Tag Archives: DBT

Is Thanksgiving Over With Yet?

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Thanksgiving!!! Yes, it’s still Thanksgiving. I am absolutely beat tired. I have pretty much have been on the go with Thanksgiving Day stuff since yesterday morning.

My boyfriend and I hosted Thanksgiving dinner and it turned out fairly well. Yes, there was a little family from my side however it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Unfortunately, it isn’t a true holiday gathering without a little drama when it comes to my family. All I can say is that my boyfriends family is pretty much a drama free family which I am so thankful for. The family drama started when Jr.(my boyfriend) and I made an extremely special announcement.

The special announcement is that I am expecting twins. Yes, you read right twins. For the most part everyone was happy for Jr. and I. Well, that is everyone but my mother who started drama and well she was eventually asked to leave due to the stress she was causing me. I don’t need the added stress due to being a high risk pregnant woman. I am high risk for several reasons which I will discuss in another blog entry. Jr. and myself are thrilled we are going to be parents. I have always wanted to be a mama and I am looking forward to being one. I just wish my own mama was thrilled with me becoming one. Thankfully, I have another person I consider a mom whom I call Mama Bear as well as Jr.’s mom. (Side Note: Today marks me being 14 weeks pregnant.)

Now lets get on to other events of today. People started arriving around 11am (pacific time) because of The Turkey Bowl. The Turkey Bowl is a football game where people play football with an uncooked turkey. The game starts with a turkey and at some point in the game an actual football is replaced with the turkey. No, the turkey is not cooked after it is done being played with. Yes, the turkey get thrown out in the garbage at some point during the game. I was a little disappointed that I couldn’t play this year. I obviously couldn’t play today due to being 14 weeks pregnant. I am proud to say that the women slaughtered then men in the annual Turkey Bowl. The final score 24 -3. No the men did NOT let the women win.

The best part of the day for me was the food. Oh how I love being pregnant during the holidays. I’m sure the babies are enjoying it as well. I love to eat even when I am not pregnant. Dinner turned out pretty good considering all the preparing of food and cooking I had to do. Thankfully, I had a lot of help and others brought side dished and baked good that is traditional for them to eat on Thanksgiving.

After dinner we played some board games as well as some card games. We all had a blast playing the games. No not everyone stayed for the games but that was okay with me. Everyone seemed to really enjoy playing the game Apple to Apples. That is an extremely fun and entertaining game.

About two hours after everyone started playing various types for board and card games we turned on the television to watch the Seahawk vs. 49er game. Yes, some people continued to play games but most of us watched the football game. The Seahawks beat the 49ers 19-3. I was kind of hoping for a closer and more competitive game but it didn’t happen. The Seahawks played a great game and the 49ers not so much. I am both a 49er fan and a Seahawk fan. Yes, I know they have intense rivalry and that it is an oxymoron to be a fan of both teams but I don’t give a flying rats ass.

Now that the game is over with and everyone is gone, my boyfriend Jr. and I had some private intimate moments. After the intimate moments, Jr. and myself watched M*A*S*H to help the both of relax after an overwhelming day. In fact Jr. is now in bed because he has to work his regular work shift tomorrow. In fact his shifts are 24 hours which sucks but I am proud to be his girlfriend and the mama of his children. He loves his career and I am grateful that he does what he does. Since he is in bed I continued watching M*A*S*H. I am actually going to end this particular blog entry for now because I want to watch the 11 o’clock news.

Have a continued Happy Thanksgiving or at least the hour that is left of Thanksgiving. Have a good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace Out!!!

Happy Dead Turkey Day

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Dead Turkey Day!!! Now that I have your attention, Happy Thanksgiving. I really prefer saying Happy Dead Turkey Day because today is really all about eating a dead turkey as well as other yummy foods. Its also about spending time with friends and dysfunctional family and watching some good ole American Football.

It has been an extremely busy morning so far and its only 8:30 in the morning (pacific time). I have been up since 5 this morning (pacific time) cooking and baking for Thanksgiving Dinner and the thing is I was up till midnight (pacific time) doing the same thing. I am cooking Thanksgiving Dinner for about 50 to 60 people that my boyfriend and I are hosting for our friends and family. Thankfully, I am getting help with the cooking. Not only am I getting help with the cooking but am having people bring a traditional dish that they ate growing up. The only thing we asked of people bringing food is that they tell us so we don’t have mass amounts of the same dish. Anyway, its been a busy morning and it is just going to get busier as the day goes on.

My boyfriend is the lucky one right now because he is sleeping. He did an overtime shift and got of at 7:30 this morning (pacific time). My boyfriend may be sleeping right now but he will be in charge of the cleaning up after the turkey dinner is over with. Luckily how it goes on both sides of our families is that if you are not involved with the cooking then you have to help out with the clean up with one exception and that is that if you had to work. I think that’s fair enough.

Something my boyfriend and I have planned for our guest besides the dinner is to have some fun and make a day out of it. We plan on having a game of turkey bowl. Turkey bowl is where you play football with an uncooked turkey . Eventually, we replace the turkey with a football and no we do NOT cook the turkey, we throw it away. We also plan on having board games out to play and even might have a tournament or two with the board games. Hopefully, we will do some karaoke at some point. We might do some Christmas caroling. Most importantly we will be watching the San Francisco 49er vs. Seattle Seahawk football game. What’s a Dead Turkey Day (Thanksgiving) without some good ole American Football.

When it comes to who to root for in regards to the football game, I am conflicted. I am conflicted because I grew up in California and was taught to always root for the home team. Since my home team was the Rams and they moved to Saint Louis when I was about nine or ten I picked the 49ers. The 49ers then became my home team. The thing is I’m the only one in my family who was not born and raise in the State of Washington and my entire family is a Seattle Seahawk fan. The thing is that at that time the Seahawks were in the AFC so it was okay to root for the 49ers because the were and still are in the NFC. As a teenager I moved to Washington State with my dad and realized what a gigantic fan base the Seahawks had even though at that time they were a loosing team they kind of grew on me. Then a few years ago the NFL decided to put the Seahawks into the NFC and that what makes it even more complicated now because the rivalry against the 49ers is even greater now.  Now that I live in Seahawk country I am conflicted. Oh how I wish I could choose what team to root for later. I hope you see why I am conflicted on who to root for.

I should get back on topic of Dead Turkey Day. I am overwhelmed with having to do dinner for so many people even though I have plenty of help. My own family is quite overwhelming and well dysfunctional. Not only are the holidays triggering for me due to childhood trauma but my family is triggering for me. Well, my brother is not triggering. The only reason why my dysfunctional family is invited is because my boyfriend and I have some big news for our families. Well, most of his family knows as well as my lil brother but we want it to be a special announcement. I will tell you in another blog that I hope to do later this evening or tonight sometime but no promises.

Well, my self-proclaimed break is over. It is now 9:00 am (pacific time) and I spent the last half an hour blogging and I feel like a slacker for not doing anything when there are others working their asses off. So this means I’m saying ta ta for now. Have a good Dead Turkey Day everyone. Enjoy your food and friends and try to enjoy your dysfunctional families. Peace Out!!!

Mental Illness and Evangelical Christians

Posted on by Gertie

It’s Sunday and that means a number of people around the world went to their place of worship to celebrate their particular entity. It being Sunday, I decided to take a friend up on her invite to attend the church that she is a member of. The reason why I took my friend up on the invite was because she had a solo. Going to church is a major deal to me because I rarely go.

I rarely go  to church for many reasons and one those things happened today at the church I visited today. To give you a back story I use to self harm by cutting myself and that means I have scars and some of those scars are on my arms. Whenever I go and visit a church and wear short sleeves I get a lot of stares and some questions and that’s okay with me. It’s a way to educate others. The thing I have an issue with and is one of the reasons I choose to not attend church is when those in attendance of the church telling me various things in regards to my scarred up arms. Things like “You need Jesus because if you had Jesus you wouldn’t have those,” as they point to my arms or “The Devil must be inside of you because you cut yourself,” or “I think you should attend our healing service to be healed of your mental health issues. You obviously have one or you wouldn’t have scars on your arms.” All three of these statements were told to me today. Unfortunately, my friend didn’t hear the people who told me these statements because she was getting ready for her solo with the choir. My friend attends an Evangelical Christian church and I have found that with all the Evangelical Churches I have been to, I have at least five or six people make similar comments like the ones I shared with you above. When people of faith tell me comments like above or similar ones it has me feeling less than human and undeserving. I do have to say I was able to stand up for myself when I had people make comments to me today. The comments my friend was around to hear she backed me up and helped me convey my message and ultimately stood up for me. In fact, she even stood up for me when the senior pastor of her church made the comment, “Oh another lost soul that allowed Satan to take over so he could make you crazy.” Yes, he said crazy. I am so grateful that my friend stuck for me and gave her senior pastor a lesson on God, faith, compassion and mental illness.

My friend was in disbelief when she not only heard her friends make discriminatory and “un-Christ-like” comments but the comments her senior pastor said. When I told her I was hesitant to go to her church for reason such as I just described to you she told me it wouldn’t happen. I find my friend being a little naïve when it came to this issue. In fact many Evangelical Christians are naïve and ignorant toward mental illness. Many Evangelical Christian feel and think that we chose to have a mental illness or allowed the devil to give us one. Why would we choose to have a mental illness? I would wish a mental illness on my worst enemy.

I am not posting this blog to pass judgment on any particular person, religion or faith but to educate those who may not be aware that their comments and actions hurt and turn away potential Christians to believe what they believe or attend their church. I know some of the comments are well intended but not helpful. A great deal of the comments I receive today in regards to my scarred up arms were quite ignorant, discriminatory, judgmental and just plain ole continued the stigmatizing of mental illness.

The goal of this blog and blog entry is to educate those on mental illness. Stigma has no place anywhere especially in a place of worship. Everyone need to feel safe when they are worshiping their particular entity.

Now that I have gotten that off my chest I will call it an evening and night. Have a good rest of your Sunday evening. Peace Out!!

Thinking About Advocacy And Mental Illness

Posted on by Gertie

Good Afternoon! So far today has been an uneventful day. Usually on days that are uneventful I start to think about things. Well, todays thoughts are on advocacy and mental illness and how I am lacking.

I feel like I am lacking because I am not reaching as many people as I have hoped I would be. I only have 19 followers on my blog and 21 followers on my twitter. Granted I just started my twitter account not even a month ago but I was hoping that it would help increase my blog following. See, at the end of this month (November) it will mark six months since I started my blog.

As many of you know, I started this blog for three reasons. The first reason is because I consider myself an advocate for those who struggle with a mental illness. That leads me to the second reason I stared this blog which is to educate those who do not have a mental illness in hopes to lessen the stigma of mental illness. Those who have a mental illness or take care of someone with a mental illness know all too well how stigma and mental illness go hand and hand. Trust me when I say stigma is part of the reason why people who struggle a mental illness don’t seek out the help of their friends and family which can lead them to not seeking out professional help. I know this because I not only have family members who struggle with mental illness but I too struggle with a mental illness. This leads to the third reason why I started this blog and this is to show those who struggle with mental illness that recovery is possible and their is hope. Recovery is not an easy process. I do know that many of my followers are people who struggle with mental illness are working on their recovery. I am grateful for them. I’m just hoping that I’m showing those followers that recovery is possible. Its trying to get people who don’t struggle with a mental illness to follow my blog. I just really want to be an advocate for those who struggle with mental illness and feel like I’m not reaching people who don’t struggle with one. I feel like my voice isn’t being heard because of this. I want to lessen the stigma of mental illness. Well, at least I know that part of my goal is being accomplished because I’m hoping that I am showing you my followers that recovery is possible and that their is hope.

Speaking of recovery and hope I need to get going because I have to go to my volunteer job at the Warm Line. I talk to people with mental illness and help them along their recovery. Everyone’s recovery looks different. Well, have a good Saturday afternoon. Peace out!!

A Lazy Friday

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Friday!!! Today has been a lazy Friday for me. Thankfully, the weather cooperated with it being a rainy yucky day out. It gave me an excuse to read most of the day. Of course I had music playing in the background as I read. I of course did other things besides read and listen to Christmas music all day. I worked on a Jigsaw puzzle with my boyfriend while listening to Christmas music. We also had some very intimate moments and no we weren’t listening to music. The best part of the day was when my boyfriend fixed me biscuits and gravy and scrambled eggs. I love biscuits and gravy. My boyfriend and I baked chocolate cake, an apple pie, a pumpkin pie and baklava. Of course we had the Christmas music blaring the entire time baking. As you can tell I didn’t get much accomplished today and that’s fine with me.

Even though today was not an accomplished day, yesterday felt like one after I attended a training that my volunteer job put on. In fact its one of the perks of volunteering at the Warm Line is being able to take various types of training that they offer. I guess its a plus that the Warm Line is under the umbrella of the local Crisis Line because of the free trainings. The training was about how Social Justice and what types of things get in the way of how we view ourselves and others and how people cope. I thought is was going to be more geared toward the LGBTQ but it wasn’t and I was disappointed with that. Yes, there was a discussion in the training on LGBTQ but the trainings focus wasn’t entirely on LGBTQ like I was hoping it was going to be. Oh well. I did enjoy it a lot and learned a great deal about myself and others as well as how others may view me. I believe this training will not only help me in my volunteer job at the Warm Line but my current employment as Consumer Aide.

Since we are on the topic of my current employment I am really enjoying it. Its nice to finally have a job that I love with every cell of who I am and knowing that I am making a difference in someone’s life. It’s nice to actually show other’s that recovery from a mental illness is possible.

Recovery for me is so much more fun than not being in recovery. I say this because I am able to enjoy days like today. Through recovery I am learning how much I am able to handle through the holidays. For many people the holidays are extremely difficult especially for those who struggle with a mental illness. I know for me that the holidays will never be easy however I can learn different ways to cope with them as well as to enjoy them and make my own traditions. A tradition that I have started is that I want my Christmas tree to tell people my story or who I am through the ornaments I have on it. Of course most of them are Hallmark Keepsake Ornaments. My grandparents started that when I was born. In fact I get an ornament or two from them every year. One happens to be in a series and started the year I was born. I think that tells a part of who I am. I usually buy between 2 to 4 ornaments a year for my tree plus the one or two my grandparents get me. My tree always looks empty due to the fact of the lack of ornaments it has. I really want my tree to tell people on who I am. Another thing I do is volunteer at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving. See, being in recovery means dealing with the pain of your past with new traditions.

The holidays are not easy for me because I was severely and horrifically abuse as a child my moms (now ex) boyfriend. This (ex) boyfriend happens to be my little brothers father. Anyway, this dude did unthinkable and disgusting things to me. I guess that’s why I tend to struggle during the holidays. I am just happy that I haven’t had a major issue in three years.

I’m grateful that my boyfriend and others have helped me out the last three years. In fact I’ve had many people on my side to make sure I haven’t had a major issue the last three years. These people were there for me when I did have major issues three years ago. Having a great support system is key to being in recovery.

Well its no longer Friday and my boyfriend who happens to be part of my support system wants to have some intimate time. Intimate time usually means sex. I am really happy that I am able to trust him and feel safe with him to have sex.

Since its no longer Friday and my boyfriend and I want to have an intimate moment, I best be going. Have goodnight and don’t let the bed bugs bite. I would say enjoy the rest of your Friday but its now Saturday so enjoy your Saturday as well as your weekend. Peace Out!!

Late Night Hump Day (Wednesday) Ramblings

Posted on by Gertie

Happy Hump Day!!! Or what’s left of Hump Day. Can you believe that people are unaware that Hump Day is actually Wednesday?

It may still be just another Hump Day (Wednesday) and I have a lot on my mind. At this point in time I am not sure how long or short this blog may be tonight. My mind is full of stuff that I want to discuss with you all but not sure if I will be able to convey it the way I want or if I’m going to be too tired to continue blogging once I get going. I guess I will just go with the flow with this particular blog entry due to the fact of I’m wanting to blog more in hopes to get more followers and/or readers because I want to educate people on mental illness as well as show people who due struggle with a mental illness that recovery is possible.

I might as well as update you all on my new job. I am still loving it. This past Monday (November 17, 2014) I started a Coloring Group. I only had three clients in attendance but it was more than I thought I was going to have. Cool thing about the coloring group is that coloring is one of my Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills. I am hoping that it will eventually become an Art Group. Can you believe it’s been almost three months since I found out I got my current job as a Consumer Aide? Even if you can believe it, I’m still having a hard time believing it and I’ve been working as a Consumer Aide for two and a half months now. I really wasn’t sure I was going to get the job but I am so happy that I got the job for many different reasons.

One of those reasons why I am happy I got my current job is because the holidays are coming up. See my previous employer was at a grocery store. Grocery stores are pure hell to work in during the holidays due to all the food people are buying. The worst time to work at grocery store is the week of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving week is what we call hell week. Hell week usually begins the Saturday before Thanksgiving. The worst day to work is usually the Wednesday before Thanksgiving because its so freakin busy. Working Thanksgiving sucked but at least the customers show gratitude unlike the day before Thanksgiving. Working Black Friday was hell as well because grocery store are usually dead (extremely slow) because everyone is either sleeping in or at retail stores getting “major deals” on items that they may want.

Since we are on the topic of Thanksgiving lets discuss it. Thanksgiving is going to be a little different this year. My boyfriend and I are going to host it at his place. So both his family and my family are going to be in attendance. Mainly because my family (particularly my dad’s side) were trying to make it an “obligation” for me to be in attendance. I highly dislike when both sides of my family do this to me. I’ve been dealing with the issue of what side I’m going to spend what holiday with since I was 3 years old. I am now in my mid thirties. It was much easier when I was under the age of 18 because at least I could say what do the custody papers say. The only reason why I am looking forward to Thanksgiving this year is because I get to spend with my boyfriend, his family and my lil brother.

Another thing I am looking forward to is training I am going to tomorrow. The training I am going to has nothing to do with my current employment but it can help me with future employment opportunities. In fact it is a training that my volunteer job is putting on. Actually, its the local crisis line that is putting it on. See, I volunteer at a local peer run Warm Line and the Warm Line is under the umbrella of the local Crisis Line. The training is available for all the volunteers and staff. In fact the training is on Practicing Social Justice and the topic or discussion will be on the LGBTQ community and mental illness. I’m looking forward to this training for my own reasons. Those reasons aren’t just because it will be helpful but because I consider myself part of the LGBTQ community because I am bi-sexual. Actually, I think I am more pansexual than bi-sexual. I am looking forward to the training tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow, tomorrow is almost here.

One thing I am also hoping to do tomorrow is to start reading the book “Catch 22.” I am putting “A Tale of Two Cities” on hold for a moment because I’m having difficulty getting into it. The reason why is the how it’s written and it is triggering my dyslexia. I was finding “A Tale of Two Cities” enjoyable but wanted to put it down for a while. I will pick it back up after I read “Catch 22.”

I have a great deal more I would like to discuss with you but I am getting tired. I am hoping to blog again tomorrow. It is still Hump Day (Wednesday) and am going to call it a night. Enjoy the last two minutes of Hump Day (Wednesday).  Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite. Peace Out!!

Mental Health Araweness Week; Day 7: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) & Recovery

Posted on by Gertie

It’s Day 7 of Mental Health Awareness Week. That means it is the last day and I struggled with what I wanted to discuss today. I really wanted to discuss another diagnosis as well as recovery. With much discussion and consideration with different people in my life, I have chosen to not only talk about Recovery but Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as well. I chose these two topics because I at one time was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and because I have worked so hard in recovery I no longer meet the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). So you can see the topics of Recovery and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can go hand and hand for me.

I will discuss Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) first. From here on out for the remainder of this blog, Borderline Personality Disorder will be written as BPD. The following information on BPD I got from National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website at nami.org.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness that can be challenging for everyone involved, including the individuals with the illness, as well their friends and family members. BPD is characterized by impulsivity and instability in mood, self-image, and personal relationships. The treatments and longer-term studies of BPD offer hope for good outcomes for most individuals who live with BPD. Ideas to name the condition in a manner that better describes the patter of concerns (e.g., Emotion Dysregulation Disorder) have been advanced but no name change to the condition is planned for the release of DSM-5.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and how is it diagnosed?

Borderline Personality Disorder is diagnosed by mental health professionals following a comprehensive psychiatric interview that may include talking with a person’s previous clinicians, review of prior records, a medical evaluation, and when appropriate, interviews with friends and family. There is no specific single medical test (e.g., blood test) to diagnose BPD and a diagnosis is not based on  a single sign or symptom. Rather, BPD is diagnosed by a mental health professional based on patterns of thinking and behavior in an individual. Some people may have “borderline personality traits” which means that they do not meet the criteria for diagnosis with BPD but have some of the symptoms associated with this illness.

Individuals with BPD usually have several of the following symptoms, many which are detailed in the DSM-IV-TR:

  • Marked mood swings with periods of intense depressed mood, irritability and/or anxiety last a few hours to a few days (but not in the context of full-blown episode of major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder).
  • Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable anger.
  • Impulsive behaviors that result in adverse outcomes and psychological distress, such as excessive spending, sexual encounters, substance use, shoplifting, reckless driving or binge eating.
  • Recurring suicidal threats or non-suicidal self-injurious behavior such as cutting on one’s self.
  • Unstable, intense personal relationships, sometimes alternating between “all good,” idealization, and “all bad,” devaluation.
  • Persistent uncertainty about self-image, long-term goals, friendships and values.
  • Chronic boredom or feelings of emptiness.
  • Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

Borderline Personality Disorder is relatively common – about 1 in 20 or 25 individuals will live with this condition. Historically, BPD has been thought to be significantly more common in females, however recent research suggest that males may almost as frequently affect by BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder is diagnosed in people from each race, ethnicity and economic status.

What is the cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?

The exact causes of BPD remain unknown, although the roles of both environmental and biological factors are though to play a role in people who develop this illness. While no specific gene has been shown to directly cause BPD, a number of different genes have been identified as playing a role in its development. The brain’s functioning, as seen in MRI testing, is often different in people with BPD, suggesting that there is a neurological basis for some of the symptoms associated with BPD.

Neuroimaging studies are not clinically helpful at this time to make the diagnosis and are research tools. A number of hormones (including oxytocin) and signaling molecules within the brain (e.g., neurotransmitters including serotonin) have been shown to potentially play a role in BPD. People who experience traumatic life events (e.g., physical or sexual abuse during childhood) are at increased risk of developing BPD, as are people with certain chronic medical illnesses in childhood.

The connection between BPD and other mental illnesses is well established. People with BPD are at increased risk for anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, eating disorders, and substance abuse. BPD is often misdiagnosed and many people find they wait years to get a proper diagnosis, which leads to a better care plan.

Many people with Borderline Personality Disorder have a first-degree relative with a serious mental illness (e.g., bipolar or schizophrenia). This is likely due to both genetic and environmental factors.

Now that I have bored you about BPD, I want to thank you for reading to this point. Again, I got the following information from NAMI’s website at nami.org.  I will now continue on with the next part of my blog.

The next part of the discussion is Recovery. According to the Webster’s dictionary Recovery is defined as following: noun: The process of combating a disorder (such as alcoholism) or a real or perceived problem. Now that you know the definition of Recovery, I can tell you how recovery looks to me especially when it comes to BPD.

Recovery has been a long and difficult process for me. In fact recovery is a lifelong process for people with any mental health diagnosis. For me, my recovery process in regards to my mental illness (not the eating disorders I struggled with) started 11 years ago this month (October or 2003) when I went into a two year intensive outpatient Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) program. When I was in DBT I learned on ways to learn how to deal with my intense emotions. Most of the emotions I was dealing with and still deal with on occasion, I learn as a child to hold them in. So, holding in my emotions I ended up self-harming by cutting myself. I’m getting a little off topic, when I was in the DBT program I learned the proper skills or tools I needed to express my emotions appropriately. Because I learned how to express my emotions in an appropriate manner I was able to hold down a job at the same employer for 9 1/2 year as well take the training and examination to become a Certified Peer Support Specialist (aka Peer Counselor). Not only was I employed at the same employer for 9 1/2 years I was able to quit that job and become  Consumer Aide with Peer Counselor responsibilities at a mental health agency.

Yes, after I graduated the DBT program I continued with my previous job as well as sought out a new therapist. I have had my current therapist for 6 years this December. My current therapist Diana (pseudonym) and have worked endlessly with the pain of my past. She is the one that encouraged me to get my peer certification as well getting my new job as a Consumer Aide. Diana and the DBT program I graduated from in November of 2005 have played a key role in my recovery. In fact I have come to rely on myself as well as my friends and a select family members as well as people I consider family more than I do my own treatment team. Diana, my current therapist, is the one who declared me a recovered Borderline. As of the summer of last year (2013) I know longer meet the criteria of Borderline. My natural support system will see to that I will never get the diagnosis of BPD back. In fact my natural supports are a key to my recovery.

The reason why they are key to my recover is because like I said earlier recovery is a life long process. See I deal with other mental health diagnoses like the ones I have shared with you this past week. In fact I struggle with a few other diagnoses and will continue to educate you on those tomorrow. Going back to the topic, most mental illness’s are life long. Most of the personality disorders are the only mental health diagnoses you can eventually no longer meet the criteria for and Borderline is one of them. Yes, I will most likely struggle from time to time with my other mental health diagnosis however I have great friends and family as well as a therapist that are all invested in my recovery. They wont give up on me nor will they allow me to give up on myself.

Now that I have practically written a chapter or two of a book I better let you all go. I will continue to keep educating you on different diagnosis’s. I will continue with the ones that deal with. Have a great rest of your weekend I hope that I have educated you all on mental illness during Mental Health Awareness Week. I hope you all will continue to read and/or follow my blog. I hope I was able to convey to you this week that I was hoping to and hope to be able to convey more to you all in other blogs. Thanks for reading. Please do not hesitate to share my blog on social media site just as long as it is done in a respectful manner. Again thank you for reading. It means a great deal to me that you read my blog.

I should really let you go. I will blog again tomorrow and yes I will be blogging about another mental health diagnosis. It will be one that I have been diagnosed with. Again, thank you for reading. Peace out and enjoy your weekend.

1,000 Days

Posted on by Gertie

     Happy Monday, Everyone!!! Today, marks 1,000 days since I was last discharged from a inpatient psych unit. Hence, the reason why I titled this blog entry 1,000 Days. For me 1,000 days is a major accomplishment. This is the longest that I have been out of the hospital for psych reasons since I was a teenager. Being out of the hospital for 1,000 days just shows on how much I have accomplished in my recovery and of course I had many people who have helped with this process.

     I guess if I really look back my recovery process started back in 1999. Yes, my recovery process started 15 years ago. I may have not been in recovery with my mental health for 15 years but I have been in recovery from the eating disorders for that long. In my late teens and early twenties I considered myself a Christian. In fact I was highly involved in the Christian community. I share this with you because its part of my story of how I am in recovery with both Anorexia and Bulimia. Being active in the church I was attending and being a huge “Christian” music fan at the time, I had heard of this place called Mercy Ministries. Mercy Ministries is a place for “troubled young women” with all sorts of issues including eating disorders. The thing that drew me to Mercy Ministries at the time was that it is Christian and free. At the time it was the best choice I made. In fact to this day I don’t regret making the decision to go all the way to Nashville from the West Coast of the United States. I did graduate from Mercy Ministries and it is one of the greatest accomplishments in my life. I as a thirty-something may not consider myself as Christian anymore and am happy that as a twenty-something Christian, I made one of the best decisions in my life. I may not agree that I was healed from Anorexia and Bulimia but I do believe that because of Mercy Ministries I am in recovery from both eating disorders. I haven’t had any relapses with either eating disorder but I do struggle on occasion with the urges of the eating disorders. I believe that both eating disorders are a life long struggle and it is a choice I make to give in to those urges or not. I choose to not give in to those urges.

     Now that you know where I my recovery started or at least with the eating disorders, now let me tell you about my mental health recovery. My mental health recovery is much more of a rollercoaster ride than my eating disorder recovery. My mental health recovery started October 2003 when I entered an intensive two year out patient Dialectical Behavior (DBT) program. At the time I entered the  DBT program I had been in and out of inpatient psych wards and hospitals more than 40 times. That’s more times than my current age. While being in the DBT program I was required to get a job which I am beyond grateful that I was required to do. In fact the job was a requirement for the second year of the DBT program I was in. If it wasn’t a requirement for me to get job I wouldn’t haven’t gotten a job and I am forever grateful that it was a requirement because I have been employed with same employer now for 9 years. The two years I was the program I only ended up in an inpatient unit once. I graduated from both years of the DBT program (first and second years).

      After I graduated from the DBT program in November 2005 I decided to go back to the current mental health agency I seek services at. Since going back to the current mental health agency in February of 2006, I have had a high turn over of clinicians and many more hospitalizations. In fact if it wasn’t for my last clinician switching to a different team in the agency, I wouldn’t have gotten my current therapist. I have had my current therapist since December of 2008. In fact Diana is the therapist I have had the longest in all the years I have been in therapy. Diana has helped me a great deal in the last 5 1/2 years. In fact if it wasn’t for  Diana helping me through the pain I have struggled with and still struggle with I wouldn’t have been able to stay out of the hospital for 1,000 days. Diana is one of many people who have helped me in the last 11 years. 

     Over last the last 11  or so years of mental health recovery I have found out a lot about myself. For instance when I was in DBT I realized that I am passionate about politics and got involved with it. I stopped for a long while when I started working and now I am wanting to get back into it. I also realized with one clinician I had that I am bi-sexual. I thank the universe that I figured out I was bi. Yes, my boyfriend know I am bi. I have also realized how much I love music and collecting comic books. I love Wonder Woman comic books. I got into collecting comic books. I am not only collecting Wonder Woman but Batman, Superman, Spiderman, and X Men. When I was in the height of my mental illness I stopped playing the flute and decided about 2 years ago to pick it back up and to start teaching myself to play the harmonica again. I also realized that I not only love rap and alternative music but country music as well. I also enjoy jazz. I also realized that I really enjoy reading and that I love reading Classic Literature. I tend to read memoirs and autobiographies of those who struggle or have struggled with mental  illness. I also enjoy reading mysteries, horror, sci fi and fantasy. I am telling you all this because when you are struggling with a mental illness you don’t realize what you like or enjoy and if you do know what you like or enjoy you forget about it because mental illness sucks the life out of you. One of the most important things I’ve learned is to educate myself about my particular diagnosis as well as the latest research regarding mental illness, therapies and meds. Another major thing I have learned or come to realize is to depend on my natural support system.

     Speaking of my natural support system they are throwing me a barbeque because of being out of the hospital for 1,000 days. They know its a big deal for me. I just wish they weren’t making it out to be a bigger deal than it really is. This small barbeque is turning out to be a party. I just wanted it to be about 12 or so people. Apparently there are more than twenty people coming because they want to celebrate my success of 1,000 days. I know its a big deal but I wish they weren’t making it out to be a big deal.

     I better get going. I need to get ready for the barbeque. I am suppose to be there at 5:30(pacific time) and its now 4:22pm. I should get going and allow my support system to celebrate this day with me. Peace Out Everyone!!

Love Is A Beautiful Thing

Posted on by Gertie

     Love is a beautiful thing. Today, I was the Best Woman (instead of the Best Man) in one of my closest friends wedding. She got married to her long time girlfriend. They are now Wife and Wife. My friend wore a white tux with a purple vest and bowtie while her now wife wore a white wedding dress. They were both beautiful. I was in a black tux with a purple comber bun and bowtie. Even though wearing black in 86 F degree weather is quite hot, its better than wearing a dress. I’m not a big dress fan. I’m a “tom boy.” Anyway it was a beautiful wedding. The reason why my friend and her now wife chose to get married today was because of the date, 7/7/14. They not only think its lucky but they are both math teachers. They chose today because 7+7=14 or if you look at it date wise 7/7/14. They said their I dos at 7:07pm and 14 seconds. I am so happy my friend was able to get married to the woman of her dreams.

     Well, I worked this morning and it wasn’t a very good day at work. It wasn’t a good at work because I found out that one of my favorite elderly customers passed away. Her daughter came into the store this morning and told me and my co-workers. In fact I went to her 91st birthday back in May. I was told by this customer that I’m part of her family. That’s why her daughter and other children want me to give the eulogy at the funeral. I said yes. It’s going to be tough on me. Let’s get on a happier topic. I may not like my current job and it has nothing to do with death. I don’t like it because its not a career that I want to be in. Since I feel like I am in a dead in job, I’m going to review my resume’ tomorrow as well as look at jobs in the field that I want to be in. If I find a job opportunity to apply to I will not only apply but write a cover letter for that particular job.

     Speaking of a job opportunity I finally heard back for an organization I applied to, to become a volunteer. That particular organization is American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). I’m hoping things go well with becoming a Field Advocate for them. Not sure what’s in store. I’m still waiting on more information. They do a lot of work regarding suicide prevention as well as try to get laws passed to help those who struggle with mental illness. I’m now waiting to hear back from National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). I’m wanting to volunteer for them as well. In a couple of weeks I’m suppose to start training for a local Peer Support Warm Line. In all honesty, I fear that I might me taking too much on too quickly. I just want to not work a grocery store anymore. Nine years just seems way too long to be working at one and I feel like if volunteer in the mental health field then I’m more than likely to get a job as a Peer Counselor. You would think that volunteering at homeless shelter that specializes in mental illness is enough but I don’t think so. I’m hoping that I will be able to give of my time because I don’t have money to give. Plus giving of your time means much more than giving money a great deal of the time.

     Any way another thing I did was go and see my therapist. I of course got there an hour early like I do a lot of the time. While waiting to see my therapist I read A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens. I’m enjoying the book immensely. Diana (my therapist) and I talked about the 5 year anniversary of the trauma I experienced. We talked about the increase PTSD symptoms and the self harm urges I’ve been having. We also discussed the minor urges regarding the eating disorders. Diana is a little concerned about the self harm urges as well as the eating disorder urges and we discussed ways on how I can continue to NOT harm myself my cutting or starving myself or binging and purging. We discussed on what skills I could do. We discussed what could help in conjunction with my DBT skills. I told her I can look over my WRAP. WRAP stands for Wellness Recovery Action Plan.  Thankfully she has enough confidence in me that I wont relapse with the cutting or the eating disorders that we didn’t have to do a safety contract. Diana says that I am making “Wise mind” decisions and that I don’t have to worry about becoming Borderline again. She says I’m still a recovered Borderline because I’m far from meeting the criteria again. She tells me just as long as I am doing what I am suppose to be doing in my recovery I don’t have to worry. Plus I am far from being Borderline again or least that’s what she tells me. I am extremely fearful of becoming Borderline again. Diana keeps reassuring me that I don’t have to worry about it. She also told me that she was proud of me for all the hard work I am doing with my recovery process. Its difficult to hear someone tell me that they are proud of me but its cool to hear at the same time.(Side Note: Diana is a pseudonym for her protection and the protection of her other clients.) Oh boy its 11:00pm pacific time.

    Speaking of what time it is I better end this blog entry for now. I am a little tired. I’ve been up since 4am pacific time because of work. I hope I didn’t bore you all with this extremely long blog. Enjoy the last hour of your Monday. Oh yeah Happy 7/7/14. Goodnight and don’t let the bedbugs bite. Peace out everyone.

It’s Still Sunday

Posted on by Gertie

     It’s still Sunday and its going better than I thought it would be going. Yes, the PTSD is still acting up however my boyfriend  is being very supportive. He is so amazing and extremely patient with me. Sometimes I wonder why my boyfriend loves me so much.

     Speaking of love one of my best friends is getting marred to her long time partner tomorrow (7/7/2014) evening. My friend and her girlfriend of 15 years asked me to be in the wedding and I of course said yes. I am so looking forward to it. Its going to be a small backyard wedding. I am grateful that I live in a state that allows my friends in the LGBT community to marry. It just baffles my mind why some people of faith have issue with others marrying the people they love when they are the same gender. It shouldn’t matter just as long as you love each other. I have friend who says that she is a Christian and she is telling me that I’m going to hell because I’m in a “gay” wedding. I don’t see what the issue is. I just don’t understand why people are so judgmental. Well, like I said earlier, I am looking forward to it.

     Tomorrow is going to be a busy day for me. I work tomorrow morning. Its only a four shift. I’m glad its an early shift because I have the rest of the day to do things like go to my friends wedding and go see my therapist. I may not like my job but I’m grateful I work tomorrow. I’ve been at my current employment for 9 years now and my co-workers have become family to me. In fact some of my customers have become like family to me. Working gives me a sense of community and that is a good thing for someone who deal with a mental illness. Like I was saying earlier my co-workers and some of my customers have become like family to me. We go to each others major events such as kids birthday parties, weddings, college graduations and stuff like that. Even though I am looking for a new job as a Peer Counselor I will miss my current co-workers because I’ve worked with some of them for the last 9 years. I really hope I can get a job as a Peer Counselor soon.

     Like I said earlier I see my therapist tomorrow. I will be talking to her about the 5 year anniversary of the trauma I experienced. I will also be talking to her about the strong urges I’ve had with cutting. No, I did not cut because I used my Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills. I will be talking about the minor urges I had regarding the eating disorder stuff. Mainly the bulimia but I should talk about the anorexia as well. I’m grateful that I’ve been in recovery from the eating disorders for 15 years now. I think that will take up an entire hour.

     Unfortunately, my boyfriend has to work tomorrow. He has been so supportive of me today regarding the PTSD. He is now telling me dinner is almost done and that I should finish up this blog entry soon. His cooking is fabulous. He is making spaghetti for dinner. We are having strawberry short cake for dessert. Strawberry shortcake is my favorite dessert. 

      I think I should get going now since dinner is almost done. I will blog tomorrow to tell you how work and therapy went as well as how the wedding went. I’m sure its going to be a beautiful wedding. Well, I hope to blog again tomorrow. Have good evening everyone. Peace out.