Mental illness has a lot of shame and stigma attached  to it. It is for that shame and stigma with mental illness is why I share myself with you all (and try to educate). If I wasn’t in recovery, I really don’t think I would be able to keep myself safe from self-harm or suicide in dealing with the miscarriage. It is because of my recovery I am able to be doing as well as I am after loosing a set of twins due to miscarriage.

I was hoping that I would be able to blog more however it is getting a little difficult for me to do so at the moment. I need to go and allow myself to grieve. I hope to be able to blog sometime on Superbowl Sunday. Have good weekend everyone. Peace out and GO SEAHAWKS!!!

Happy New Year!!!

Posted on by Gertie

Happy New Year!!! 2015 is going to be another great year. I know at this point of year I don’t know what it will bring however I am expecting that it will be a great year despite the potential of possible struggles. The coming year will a year of many changes for me.

The changes for me in the coming year are both exciting and overwhelming. I am going to become a mama of twins in late May according to my due date. I am also getting married in August. (FYI: The wedding was already in the works of being planned before pregnancy.) Becoming a mama and a wife in the same year is a pretty major deal. I am ecstatic about becoming a mama and a wife. I would be lying to you if I told you that I wasn’t a little scared of all these changes because I am. In fact I am scared as hell. I have learned throughout the years that good changes can be overwhelming and I am fine with that.

It being the New Year, many people make resolutions. I don’t make resolutions, however I do make goals for the New Year. This year some of my goals are obvious, like give birth and get married. My other goals aren’t so obvious. My other not so obvious goals a simple and attainable yet have some difficulty to them or they wouldn’t be goals. My goals for this year are: 1) Do a daily Sudoku puzzle 2) Read 12 books (I read 11 last year. No I’m not including children’s books I am going to be reading to my children.) 3) Walk 3 miles a day by the end of the year (I currently walk 2 miles a day)  4) Get my flute repaired 5) Start taking flute lessons again (I was in the high school band and really enjoyed playing the flute. No I did not forget to play. I just want a refresher.) I know my goals seem simple but they are something I want to be able to attain by the end of the year. I am well aware that some of my goals may be a little more difficult to attain due to the fact that I am going to be a new mama and wife however I do think I will be able to accomplish them.

I also hope to accomplish this coming year is to continue to advocate for those who struggle with mental illness as well as educate those who do not struggle with one. One way I plan on doing this is to continue blogging. I am aware that one way to educate others is through my blog and I need to build my blog following to be able to do so. I also need to post more educational material on my blog. The reason why my blog is not one of my goals is because it is an easy thing to do and has no difficulty to it. That’s unless count trying to attain my follower however that is beyond my control. I know ways to try to get more followers and I plan on doing that however ultimately its not my decision to have someone follow my blog.  For me blogging is way to educate and advocate for those who have a mental illness. It is also a way to show those who struggle with a mental illness that there is hope and recovery is possible.

Part of my recovery is to make sure I take care of myself. One way I take care of myself is to make sure I eat. Well, I need to go and eat. Not because I am hungry, which I am but because I need to take care of myself and my babies. I am going to sign of for now so I can go eat. Have an awesome 2015. Happy New Year and peace out!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

Posted on by Gertie

Merry Christmas!!! I hope everyone out there in the world who celebrates Christmas had a good holiday. Despite the typical family drama on both sides of my family it went fairly well. Time with Jr.’s family went well like always.

Jr. and I are in a hotel room in the town my mother and a brother live in. In fact it feels nice to have a small get away for a couple of days. Jr. and I are going to be spending some much quality time with each other the next couple of days. Our hotel room is looking over the lake and I am loving it. As I am blogging Jr. is taking a much need nap because the both of us have a long couple of days due to the Christmas holiday.

I cant help but think that next year and this time, Jr. and myself are going to have our hands full with two precious little babies. Jr. and I have been thinking on what types of Christmas traditions we want as a family. Of course many of our traditions seemed to be more geared toward when our little ones are older and I think its a good thing to plan for such traditions. Yes, we both are well aware that they will change as the kids grow older and we get to know what their personalities are like.

I am so excited that I am going to be a mama. Feeling my babies kick in my belly is the most amazing feeling in the world. Knowing that I am going to be a mama is an exciting event yet extremely overwhelming at the same time. Jr. is just as excited about becoming a papa as I am becoming a mama. He reads to my belly everyday so he can feel a connection to our children. Connection to our children is extremely important to both Jr. and myself because of the horrific past that I had as a child.

When I was a child I was severely and horrifically abused by my little brother’s father. Unfortunately, the abuse started at Christmas time and in fact was the worst at Christmas time. Christmas time is quite difficult for me due to the abuse however the holidays are slowly getting better as time goes on due to the fact of me working on the pain of the abuse in therapy. I am grateful that I have an awesome therapist that has helped me learn how to deal with the pain. I am also grateful to Jr. and my other natural supports for helping me when times get tough especially around the holidays.

The holiday season may not be easy for me however I realize that it is not easy for many people including those who do not struggle with a mental illness. I’m one of those people that wishes that the holidays were not such a difficult time for many people out there.

One thing that I do every year to make sure my holidays are good one is to read the comic books Christmas With The Superhero’s Volume One and Two.  I also watch A Charlie Brown Christmas as well as Polar Express. I do want I need to do to keep myself healthy and to build positive Christmas memories. Not only that I hope that when my twins are born that I and Jr. will give the positive and happy Christmas memories.

Well, I am going to let you all go for now so you all can have good positive Christmas memories. Not only that I want to give Jr. a good memory by being intimate with him. Peace out and Merry Christmas!!!

6 Years Of Progress Which Equals Success

Posted on by Gertie

Today, marks six years since my therapist Diana and I had our first session. Working with Diana the last six years have been tough because we worked on some tough shit. Shit that has needed to be dealt with and that continues to be dealt with. Its been a long difficult process for both myself and Diana.

When Diana started working at the community mental health agency I receive my services at she was freshly out grad and I wasn’t the easiest client to deal with. Despite Diana already being familiar with me due to her being an intern at the agency before getting hired on after graduating from grad school and me graduating from an intensive two year outpatient DBT program at different mental health agency, I still pushed the boundaries of our clinical relationship. Diana held her ground no matter how much I tried to push.

No matter how hard I pushed, Diana vowed to never give up on me. When I realized that Diana wasn’t going to give up on me, that’s when I realized I could open up to her with my deepest darkest secrets. Those deep dark secrets were due to some pretty traumatic events that I suffered as a child. Those secrets were and still full of pain. Pain that I have trusted Diana to see as well as to help me through. Allowing Diana to help me through the pain has allowed me to start to trust others in my life.

Being able to not only trust Diana but other people in my life has helped a great deal in my life. It has helped not only to not walk of the job at my previous employer but helped me realize what I wanted to do career wise. In fact I got motivated to get my peer certification and my current employment at mental health agency as consumer aide.  See, being able to trust people in my life I would have not been able to do the above mention with the career stuff. Most importantly, me being able to trust other people has help me be able to depend more on them (my natural support system) than my therapist, Diana and other professionals. If it weren’t for me trusting my natural support system, I would not have started dating Jr. In fact I would still just be friend with Jr. due to trust issue. Trusting Jr. enough to date him is amazing.

Amazing because, I was and am able to be intimate with him. For someone who has endured such a horrific childhood being intimate is difficult. Difficult for not only me but for Jr. as well. Its difficult for Jr. because he feels like it is his fault for the PTSD when my symptoms act up in the middle of intimate moments. If it wasn’t for those intimate moments with Jr. I would not be in the “delicate condition” I am in. If you have been reading my blog on the regular basis you know that I am pregnant with twins. It is an amazing feeling knowing that you are going to be a parent with person you love with all your heart. Even more amazing is being able to trust that person, knowing that he won’t harm you or your children. I know Jr. will be an awesome papa to his son and daughter. Yes, that means I am having one of each. Jr. is gloating over being a papa as well as gloating over me and how I am the mama of his children.

If it wasn’t for Diana, I wouldn’t be able to gloat over being a mama to be because I would have been able to trust Jr. enough to even date him much less be intimate with him. Diana has helped me great deal in many ways. No, Diana is NOT a sex therapist however if it wasn’t for her determination for NOT giving up on me I would have not been able to trust someone to be intimate with. Diana has help me gain self confidence as well helped me find what a life worth living means to me. Most importantly, Diana is the one who helped me to no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and become what I like to say a Recovered Borderline. So, what I am saying is Thank You to Diana, my therapist for helping me. If it wasn’t for all the progress the last six years that you helped me with, I would not be a success. I know Diana may not read my blog because she is a busy lady however I still wanted to thank her.

Well, I am done with this blog for now. I just wanted to let you know how much progress I have had because of Diana. Have a great evening. Enjoy the rest of you week. Peace out!!

(SIDE NOTE: Diana is a pseudonym for my therapist protection as well the protection for her past, current and future clients.)

A Child’s Christmas Wish; William’s Mail

Posted on by Gertie

As, a mama to be I know a mother’s love for her child (or children in my case since I am having twins) starts the moment when one finds out they are pregnant. Another thing I have come to realize is that I will do just about anything to make my children’s lives as happy and enjoyable as possible and protect them to the best of my ability. So, when I saw a news story on a local news station about a mom wanting to fulfill her 12 year old Autistic son, Williams Christmas wish I knew I had to help spread the word. All, William wants for Christmas is mail. I meant to blog about this earlier but life got busy. (Side Note: Links to the Facebook and Twitter accounts as well as the address is at the end of the this particular post.) The following is a letter that William’s mother wrote on a Facebook account she set up to make her sons Christmas wish come true:

Williams Mail

I have never done, or asked anything like this before, but I felt the need to. That need that comes from being a mom and wanting to do everything in your power to make your child happy. It seems like such a small thing but it is the few things that drive a mothers soul. The need to protect and the need to bring joy to your kids faces.

My son, William is 12 years old. He is an amazing kid. He rarely asks for much. He is full of love, joy and happiness. William is smart, funny and awesome. William also has Autism (severe) and is also non verbal. (he can not talk). During Christmas time (his absolute favorite time of the year) he always asks me for the things he wants, and they are always the same. He wants Mr.Sketch Markers, Copy Paper, Lays Regular Chips, and whatever Blu Ray is on his mind for his collection. (His “thing” is movies). He is the easiest and hardest to shop for. I am always looking for new things to add to the list but he usually is not interested and just wants what he wants

This is where my request comes in. This year he asked for something new! I almost fell over when he added it to the box (his Christmas wish list box) and the new item is……….. MAIL! Mail. Mail. He LOVES getting mail. Half of our family lives in Northern Canada and the other half lives in Southern USA so he gets mail from family a couple times a year. I always knew he loved getting his mail but when he asked for it, I cried. I actually sat here and cried. Both happy and sad tears. Happy because he was expressing his wants and sad because of how I was going to figure out how to get him what he wants. He is such an amazing kid and he rarely wants for anything, I really want to make something special for him.

Let me tell you why I was sad. William has never had people come to his birthdays or has he been invited to any. No one asks William to come over for playdates or sleep overs. There are a small handful of kids in his class with needs of their own so I understand why. It is not anyone’s fault, it just is what it is. My family lives 1000 miles in one direction and my kids other family (fathers side) lives 1000 miles in the other so there is no family here for us. My teenage daughter is always out, socializing, hanging with friends and sometimes it just breaks my heart. I wish William had that too, but life has other plans for this amazing kid.

Many people assume since he can not talk that he does not understand. Well, let me tell you, this kid understands. He understands a lot. He understands too much. He just can not communicate the way we do, but he is sharp as a tack. He feels love and affection and I think he finds mail from others as affection. He carries around the last box that was sent to him. He covets the post cards. He wants me to read mail to him (even though he is an excellent reader) he wants to send mail. He LOVES mail and asks me for it now (the past couple weeks) multiple times a day. He writes MAIL on his drawings, he brings me the key to check the mail. I think he truly appreciate mail.

Now to my request. I have been racking my brains for a couple weeks. I want to make this year special for this most special boy. He has nothing but love in him and I want him to feel the love from others. If you want to help a kind soul this year, I am asking for strangers to send him mail. I want him to know the world loves and values him in a way that he understands and feels. I have been buying stamps and have been “creating” mail for Christmas. I have enlisted my small family (there is only a handful) to send mail to him for Christmas. I was hoping someone out there would want to sit down and send mail to William. He deserves to feel the love from the world like the rest of us do because he makes this world a better place. He deserves all the mail in the world according to me , but I am his mommy so I am bias.

I know, it may seem strange to ask strangers for mail but this is the only way I can think of to fulfill my sons Christmas wish. I am starting a page, and if people write letters to him on it, I will print the letters off and turn them into mail. If you feel inclined to send this amazing kid a piece of mail, I will save it until Christmas morning and when he wakes up, he will wake up to his beloved mail.

He loves his mail so much that his weekly treat is to visit the Post Office so he can get a Mail Box (a priority mail box) and when we get home he wants me to put Mail in it (usually just one of his BluRays) and he gets so happy to open it. He also carries around this Christmas USPS flier thingy they sent out a while ago with their Christmas stamps.

Please take the time to consider my request. It would mean the world to a very special young boy whose only real wish this year is to open MAIL It would mean the world to this Momma , William and his big sister Victoria too, we just want to make it a very special Christmas for a very special boy

https://www.facebook.com/pag…/Williams-Mail/1575623412666921

If you would like to learn more about what to write or what William likes to talk about please read this link. https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=1576474325915163&id=1575623412666921

Twitter @mail4william
‪#‎mail4william‬

Williams Mail
PMB# 175
816 Peace Portal Dr.
Blaine, Washington
98230
USA

I Would Have Laughed In Your Face & Told You………

Posted on by Gertie

It’s difficult to wrap my mind around that it is the First Day of December. That means that we only have one more month left of 2014. Where has the year gone?

I may not know where this year has gone but I do know how fast it has gone by. This year has taught me a great deal about myself and how much strength I actually have. It also has taught me how persistent I am and how much I really do know how to persevere. It has been an amazing year despite the deep sorrow I had at the beginning of the year that I am still dealing with. I am grateful for all the things I have endured this year, both the good, the bad and the ugly.

In fact the last two years (2013 and 2104), have been the best two years of my life thus far. If you would have told me back on December 1, 2012, what my life was going to be like the next two years, I would have honestly laughed in your face and told you that you belong in a state hospital. My life has had an amazing turn of events the last two years.

Lets start with last year, 2013. 2013 started like any other year, with me wondering what the year was going to bring. Little did I know what 2013 was going to bring. In April of 2013 I trusted my gut and started dating my boyfriend Jr. July was a pretty a pretty big month for me. July was the first time I had sexual intercourse willingly. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe that someone in their mid-thirties having sex for the first time willingly however I was afraid of sex due to severe childhood trauma and never trusted anyone to have sex with till I met Jr. July was also the month I took the week long 40 hour peer specialist/counselor training so I could be able to take the exam and become certified. I also found out that July that I was pregnant with my first set of twins. Last but not least, July was the month my therapist, Diana, told me that I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). August was a month full different emotions. I was getting use the idea of being pregnant with twins while studying for the peer specialist/counseling exam at the end of August. August was also the month a dear childhood friend of mine died at the age of 31 from an aggressive form of ovarian cancer. That was difficult for me especially since I couldn’t get time off from my previous employer to attend her funeral. September brought good news despite grieving over the death of a friend. That good news was I passed my peer specialist/counseling exam. I passed it with a 92% and needed an 80% to pass. I was beyond thrilled that passed in the 90’s. November was an extremely sad time for both myself and Jr. I miscarried twins at 19 weeks. In fact I miscarried while my own therapist had only been on maternity leave for two weeks. Yes, I was seeing a temporary therapist at the time however its not the same as your own therapist.  Needless to say the rest of 2013 was spent in grief of not only my childhood friend but the twins I had lost. Despite the loss’s I had in 2013, it was still an amazing year. A year I never thought would happen. I never thought I would be far along in recovery to become certified as peer specialist/counselor much less have a loving boyfriend that I was (and still am) intimate with and madly in love with. 2013 was a year I could say was full of recovery.

As you can imagine 2014 started out with some difficulty. In fact I held a great deal of my pain in, till my therapist got back from maternity leave in February. Once, Diana got back from maternity leave it took me a few more months to allow myself to grieve over the loss of the twins. I finally broke down in April of 2014 and ended up cutting myself on two different occasions. I cut myself because the pain of miscarrying was just way too much for me. Both times I ended up in the E.R to get the cuts checked out as well as be evaluated for my mental illness. Thankfully, I was able to convince the social workers and doctors that I didn’t need hospitalization.  See, in the past I would have taken the opportunity to be hospitalized for mental health issues even though the reason why I cut was due to grief. To me that’s a major step in my recovery. Part of the reason why I fought so hard to stay out of the hospital was because I was waiting to hear back from two potential employers to get a job as a peer. I didn’t get either job I had an interview for in April however, May turned out to be pretty good.  I found out that I would be able to take the training in August to be a call taker at the Warm Line. June and July of this year I had two more interviews for a peer specialist/counseling job which again I didn’t get either job. August was bumpy. At the beginning of August I ended up in the E.R again due to cutting over the grief of miscarrying twins. Thankfully, I wasn’t hospitalized because if I was, I wouldn’t have been able to continue you with the Warm Line training much less become a call taker in September. August was also the month I had an interview for as well as found out that I got my current job. It was also the month I put in my two weeks notices at my previous employer. The ending of August and the beginning of September were quite difficult because I thought I was going to loose my father. I had to make the decision to put him on life support and a tracheotomy which saved his life. He is no longer on life support and he got his trachea out. September was when I ended my previous employment and started my current employment as a Consumer Aide at a local mental health agency. I also started being a call taker at the Warm Line. In fact at the end of September I found out I was not only pregnant again but pregnant with twins. October was a month of adjustment for me. I was getting adjusted to not only a new job and volunteer job but another pregnancy.  November 1st marked three years since I was last discharged from an inpatient psych ward. I never would have thought I would be out three years. I guess that means that as of today I have been out three years and one month. This is the longest I have been out of the hospital for psych reasons. Now you can see why the last two years have been amazing despite all its difficulties.

I honestly would have never thought I could fall in love with the most amazing man much less be able to trust him to have sex with him. I never thought possible that I would ever be a recovered Borderline cause I was so severely Borderline. I also never thought I would be out of a psych ward for more than three years. That is why I said that I would have laughed in your face and told you that you belong in the state hospital. Recovery is a choice. I chose to convince the social workers and doctors in the E.R to not admit to a psych ward. I chose to pick myself up and wipe myself off due to all the loss I have dealt with. For me, dealing with my problems head on including the symptoms of my mental illness is key to my recovery.

Well, I think this blog entry is long enough. I think you get the idea what I’m trying to convey; that recovery is well worth it despite bumps in the road. I love my life and everything that come with it and yes that even means the pain. I may not like dealing with pain but I rather be able to deal with it like a “normal” person than be stuck in and out of hospitals due to psych reasons.

I really need to get going now. I hope to blog again in the next day or two. Have a good night all. Peace out!!