Tag Archives: Hospital

Valentines Day In The Hospital

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Valentines Day!!! It is not such a Happy Valentines Day for me because I am on an inpatient psych unit. I have been in the psych ward for a week today. It is not easy being back in especially since I have been out of one for nearly three and a half years.

Yes, it may have been three years three months and one week since I was last discharged from one when I was admitted this current time however it is a much needed hospitalization. I started feeling very unstable and extremely suicidal. In fact if my fiancé hadn’t been around I probably would have cut myself. I am emotionally beating myself up for being back in the hospital because I thought I was “stronger” than I am at the moment. In fact I’m in the hospital because of the miscarriage I had back in January.

I didn’t realize that the miscarriage effected me as much as it did. I was too busy making sure Junior was doing okay with the miscarriage that I wasn’t focusing on me. Junior realized that I wasn’t doing so well and encouraged me to go to the Emergency Room (ER). I agreed to go to the Emergency Room (ER), so Junior took me to get evaluated. He sat with me till I got admitted. Thankfully, I was admitted to the hospital that helps me the best.

I am starting to feel a little better and am using the opportunity of the hospital to my advantages. I am going to every group I am to attends. I am also watching different types of video’s or DVD’s in my spare time to learn as much as I can. I figure that if the tax payers (which includes me) are paying for my hospital stay I might as well as take advantage of it. My insurance is federally and state funded. I don’t work enough hours to get insurance from my employer and that is okay for me.

My employer is pretty cool with me being her. They understand that me being in the hospital is what is best for me and my clients. My boss is extremely laid back is happy that I am seeking the help that I need and that I am setting a good example for my clients. I really miss my job as well as my clients.

The cool thing is that my boss came and visited me as well as two of my co-workers. My fiancé came and saw me today. He got me a single purple rose. It means the world to me that he has been visiting me. Tomorrow my friend Susan (who writes the blog bravelybipolar.wordpress.com) is coming to visit me.  I have an awesome support network.

I should get going. Have a good rest of Valentines Day everyone. Peace out and don’t let the bed bugs bite.

It’s Been A Long Week

Posted on by Gertie

     Well, it’s a rainy Tuesday evening and the rain seems to fit how I am feeling at the moment. I haven’t blogged in a while because my dad is on the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) on life support. My family and I have been informed that we might have to stop life support or put him on a tracheostomy which is another form of life support. Unfortunately, my dad does not have a power of attorney nor is he married. That means by proxy I am the legal next of kin. It’s been quite difficult on me but more difficult on my grandparents. I just don’t want my dad to be suffering. I really want a miracle so my family and I don’t have to make such a difficult decision. The doctors say we have about a week to make the decision.

     I know my dad would want me to go about my normal day tomorrow. I see my therapist then I go to my last shift at the homeless shelter. After my last shift at the homeless shelter I go to my first shift at the warm line. I know without a doubt that my dad would be approving of my decision of going about my day. I also know that my grandparents are in town and if any turns for the worst they will notify me. My grandparents are supportive in my decision. I just wish it wasn’t such a difficult one considering the condition my father.

     I love my daddy so much. I just wish a miracle would happen. I would like you my readers and followers to pray for him or send out positive energies or vibes. I am not sure when I will be able to blog next considering my dad’s heath condition. Peace out and have a good evening.

Struggling A Little Bit

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s another Thursday and I have been struggling a bit for about a week or two now. I didn’t realize how badly I was struggling till this past Monday (8/11/2014) when I dissociated. The unfortunate part of the dissociated state it that I ended up cutting. I am so disappointed that I cut. I hadn’t cut in three years. When I started coming out of the dissociated state and realized what I had done, I freaked out and called 911. Of course the fire department came and checked me out and then I was taken to the emergency room.

      My experience in the emergency room wasn’t the best I have had in the 14 years I have been going to this particular ER for both psych and medical reasons. On the positive side both of the physicians were caring and sincere in wanting to help me. It was both the nurse and the social worker that didn’t make my experience all that great. The nurse was just negative with me the entire night. She told me that I needed to get my act together and that if it wasn’t for the HIPPA law that she would tell my boss’s about what happened. (Side note: The nurse shops at the grocery store I work at on the regular basis). When the social worker finally talked to me her demeanor was as if she didn’t want to be at work or got the short straw to talk to me. I told the social worker what the nurse said and the social worker told me that the nurse would never say that and I that I was being “hostile.” The question I have is how can I be hostile if I am sitting on the floor in a corner of the room with a blanket around me and sucking my thumb holding a stuffed animal. If that’s “hostile” then I would hate to think what her (the social workers) point of view is on violent behavior. The social worker then had the guts to tell me that she didn’t believe me that I dissociated. As she told me this one of the doctors came in to check on me and well he didn’t seem too happy with the social worker at the moment. The doctor asked how I was doing and I said I was doing better (which I was) and then said that he believed me. This doctor has treated me before and knows that I dissociate. Well, to make a long story short the doctor talked to the social work who in return said, I’m only apologizing because I was asked to. I really don’t like it when people are forced to apologize to me or others when they don’t mean it but am grateful that doctor cared enough to talk to her. His heart was in the right place. Thankfully, I wasn’t hospitalized. I was sent home.

    For me being sent home was a good thing. It means that I am far enough in my recovery process that I can continue to do what I need to do in my everyday life. For me going on with my life is what I need to do. That means continue going to my volunteer training at the Warm Line as well as going  to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. That also mean I will go to work tomorrow as well as on Saturday and any shifts I have next week. For me if I wasn’t in recovery I wouldn’t have bothered going to the Warm Line training this past Tuesday as well as my listening shift last night nor would have I gone to my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. I consider this episode as a relapse. I am picking up where I left off before I dissociated and harmed myself. Another thing I am waiting on is my therapist to call me back. She was sick on Tuesday and doesn’t work on Wednesdays and hoping she is back in the office today. If she is still out today I will just see her at my regularly scheduled appointment. As much as I am beating myself up over what happened I have to get up and dust myself up and make the choice to continue my recovery process.

     I debated whether or not to share this with you because I didn’t want to trigger anyone nor did I want to worry anyone. I decided to blog about after I discussed it with my natural support system and they said it would be a good idea because it will show that I am human (which I am) and that I can pick up with my life even though its a little difficult at the moment. Yes, I know I blogged on Tuesday but I didn’t have my mind wrapped around what happen the night before and needed some space before I blogged about it. Now there is enough space and decided blog about what happened with the encouragement from the people who care about me. I am hoping that me blogging about this shows that people with mental illness can work through there issues as they continue with their everyday life. For me to continue with my everyday life is key to my recovery. It is my hope that this blog entry can show others struggling with mental illness that recovery is possible even if you relapse and that hope is out even if you relapse. I am worried about what my therapist is going to say on Monday but I will deal with that when it comes. As much as I don’t like my job I am looking forward to work tomorrow. I am grateful that I am able to work. Continuing to go on with my everyday life is something I’ve learned to do to not go farther backwards.

     Speaking of continuing with everyday life I need to get going. I need to eat and get my work clothes ready for tomorrow before I go to my volunteer training at the Warm Line. Have a good rest of your Thursday. I hope I didn’t trigger or worry anyone. Peace out!!

1,000 Days

Posted on by Gertie

     Happy Monday, Everyone!!! Today, marks 1,000 days since I was last discharged from a inpatient psych unit. Hence, the reason why I titled this blog entry 1,000 Days. For me 1,000 days is a major accomplishment. This is the longest that I have been out of the hospital for psych reasons since I was a teenager. Being out of the hospital for 1,000 days just shows on how much I have accomplished in my recovery and of course I had many people who have helped with this process.

     I guess if I really look back my recovery process started back in 1999. Yes, my recovery process started 15 years ago. I may have not been in recovery with my mental health for 15 years but I have been in recovery from the eating disorders for that long. In my late teens and early twenties I considered myself a Christian. In fact I was highly involved in the Christian community. I share this with you because its part of my story of how I am in recovery with both Anorexia and Bulimia. Being active in the church I was attending and being a huge “Christian” music fan at the time, I had heard of this place called Mercy Ministries. Mercy Ministries is a place for “troubled young women” with all sorts of issues including eating disorders. The thing that drew me to Mercy Ministries at the time was that it is Christian and free. At the time it was the best choice I made. In fact to this day I don’t regret making the decision to go all the way to Nashville from the West Coast of the United States. I did graduate from Mercy Ministries and it is one of the greatest accomplishments in my life. I as a thirty-something may not consider myself as Christian anymore and am happy that as a twenty-something Christian, I made one of the best decisions in my life. I may not agree that I was healed from Anorexia and Bulimia but I do believe that because of Mercy Ministries I am in recovery from both eating disorders. I haven’t had any relapses with either eating disorder but I do struggle on occasion with the urges of the eating disorders. I believe that both eating disorders are a life long struggle and it is a choice I make to give in to those urges or not. I choose to not give in to those urges.

     Now that you know where I my recovery started or at least with the eating disorders, now let me tell you about my mental health recovery. My mental health recovery is much more of a rollercoaster ride than my eating disorder recovery. My mental health recovery started October 2003 when I entered an intensive two year out patient Dialectical Behavior (DBT) program. At the time I entered the  DBT program I had been in and out of inpatient psych wards and hospitals more than 40 times. That’s more times than my current age. While being in the DBT program I was required to get a job which I am beyond grateful that I was required to do. In fact the job was a requirement for the second year of the DBT program I was in. If it wasn’t a requirement for me to get job I wouldn’t haven’t gotten a job and I am forever grateful that it was a requirement because I have been employed with same employer now for 9 years. The two years I was the program I only ended up in an inpatient unit once. I graduated from both years of the DBT program (first and second years).

      After I graduated from the DBT program in November 2005 I decided to go back to the current mental health agency I seek services at. Since going back to the current mental health agency in February of 2006, I have had a high turn over of clinicians and many more hospitalizations. In fact if it wasn’t for my last clinician switching to a different team in the agency, I wouldn’t have gotten my current therapist. I have had my current therapist since December of 2008. In fact Diana is the therapist I have had the longest in all the years I have been in therapy. Diana has helped me a great deal in the last 5 1/2 years. In fact if it wasn’t for  Diana helping me through the pain I have struggled with and still struggle with I wouldn’t have been able to stay out of the hospital for 1,000 days. Diana is one of many people who have helped me in the last 11 years. 

     Over last the last 11  or so years of mental health recovery I have found out a lot about myself. For instance when I was in DBT I realized that I am passionate about politics and got involved with it. I stopped for a long while when I started working and now I am wanting to get back into it. I also realized with one clinician I had that I am bi-sexual. I thank the universe that I figured out I was bi. Yes, my boyfriend know I am bi. I have also realized how much I love music and collecting comic books. I love Wonder Woman comic books. I got into collecting comic books. I am not only collecting Wonder Woman but Batman, Superman, Spiderman, and X Men. When I was in the height of my mental illness I stopped playing the flute and decided about 2 years ago to pick it back up and to start teaching myself to play the harmonica again. I also realized that I not only love rap and alternative music but country music as well. I also enjoy jazz. I also realized that I really enjoy reading and that I love reading Classic Literature. I tend to read memoirs and autobiographies of those who struggle or have struggled with mental  illness. I also enjoy reading mysteries, horror, sci fi and fantasy. I am telling you all this because when you are struggling with a mental illness you don’t realize what you like or enjoy and if you do know what you like or enjoy you forget about it because mental illness sucks the life out of you. One of the most important things I’ve learned is to educate myself about my particular diagnosis as well as the latest research regarding mental illness, therapies and meds. Another major thing I have learned or come to realize is to depend on my natural support system.

     Speaking of my natural support system they are throwing me a barbeque because of being out of the hospital for 1,000 days. They know its a big deal for me. I just wish they weren’t making it out to be a bigger deal than it really is. This small barbeque is turning out to be a party. I just wanted it to be about 12 or so people. Apparently there are more than twenty people coming because they want to celebrate my success of 1,000 days. I know its a big deal but I wish they weren’t making it out to be a big deal.

     I better get going. I need to get ready for the barbeque. I am suppose to be there at 5:30(pacific time) and its now 4:22pm. I should get going and allow my support system to celebrate this day with me. Peace Out Everyone!!

Last Day Of Vacation

Posted on by Gertie

     Its an absolutely beautiful day in the neighborhood. I spent this Sunday afternoon at a baseball game with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I saw a lot of his co-workers there its always good to see people I consider family even if they are not blood. I love baseball even if the team I am rooting for looses. I had a blast like I do every time I go to a baseball game. I of course had my hot dog, Pepsi, slice of pizza, and garlic fries like I do at every game I attend. You would think that I would be full after all that food but I wasn’t.

     Apparently, I had enough room in my stomach of mine to have a steak at a barbeque I went to with my boyfriend after the baseball game. The barbeque was at one of my boyfriends co-workers place who happens to have a swimming pool. In fact this particular co-worker of my boyfriends is the person I consider to be my second mom or my other mother. She more of a mom to me than my own mom has ever been to me. So I of course ate the steak and had more food which include corn on the cob, potato salad, 3 pieces of chocolate cake and more Pepsi. It being a nice beautiful sunny warm summer day out, I of course went swimming. I love swimming and according to my boyfriend and our friends I should have been born a fish. Hell, that’s nothing new to me; I was told that all the time when I was growing up.  I enjoy myself even if I was acting like a kid (and a fish) for while.

    I think its okay to act like a kid every once in while especially since I have to go back to work tomorrow and start acting like an adult again. Today is my last day of vacation and I had an absolute blast today. In fact I enjoyed this entire vacation. I have to say that the best part of my vacation was spending time with my little brother. I really don’t want to go back to work tomorrow but its a reality I have to deal with. In fact its a reality a lot of have us have to deal with. I am hoping that I wont have to work at my current employer for much longer.

     The reason why I am hoping to not be working at my current employer much longer is because I have a job interview this Wednesday. I am really hoping I get the job I am interviewing for because nine years working at a grocery store is just getting to be too much for me. I am grateful for my current employer and being employed at the grocery store has helped a great deal with my recovery process.

      My recovery process has been a journey. That journey has not been easy. In fact today marks 999 days since I was last discharged from a psych ward. This is the longest I have been out of an inpatient unit or hospital regarding the mental illness I struggled with since forever and a day. The first time I was hospitalized for psych reasons I was only a teenager so 999 days out of the hospital is a good thing. I will be blogging more about my recovery process and being out of the hospital for so long tomorrow.

       Speaking of tomorrow I need to get going and make sure I have everything ready to go to work for tomorrow. I don’t even know if that last sentence made sense. Anyway, I will blog again tomorrow and I will be blogging about my recovery process. I hope you all enjoy the rest of your Sunday. Peace out!!!

A Blog Before Bed

Posted on by Gertie

     Well, I’m going to try to make this blog a short one since it’s 11:39pm (pacific time) on a Tuesday night. My dad was able to go home from the Emergency Room after having a seizure. I am so glad he was able to go home. He doesn’t do well in hospital. His doctors at the hospital were great as well as the nurses. My dad of course flirted with the nurses and it embarrassed the hell out of me.

     I of course updated my blog a few hours ago to let you all know about my dad while waiting in the E.R. with him. I also did a lot of reading. I read The Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens as well as some Wonder Woman comics. Reading helps a great deal. I also listened to music. I listened to some Tori Amos, Nirvana and Jimi Hendrix . I even listened to a little Country Music. Music has helped me a great deal with my recovery process.

    Speaking of my recovery process, I ended up sitting behind an old clinician on the bus home from the E.R. Due to laws she was unable to say hello to me tell I said hi. It took me some time to work up the nerve to say hello. In fact this particular person was one of the first clinician I had as an adult. She was shocked as hell that I’ve been working for 9 years with the same company. Hell, if I was her I would be shock as well. She asked how long it had been since I was last in the hospital for psych reasons as well as the last time I cut. I told her 2 1/2 years was the answer to both of those questions. She also commented on my weight and how healthy I looked. When she worked with me I was still struggling with Anorexia and Bulimia. I told her I haven’t done the eating disorder stuff in 15 years. She said she was proud of me. That’s the only two things we talked about regarding my mental health. The cool thing was that we talked about work. Not just about my job and my job seeking to become a peer counselor but her work as well. She is now the lead social worker on a one of the psych wards of the only Level 1 Trauma Center in my state. It was nice to see someone who once worked with me when I was at my worst and can now see how far I have come in my recovery. Recovery is not an easy process. In fact I think is will be life long process and I am fine with that.

     Well, it’s now 11:51pm(pacific time) on Tuesday night and I need to get to bed. I am a little tired. I have to get up early in the morning to have breakfast with a friend of mine. I am sure most of you are already in bed at the moment. Let me rephrase that, if you live in North America I am sure that most of you are asleep. If you are still up this time of night please enjoy the last 9 minutes of Tuesday. I hope to blog sometime tomorrow. Peace out and have a good nights sleep (and don’t let the bed bugs bite).

Just A Brief Blog For Now

Posted on by Gertie

     As I am blogging this Tuesday evening I am sitting in the Emergency Room waiting room because my dad had a seizure. Right now he is getting a MRI. I have had many MRI’s and they are not fun. I’m in the waiting room of the E.R because it’s the only place I can get Wi-Fi. I told my dad that when he gets back to the room to let his nurse know so she can come get me. In fact his nurse if friend of mine from the high school I graduated from. She was one of the few people who stuck up for me in high school when I got bullied. She also helped me with my homework. More or less she tutored me. Now back to my dad. I think he will be okay. Their is the possibility that he might have to stay overnight for observation. He usually does stay over for observation when he has a seizure. My dad has had a multitude of test so far this evening due to his seizure. I hope they just make up their minds if they are going to keep or let him go.

     In fact I was suppose to go to a baseball game this even with a friend but my dad ended up in the E.R and well he is more important than a baseball game. My friend understands and was able to find someone else go with her on such short notice. I am grateful that she was able to find someone on such notice because then her money isn’t wasted.

     Well I best be going. I hope to blog later on when I am home. I hope to let you know how my dad is doing. I love my dad so much. He raised me with the help of my grandparents. I will blog again later. Peace out and enjoy the summer.

Blogging With Burned Fingers

Posted on by Gertie

     Well its another Wednesday and unfortunately was unable to go to my volunteer job today. I was unable to go because I accidently burned three fingers last night cleaning my stove. The attending physician that saw me last night in the ER called me to see how my fingers were. I told her that they hurt like hell but seem to be doing well. Even the nurse that took care of me last night called to see how my fingers are doing and I told her the same thing I told the doctor. Speaking of doctors I made an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow for a follow from the ER visit regarding my burned fingers.

     Since I didn’t go to my volunteer job today, I continued reading A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens. I am really surprised that I am enjoying the book. I have to admit that I am a little disappointed with the school district that I graduated from because they didn’t require the students in Special Ed English to read the classics like the rest of the students. I was a mainstreamed Special Ed student. That means that most of my classes were regular classes. The only Special Ed class I was in was English because of my dyslexia and other “reading issues.” Don’t get me started on the lack of education I got from the school district I graduated from. The school district I spent most of my school years in was absolutely great but the school district I ended up graduating in was lacking quite a bit. Getting back on topic of reading, I am really enjoy A Tale of Two Cities.

     I also read some comic books. I read four Wonder Woman comics, two Superman comics, two Batman comics, two Spiderman comics and three X-Men comic. . I love comic books. Just like reading “normal” books, reading comics distracts me from a lot of things. It distracts me from the every day stress of life and at times distracts me from the symptoms of my mental illness. I collect all sort of comic books but I mainly collect Wonder Woman. I am a big Wonder Woman fan. I don’t discriminate between the comic book universes because both universes have there great characters.

     After I am done blogging for the evening my boyfriend and I are going to watch documentaries on homelessness. If you have been reading my blog you know that I volunteer at a homeless shelter and that I am passionate about ending homelessness. I really missed going to my volunteer job today at the homeless shelter. I can relate a great deal to most of the clients in the shelter because most of them have a mental illness. Plus at one point in time I was homeless. Thankfully it was only a short amount of time. Yes, I have my favorite clients even though we are not suppose to. A lot of the clients do seek out mental health help as well as help with addictions from alcohol and/or drugs. Unfortunately, some don’t get treatment. Getting treatment or not getting treatment is an entire different blog entry in itself.

     I better get going. My fingers are hurting like hell at the moment. I wasn’t expecting to blog so much today. Word to the wise make sure your burner is completely off when you clean your stove. I really thought I turned the burner of all the way last night when I started cleaning the stove. Well, I need to get going.

     Have a great Wednesday evening everyone. Now it’s time spend time with my boyfriend. Peace out and enjoy the rest of your Wednesday.