Tag Archives: Intimacy

Social Media, Boyfriend, & Other Stuff

Posted on by Gertie

I know it has been a week since I last blogged. I do have a good excuse that I am wanting to tell you at a later time. I am still debating whether or not that later time will be sometime in this particular post or not. I am still trying to get adjusted to the idea of why I haven’t blogged in a week even though I did post twice since finding out the good news. I am aware that not blogging for a week hinders me from getting potential readers and/or followers.

When it come to getting more followers and/or readers I have decided to create a twitter account. I didn’t realize that you could create a twitter account if you don’t have a smart (cell) phone. The cell phone I have is a basic tough phone or what I call a dumb dumb phone. I am hoping that starting a twitter account will help increase my blog traffic. If you want to connect with me on twitter you can at @gertiesjourney.

Since I am on the topic of social media I might as well as tell you I am on Facebook as well. You can friend me on it Facebook if you want to at Gerties Journey. In fact I started that account so my followers and regular reader could have another way to connect with me.

Connection with people is a good thing especially when it comes to in person connection. My boyfriend and I have been spending the day with each other. In fact we will be spending the rest of the weekend together because once Monday morning comes around we wont be able to see each other till Tuesday evening because of our jobs. My boyfriend and I have pretty much stayed in most of the day due to yucky, blustery weather. We did go for a walk when it wasn’t so yucky and blustery out. As I mentioned we have spent most of today indoors. My boyfriend and I spent the day watching soccer (football) as well as the World Series.  My boyfriend and of course had to keep warm by the fire when the lights went out for a few hours. While keeping warm by the fire we not only worked on a jigsaw puzzle but had some intimate moments. In fact it was an intense intimate moment. When the electricity came back on we watch a the movie Its Kind Of A Funny Story. In fact the movie is one of my favorite movies. It’s absolutely hilarious.

Speaking of hilarious, my boyfriend and I want to watch Saturday Night Live (SNL). Yes, that means I am going to end this blog for now because SNL is now on. Well, have good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace Out everyone!!!!

100th Blog

Posted on by Gertie

Writing this particular blog is a major milestone; a milestone in the fact that it is my 100th blog. Blogging on the subject of Mental Illness hasn’t been an easy feat. It hasn’t been easy for me to write on the topic of mental illness due to my own struggles with it and the lack of education. I have the lack of education to convey what I desire to tell you in regards to mental illness. Due to my struggles with mental illness I was unable to go to college and now it’s the lack of funds that I am unable to attend college. On the flip side, I am able to convey how one feels as well as how one deals when one struggles with a mental illness. I am however able to convey something on mental illness that and “educated” person cannot because I live with one. Who better to educate others on mental illness than those who struggle with one? Well, maybe those who not only struggle with a mental illness but have an education in field that deals with mental illness.

Dealing with a mental illness is not an easy thing to deal with because of the struggles one must have to endure when it comes to symptoms.  Learning to deal with the symptoms of a mental health diagnosis in a positive way is a start in  the recovery process. Recovery is not only a difficult journey as well as process but a difficult choice. Yes, recovery is a choice, a choice which one must be a willing participant. Of course being in recovery is an effort that others must be included in because going the journey alone just makes the journey not worth the effort to do. Once a person chooses the road to recovery that person will need all the support they can receive.

The support that one receives looks different to everyone’s own recovery. For me and my own recovery my support system is continuing to grow and be more supportive. My support system includes professionals (such as my therapist, psychiatric nurse practitioner, primary care physician, etc.) as well as natural supports (such as my boyfriend, friends, current and past co-workers, selected family members, etc.). If it wasn’t for the continued support of the people I consider my support system, I would not be able to enjoy my life or even be in recovery. Yes, it is choice that I must make and choose to make however without the support I would not be able to continue on the road of recovery.

The point I am trying to make is that one who struggles with a mental illness needs all the positive support they can get especially when they choose to walk in recovery. Choosing recovery is a personal decision not a forced decision. Being forced into recovery (and in most cases treatment) does more harm than good. The last thing we who struggle with mental illness is to be forced to go into treatment. Yes, in some cases it is a good idea to be put into involuntary treatment but in most cases it is NOT a good idea.

My recovery means the world to me. Yes, there might be relapses and bumps in the road but I will have the support of my support network as well as all the skills I have learned throughout the years. If it wasn’t for my recovery I would not have been able to be employed at my previous employer much less get my current job as a consumer aide at a mental health agency. I have worked endlessly to get where I am at and I owe it all to those who have helped me through out the years. It is to those who have helped me through out the years that this blog is dedicated to. If it wasn’t for the help of many people I would have not been able to be posting my 100th blog much less been able to start this blog to share my recovery as well as to educate those who do not have a mental illness. It is my hope that this blog continues to educate people as well as give hope to those who are struggling and that recovery is possible.

I want to thank you for reading and/or following my blog. It means a great deal to me. I hope that with the next hundred blogs that I will able to continue to convey hope and recovery as well as educate on mental illness. Yes, I know I am not a teacher however some of the best educators in my life  were NOT teachers.

I hope to blog again in the next day or so. I am thrilled that I am able to share my life with you as well as be able show people that there is hope and recovery is possible and that people with mental illness are fully capable human beings. Have a good rest of your weekend all. Peace Out and have fun!!!

Just A Lazy Sunday

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon!!! I decided to hold off on the educational part of my blog for now. Don’t worry I will get back to. Well, as you all know today, is Sunday. Its been a lazy Sunday. In fact its been a good lazy Sunday.

My boyfriend and I have been having a nice relaxing day together. To start of the nice lazy day, I made him breakfast when he got home from work. I made him some bacon and scrambled eggs. After we ate he went to bed to sleep for a few hours since he had a busy shift. While he napped, I read a little. In fact a read “A Tale of Two Cities” by Charles Dickens. I’m really enjoying the book. I also read a Wonder Woman graphic novel. If you have been following or reading my blog for a while, you are aware that I am a huge Wonder Woman fan. When my boyfriend woke up, we ended up having an intimate moment. After our intimate moment we had lunch and worked on a jigsaw puzzle. My boyfriend and I actually worked on the puzzle for a while when we realized that the Seattle Seahawk and Dallas Cowboy football game was on. So we turned it on to watch it. In fact we are still watching it. My boyfriend in a huge Seahawks fan. When it comes to football my boyfriend and I clash. I am a San Francisco 49er fan. I love sports.

Before I get back to my lazy Sunday to finish watching the Seahawk, Cowboy game I want to let you know how having a lazy day can help with ones mental. For me, I know I just need a day to not have to worry about anything or do anything. Everyone needs a mental break from time to time and that’s what today is for me.

I better getting going because the Cowboys just got touch down and field goal with three minutes left of the game. The Cowboys are in the lead and well my boyfriend and I are not happy about that. Well, I should get going to enjoy the rest of the game. Have a good rest of your Sunday and Peace Out!!

Figuring Out How To Succeed At Blogging

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Friday!!!! Apparently, I’m not reaching as many people as I hoped I would be. I only have 15 followers and don’t get many views. I am just getting frustrated with myself because I am not blogging as regularly as I was wanting to as well as not doing much educating when it comes to mental illness. I was hoping that I would educate people on particular mental health diagnoses but it appears that something is getting in my way in doing that. That something is me. I’m the one that is hindering the progression of this blog. On the positive side, I know that through my blog that I am showing others that recovery is possible (or at least I think I am).

My thinking was (and still is) when I started this blog was to show others that recovery is possible and that their is hope. I know that my blog is succeeding to a point when it comes to showing others that recovery is possible but it’s not succeeding in other ways. Its not succeeding in the number of followers or views I have or get and I think the reason being is the reason I stated earlier in this blog and that is the education part of it. I am hoping that once things start settling down with the new job as well as the new volunteer job that I will be able to start the education part of this blog. It is my hope that I will educate on the diagnosis’s that I have as well the ones I no longer meet the criteria for. I then hope to do some education on the diagnoses that family members and close friends struggle with and then go on from there.

Now that you heard enough about how my blog is not succeeding let get on to other subjects. I will start with my boyfriend. When he got off from work this morning I had made him breakfast. I made him pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs. According to my boyfriend I burned the bacon. He pretty much likes eating bacon raw or at least almost raw. He likes all the fat on it. I do have to say that the fat on the bacon is what makes bacon taste good. After eating breakfast and doing dishes we had some intimate moments. Intimacy is something I personally struggle with because of some severe trauma I experienced as a child and even some trauma I experienced as an adult. With that being said my boyfriend makes me feel safe especially during intimate moments. He is gentle with me and extremely loving.

Speaking of loving, I am loving my new job. Yes, I know a loving partner is completely different than loving your job. I not only love my job, I enjoy it as well. My job gives me great joy even though its not the position I desire. In regards to it not being the position I desire its a foot in the door as well as moving up opportunities.

Since we are on the topic of opportunities, my volunteer job at the Warm Line gives me training opportunities as well as possible career advancement at my current employer and possibly at the Crisis Line where the Warm Line is run out of. Yes, I know what I just said sounds a little selfish but if what I do employment wise as well as volunteering gives me a purpose in life then so be it. I’m improving with being a call taker on the Warm Line and am no longer a deer in head lights. I am finally getting in the grove of things as a call taker.

I so want to share more with you right now but I realize I am hungry and need to figure out what I want to cook for dinner. I’m hoping that my boyfriend will give me some idea’s. Actually, I am hoping that he will do the cooking tonight.  Well, have a good Friday evening everyone. I hope everyone enjoys there weekend and has some fun. Peace out.

Everything From Hiking to Intimacy to Blogging & Other Such Things

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s still Saturday and it has been an amazing one at that. My boyfriend and I went hiking and had a picnic in the woods. It was romantic having a picnic in the forest. This wasn’t the first time we had a picnic in the woods. Being out in nature with the person you love tends to bring you closer together.

     Being closer to my boyfriend is always a good thing especially when it comes to intimacy (sex). When we got back to his place after hiking we became intimate. It feels so good to be able to trust someone enough be intimate with. See, when you have suffered severe childhood abuse and other traumas you tend to not trust people especially when it comes to intimacy. For me trusting my boyfriend with sex and intimacy is a major deal and he knows that. That is why when we are intimate with each other he is gentle and patient. He is amazing in bed. Yes, I do have his permission blog about intimate moments with you all.

     The reason why he is cool me sharing about the intimate moments is because he likes what I am trying to do with this blog. He likes the fact that I am not only trying to help people who struggle with mental illness and show them that recovery is possible and that hope is out there but to educate “normal” people (like him) about mental illness. In fact my boyfriend is one of the people who encouraged me start this blog. He is what I call a normie. A normie is a normal person.  A normal person is someone who doesn’t struggle with a mental illness or any other disability. My boyfriend really hopes that this blog reaches normies because he wants it to prove to them that people who struggle with a mental illness do live productive lives and are loveable. Yes, he says some moments are more difficult than other moments but he is more than willing to stick it out with me. All I want with this blog is to show people who struggle that there is hope and recovery is possible. I also want to educate those who don’t struggle with mental illness that we are like everyone else and that we live productive lives. Yes, everyone who has a mental illness has a different way to be productive but so does everyone else in this world.

     Speaking about being productive, this next few weeks are going to be quite productive. I go back to work this Monday after being on vacation for a week. This Wednesday (July 30th) I have a job interview. Then this Tuesday (July 29th)  start volunteer training for a peer run Warm Line. The training is twice a week; Tuesdays and Thursdays for five weeks. Each day of training is four hours. So eight hours of training each week for five weeks equals to 40 hours. I am looking forward to this training. For me being productive is going to work, volunteering and going to various training in regards to peer counseling and volunteering. Another way that I am being productive is by voting. I voted in the primary elections. I want to make sure that my voice is heard and one way for it to me heard is to vote.

      Being heard is a big thing for those who struggle with a mental illness. I want to be a voice for those who cant speak up for themselves. I hope that I am that voice on this blog. I am hoping that one day I can educate you all on the particular diagnoses that I struggle with or have struggled with. I want to make sure I have the correct information before I share it. For example what the DSM 5 says about the diagnosis as well as the definitions from the dictionary. My desire is to educate those who may not understand what it is like to deal with a mental illness.

     With all of that being said, I should end this blog for now. I kind of want to have more adult fun with my boyfriend. I hope everyone had a good Saturday like I have had. Peace out and enjoy the rest of your Saturday.

Being Proactive About My Future

Posted on by Gertie

     Happy Friday!!! I have enjoyed my vacation immensely. It was great to see my brother for his birthday. Hell, I had fun seeing my brother. I always have fun seeing my brother. I’ve also been having fun with my boyfriend. In fact my boyfriend and I went hiking today and we both had a blast. We both enjoy going out in nature. It was nice that both my boyfriend and I had our vacations together and spent in it with each other. My boyfriend goes back to work on Thursday and I go back on Monday.

     I may not like my job but I am looking forward to go back to work. I am looking forward to going back to work because at the end of the day (no matter how good or bad it was) I have a sense of accomplishment. That is a big deal for someone who deals with a mental illness. Working at a grocery store is not easy and it is a thankless job a good portion of the time. Another unfortunate part about working in a grocery is that your schedule changes every week. I just wish the schedule didn’t change week to week. I’ve been working in the grocery store business and at the same employer for 9 years now its it time for a change.

    In fact I hope that change comes soon. I have a job interview on Wednesday for the agency that runs the homeless shelter I volunteer at. I really hope I get the job. Its a set schedule. I would only have to work two days a week which would be 15 hours plus get paid at least $2 more an hour than I do now. If I do get the job I will be a little nervous about changing jobs because I have been at my current employer for 9 years. Another thing is that if I do get the job I will miss my co-workers and some of my customers. My co-workers have become like family. I really want this job. I am trying to not get my hopes up because I haven’t even had the interview yet. I know the job I have an interview for is only a Consumer Aide and not Peer Counselor position, its at least a step in the right direction to get a job as a peer counseling.

   Speaking of a step in the right direction I am going to be starting training to be a volunteer call taker at local peer run Warm Line. The training is four weeks long, two days each week and five hours each day which equals to 40hours. I am wanting to volunteer on the Warm Line for many reasons. The first and main reason is that I want to help others. The second reason is that it looks good on a résumé. The third reason is that if I do get the job as a Consumer Aide that means I have to quit my volunteer job at the homeless shelter. You cant be employed and a volunteer at the same agency due to the job description and legal reasons with liability. I can understand that. I have really wanting to volunteer for the Warm Line for quite some time now and haven’t felt ready to do till now.

    Another thing I got involved in this past week is that I became a volunteer advocate for American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). A field advocate for AFSP basically emails there senators and congressperson(s) to encourage them to support or not support bills regarding mental health as well be a resource for the politicians. I figure that I want to be involved with politics some how that this a good way to get involved plus it regarding another thing that I am passionate about which is mental health. I am still debating weather or not to put this on my résumé. I know it will look good on one but not sure how future employers would take to it since it involves politics. Its something to consider. In fact I sent my first emails to my congressman and both of my senators introducing myself. I hope I can be a good resource for them.

    Another good resource is NAMI. I am a little frustrated with them right now because the just cancelled the peer to peer class I was suppose to take. This is the second time they cancelled it and both time they cancelled it was because the lack of interest. I find that difficult to believe because I live in major metropolitan area. Actually, I live in a major city. Another reason why I am I am frustrated with NAMI is because I am still waiting to hear back about volunteer with them. I sent them a volunteer application a month ago. I don’t know how long I should wait on about becoming volunteering with them. I think when Monday comes around I will call them to see if they even got my volunteer application. I know that if I do eventually start volunteering for NAMI that I will put it on my résumé.

     Well, now that I bored you all with about being proactive about mental health I will end this particular blog entry. Plus I want some intimate time with my boyfriend. Well, have a good rest of you Friday everyone. Peace Out.

Nightmare Leftovers

Posted on by Gertie

     Hey! I guess I can say it’s officially Friday since it is 1:34 in the morning (pacific time). Its been Friday for an hour and thirty four minutes now. I guess a Happy Friday is in order. Happy Friday, everyone!!!

     I have been up for about an hour and a half now due to a stupid ass nightmare. Thankfully, I’m at my boyfriends house and he is helping me through what I call the nightmare leftovers. Sometimes the nightmare leftovers are difficult to deal with. Depending on what type of nightmare I had, I can wake up in little girl mode. Most of the time when I am in little girl mode after a severe nightmare like tonight I don’t realize that I’m in it because the nightmare felt like the trauma was happening all over again. It can take quite awhile for me to get out of little girl mode. Tonight it only took an hour for me to out of little girl mode. According to my boyfriend, I was 9 year old Gertie for that hour. Apparently 9 year old Gertie thinks my boyfriend is a safe person and that is a good thing. My boyfriend is a safe person. I have stuffed animals at my boyfriends house to help me through rough moments even if the rough moments are not when I am in little girl mode. My therapist says that its a common thing for people to dissociate after a severe nightmare or PTSD symptom. The dissociation is getting less and less as well as farther apart as I continue to work through the pain of my past with my therapist. Well, I’ve gotten off track. Back to the nightmare leftovers. My boyfriend is a strong man (both emotionally and physically) and is able to handle the nightmare leftovers pretty well. When I become little Gertie my boyfriend gives me one of my stuffed animals to hold and puts on a Disney movie. I guess tonight 9 year old Gertie wanted to watch The Jungle Book so my boyfriend put it in for her to watch. When I get out of little girl mode I usually put on some music to help get grounded again. I put on Nirvana to help me get grounded and it helped me. See, another part of the nightmare leftovers is that it takes a while for me to recuperate from the nightmare especially if I was in little girl mode. The part that is most difficult for my boyfriend is when he wants to cuddle with me (when I am not in lil girl mode) to try to comfort me and I cant because its difficult for me to be touched. That part is difficult for me as well however its quite difficult for him and I wish I stand being touched after a nightmare. I am extremely grateful that my boyfriend is patient with me and whatever symptoms any of my mental heath diagnoses may bring. I just wish I had the patients with the symptoms that he has with them. Nightmare leftovers suck because being intimate with my boyfriend isn’t going to happen when we go back to bed. Cuddling maybe but not sex. I am getting really sleepy.

     I am thinking should get going so I could get some sleep. I might even have my boyfriend cuddle with me so I can feel a little bit safer. He always makes me feel safe. I should get going and try to get some sleep. Hopefully, I can get some sleep. I know my boyfriend will stay up with me if need be. It is now 2 o’clock in the morning and I really need sleep. Peace out!

Had A Great Weekend

Posted on by Gertie

     I had a great weekend. Yes, I know it’s Tuesday but I am now getting around to writing more about my weekend. I was too exhausted to blog yesterday when I got home.

     I really enjoyed my weekend. As I told you in a previous blog my boyfriend and I went to the city where my brother lives to celebrate his birthday. The first night we stayed at his place and the second and third nights we stayed at a hotel. Saturday my boyfriend and I spent most of the day with my brother. We of course had the barbeque at my brothers place. My mom and two of my uncles were there as well as some of brothers friends were at the barbeque. Surprisingly, my mother didn’t cause any drama. After the barbeque was over my boyfriend and I checked into the hotel and then met up with my brother at a local fair/carnival. The three of us of course had a blast.

    After my boyfriend and I spent most of Saturday with my brother we decided to spend the rest of the day and pretty much most of Sunday being intimate with each other. For people who have had intensive sexual trauma like I have endured have trouble with sexual intimacy. My boyfriend is always gentle with me and we stop when I need to. It takes a great deal of trust for me or any trauma survivor to be intimate with anyone. My boyfriend has proven time and again that I can trust him. That is a huge deal for me personally and he knows that. Like I have said he is always been gentle with me and I know he wont hurt me. Their is no proof that he will hurt me cause he hasn’t hurt me in the past. I have to believe what the past says about my boyfriend. It has taken a lot of therapy for me to trust a person to be intimate with and I am beyond grateful for that therapy.

    After spending most of Sunday being intimate with my boyfriend my brother came over to the hotel we stayed at to watch the fireworks to mark the end of the carnival/fair. I was impressed with fireworks. It takes a lot for me to be impressed with fireworks because of growing up near Disneyland and watching their fireworks. After the fireworks were done my brother and I said our goodbyes and he went home.

    My boyfriend and I got home yesterday. We were both extremely tired and that is why I didn’t blog yesterday. I need to cut this blog short because I need to get ready for my session with my therapist. I had to reschedule my session with my therapist because I was out of town. Anyway I hope to blog again later today. Peace out.

It’s Been A Great Weekend

Posted on by Gertie

     Well, its Sunday and I am on vacation. I have been since I got off work this past Friday. I came to the town where my brother lives to celebrate his birthday. Friday night my boyfriend and I stayed at my brother place and we had an awesome time. Last night and tonight we are staying in a hotel. In fact my brother is coming in about 15 minutes because we are going to be watching the fireworks from the balcony of our hotel room. Every year around the time of my brother birthday a fair comes to his town. At the end of the fair (Sunday nights) they light off fireworks. Thankfully my boyfriend and I were able to get a room facing the lake and where the fireworks are going to be set off as well as the fair. Yesterday, my boyfriend and I treated my brother to the fair after we had a barbeque at his place. We had a blast. Surprisingly my mom didn’t cause any drama at my brothers birthday barbeque.

     After spending time with my brother yesterday, my boyfriend and I went line dancing. I love that my boyfriend enjoys line dancing and country music. In fact my boyfriend and I have similar taste in music. I will tell you at a later date what type of music I enjoy. Anyway, my boyfriend and I spent all day together having adult fun in our hotel room. We even spent some time at the fair again and walked along the waterfront. It’s always nice to spend some alone time with your significant other to have intimate moments. Intimacy isn’t always an easy thing for someone who has sexual trauma in there life but am glad that I am able to enjoy it.

     Well, my brother is now here. He is one big goof ball. I love my brother to pieces. I am grateful that we are as close as we are because of our age difference of 11 years.

     I should get going and spend time with my brother and boyfriend. Plus we need to get ready to watch the fireworks. Anyway, I want to spend some time with my brother since my boyfriend and I are going back home tomorrow.

    Like I said I need to get going. In all honesty I feel bad for not blogging last night but my boyfriend and I were have some adult fun or intimate moments. I honestly hope to blog tomorrow to let you all know how the fireworks were tonight and to tell you what my boyfriend and I are planning for the rest of our vacation. Well enjoy the rest of your Sunday evening. Peace out all.